Lennon
Lennon
In Memory Of
Kurt Cobain
1967-1994
I followed my sixteen year old sister into her "new” car. It was her first, a 1980 beat up
station wagon. Carolyn had always wanted a Cadillac, but since our family couldn't afford
it, and Carolyn certainly didn't plan on paying for one, she was damned to a car older than
myself. I was thirteen.
It was a cold February morning in 1994. My breath was visible before me as I opened
the passenger seat door and pulled it closed hard behind me.
“What the hell do you think you're doing, you little bitch!” Carolyn's eyes were fierce as
she pointed to the backseat. “Maggots sit in the back. The only reason, and I mean the
only reason I'm driving your sorry ass to school is because Mom and Dad are buying me
new seat cover if I do.”
The only reason Carolyn ever did anything for anyone else, except give them a black
eye, was if she was getting something in return. I almost added that she should be driving
me to school also because we had just moved, and I'd feel a lot cooler getting a ride to my
new middle school from a junior in high school.
I decided it was best to keep my mouth shut. I had just moved to Seattle a week ago
and I didn't want my peers to meet me with a broken nose or bruised cheek.
“You're welcome, you ungrateful little shit,” said Carolyn as she slowed down to let me
out. She never stopped for me. I jumped out the door, slamming it behind me. "And be
careful with my car, or I'll be sure not to be careful with your goddamn face!”
I walked sheepishly to the main office after about 15 minutes of searching. The
principal, a balding obese man in his fifties, greeted me at the door. He grinned and pushed
his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Liana Brooks, correct?”
I looked at my shoes. Spent $90 on those goddamn things, so why not look at them? I
nodded, avoiding eye contact almost too obviously.
“We've been expecting you. I'm Mr. DeHuini. No jokes on the name please. I'm not too
worried, though, I've heard marvelous things about you., but you should look up and smile
once in a while.”
I continued to stare at my feet blankly as he led me to my new homeroom. Why should
I do what Mr. Duh Weenie says anyways? Marvelous things. Now I knew he was full of it.
I had tried to set my old school on fire. I was the biggest pyromaniac in Washington.
As Mr. DeHuini closed the homeroom door behind me, I couldn't help but giggle a
little. The teacher was a distraught looking short woman of about seventy or eighty, who
had the worst beehive I had ever seen. I thought it would be funny to see it on fire.
“Everyone,” began the fire wasp, “This is Liana Brooks.She is new to North Seattle
Middle School.”
I heard multiple groans, so I didn't dare look up from my shoes. I picked the nicest pair
I could find, because I knew I'd spent most of my time looking at them. The fire wasp
turned to me, and whispered that her name was Mrs. Grogan, and that I sat next to the
boy in the plaid button up. I sat next to him reluctantly, and noticed it was the kind of
plaid button up that teachers feared, not the goody kind that cost twenty times as much. I
smiled to myself and dared to raise my eyes to his face.
He was cute. With jeans torn at the knee and a crooked smile, his blonde hair gracing
the corners of his mouth, he seemed like a dream come true. My gaze shot straight back to
my feet as he caught my stare. He laughed, there was an uncomfortable moment of
silence. Then, he mumbled, “Nice shoes.”
After school that day, I made sure to wait behind an extra five minutes, so Carolyn
would give up and go home without me. I'd get a good pounding, but it was worth it to
spend the extra 20 minutes walking home with the beautiful creature in the plaid button
up.
“Hey, what's going on?” he said as I walked behind him. His bag was on the floor, and
things were strewn in front of his locker. He looked sort of lost. “I'm Lennon.”
I took my eyes off my shoes and looked at him, puzzled.
“Yeah, I know,” he let out a hearty laugh. “After John Lennon. You know, from the
Beatles. I was born the day he died, and my mother loved him, so...”
I looked at him, nodding him on.
“Oh, and I had mono last year for a while so I stayed back a grade, in case you were
wondering.”
“I had mono last year too. Almost kept me behind... I love the Beatles.” Now Lennon
looked at
me, gleeful surprise taking over his face as I blushed and resumed looking at my
shoes.
“Wow. For a minute there I was wondering if you knew how to speak.”
I
shrugged.
“And you should stop looking at your shoes. They're nice, but your eyes
are nicer.” I looked him straight in the eye for any sign of sarcasm or falseness.
None.
“Come on, Liana. I'll walk you home.”
I had always been an aggressive thinker, but I had never really had a friend to complain
to. I had never really complained to anyone. I had never really talked to anyone for more
than a minute and enjoyed it. But the entire time I walked home with Lennon that day, I
felt drawn to him.
We discussed things beyond our tender years, like politics and the influence of music on
youth.
I told him how much I loved the Beatles, and how his name was very cute. That was
something I'd never expect to utter.
Lennon, in turn, told me that he loved Nirvana, and was particularly obsessed with the
life of Kurt Cobain. He then surprised me.
“And besides your name, I think everything about you is cute.” As I looked up to check
sincerity, it was Lennon that was looking at his shoes in embarrassment.
I giggled.
He looked up for a moment. “You following me home, or what?” I noticed that I was
on my street. Lennon's street.
“No. I have to go home.”
To our complete amazement we parted on a little asphalt driveway next to my house.
Lennon's driveway.
“Well I never would've expected this! Do you want my number, or will you just yell out
the window to me?”
I grinned. Lennon shrugged.
“We'll see...”
He ran into his house, waving behind his back as I walked up the steps to my door.
“It's midnight you jackass!”
Lennon had thrown a paperweight at my window in the middle of the night,almost
shattering the glass, to get my attention.
“If my sister wakes up...” I pointed out the window to the on right,next to mine. I
already had a large bruise on my left arm from making her wait for me after school.
“Actually,” whispered Lennon barely loud enough for me to hear him, “It's 12:03. I've
been trying to wake you up by throwing ice, but that didn't work.” Lennon held up a glass
of soda triumphantly. “I smuggled a soda from downstairs.”
I patted down my hair and rubbed my eyes. “What do you want?”
“Do you know what today is?” Lennon grinned.
I rolled my eyes. “Well, when I went to sleep it was the nineteenth. Lord knows if you
ever sleep, but since it's 12:03...”
“12:04 now.”
“Whatever... since it's 12:04 it would make sense that today is the twentieth.” I raised
my arms to shut my window.
“No! Wait... It's Kurt's birthday!” Lennon grinned widely.
I couldn't help but smile. I hadn't talked to anyone this much in a long time, and it felt
good to have a friend. Especially a cute one.
“Well happy birthday Kurt.” I yawned, almost drowning out the last two syllables.
“'Night Lennon.”
“'Night.”
I smiled peacefully as a lowered my head onto my pillow. Lennon made me so happy,
and I had just met him today. For once in my life, I truly believed I had a best
friend.
I bolted up the sound of the doorbell.
What the hell? I thought as I pulled the blankets over my head. Sleep covered my body
in a thick layer, and I refused to get up.
I looked at the clock for a moment, while my eyes adjusted to light.
Jesus! 7:26! I am LATE!
I jumped out of my bed and threw on a dirty old pair of ripped jeans and a green striped
shirt. I had no time for fashion this morning, but because it was on the chair at my desk, I
grabbed a Sonic Youth t-shirt and tossed it on over the green. I patted down my hair,
threw on my shoes without tying them, and ran down the stairs, almost stepping on my
cat, Felix. I jumped the last four stairs and, grabbing my bag, swung the door open.
It was Lennon. He looked at me from the feet up, taking it all in. His laughter echoed in
my ears.
“You look awesome! Wow, I never would have guessed.”
I gave him a nasty glare as we trudged down the street.
“I thought you were into the Beatles. Why are you wearing Sonic Youth?”
I paused for a moment, and stared at him angrily. “Dude, you woke me up in the
middle...”
“Dude? Man, Liana, you're even cooler than I thought!”
My anger dissolved in seconds. At least someone appreciated my nonsense.
All day at school I could not for the life of me concentrate on anything, except for
Lennon, and the occasional thought of setting the fire wasp Mrs. Grogan's hair up in
flames. I fumbled around in my pocket, discovering a lighter that hadn't been there before.
There was also paper. I pulled out the paper, which turned out to be a gum wrapper. I
unfolded it. It was a note from Lennon. It read:
Well, I'm not the worst person in the world for being a
professional pick-pocket, am I? Hehehe... These smell
good when you light them on fire. Be careful though, they
go up quick!
~Lennon~ NIRVANA FOREVER!!!
I couldn't help but sigh deeply.
Another troubled soul.
He had given me a lighter, the best present anyone had ever given me. I was elated, and
immediately decided I was in love. I stared at him all day, pleased for once to notice that
he liked to look at me too. We had entire conversations with our eyes that day.
We knew it, the both of us.
I ran up to Lennon's locker after school. He was already there, things all around him on
the floor. I thought to myself that if I was ever that unorganized, I'd shoot myself or
something!
He must have known it, because he turned to me and shrugged. As he picked up his
things and swung his locker shut, a deep thought was visible in his face.
“Liana.”
I looked up at him, my eyes urging him on.
“Well... you know how I feel about you. I really, well... I think I love you. Wow. Well,
I just wanted to know...” He wrung his hands around the straps of his bag. I smiled
contently.
“Sure.” We knew.
He dropped one of his fidgeting hands into mine. Everyone stared at the strange new
couple creeping down the hall and out the door. No one had taken notice of me yet, and
no one really noticed Lennon much, but they noticed our togetherness.
Only boyfriends and girlfriends held hands, they must have thought. I never knew two
weirdoes could find each other so perfectly!
Aside from our shoes scuffing the sidewalk, and the occasional car humming by, the
walk home was silent.
When we got to Lennon's driveway, though, he refused to let go of me. He followed me
right up into my house, and we walked past my parents. My mother had her face buried in
a book, and my father was cradling a bottle of tequila.
Typical.
As Lennon and I started up the stairs I shouted to my parents, “Hey! I'm bringing my
new boyfriend up into my room with me.”
My mother waved me off. Lennon gave me a questioning look, and I shrugged. “Those
are my parents.”
I swung the door to my room open, and saw my sister sitting there, reading my diary.
Since she was in high school, she got home a good half hour before me. This outraged
me.
“Carolyn, what the hell are you doing?!”
She grinned and examined Lennon. “Is this the 'savior with the rock star appeal?'”
Furious, I ran up to her and dropkicked the small book out of her hands.
“How much of that did you read?” I growled.
She grabbed my wrist and screamed at me, spitting on my face.
“Calm down you little whore! I only read yesterday. But since you had to be such a
fucking slut, I'm going to have to punish you, because Lord knows Mom and Dad
won't.”
I closed my eyes tight and blinked away the tears praying that she'd wait until Lennon
left, at least. She had already embarrassed me enough.
She didn't wait though.
As Lennon crouched in the corner, trying to be invisible, Carolyn beat the living piss out
of me. I couldn't even see straight as she pounded on my arm until I heard it snap.
Excruciating pain was followed by a terrifying numbness. I was bleeding from the
corner of my mouth as well, when she decided she was done.
“Fuck you...” That was always how she ended her explosions of rage aimed at me. They
were always aimed at me.
As Carolyn stormed out of the room, she flipped Lennon off and slammed the door.
Lennon rushed over to my hunched position on the floor, and hugged me tight,avoiding
the arm that Carolyn had obviously fractured.
“I'm so sorry Liana. I'm so, so sorry. I love you.” I looked up at him, and saw tears on
his cheeks.
He was crying for me, maybe because I was in so much pain I wasn't aware I could
cry.
“I'll take you to the clinic up the street, but first I have to call home and tell them what
happened, at least part of it, so I don't get the same when I go home."
I looked at him puzzled. He was an only child.
“From my parents, Liana. Both of them.”
More tears from his bright blue eyes, and I felt compelled to cry, for him, not me.
Lennon stepped daringly out of my room first, checking to make sure Carolyn was in her
room, music blasting. We crept down the stairs and out the door, my parents not even
noticing.
At the clinic, I got a sling and strange ointment for my lip.
“The sling stays on for only a week, but only if promise not put any physical pressure or
stress on
it.”
Lennon and I had to part at the driveway once more, but he stared me right in the eyes
as I was about to turn to leave. A solitary tear slid down his cheek. "All I need is an
excuse, and I'm gone...Please, just don't do anything stupid. If you do, I do.”
I knew what he meant.
The thought had already crossed my mind.
Lennon lifted my chin as I began to stare at my feet again, and kissed me softly. “You're
my savior, too.”
Lennon amazed me. More than incredibly intelligent, he awed everyone that took the
time to speak to him with a charming smile and a deep philosophical input. It saddened me
to see such a gift wasted on such a hopeless soul.
If he were a god, I'd worship him. His logic exceeded his losses, and he had a mystical
air about him. I understood his need to express his empathy of all people, and the need for
love. It fit his name like a glove, but some things the world would be better off not to
know.
This is why no one loved him the way I did. I saw myself in him, or at least the way I
wish I could be.
I think he saw the same in me.
It was April 6, 1994. Lennon and I had just gotten off the phone after a long
conversation about the existence of God.
“Of course he exists,” I had told Lennon matter-of-factly. “How else do you think all
the atoms formed and slammed together to form life?”
Lennon had paused, answering only that maybe we were God having a dream,and we
didn't really exist. I loved the way he liked to play with my mind, because I knew at the
same time, he was enjoying playing with his own.
At the end of the conversation, Lennon told me that if God had any real mercy, we'd be
up there with him now instead of suffering the way we did.
And he wasn't talking about all of mankind.
I heard his father scream at him, so I gently placed the receiver down, praying for the
best for my best friend, my boyfriend, my everything.
I cried myself to sleep, awakening to Lennon throwing pencils at my window. I opened
it cautiously, and peered out, avoiding leaning on my bad arm.
Lennon had a large cut on his cheek and his dirty face was streaked with tears. I held
my breath and struggled with the pain in my chest as I desperately tried not to cry,
knowing it would only upset Lennon more.
“Are you alright?”
He nodded, looking down. I couldn't help but smile a little, as this was the first time he
had done something as sheepish as I used to.
“Lennon, you know I love you and I'm here for you.”
He grinned and nodded, and I noticed that one of his top left teeth had been knocked
out. I held my breath again.
“And you know I love you too. I just wish... well... I always wanted to be like, a real
rock star dude. Then I could just take you away with me and we could just live happy and
get a big house all to ourselves, with no one to hurt us anymore.” He looked off into the
sky. “You know what? Screw rock stars. I'm sick of it, look where it's gotten me, and
look where I'm going. I want to be a real star, with you. Just you and me in the sky
lighting all of heaven.”
We both thought about it for a while. That would be nice.
“Lennon, how can we shine on heaven if you don't believe in God?”
His eyes flickered with blue brilliance and he looked very intense.
“Well, I was thinking, and if we have options like these then there must be...”
“Like wha...”
Carolyn stormed in and Lennon ducked. She smacked me across the face and grabbed
my injured arm, twisting it and pressing down hard.
“Who are you talking to you little slut? Your fuck buddy? Is that it? I'll fucking teach
you... filthy whore...”
I heard Lennon sobbing quietly in his room as I blocked out my sister's beatings the best
I could. I knew my arm was broken now, but I didn't really care anymore.
I had a pretty good idea what Lennon's idea of God's given options were, and
Shakespeare wouldn't write a play about it for shits and giggles.
Maybe that's what he made Carolyn for. I then found myself wondering what my
parents would do if Carolyn killed me.
Would they even notice? Would they care? Would they walk by my funeral thinking
“Who's in that coffin?” Maybe see Carolyn on the front page of the newspaper labeled a
murderer and wonder why she looked familiar?
The next morning I woke to Lennon throwing small stones at my window, knowing it
was okay because Carolyn was having sweet dreams of life without me.
"Kurt commited sucide today Liana." that's all Lennon said.
I knew what he was planning on doing.
He wanted me to go with him.
My parents called me downstairs during the night.
"Honey, the boy next door jumped out the window, he commited suicide," my mother
said, "Your father and I are just so glad you didn't know him."
I couldn't believe it.
"We're just so glad you didn't know him," my mother repeated.
My anger inside began to rise.
"He broke one of his teeth out and scratched his face badly when he jumped."
That was it.
I punched her as hard as I could.
Stupid cunt.
She didn't know anything.
Lennon didn't go without me, he wouldn't have. It had been his parents.
I ran outside, seeing Lennon sprawled on his driveway, glass surrounding him.
"I'm so sorry..." I said.
There was a star shining brightly above me. Lennon's star.
Why not?
I picked up a piece of glass and pressed it to my wrist. I felt no pain compared to the
pain I already felt. I felt nothing.
The star shone brighter.
And everything began to fade...and spin...
Fading...spinning...darkness...
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