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10 Ways for your “Tween” to Avoid Trouble

by Steve McCullen
shape the news


1. Supervise your teens: Yes they are seeking independence but you still need to know where they are going and who they will be with. Don’t assume every “teen” activity is properly supervised or safe unless you have chaperoned it or have otherwise satisfied yourself. All kids want a little fun, adventure and to “hang out” with their peers. You are probably going to have to work with other like minded parents in your community to provide safe supervised outlets for them.

2. Friend Control: This will certainly bring the most controversy and experts disagree. Strictly from the standpoint of keeping your teen out of trouble help your child pick a core group of friends who you are comfortable with. You should know them and their parents. Undoubtably, next to properly supervising your child, his/her friends will have the greatest impact on their actions and what there exposed to.

3. Teach values and character: This is what your child will rely on when you are not there to help them. Respect for other people and there property, assertiveness, self confidence, honesty and empathy. You don’t have the time and they don’t have the attention span to teach them what to do in every possible situation. They should trust their conscience if it feels or seems wrong, dangerous or unfair it probably is.

4. Set boundaries: You have the absolute right and responsibility to set the rules. Where the go, Who they go with, How late they stay out, What they wear. These are all examples of boundaries. Have you ever driven on a high twisted mountain road? You were probably comforted to have the guardrails there. How high or low you set the boundaries is your decision and yours alone. As a guide you can remember if you set the rail to high your child may have trouble being independent and worse constantly look to others to tell him what to do. We have all seen the no and low boundary kids. They are the ones who skip school, stay out as late as they like, drink, experiment with drugs and sex. These kids also have that strong adolescent need for the company of friends. Since most parents have boundaries that prohibit there children from joining them they are constantly on the look out to make new friends that can join them. Don’t let your child be one of them.

5. Communication- Talking alone is not going to solve all the conflicts that are inevitably going to occur between you and your teen. But communication is at the base of the parenting pyramid. You cant set clear boundaries, educate, counsel or coach with out it. There are times and situations were active listening and exploring feelings are appropriate. There are also times were a more directive approach is needed. Remember “tweeners” are experts at verbal judo. Don’t expect them to thank you for your wisdom or see your logic when you have to make an unpopular decision.

6. Responsibility: Look for appropriate opportunities for your adolescent to start solving his or her problems on their own. They may gentle guidance at first and you may need to approve the solution. Chores are good! and absolutely necessary for self confidence and character development. Be patient, give them step by step instructions, written if necessary. Its easy to get upset and Finnish the job yourself, but think of it this way. If you have to spend two hours a night for a week teaching your fourteen year old son how to wash dishes, you will get four years of relief!

7. Compassion: We all want our children to be loving and to help others. It is best when they do this through organized activities such as church, school and scouting. Emphasize to your child that there are some problems that require the immediate attention of an adult if not a specialized professional. Examples include anything involving a firearm, a friend who is even remotely considering suicide, peers who have drug and alcohol problems, sexual activity with an adult.

8. Unity of Command: This means working with your spouse, ex-spouse or child’s step to develop a consistent boundary and discipline system. It may be very difficult if you are not getting along but again this is an area that is going to pay big dividends for both of you and your child. Allow each parent to have flexibility on the little things and hang together on the big things.

9. Stop looking for silver bullet: I have searched long and hard, high and low and I can assure you there is not any medications, boot camps, therapy or discipline styles that is going to work all the time and for every child. The teen and preteen years are going to be filled with ups and downs, fits and starts. You are going to have successes and failures.

10.Resources to learn more:
www.ed.gov/pubs/parents/adolescence (U.S. Department of Education- site is sometimes hard to get to but well worth it)
www.apa.org/pubinfor/
www.parenthood.com/articles
Books :
THE ROLLER COASTER YEARS- Charlene C. Giannetii and Margaret Sagarese
CRISIS PROOF YOUR TEENAGER- Kathleen McCoy and Charles Wibbelsman M.D.
THE LOVING PARENTS GUIDE TO DISCIPLINE- Marilyn E. Gootman Ed.D

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