As the weekend passed, things became less awkward. My parents and I carried on as normal, but I still couldn't get past the fact that such a deeply buried secret had been violently unearthed. I remember my Mom telling me that when I find that special someone, to "be safe." I knew exactly what she meant. I was still so drenched in religion that I told her I wasn’t even sure if I was going to have sex. She was a bit more realistic than I was, but said nothing.

Now that my parents knew, it forced me to really look at things directly. Obviously, if my parents are confronting me about this, then I AM gay, and it is doubtful that things will ever change. This was a very important step for me. One of the reasons that I never told anyone is that I was waiting for things to change. Now it is time to start telling people. I knew right away who would be the first to know: my closest friend.

We both worked at the same place. I think it was February at this point, and I felt ready to tell somebody...I felt ready to tell her. We were both working that night, she was getting off a little bit earlier than I was. Before she left work I told her that I wanted to talk to her tonight. I would pick her up after I got off from work and we would go to the lookout spot near her house, a favorite hangout spot for us. She had no clue what was going to happen...and I had no clue what was expected.

I told her. My heart was pounding so hard but it was a relief to get it out. She took it well. She told me with a smile, “I came up here for a kiss, dammit, and I’m not leaving without one!” I had only kissed one other person before (yes a girl) and it had been rather awkward. I was so naive I really wasn’t sure what to do. This kiss was awkward too, not because it was with a girl, but because there was no passion behind it. I felt more like I was playing an instrument, trying to remember everything I should be doing and making sure I was doing it right. Afterwards, she asked, “So you felt nothing?” I guess she needed to make sure. I think, in a weird way, we still have a very strong bond, but our friendship never would be quite the same after that night.

I can’t remember if this happened right before or right after but it was about the same time. My friend Lyle called me up. He told me that there was some more drama to add to the life story, but he didn’t want to talk about it right then. He told me, “I’m not sure if I’m ready to tell you yet.” I can’t believe I didn’t even think of it myself until just then, but as soon as those words left his mouth I knew what he was talking about. I told him, “well, when you’re ready, you know you can tell me anything.” He told me later that when I said that, he knew that I knew. I guess it was a game. Ironically enough he had no clue about me. I can’t believe we had known each other since 8th grade and had never even suspected. Later that night he called me up and finally got to the point, “I’m gay.” I countered with, “me too.” He thought I was kidding. I told him numerous times that I wasn’t and he finally said he believed me, but I don’t think he truly believed me until he actually saw me kiss a guy.

Lyle was one of the greatest things to happen to me. We were both basically at the same point in our lives, fresh out of the closet, same age, and we really hadn’t told anyone yet. He knew about this place in Providence called Youth Pride, it was a safe haven for GLBT youth and they had a support meeting that met once a week. We decided to go together. At the meeting I met a guy named Brennan...it was his first meeting too. He was so cute. We started talking and exchanged screen names (GOD those were the days, weren’t they??). I told Lyle that I had the hots for him, and so Lyle invited him to follow us to a coffee shop. I was SOOOO nervous, I couldn’t tell whether or not he liked me. After coffee, we went our separate ways and headed home. I jumped online and e-mailed him. I couldn’t help it, I told him I thought he was cute. He replied back and said he felt the same. My stomach was tied up in knots...but the good kind. We decided to meet again at the mall in a week.