A week later, there I was at the mall. I was so afraid that I wouldn’t recognize him. I had only seen him once and I was already starting to forget details about his face. But I spotted him a couple yards off and immediately I couldn’t hold back the smile that erupted forth. I still couldn’t get over how cute Brennan was. He acted so straight too, it was hard to believe that he was gay. Maybe I should’ve listened to my instincts better. I think I remember him asking if I wanted to hold his hand. I couldn’t though, not in the mall, I SOOO wasn’t ready for that.

Brennan lived in Pascoag which is at the completely opposite end of Rhode Island. Now I know that it’s not a very big state, but it is more than an hour away from where I lived. No matter how you look at it, it sort of sucks to have to drive that far to see someone. That’s why we met at the mall, it was a halfway point. Luckily, Lyle convinced Brennan to drive with us back to Portsmouth. Lyle had his own apartment there, so we could all go back and hang out in privacy. We just sat around and talked. Nervous giggles here and there. My stomach was alive with emotion, kind of that feeling you get when you are falling. I wanted so badly to kiss him, but I was very VERY nervous. Finally, Lyle got some of his laundry together and went downstairs to the washers. “Be good,” he said with a smile.

We had the place to ourselves now, at least for a little bit. I was too damn scared to make the first move, so luckily Brennan did it. I was lying on the bed, trying my best to give off that “come hither” look. It must’ve worked because he came over and lay on top of me. It was the first time I had ever kissed a guy. If there had been any doubt left in my mind as to whether or not I was gay, it had completely vanished at that point. Now I knew what it was like for straight people, how it really felt. I didn’t think about whether I was doing it right, or what I should do next. I was just lost in it all, and it felt great. We just kept kissing and kissing and I never wanted it to stop. Finally, Lyle came back and I feigned embarrassment, but I truly didn’t care.

Brennan and I corresponded mostly by e-mail. We would talk on the phone occasionally, but he didn’t talk much. He seemed a different person in his e-mails. He was so sweet, and romantic. But when I saw him in real life, or talked to him over the phone, he was very quiet. Was he just really shy? We would meet occasionally in Providence and drive around and stuff. He never wanted me to meet him out at his house. He said only his Mom knew about him, and she didn’t take it all that well either. My parents knew that I had met a guy, but I told him he was just a friend. Eventually I told my Mom that we were actually dating, and she said she had figured. I didn’t want Dad to know, though. But just like typical Moms, the next day she told me that he knew too, and he was ok with it. Oh well…LOL.

I was getting ready to tell my brother now. He was attending college at URI, and so I didn’t see him a whole lot. I think it was a week before Easter, and I sent him an e-mail. I waited for a reply…and waited. I didn’t realize that he rarely checks his e-mail. He was going to be home for Easter, and my Mom had this irrational “mom” fear that I was going to stand up in the middle of Easter dinner and announce to my brother that I was gay. So she called him up and told him to check his e-mail, and then call her back. “Why,” he said groggily, as she had just woke him up. “Just check your e-mail,” she said, and hung up. He called her back a few minutes later. “So,” he said, “he’s still my brother, I love him no matter what.” I think we’re just the “who gives a shit” family, to be honest…LOL.

It was almost May of my senior year now…getting close to the end. My grandfather was very sick, and so my Mom had headed out to Pennsylvania to be with him. He died a few days later. We packed up and joined her for the funeral. My brother had driven there in his own car, so that he could leave earlier than my parents. They decided to stay an extra day, so I went home with my brother. Of course I had other intentions in mind than just getting home a day early. I think I had even told my brother what I was gonna do, since he was heading back to URI anyway. As soon as I got home I called Brennan and told him that I had the house to myself that night.

We watched TV for a while, and then finally he said something about going to bed. I was so young and naïve. I was afraid of making assumptions, so I told him that he can either sleep on the floor or in the bed with me…his choice. Of course he chose the bed…what a relief. We both had shirts and shorts on, and we started kissing. Eventually we took our shirts off. His body felt so good against mine. He knew that I was extremely ticklish, so he would very gently run his hand down my sides and across my stomach. It was just on the verge of tickling, but it felt so good that it gave me the goose bumps. We made out for a long time, probably a few hours. He asked if I wanted to do more…I said yes. Then he made a suggestion. But I truly wasn’t ready for anything yet and I chickened out. I told him no, so we just kept making out. I think the sun was almost up before we actually went to sleep.