by Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach & Consultant
It's that time of year again: Time for the family vacation.
It's a good time to rethink some things like perfectionism,
expectations, and the meaning of the word "vacation."
First of all, we call it a "vacation," but if you're the
parent, it isn't going to be one. Maybe I was slow, but it
took me quite a while to figure out that I, the parent (and
a single-parent at that), was going to work even harder on a
vacation than at home, and that it wouldn't be a relaxing
time for me. After all, I was taking the boys to new places
where they would be full of new ideas, and it always
required more supervision than at home. As soon as we hit
the beach, outrageous demands began. One ran one way, the
other another. Being in a new place, they weren't sure what
the rules were, and they had to be re-established. Being
around new things, they weren't always as cautious as they
should be, and I had to be vigilant. They got sick, got
fishing hooks in their thumbs, stepped on man-o-wars, the
rental car got a flat, the resort room's air conditioning
broke and we had to pack up and change rooms, and more than
once someone was throwing up all night long. While we
always had a wonderful time, and I always returned happy
(and of course the kids did), I often returned more tired
than when I'd left!
I began to name these "The Kids' Vacations," just so I kept
my expectations in line with reality, and to plan
vacation-vacations for myself - getaways where I could relax
in ways I needed to. The Kids' Vacations were for having
fun as a family! And kids don't need a "vacation." They're
always high energy and on-the-go, yes?
Here are some things to keep in mind as you plan and take
the family vacation that can keep you from unrealistic
expectations which will erode your experience:
1. Kids are likely to become more boisterous on a vacation,
because of all the new fun things. New experiences and new
situations will present things they haven't encountered
before, so you have to be on guard about their safety on a
constant basis. Try and GO rested; don't plan on COMING
HOME rested.
2. Think of it as a fun adventure for the family where you
get to know one another better and spend time together under
new circumstances. Then whatever happens will fall in line.
3. There are more options all the time where childcare is
also available. Many resorts and cruise lines offer
programs for children and teens that provide great
activities, supervision, and a chance for them to make new
friends, while giving you some adult time to yourself.
Consider this option.
4. Consider bringing along a mother's helper, or older niece
or nephew, or willing grandmother to help with the children.
5. Because it's all new, anticipate some irregularities, and
relax into the situation. It's typical when we get stressed
to tighten up and become rigid and this only makes things
worse. Use your emotional intelligence to be flexible and
creative. If your child has never been fishing before, or
never been to a bit-city museum, you can't anticipate all
the things they can go wrong, so don't be surprised if they
do. It's part of new learning experiences. If they've
never participated in formal night on a cruise, their table
manners may not be quite in line. Anticipate what you can.
Deal with what happens.
6. If you intend to have a great time together, don't let
anything get in your way. There's no reason why a visit to
the ER should "ruin your vacation," any more than a few
tantrums, some embarrassing table manners, a flat tire, or
missed plan connections should. Your experience of your
vacation is in your own hands.
7. Plan ahead for the predictable - high spirits, moments of
boredom, and fights with siblings. You've dealt with these
at home, and they will accompany you on your trip. Think of
ways to deal with these under new circumstances - in the
car, plane, resort, tourist sights, and be prepared with the
materials you need. A kit with magic markers, some ear
phones, a journal or a good book to read can make the
difference.
8. Anticipate testing of the limits. It will only throw you
if it comes as a surprise. Children do this in any new
situation, and a vacation is full of them. Apply the same
measures you do at home - make it clear where the boundaries
are, be consistent, pleasant, and anticipate the best.
9. Understand that children will rev up for a vacation, not
calm down. Some adults do this as well, of course. Some of
us plan vacations where we can relax and rest; others plan
mountain-climbing adventures, and barefoot sailing. Some of
us plan both! Be mindful about what comes with the
territory.
10. Allow times for children to work off their energy. Plan
breaks during long car trips. Take them for a run on the
beach before you go to the art museum. After the formal
dinner with Aunt Betty, turn them loose in the courtyard to
run around a bit.
11. Discuss expectations beforehand. Explain what you can,
and what sort of behavior you expect in different
circumstances. You can't cover everything, but you can
cover a lot. One thing that's very important with smaller
children is "coming when called." You can also buy those
harnesses for errant toddlers, for their own safety and your
piece of mind.
12. Be sure and provide safety equipment - car seats,
restraints, life jackets and such. Bring along syrup of
ipecac, epinephrine, and other things your physician may
recommend for emergencies. Carry a first-aid kit with
bandages, Neosporin and tweezers. The same sort of
equipment you have at home. Because a vacation provides new
situations, accidents can be more likely to occur.
Last but not least, process after each vacation. What did
you plan well, what did you plan poorly? What worked and
what didn't? What would you do again, and what would it be
best to avoid? What would you do differently? Get the
whole family involved in the discussion, so everyone becomes
mindful.
And don't forget the most important thing: find out what
everyone enjoyed the most. Be sure and go over the good
times with the family, and make plans for more in the
future.
