Irishmen Jokes
How do you confuse an Irishman?
Give him a pack of M n M's and tell him to put them in alphabetical order
Why did the Irishman get sacked from the banana factory?
He threw away all the bent ones
There was a ventriloquist on stage making loads of jokes about Irishman. In the interval and Irishman went up to him and said "could you stop making jokes about my people, we have feelings to you know". "Ok" said the ventriloquist "I'll stop". "I wasn't talking to you" replied the Irishman "I was talking to the little punk on your knee".
There was an Englishman, and Scotsman, and an Irishman on a building site eating their sandwiches. "Corned beef again," said the Englishman "if I get corned beef sandwiches once more ill jump off this building". "Porridge sandwiches again" said the Scotsman " If I get porridge sandwiches once more ill jump off this building". "Potato sandwiches again" said the Irishman "If I get potato sandwiches once more I'll jump off this building". The next day they were eating their sandwiches and the Englishman got corned beef, the Scotsman got porridge and the Irishman got potato. All three of them jumped off the building and died. At the funeral a reporter interviewed the Irishman's wife. "It's so sad" she wept "he made his own sandwiches".
What do you all an Irishman at a university?
Lost
What do you call an Irishman with two brain cells?
Gifted
There were three wannabe astronauts, a Russian, an American and an Irishman, sitting in a bar.
The Russian says "We Russians are the best because we were the first in orbit."
The American says "We Americans are the best because we were the first on the moon."
Then the Irishman says, "Well we Irish are going to be the first on the sun."
With that the American and the Russian look at the Irishman and say "You'll get burnt you idiot."
The Irishman replies, "We're going at night you morons!"
An Irishman goes into a shop and buys a chainsaw. Two weeks later he returns the chainsaw and says to the shop assistant: "2 weeks ago I bought this chainsaw and you said that it would chop down 50 trees in an hour. I can only manage 2 trees." The shop assistant says, "let me see", and starts the machine up. BRRRRRR!!! The Irishman jumps back in surprise and says "what's that noise?!?"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in China, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender agreed that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in an orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking!"
Did you hear about the Irishman who was stranded for an hour when the escalator broke down?
I would just like to say that no offence is meant to any Irish people by the jokes on this page
