<html> <!--Generated by Angelfire: L00S00--> <head> <title>...Speak of one that loved not wisely, but too well.</title> </head> <body bgcolor="#ffffff" background="/rock/brytness/images/pinkfabric.art" text="#000000" link="#00ff00" alink="#ffa500" vlink="#ff0000"> <basefont size="3"> <!--Header--> <h1 align="center">...Speak of one that loved not wisely, but too well.</h1> <!--EndHeader--> <!--Freetext--><center>~Othello (Shakespeare)~</center><hr> <b>Trigger</b> <br> What is he now<br> but<br> a picture on the wall,<br> a song on the radio,<br> a date on the calendar,<p> a lifeless note in a shoebox,<p> a shirt in the closet,<br> a letter in the mail,<br> a flower dried up in the vase,<p> a face in my mind,<p> a voice over the phone,<br> a hope deep in my heart,<br> a whisper of goodbye,<p> a word on the page.<br> 102501<p> <b>Into the Woods</b> <br> I told that sucker to drive away from here<br> fast<br> into the darkness<br> so I would forget the look on his face when I said<br> goodbye<br> to our days<br> when the smiles were brighter than<br> the suns come and gone,<br> like the exhaust vibrating with his<br> jerks, misunderstanding, misconnected emotions<br> flooding the engine,<br> drowning his reply<br> with the sound of his <br> cautionary<br> horn<br> 102401<p> <b>Push & Pull</b> <br> Something in the wind tonight<br> pulls me back from original thought. <br> "To be or not to be?" <br> or simply, <br> to trudge on<br> or drop all expectations immediately? <br> Swaying back and forth<br> like the trees where we used to swing. <br> Understanding suddenly<br> all those love songs we used to sing<br> (under our breaths).<p> But some forces are stronger. <br> Gravity, for instance, will only pull us down.<br> Would I be guilty to admit<br> that I wish you were still around, <br> I wish we could have tried<br> to make our futures rhyme, <br> to make the time right now?<p> Right now I stand<br> with the wind pushing me back, <br> with the breeze on my face<br> reminding me of your touch. <br> Simply, <br> I don't know what's meant to be. <br> 092001<p> <b>Used to Be</b><br> It's happening. <br> The pictures have this sharp tinge of <br> "used to be," <br> and I wonder where<br> "I love you"<br> disappeared in our conversational partings. <br> I stuffed him away in boxes Saturday, <br> the little notes he used to leave me, <br> the little toys that would remind me<br> that silliness was acceptable in this light. <br> Everything's on my shelf, <br>and I fear the day I'll smell him again. <br> The dam will break that day, <br> all comes tumbling down, <br> the strength I reserved for that day<br> when I realize all is different--<br> or just the way they used to be. <p> I feel it now, <br> but do I believe it? <br> Words flow like rivers now, <br> but can I perceive <br> how I might be in three weeks? <br> I wouldn't want to know.<p> All I know is that it's happening. <br> Those little notes are all he left me<br> when he left me, <br> and now all that I see is<br> "used to be." <br> 092301<p> <b>Before Closing</b> <br> I look at him, <br> see a locked box before me<br> because to open it now, <br> to learn more about this creature would be<br> death<br> to the heart.<p> I have to let go sometime.<p> He’s here but gone already. <br> A preparation all too familiar, <br> but this time harder. <br> As if the initial stab hurt, <br> but the reopening, just depressing, <br> to see the blood that should have dried upon the<br> scab.<p> I wonder if the pictures will have to come down, <br> if I will childishly board up the momentous<br> and put the dry flowers in a shoebox. <br>No more light, <br> for now, <br> until this numbness of<br> seeing his reflection but calling it an illusion<br> dissipates. <br> The words will go unread for months<br> because they pick at the wound, <br> try to crawl beneath the skin again, <br> reminding me of the<br> should haves, could haves, would haves.<p> Remembering each crevice of his body<br> as well as my own, <br> fitting so perfectly together<br> on a mattress each summer night. <br> Turning, twisting, <br> finding beauty in another light.<p> But darkness now.<p> I tell myself, <br> "maybe this time will be easier," <br> "There’s no other choice," <br> "Love until it hurts," <br> "All will work out in the end," <br> "Out of sight, out of mind."<p> And then I look at his sleeping <br> body<br> and ask myself<br> "Who am I kidding?"<p> And then I look away. <p> Oh yeah, love can hurt, <br> especially before it’s closed<br> forever. 090201<p> <b>Undeniable Truths</b> <br> I see his body everywhere, <br> shadows moving across the grass in the park<br> where we took pictures, <br> solid memories for something<br>temporary.<p> We knew it all along, <br> but when can one prepare<br> for the closing of the heart? <br> Too early, <br> and I miss all the final beauties, <br> waste time on remembering maybes<br> when we still had a chance. <br> But too late, <br> and I could bleed for months<br> each association with just his eyes.<p> I find it too easy to miss him<br> while he’s still here. <br> Protection against the criminal, <br> undeniable<br> truths. <br> People too often come and go, <br> and there’s never a solid guarantee<br> of anything. <br> Let go once, <br> and miracles may happen. <br> Hurt once, <br> and it will take mountains<br> to build up the truth to ever<br> let go once<br> more.<p> Afraid of missing, <br> afraid of losing, <br> afraid of feeling the pain too early, <br> afraid of seeing the gain too late. <br> 090201<p> <b>Orange</b> <br> Examine slowly<br> the ridges, eyes<br> that examine slowly<br> the dirt and water, <br> the shadows beneath the crevices, <br> the remains of where it has been. <br> Love innocence in its true form. <br> No natural way to enter<br> obliterate<br> it, no side better than the other. <br> Bruises that wouldn’t go away, <br> here, cherished today. <p> Pierce slowly, <br> the ridges, eyes<br> that cry softly, <br> spray the air and give flavor<br> to the wind. <br> Inhale deeply, <br> take it in while everything is fresh<br> --still innocent--<br> fresh and living, <br> unknowing what might happen next.<p> Unwrap slowly<br> and find the fruit there<br> waiting to feel a miracle. <br> Break it to pieces, <br> fast so the pain is quick--<br> slowly in your head<br> everything becomes clear.<p> Some pieces holding on--<br> shattered. Flavor--louder<br> to the wind.<p> Tear it all apart, <br> the tear drops sweet and shining. <br> Feeling? Faster in anticipation. <br> Can’t wait any longer. <br> It’s all over from here. <br> Naked, there was never a chance<br> to leave here if not<br> dead or consumed. <br> 072301<p> <b>Lily</b><br> Dirty hands<br> garden<br> no scaffolding<br> blind folded<br> Discover again for the first time<br> Lover’s skin enveloping beauty<br> soft embrace<br> lying in flower petals<br> life in an innocent form<br> reach out, taste the sweetness<br> bouncy, fluffy, clouds<br> unseen<br> shapes bubbling<br> foaming at the mouth<br> taste blindness<br> no scaffolding<br> touch it again<br> with dirty hands<br> and finally understand<br> 072501<p> <b>Salama</b><br> Sail away with <br> animal hides, bamboo stalks, <br> and a battered rudder. <br> Salama<br> Now or never<br> ride fast into the air, <br> the unknown, <br> that which we take for granted<br> --because the search is grander--<br> but could kill us in the end. <br> Sand<br> falls through in time, <br> hits the bottom like a rock<br> (compact sand) or lava<br> hot---keeps us moving, <br> keeps us chasing dreams<br> and sounds we will never forget<br> but might store away. <br> Sanguine, <br> red hot like the burning<br> sensation of your hand in mine when we <br> sail away<br> because we might find a way<br> to stay the same.<p> Keeps us moving, <br> keeps us chasing dreams, <br> and I will keep you forever<br> in this water. <br> 072701<p> <b>Stalling</b> <br> Every time I’m with you, <br> I feel the sensation of finally saying to you—<br> and giving to you<br> all that’s been on my mind.<p> It’s been a while since an angel could stop me with his eyes. <p> We’re not losing nothing here, babe. <br> So why do I feel like I’d be stealing something worse than an apple? <br> I prayed that nothing would change<br> (just like I always do), <br> so here I am standing under the rain, <br> asking you to deliver me some sort of pain<br> to stop this sensation<br> before I can break you.<p> Twisted, turned upside down in the belly of our dreams.<p> I saw you swimming away <br> before I even landed. <br> Why can’t I just ask you—<br> give to you something<br> all over again, <br> to make it to the end<br> without any regrets in hand? <br> Why do I fear your eyes<br>and what you might reply? <br> I try to tell myself, “No” is not the worst response in the world<br> for a girl, <br> but I just cannot imagine this being the right place<br> at the wrong time.<p> I cannot shatter a wonder <br> just to fulfill <br> the lightning with its thunder.<p> Make me instruments of your peace. <br> Tell me before you release. <br> Know I’ll be waiting<br> for my time at ease. <br> 052501<p> <b>This is Hope </b> <br> I told him he’d always have the key--<br> but then I ran away, <br> a victim of my own fears, <br> and fled leaving a single hope<br> in this metal object. <br> Something for him to touch in<br> the summer months, <br> something to keep me close as he slept. <br> Was I evil to lock him away<br> as I lived another dream? <br> Did he think about me at night<br> though I no longer held him? <br> And will he stay forever? <br> Will the silences become unbearable<br> because we have lost our present tense? <br> Does he know I think about him all the time? <br> We didn’t even lose our innocence together, <br> but we are bound together<br> by this promise. <br> It can’t be broken! <br> He holds the key. <br> And if he never comes back... <br> then I’ll live on everlasting hope. <br> 021301, #689<p><b>The Keys II</b><br> Five keys jingle in my pocket, <br> each unlocking a part of me<br> that should be stored forever. <br> But I can’t help peaking into the treasure chests<br> at night<br> when the world sleeps in their safe, happy homes. <br> I need something solid, <br> something to feast my eyes on<br> when I write<br> and something to tell me<br> it’s going to be alright.<p> There first was Samuel. <br> He answered my questions without a word<br> while we played DJ on my stereo. <br> He ran away with his three words, <br> my desire, <br> and left promises to be broken trailing long the way.<p> Thomas came from Arkansas<br> and was ready to fly. <br> We built mountains to climb, <br> dug basins to fill with our farewell tears<br> when the fun was time to be over. <br> I thought I really knew him, <br> and he took with him all I ever really knew.<p> Phillip was more persuasive<br> and won his award for the courage<br> he used during the hardest confrontations. <br> He stole me Independence Day, <br> Freedom, <br> he stole away<br> across the ocean<br> and I knew not to dream any longer.<p> Alex was an accident. <br> Overcome by his beauty, <br> I laughed at his misery, <br> treasured his embrace; <br> but favors were never returned. <br> No regrets here on out.<p> And now Robert--he’s the one of my dreams, <br> but I can’t help knowing<br> what is bound to happen. <br> Are there the surprises of the first four? <br> And how dare they destroy my hopes for more...<p> Broken records on the needle--<br> sharp, stabbing realities; <br> pricking what I knew of love, <br> what I know now. <br> It’s not about knowing how, <br> but wanting to move on. <br> My eyes peel back, <br> and I sing the sad songs just to remember, <br> just to be close to understanding<br> what happened just four years before. <br> A kiss, a smile, a miss, a dial, <br> a look, a fuck, a truth--I’m stuck<br> on the past. I know it well. <br> That key won’t open me further; <br> it’ll drown me in hell. <br> 021301, #690<p> <b>Breakthrough</b> <br> I haven't written in months. <br> They say Sullen Girl has flown away. <br> I think she's been locked in my basement, <br> sulking in cob-webbed dreams <br> and powdered innocence. <br> (Or was there any left to cover?)<p> I've been waiting for a rap at the door. <br> They say the miseries hit rock bottom. <br> I think she's been swimming down to find some more, <br> a love below the other tortures in her brain. <br> There's always hell to pay <br> when you're this wasted.<p> I saw shadows by my window the past two nights. <br> They say spirits are real. <br> I think she knows it when she looks into his eyes: <br> Nothing else is going to save her now. <br> He knows too much <br> to be let down without a consequence.<p> I lay down with too much to say. <br> They say poetry will come naturally. <br> I think she's been waiting all this time <br> for something to challenge her, <br> take her away from the norm- <br> just for something to say for herself. <p> I kiss him without any breath . <br> They say it's a sin. <br> I think she's finally found love. <br> 012401, #683<p> <b>The Story I Never Tell</b><br> Have I missed something? <br> Have I regarded my peers as mortal judges <br> of my countenance as they <br> place me in boxes of stereotypes <br> and expectations? <br> Have I dared to try <br> to have them tell me something more than I already know?<p> Pictures say a thousand words, <br> but my words are worth a thousand pictures. <br> My memory is fading, <br> and the pages are tearing in rage, <br> craving for those incredible eyes to grace the page. <br> No one's listening! <br> No one's understanding- <br> and I can no longer, <br> knowing we belong together- <br> and I am the one preventing the consummation.<p> Someone told me that things happen for a reason. <br> I even forget who-was it you <br> in my window last night, <br> shouting words into my sleep? <br> I was restless. <br> I crawled all around the truth <br> just to feel you <br> in any way possible.<p> I dreamt you came up through my window, <br> Whispered lullabies. <br> Truths? I know not. <br> But the words I will never repeat. <br> I'd be ashamed to expect so much. <br> A fantasy? A wish? But I admit <br> this is the story I never tell, <br> and there's no way to finish it. <br> 012401, #684<p> <b>The Words to Say It</b> <br> Did I ever tell you how undeserving I was? <br> There's forever more to say.<p> A Past shouldn't hold us back, <br> but I keep seeing Black <br>when I look into our nights. <br> No words to say. <br> I can feel it more in my fingertips. <br> Sparks, I'd be satisfied in your arms <br> and not hear a word. <br> (No words to say it.) <p> My prophet laid it out for me. <br> I knew it before I learned to play the part. <br> Do you even know you're falling apart? <br> Come swing by me. Take a part of my heart <br> and rearrange it in the crucible of your soul. <br> Melt it into your little moves <br> to bring me closer. Hold my hand <br> deeper underwater until I am unafraid.<p> I know how long you'll stay- <br> until I suggest an obstacle in the way. <br> My habits haven't gone away. <br> I wouldn't warn you if I had a choice, <br> if I did know of any other way. <br> I love you today, and tomorrow <br> it'll grow into something to tear apart. <br> I'll cry without you. I'll die without you. <br> Maybe then I'll have to words to say it. <br> Then I will deserve this pain. <br> 012401, #685<p> <b>nothingness</b> <br> He appeared after two years of nothingness<br> in my words, my sacred words that have revealed the truth<br> twenty-two times over,<br> twenty-two too many times. <br> I believed “something good” was happening. <br> Did I really conceive that? <br> Was his being in my life worth a song? <br> Did I understand too well the lines<br> In between? <br> I was in between love and love<br> Forever. I was doing something<br> for the faith I had in him<br> two years earlier<br> only to be crushed again. <br> Yes, I knew it from the start; <br> Maybe I wanted something to splinter this heart<br> that had been healing for two--<br> And two people were brought together again<br> in a summer dream. Too hot for comfort. <br> “I’m sad he’s gone,” but no answer would could from<br> absence. <br> Then September rain: cool and dead<br> like the memories, that part of me<br> I tried to destroy by drowning in regret. <br> Why wasn’t I to be she? Why couldn’t I lie on his bed<br> And know something beautiful was going to happen? <br> Why couldn’t I rely on my words to save me anymore? <br> So I died that night, <br> Took a two-and-two break away<br> to let him discover himself in another way. <br> Sadness in the messages he left the next days. <br> I stopped by—started around the circle again, <br> happy for once. <br> But something would have to tear us apart—<br> Fire in the heart, taking us back to where we started. <br> Floodgates open. Kisses from every source he ever knew. <br> I was ready to fade away once more, <br> but he kept me close. I couldn’t have asked for more<br> during these treacherous months <br> of finally discovering myself during inclement weather. <br> And now here we are, staring at the ultimate purpose, <br> apparently, and we don’t know when it’s going to happen, <br> when everything and everyone will be complete. <br> But we promised to meet up again and find out. <br> Never again can we say there was nothingness, <br> not if we have been waiting for this. 123000<p> <b>Five-Pointed Stars</b> <br> I took the chance<br> to believe burning<br> couldn't affect the one I knew so well. <br> Well, the devil's root<br> pierces once again. <br> A good discovery<br> turns all others scared<br> for until and then. <p> Unknown within, <br> the treasures to get to him. <br> Set ablaze, <br> never like before<br> in danger. <br> And then I'm scared again. <br> Water works<br> to drizzle the flame. <br> Whatever works<br> to have nothing change.<p> The fame! The glory! <br> I heard every version of his story<br> as he rolled his eyes. <br> He sees nothing wrong. <br> He has more followers--<br> but nothing's wrong. <br> I see how low I can hit the ground<br> and nothing's wrong. <br> He says, <br> and I believe, <br> and fall harder<br> once I have achieved--<p> I was thrust into knowing. <br> I was quickly seeing<br> in disbelief, <br> five-pointed stars<br> shooting silver shiny sparklers. <br> Fuckers, all lined up one-by-one<br> to watch<br> --shield my ears--<br> but watch<br> as nothing more <br> can ever be achieved. <p> I take leave<br> and told him to expect it too. <br> Beauty only remains <br> as we turn around again. <p> Fire burning, <br> it was our last chance. <br> 112400<p> <b>Flame Thrower</b> <br> Just as I was falling asleep<br> forever<br> he comes flaming by<br> almost unnoticed<br> but famous, still<br> and by the view<br> I knew nothing<br> could stay the same. <br> He denies me, <br> and I deny the pain<br> I see in his scars<br> or all the sparkles in my stars<br> Hope... <br> showering down over me<br> but wrongly soaking. <br> And what is he, blowing by<br> and still something's gone. <br> We are not alone here<br> by the stone<br> used to crash and clatter<br> the sky above. <br> Forever<br> I am dying alone<br> by his flame. 112400<p> <b>Why</b><br> Did you ever feel that your eyes gave you away? <br> Did your laugh ever show me more <br> insecurity than you wanted<br> anyone to ever know? <br> Did you brush by his arm<br> just to touch his flaming skin? <br> Did you know more than you ever wanted, <br> twenty times over your fill? <br> I will tell you what<br> can't help you more<br> by being obvious: <br> everyone feels the same.<p> So with that said, <br> why didn't I see the same in his eyes? <br> Why couldn't I decipher the fear in his laugh? <br> Why didn't I feel his skin burning beside mine? <br> Why doesn't he know I sit here<br> taking everyone one of his breaths<br> and saving it for me soul to use<br> when he's no longer around? <br> Why is equality also so uneven? <br> Why do we want what we cannot have? <br> Why do you ask why?<p> And he says, "Why not?" 112400<p> <b>Enjoy the Moment</b><br> We finally lie<br> face to face<br> on his swimming sheets<br> where he sleeps every night<br> And now I'm here, <br> invited over the pillow<br> to take a dive into his dreams<br> He closes his eyes<br> and hides all but his lashes<br> that quiver: he is hardly asleep<br> And I move closer<br> "See me, <br> take me," my open eyes say, <br> but he cannot see me<br> and takes me away, anyway<br> The desperate soul begins to sway asleep<br> his way; cover the truth, <br> but enjoy the moment. <br> When he opens his eyes, <br> everything will be the same again. <br> 112400<p> <b>Red Eye</b> <br> He has such friendly eyes, <br> the kind that sneak their way<br> into her hot, burning soul. <br> They go unnoticed, at first, as they search<br> for clues, a deeper way<br> into her mind and faith. <br> They are the home of <br> experience, shame, and hope<br> to find a pair of eyes as desperate<br> to find understanding.<p> And as he soul-searches<br> she quivers. <br> (Can you even remember their color?) <br> Should you let him in, <br> take down the cover<br> she took down to the river to mend? <br> Should she surprise him from the back, <br> tape, and lead him in? <br> Is she scared of what she might find<br> (crystal balls, they show a future...)? <br> And is she even listening as he screens?<p> She heard him<br> as he listened<br> to her speak, <br> and he said<br> everything on her mind. <br> Too late. He's already in. <br> Now where to go from here?<p> He takes one step closer<br> and recoils in embarrassment<br> when he cannot guess her direction. <br> The laugh distracts her for a second<br> as he comes closer to the fire. <br> Warmth. <br> As he feels deeper, <br> she's almost there--<br> unexplainable truths. <br> She felt the same <br> between the unknown. <br> The haze blankets their uncertainty. <br> Red rushes all around.<p> Different looks. <br> Some other sort of miracle. <br> Now comes from his eyes something unfamiliar. <br> She refuses to refuse. <br> He needs to need. <br> This far in, he's too late. <br> Now how to get there? <br> 111900<p> <b>"What a horrible crystal ball!"</b> <br> I see it how it is.<br> I am what I see,<br> and all the other words<br> will make up a memory<br> and take me to somewhere where free<br> men won't abuse a girl<br> like me.<p> Honesty won't kill our chances.<br> I won't be fearful of the crystal ball<br> and his subliminal messages<br> in his voice, over the phone,<br> and somehow, I'm feeling more alone<br> than I have ever been<br> inside myself. I subside.<p> And I died on that lawnchair for you.<br> I'll never take it to where I will prove<br> anything more to you<br> except for your scent.<br> Man, I knew what you meant<br> as you carried a long way<br> all your worries, all your children along<br> with all your prey. <br> Funny how we always end up this way.<p> Silence.<br> Wondering what it's all supposed to mean.<br> I took the dramamine <br> and faded to sleep,<br> only to wake up<br> and find this reality far from a dream.<p> I look deeper<br> and recoil. Can't take it,<br> and I will boil <br> away to find the red within this gray<br> and some day,<br> I'll see you<br> and your gameface<br> in a better place. <br> Far from what I know as me;<br> I'll be in safety.<br> 111700<p> <b>#668</b><br> i never thought it would come to this:<br>a wish come true<br>before the penny tossed.<br>a hope for more<br>though nothing is lost.<br>or should i hope for less<br>as i imagine the best?<br>the currents keep blwoing,<br>and now he's more than showing<br>me a way to live.<br>this is a way to be:<br>to be challenged at every breath.<br>to feel exhausted<br>but strangely satisfied.<br>i see it all in his eyes,<br>but i refuse to believe<br>this is the way to be.<br>this is the only way to me. 092400<p> <b>#667</b> <br> Traffic lights scatter across the rims of his glasses<br> as shadows dive into puddles on the sidewalk.<br> Red to green.<br>I'm ready to go,<br>but he hesitates.<br>The speed was too fast<br>to catch his flickering heart,<br>his fleeting devotion<br>to another woman.<br>I run anyway.<br>I don't even check behind for an answer.<br>(I'd die anyway).<br>My mind changes<br>as fast as the hazard lights.<br>I forget for the moment,<br>but I'm reimbersed by the muse<br>in the window<br>behind the curtain,<br>guiding my life.<br>I turn around to check for certain.<br>But then he turns away.<br>Green to red.<br>I turn back to face ahead.<br>There's not other way. 091400<!--EndFreetext--> <p> <!--Links--> <font size="5"></font> <p> <a href="/rock/brytness">So sweet was never so </a><br> <a href="mailto:brytness@aol.com">fatal. ~Othello (Shakespeare)</a><br> <p> <!--EndLinks--> <!--Counter--> <center><img src="/cgi-bin/Count.cgi"></center> <p> <!--EndCounter--> </body> </html>