This is something that had been brewing for a while. It could have even been the spark that ignited a huge anxiety problem in 11th grade. One thing was for sure, there was a monster within me that I couldn't get rid of. I had begun to realize its presence as early as age 12 (although I can now remember stuff from way earlier).

It really wasn't a monster. But I didn't realize that yet. I was brought up to believe that it was a monster, and it took a lot of time and energy to change that. I look back now and can remember having crushes on boys back in first grade. I thought nothing of it. Of course, I was in Catholic school then, and would stay there until 8th grade. In 6th grade, as my body started to develop, so did my sex drive. We went through sex education, and I knew what was supposed to happen...and then I knew what was happening to me. I remember when I was 12, my Mom gave me a book about sex and religion. This is when I was basically told, flat out, that I had a monster inside me. Nobody knew, except the book. I read in other places, though, that this was sometimes a natural stage, but only temporary. So I didn't worry about it too much. I just waited.

In 8th grade I transferred over to the public schools. I went from being in a class of 15, to a class of over 100. I wasn't ready, but then I guess no one ever is ready for something like that. The best way to learn how to swim is to be thrown in. You either have to stay atop or drown. I almost drowned. The monster hadn't gone away yet. I was getting desperate. I used to pray in church to have it taken away. I used to make deals with God. It was a stubborn monster. In middle school, people somehow saw my biggest secret and made it public. I was constantly harassed. Names like faggot, pansey and fairy became commonplace. It was like my monster was in plain sight, like the giant elephant in the middle of the room that no one talks about. Except...everyone was talking. I just wasn't ready.

I was in pure and absolute denial. With myself and everyone else. The summer before high school my voice finally dropped. I think it helped to return to school again with a more "manly" voice. I spent most my high school career convincing people that the monster really didn't exist. I think the only reason I was able to pull it off was because I almost believed it myself. But it stuck to me like a stubborn friend. There were times when I came SOOO close to telling my Mom. She would tell me that she loves me no matter what and that I could tell her anything. I remember Ellen's coming out episode, and at the end when she said "If this helps even one person to come out, then it was worth it." But I still believed that the monster would go away. Things were changing though. I was beginning to accept the fact that it might not go away. I had no clue what I was going to do though.

In early high school (probably 9th grade) my Mom was on the phone. She began to cry. She cried so hard that when I was upstairs in my room I couldn't tell if she was crying or laughing. I sat and wondered who had died. Had to have been a grandparent, but which one? We'd probably be heading out to Pennsylvania the next day. My brother, my Dad and I all waited patiently as my Mom got off the phone. It took her a minute to calm down enough to tell us, "Laurie's gay." My brother and I didn't understand what the big fuss was about. "So" we asked? Our cousin had come out as a lesbian. We were a different generation from our parents though, it was no big deal to us.

Seeing my Mom react like that wasn't easy, though. I knew she loved me, and nothing could change that but it wouldn't be easy to see her go through that again. About a year later, my cousin and her partner, Taylor, visited. No matter how my parents viewed the subject, Laurie and Tay were family and they were welcomed with open arms. My Mom spent a lot of time with them, going to Newport and stuff. I remember, after they left, my Mom saying to my Dad, "Charlie, I don't care whether you think it's wrong or not, they are in love. There's no denying it, I can see it in their eyes and I'm happy for them." My cousin coming out was one of the best things that could happen because it paved a MUCH bumpy road that I was going to have to travel soon.

Sometime after, my cousins sent a tape of music to my Mom that they thought she would like. She gave the tape to me to listen, "It's probably more your kind of music." It was the Indigo Girls. The name sounded familiar...just two weeks prior some girls were singing and playing guitar in the music room. "Who sings that song?" I asked them. The Indigo Girls. It was deep music. Even if you couldn't understand the words right away, you could still somehow tell there was meaning to them. I fell in love with the tape. When their next album came out, my Mom bought it for me. One of the songs on that tape hit me hard. "It's alright if you hate that way, hate me cause I'm different, hate me cause I'm gay. The truth of the matter come around one day, and it's alright." I remember sitting up in my room and crying, listening to that song. I couldn't figure out anymore whether the monster was a monster or a friend. All I knew was, it was there to stay.