Lady PP' Heart of the Home
Personal Growth

Some conversations are so difficult that we do anything to avoid them. Then, when things have really built up, we finally have no choice but to confront the issue, and the person.

"We need to talk," usually precedes an argument rather than a conversation. Why are such conversations difficult? Because we are stuck between knowing what we really feel and knowing what we shouldn't say.

Genetically, we humans are hard-wired for flight or fight. When emotions are triggered we have physiological reactions for aggression and/or avoidance. It is actually against our nature to sit down and talk it over. So how would we know how to do this?

What if there were a map to follow when you had to have a difficult conversation? What if you could untangle the complexities of difficult conversations and break them down to basic components? It would make it easier to say what needs to be said, and still preserve the relationship.

Fifteen years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project has produced some interesting information about what goes on during conflict. The book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, is written by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen and Roger Fisher (Penguin Books, 2000). Given that in life we prepare ourselves extensively for almost everything including our educations and careers, it is surprising that we haven't studied conversations more.

All difficult conversations share a common structure. To see the structure, we need to understand what is being said, and also what is not being said. We need to see what both participants are thinking and feeling but not saying to each other. This involves tuning into three underlying conversations at the same time:

Every conversation involves grappling with these three components. Managing all three simultaneously may seem daunting, but it's easier to do than facing the consequences of engaging in conversations blindly.

No matter how much we prepare we can still get tangled up in conversations where what happened is more complicated than initially presumed. We will have information the other person is unaware of and there may be things we can't share. We will face emotionally charged situations that feel threatening because they put important aspects of our identity at risk.

In these cases, look at what we can change instead of what we can't. We can change the way we respond to these challenges.

Sometimes a third party can help facilitate difficult conversations. Talking it through with your personal coach can help you decipher the underlying components of a difficult conversation. Your coach can help you examine your assumptions, your emotions and your personal identity. You can have difficult conversations in a way that improves relationships instead of risking hurt feelings.

Please post your ideas for personal growth on the Personal Growth Message Board

*The pages on Lady PP's Heart of the Home are being re-formatted. Page designs may vary until this process is completed. The newly formatted pages will contain links to additional information in the right hand column that you will find useful.

No right click

| Menu | What's New | Terms of Use/Disclaimer | Sitemap |

Resources

Web News & Articles

Links