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Thrashing, Bashing and Trashing:
Is This Any Way to Cope?

by Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach & Consultant

Let's say you've had something bad happen.

It could be your soul-mate breaking up with you, failing to get a promotion, finding out your best-friend was sleeping with your husband, suffering the death of your child, being betrayed by a sibling, or losing all your retirement in the stock market. Or, in a really bad year, it could be a combination of those things.

How do you cope?

THRASHING

LORNA IS THRASHING. Her husband left her, or maybe when he brought up points of contention one night, she told him to get out; the story varies. She says she doesn't know why he left. It's been a couple of years and though he hasn't returned, his things are still there. The last time they talked was 6 months ago on the phone. Neither of them has filed for divorce.

Recently her friends convinced her to start dating. It didn't appear to them her husband would be coming back.

Lorna met a man on the Internet who seemed more compatible (to me, at least) than her non-husband. He flew halfway across the country to visit her, but when he arrived, and she found how much she liked him, she became sexually dysfunctional, starved for affection though she was. By the end of the visit, she found things to dislike about him and sent him off; then called him and invited him back, but every weekend he suggested she found "wouldn't work." She continued corresponding with him, called her non-husband again, told friends she wasn't ready to date, and started looking for someone new on eharmony.com .

Though high-functioning at work, Lorna is in an emotional wasteland, unable to end the non-marriage.

TRASHING

SEAN IS TRASHING. Since his son died he's neglected his business and lost his house. Unable to reach out to his wife, he refused marital counseling, therapy, or any offers of help from a legion of well-meaning friends, who, after a year or two of having their overtures spurned, have sadly fallen away. He watched his stock portfolio fall, wiping out his retirement, let his relationship with his other children deteriorate, and started running around with a woman half his age, resulting in divorce. He then began to drink.

Sean is trashing his life. Out of grief and agony, yes, and anger, he has compounded the original problem with many others that may take years to rectify.

BASHING

KATERINA IS BASHING. When her third novel was turned down, like the first two, she gave up her dream of becoming a recognized author, and returned, in bitter resignation, to her job as a technical writer. She hates her job, hates her boss, hates her life, hates people who come from the south (and also from the east), hates the shirt you have on today, and hates herself.

Katerina's partner got tired of her bitterness and hostility and left, and her friends have followed suit. "It was like walking into the blade of a fan," one of them said.

HOW DO YOU COPE?

Why do we cope by bashing, thrashing and trashing? Because we're human and we have emotions. Having had my share of life's adversities, I don't find it insulting to compare my behavior at times, to that of the wounded cat roaming our neighborhood, whose wailing tormented us, but who fought anyone tooth and claw who tried to comfort, catch or treat her. We don't know what happened to her. She prevailed in thwarting out attempts to get her to a vet.

Pain puts us in a special place, and there may be no greater pain than emotional suffering.

Picture the thoroughbred horse, whose temperament will not allow it to keep still, and whose anatomy will not allow it to lie down. How can the broken leg mend?

Or the juvenile monkey I saw featured on a documentary, who simply pined away when his mother died. He would allow no other monkey near him, choosing instead to climb far out on the limb of a tree, rock himself, sob, refuse to seek food, and die.

WHAT COULD YOU DO INSTEAD?

A couple of months ago, I broke my ankle. A rather small adversity, as adversities go, but it did cause a great deal of pain. At one point I found myself sitting in the hallway in a hospital waiting, as one does in a hospital. Waiting, and wondering, and suffering.

As I sat there, a woman on a stretcher was pushed into the hallway and left. It was a slight diversion for me as I sat there worrying - would I need surgery, would it heal, would my insurance cover this accident-at-sea, could I afford it, and how could I do this living alone when I could barely walk and couldn't drive.

Suddenly the woman on the stretcher called out, "I'm scared."

Many of us rushed toward her. At the same time I became aware that of all the things I thought I was feeling (pain, worry) the predominant emotion was, "I'm scared."

I never made it to her side; there were too many others (and I could hardly "rush".)

You see what awaits you if you reach out?

CONSTRUCTIVE WAYS OF COPING:

1. Seek help, professional if need be, or simply a good, kind listener.
2. Don't allow yourself to become isolated.
3. Reach out and meet the needs of others.
4. Join a spiritual or religious community.
5. Avoid shutting down. The law of emotions is if you shut down one, you shut them all down.
6. Go through the pain, not around it. It takes courage, but its worth the price. Therapy can be a safe place for this, as, for a time, it can add more suffering.
7. Concentrate on generating positive emotions (not just removing negative ones). Learn optimism, meditate, exercise, put a pencil in your mouth and your muscles will smile, and your body, unable to tell the difference, will benefit.
8. Compensate. Take the energy from failure in a field or relationship and turn it into positive energy in another area. Use the anger-energy from the divorce to get straight As in graduate school.
9. Work with an Emotional Intelligence coach. Resilience, an EQ competency, means being able to bounce back from adversity without losing your enthusiasm and hope, and it can be learned.
10. Monitor your self-talk. If your mind (your self-talk) is full of "This is unbearable" or "I'll never get through this," it will make it worse. If you can't substitute something positive ("I know I'm going to be okay"), put in something neutral, like "Roses are red, violets are blue."
11. Understand that, like a broken bone, you can heal stronger than you were in the first place, if you take care of yourself right.
And most importantly, don't crawl out on a limb alone, or get under a bush and scratch and hiss. Reach out and let others comfort you. It's just your turn now. It could be ours next. Many of us know this.

"Sweet are the uses of adversity, which like the toad, ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in his head." ~Shakespeare, "As You Like It"



©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence coach and trainer, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, business programs, internet courses, teleclasses and ebooks around Emotional Intelligence. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine. I train and certify EQ coaches. Email me for info on this affordable, fast, no-residency program. EQ matters more than IQ, and it can be learned.


The information contained above is intended for general reference purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified professional.

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