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Confessions of an Overeating Mom

by Colleen Langenfeld
Copyright (c) 2006


Do you eat for recreation?

For comfort?

For excitement?

I used to eat for all of these reasons. Occasionally, I'd even eat for hunger. But only occasionally.

I have given birth to four beautiful children. As any mom can tell you, it's not only the pregnancy that puts on the weight; it's being a human garbage disposal that really sacks your former svelte self.

You know what I mean. The compulsion some of us mothers have to clean off our children's plates. And our husbands' plates. And the pots. And pans. And since there's only one more brownie, that, too.

I am guilty of all of the above.

Now, to add to my frustration...err, lifestyle adaptation, I have entered middle age. I know that fact because I was recently looking at a photo of myself in shorts and a summer shirt. I recognized my face...and the hair looked familiar...but the rest of THAT body belonged to someone else. Someone resembling a middle-aged woman who had borne four beautiful children (I must still have that pregnancy glow).

Sigh.

I have never been a 'dieter' or someone who regularly tried to lose weight. I actually tossed out my scale twenty years ago. However, I have always been interested in fitness and wellness and have tried ideas like making my own calorie counting chart to log what I ate. Well, try as I could, I could not make that pesky photograph speak to me about fitness OR wellness. And, honey, I tried.

- 'Well, I'm never going to be 16 again.' Then I remembered being 16. It is GOOD I am done with that phase of my life.

- 'Maybe this is just how it has to be at this stage of life.' Then I remember I have a fitness friend ten years older than me and in FANTASTIC shape. (Another sigh.)

- 'I guess I'm just looking my age.' WHAT??? I've never understood what that one means and I don't want to climb under that load of bricks at this point. So I tried some angles. I'm good at angles. Angles are the clever processes where you try to effect change without actually making a change. This means, of course, that nothing really changes. Here are some of the 'angles' I tried.

- Eating half of everything. Except I super-sized my portions so that 'half' was really the whole thing.

- Eating fat-burning bars without exercising. I think I lost a couple of pounds, but since I didn't have a scale, it was mostly wishful thinking. I did gain weight in my grocery budget by using this angle, however.

- Using a calorie counting chart (again), but not doing anything with the data. Gee, I guess this angle falls under the category of 'busywork'. Ever tried that?

- Adjusting my wardrobe. Wearing things that concealed what I didn't want to be seen. We women do this one A LOT. It's not a bad idea, it just doesn't fix anything, either. For me, it meant dressing in a way I didn't like, even though it looked nice on me. So I was miserable with my body, but nobody knew that. Sound familiar?

I have to confess I learned quite a bit from these experiences. And the most important thing I learned is that they all have value. I started listening to the women around me, unhappy with their bodies and critical of their perceived 'failures'. And I realized that with all of these 'angles' and my varied efforts at change I was simply practicing. Practicing for the lifestyle change that deep inside I knew I needed to make. And that I wanted to make. But such a change that was too daunting to make overnight. I realized that practicing new life skills is the foundation of a life of change. A life worth embracing.

One day, a new 'angle' popped into my head. I decided to keep better track of what I ate. An improved calorie counting chart, this time not just a food log, but an entire system. Not even to lose weight. Just to understand myself better. And when I did that, a strange and amazing thing started to unfold.

I began to see all the places I was eating to fill up voids in my life. Some were small, some were bigger, but all were important because they were mine. I started to experience the most interesting FEELINGS when I would change an eating behavior, even for just one meal. For example, I had decided since I felt stuffed more often than I felt hungry, I would simply learn to listen to my body's hunger signals again. To do that, when I first recognized a hunger pang, I would wait one hour and then I could eat what I wanted. Slowly and deliberately, listening to my body. I tried to act like an observer, and what I observed were my feelings revealing a woman of panic residing inside of me!

Over time, all of these things began to change. Different feelings would bubble up and I would let them burst and float away. Desires and frustrations would come and go.

I bought a scale. And the weight started coming off.

The funny thing was, I wasn't really trying to lose weight. I was trying to learn more about myself. To look at my calorie counting chart system and see evidence that I overloaded my calories each night after dinner. To explore why I was compelled to finish off the scraps on my kids' plates. To discover why I was uncomfortable seeing myself in a photo looking different than I expected.

I just tried to see the real me.

Some parts of this process were wickedly easy. Some parts were embarassingly painful. All had their place in my sojourn. I value them all.

After dropping two dress sizes, people starting commenting. And again, I was confronted with strange feelings. I was uncomfortable with the compliments. Other mothers began asking me how I did it and I felt inadequate giving a response.

After all, I'm still learning. I'm still practicing. And I suppose I always will be.

What's important to you at this point in your life? I hope you haven't given up or been fooled into thinking you've failed somehow.

I hope you're still practicing, too.