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<title>...Speak of one that loved not wisely, but too well.</title>
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<h1 align="center">...Speak of one that loved not wisely, but too well.</h1>
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<!--Freetext--><center>~Othello (Shakespeare)~</center><hr>

<b>Trigger</b> <br>
What is he now<br>
but<br>
a picture on the wall,<br>
a song on the radio,<br>
a date on the calendar,<p>

a lifeless note in a shoebox,<p>

a shirt in the closet,<br>
a letter in the mail,<br>
a flower dried up in the vase,<p>

a face in my mind,<p>

a voice over the phone,<br>
a hope deep in my heart,<br>
a whisper of goodbye,<p>

a word on the page.<br>
102501<p>

<b>Into the Woods</b> <br>
I told that sucker to drive away from here<br>
fast<br>
into the darkness<br>
so I would forget the look on his face when I said<br>
goodbye<br>
to our days<br>
when the smiles were brighter than<br>
the suns come and gone,<br>
like the exhaust vibrating with his<br>
jerks, misunderstanding, misconnected emotions<br>
flooding the engine,<br>
drowning his reply<br>
with the sound of his <br>
cautionary<br>
horn<br>
102401<p>

<b>Push & Pull</b> <br>
Something in the wind tonight<br>
pulls me back from original thought. <br>
"To be or not to be?" <br>
or simply, <br>
to trudge on<br>
or drop all expectations immediately? <br>
 Swaying back and forth<br>
like the trees where we used to swing. <br>
Understanding suddenly<br>
all those love songs we used to sing<br>
(under our breaths).<p>
But some forces are stronger. <br>
Gravity, for instance, will only pull us down.<br>
Would I be guilty to admit<br>
that I wish you were still around, <br>
I wish we could have tried<br>
to make our futures rhyme, <br>
to make the time right now?<p>
Right now I stand<br>
with the wind pushing me back, <br>
with the breeze on my face<br>
reminding me of your touch. <br>
Simply, <br>
I don't know what's meant to be. <br>
092001<p>
<b>Used to Be</b><br>
It's happening. <br>
The pictures have this sharp tinge of <br>
"used to be," <br>
and I wonder where<br>
"I love you"<br>
disappeared in our conversational partings. <br>
I stuffed him away in boxes Saturday, <br>
the little notes he used to leave me, <br>
the little toys that would remind me<br>
that silliness was acceptable in this light. <br>
Everything's on my shelf, <br>and I fear the day I'll smell him again. <br>
The dam will break that day, <br>
all comes tumbling down, <br>
the strength I reserved for that day<br>
when I realize all is different--<br>
or just the way they used to be. <p>
I feel it now, <br>
but do I believe it? <br>
Words flow like rivers now, <br>
but can I perceive <br>
how I might be in three weeks? <br>
I wouldn't want to know.<p>
All I know is that it's happening. <br>
Those little notes are all he left me<br>
when he left me, <br>
and now all that I see is<br>
"used to be." <br>
092301<p>

<b>Before Closing</b> <br>
I look at him, <br>
see a locked box before me<br>
because to open it now, <br>
to learn more about this creature would be<br>
death<br>
to the heart.<p>
I have to let go sometime.<p>
He’s here but gone already. <br>
A preparation all too familiar, <br>
but this time harder. <br>
As if the initial stab hurt, <br>
but the reopening, just depressing, <br>
to see the blood that should have dried upon the<br>
scab.<p>
I wonder if the pictures will have to come down, <br>
if I will childishly board up the momentous<br>
and put the dry flowers in a shoebox. <br>No more light, <br>
for now, <br>
until this numbness of<br>
seeing his reflection but calling it an illusion<br>
dissipates. <br>
The words will go unread for months<br>
because they pick at the wound, <br>
try to crawl beneath the skin again, <br>
reminding me of the<br>
should haves, could haves, would haves.<p>
Remembering each crevice of his body<br>
as well as my own, <br>
fitting so perfectly together<br>
on a mattress each summer night. <br>
Turning, twisting, <br>
finding beauty in another light.<p>
But darkness now.<p>
I tell myself, <br>
"maybe this time will be easier," <br>
"There’s no other choice," <br>
"Love until it hurts," <br>
"All will work out in the end," <br>
"Out of sight, out of mind."<p>
And then I look at his sleeping <br>
body<br>
and ask myself<br>
"Who am I kidding?"<p>
And then I look away. <p>
Oh yeah, love can hurt, <br>
especially before it’s closed<br>
forever.		090201<p>

<b>Undeniable Truths</b> <br>
I see his body everywhere, <br>
shadows moving across the grass in the park<br>
where we took pictures, <br>
solid memories for something<br>temporary.<p>
We knew it all along, <br>
but when can one prepare<br>
for the closing of the heart? <br>
Too early, <br>
and I miss all the final beauties, <br>
waste time on remembering maybes<br>
when we still had a chance. <br>
But too late, <br>
and I could bleed for months<br>
each association with just his eyes.<p>
I find it too easy to miss him<br>
while he’s still here. <br>
Protection against the criminal, <br>
undeniable<br>
truths. <br>
People too often come and go, <br>
and there’s never a solid guarantee<br>
of anything. <br>
Let go once, <br>
and miracles may happen. <br>
Hurt once, <br>
and it will take mountains<br>
to build up the truth to ever<br>
let go once<br>
more.<p>
Afraid of missing, <br>
afraid of losing, <br>
afraid of feeling the pain too early, <br>
afraid of seeing the gain too late. <br>
090201<p>


<b>Orange</b> <br>
Examine slowly<br>
the ridges, eyes<br>
that examine slowly<br>
the dirt and water, <br>
the shadows beneath the crevices, <br>
the remains of where it has been. <br>
Love innocence in its true form. <br>
No natural way to enter<br>
obliterate<br>
it, no side better than the other. <br>
Bruises that wouldn’t go away, <br>
here, cherished today. <p>
Pierce slowly, <br>
the ridges, eyes<br>
that cry softly, <br>
spray the air and give flavor<br>
to the wind. <br>
Inhale deeply, <br>
take it in while everything is fresh<br>
--still innocent--<br>
fresh and living, <br>
unknowing what might happen next.<p>
Unwrap slowly<br>
and find the fruit there<br>
waiting to feel a miracle. <br>
Break it to pieces, <br>
fast so the pain is quick--<br>
slowly in your head<br>
everything becomes clear.<p>
Some pieces holding on--<br>
shattered.  Flavor--louder<br>
to the wind.<p>
Tear it all apart, <br>
the tear drops sweet and shining. <br>
Feeling?  Faster in anticipation. <br>
Can’t wait any longer. <br>
It’s all over from here. <br>
Naked, there was never a chance<br>
to leave here if not<br>
dead or consumed. <br>
072301<p>
<b>Lily</b><br>
Dirty hands<br>
garden<br>
no scaffolding<br>
blind folded<br>
Discover again for the first time<br>
Lover’s skin enveloping beauty<br>
soft embrace<br>
lying in flower petals<br>
life in an innocent form<br>
reach out, taste the sweetness<br>
bouncy, fluffy, clouds<br>
unseen<br>
shapes bubbling<br>
foaming at the mouth<br>
taste blindness<br>
no scaffolding<br>
touch it again<br>
with dirty hands<br>
and finally understand<br>
072501<p>
<b>Salama</b><br>
Sail away with <br>
animal hides, bamboo stalks, <br>
and a battered rudder. <br>
Salama<br>
Now or never<br>
ride fast into the air, <br>
the unknown, <br>
that which we take for granted<br>
--because the search is grander--<br>
but could kill us in the end. <br>
Sand<br>
falls through in time, <br>
hits the bottom like a rock<br>
(compact sand) or lava<br>
hot---keeps us moving, <br>
keeps us chasing dreams<br>
and sounds we will never forget<br>
but might store away. <br>
Sanguine, <br>
red hot like the burning<br>
sensation of your hand in mine when we <br>
sail away<br>
because we might find a way<br>
to stay the same.<p>
Keeps us moving, <br>
keeps us chasing dreams, <br>
and I will keep you forever<br>
in this water. <br>
072701<p>
<b>Stalling</b> <br>
Every time I’m with you, <br>
I feel the sensation of finally saying to you—<br>
and giving to you<br>
all that’s been on my mind.<p>
It’s been a while since an angel could stop me with his eyes.  <p>
We’re not losing nothing here, babe. <br>
So why do I feel like I’d be stealing something worse than an apple? <br>
I prayed that nothing would change<br>
(just like I always do), <br>
so here I am standing under the rain, <br>
asking you to deliver me some sort of pain<br>
to stop this sensation<br>
before I can break you.<p>
Twisted, turned upside down in the belly of our dreams.<p>
I saw you swimming away <br>
before I even landed. <br>
Why can’t I just ask you—<br>
give to you something<br>
all over again, <br>
to make it to the end<br>
without any regrets in hand? <br>
Why do I fear your eyes<br>and what you might reply? <br>
I try to tell myself, “No” is not the worst response in the world<br>
for a girl, <br>
but I just cannot imagine this being the right place<br>
at the wrong time.<p>
I cannot shatter a wonder <br>
just to fulfill <br>
the lightning with its thunder.<p>
Make me instruments of your peace. <br>
Tell me before you release. <br>
Know I’ll be waiting<br>
for my time at ease. <br>
052501<p>
 
<b>This is Hope </b> <br>
I told him he’d always have the key--<br>
but then I ran away, <br>
a victim of my own fears, <br>
and fled leaving a single hope<br>
in this metal object. <br>
Something for him to touch in<br>
the summer months, <br>
something to keep me close as he slept. <br>
Was I evil to lock him away<br>
as I lived another dream? <br>
Did he think about me at night<br>
though I no longer held him? <br>
And will he stay forever? <br>
Will the silences become unbearable<br>
because we have lost our present tense? <br>
Does he know I think about him all the time? <br>
We didn’t even lose our innocence together, <br>
but we are bound together<br>
by this promise. <br>
It can’t be broken! <br>
He holds the key. <br>
And if he never comes back... <br>
then I’ll live on everlasting hope. <br>
021301, #689<p><b>The Keys II</b><br>
Five keys jingle in my pocket, <br>
each unlocking a part of me<br>
that should be stored forever. <br>
But I can’t help peaking into the treasure chests<br>
at night<br>
when the world sleeps in their safe, happy homes. <br>
I need something solid, <br>
something to feast my eyes on<br>
when I write<br>
and something to tell me<br>
it’s going to be alright.<p>
There first was Samuel. <br>
He answered my questions without a word<br>
while we played DJ on my stereo. <br>
He ran away with his three words, <br>
my desire, <br>
and left promises to be broken trailing long the way.<p>
Thomas came from Arkansas<br>
and was ready to fly. <br>
We built mountains to climb, <br>
dug basins to fill with our farewell tears<br>
when the fun was time to be over. <br>
I thought I really knew him, <br>
and he took with him all I ever really knew.<p>
Phillip was more persuasive<br>
and won his award for the courage<br>
he used during the hardest confrontations. <br>
He stole me Independence Day, <br>
Freedom, <br>
he stole away<br>
across the ocean<br>
and I knew not to dream any longer.<p>
Alex was an accident. <br>
Overcome by his beauty, <br>
I laughed at his misery, <br>
treasured his embrace; <br>
but favors were never returned. <br>
No regrets here on out.<p>
And now Robert--he’s the one of my dreams, <br>
but I can’t help knowing<br>
what is bound to happen. <br>
Are there the surprises of the first four? <br>
And how dare they destroy my hopes for more...<p>
Broken records on the needle--<br>
sharp, stabbing realities; <br>
pricking what I knew of love, <br>
what I know now. <br>
It’s not about knowing how, <br>
but wanting to move on. <br>
My eyes peel back, <br>
and I sing the sad songs just to remember, <br>
just to be close to understanding<br>
what happened just four years before. <br>
A kiss, a smile, a miss, a dial, <br>
a look, a fuck, a truth--I’m stuck<br>
on the past.  I know it well. <br>
That key won’t open me further; <br>
it’ll drown me in hell. <br>
021301, #690<p>
<b>Breakthrough</b> <br>
I haven't written in months. <br>
They say Sullen Girl has flown away. <br>
I think she's been locked in my basement, <br>
sulking in cob-webbed dreams <br>
and powdered innocence. <br>
(Or was there any left to cover?)<p>

I've been waiting for a rap at the door. <br>
They say the miseries hit rock bottom. <br>
I think she's been swimming down to find some more, <br>
a love below the other tortures in her brain. <br>
There's always hell to pay <br>
when you're this wasted.<p>

I saw shadows by my window the past two nights. <br>
They say spirits are real. <br>
I think she knows it when she looks into his eyes: <br>
Nothing else is going to save her now. <br>
He knows too much <br>
to be let down without a consequence.<p>

I lay down with too much to say. <br>
They say poetry will come naturally. <br>
I think she's been waiting all this time <br>
for something to challenge her, <br>
take her away from the norm- <br>
just for something to say for herself. <p>

I kiss him without any breath . <br>
They say it's a sin. <br>
I think she's finally found love. <br>
012401, #683<p>

<b>The Story I Never Tell</b><br>
Have I missed something? <br>
Have I regarded my peers as mortal judges <br>
of my countenance as they <br>
place me in boxes of stereotypes <br>
and expectations? <br>
Have I dared to try <br>
to have them tell me something more than I already know?<p>
Pictures say a thousand words, <br>
but my words are worth a thousand pictures. <br>
My memory is fading, <br>
and the pages are tearing in rage, <br>
craving for those incredible eyes to grace the page. <br>
No one's listening! <br>
No one's understanding- <br>
and I can no longer, <br>
knowing we belong together- <br>
and I am the one preventing the consummation.<p>
Someone told me that things happen for a reason. <br>
I even forget who-was it you <br>
in my window last night, <br>
shouting words into my sleep? <br>
I was restless. <br>
I crawled all around the truth <br>
just to feel you <br>
in any way possible.<p>
I dreamt you came up through my window, <br>
Whispered lullabies. <br>
Truths?  I know not. <br>
But the words I will never repeat. <br>
I'd be ashamed to expect so much. <br>
A fantasy?  A wish?  But I admit <br>
this is the story I never tell, <br>
and there's no way to finish it. <br>
012401, #684<p>

<b>The Words to Say It</b> <br>
Did I ever tell you how undeserving I was? <br>
There's forever more to say.<p>
A Past shouldn't hold us back, <br>
but I keep seeing Black <br>when I look into our nights. <br>
No words to say. <br>
I can feel it more in my fingertips. <br>
Sparks, I'd be satisfied in your arms <br>
and not hear a word. <br>
(No words to say it.) <p>

My prophet laid it out for me. <br>
I knew it before I learned to play the part. <br>
Do you even know you're falling apart? <br>
Come swing by me.  Take a part of my heart <br>
and rearrange it in the crucible of your soul. <br>
Melt it into your little moves <br>
to bring me closer.  Hold my hand <br>
deeper underwater until I am unafraid.<p>

I know how long you'll stay- <br>
until I suggest an obstacle in the way. <br>
My habits haven't gone away. <br>
I wouldn't warn you if I had a choice, <br>
if I did know of any other way. <br>
I love you today, and tomorrow <br>
it'll grow into something to tear apart. <br>
I'll cry without you.  I'll die without you. <br>
Maybe then I'll have to words to say it. <br>
Then I will deserve this pain. <br>
012401, #685<p>

<b>nothingness</b> <br>
He appeared after two years of nothingness<br>
in my words, my sacred words that have revealed the truth<br>
twenty-two times over,<br>
twenty-two too many times. <br>
I believed “something good” was happening. <br>
Did I really conceive that? <br>
Was his being in my life worth a song? <br>
Did I understand too well the lines<br>
In between? <br>
I was in between love and love<br>
Forever.  I was doing something<br>
for the faith I had in him<br>
two years earlier<br>
only to be crushed again. <br>
Yes, I knew it from the start; <br>
Maybe I wanted something to splinter this heart<br>
that had been healing for two--<br>
And two people were brought together again<br>
in a summer dream.  Too hot for comfort. <br>
“I’m sad he’s gone,” but no answer would could from<br>
absence. <br>
Then September rain: cool and dead<br>
like the memories, that part of me<br>
I tried to destroy by drowning in regret. <br>
Why wasn’t I to be she?  Why couldn’t I lie on his bed<br>
And know something beautiful was going to happen? <br>
Why couldn’t I rely on my words to save me anymore? <br>
So I died that night, <br>
Took a two-and-two break away<br>
to let him discover himself in another way. <br>
Sadness in the messages he left the next days. <br>
I stopped by—started around the circle again, <br>
happy for once. <br>
But something would have to tear us apart—<br>
Fire in the heart, taking us back to where we started. <br>
Floodgates open.  Kisses from every source he ever knew. <br>
I was ready to fade away once more, <br>
but he kept me close.  I couldn’t have asked for more<br>
during these treacherous months <br>
of finally discovering myself during inclement weather. <br>
And now here we are, staring at the ultimate purpose, <br>
apparently, and we don’t know when it’s going to happen, <br>
when everything and everyone will be complete. <br>
But we promised to meet up again and find out. <br>
Never again can we say there was nothingness, <br>
not if we have been waiting for this.	123000<p>
<b>Five-Pointed Stars</b> <br>
I took the chance<br>
to believe burning<br>
couldn't affect the one I knew so well. <br>
Well, the devil's root<br>
pierces once again. <br>
A good discovery<br>
turns all others scared<br>
for until and then. <p>
Unknown within, <br>
the treasures to get to him. <br>
Set ablaze, <br>
never like before<br>
in danger. <br>
And then I'm scared again. <br>
Water works<br>
to drizzle the flame. <br>
Whatever works<br>
to have nothing change.<p>
The fame!  The glory! <br>
I heard every version of his story<br>
as he rolled his eyes. <br>
He sees nothing wrong. <br>
He has more followers--<br>
but nothing's wrong. <br>
I see how low I can hit the ground<br>
and nothing's wrong. <br>
He says, <br>
and I believe, <br>
and fall harder<br>
once I have achieved--<p>
I was thrust into knowing. <br>
I was quickly seeing<br>
in disbelief, <br>
five-pointed stars<br>
shooting silver shiny sparklers. <br>
Fuckers, all lined up one-by-one<br>
to watch<br>
--shield my ears--<br>
but watch<br>
as nothing more <br>
can ever be achieved. <p>
I take leave<br>
and told him to expect it too. <br>
Beauty only remains <br>
as we turn around again. <p>
Fire burning, <br>
it was our last chance. <br>
112400<p>

<b>Flame Thrower</b> <br>
Just as I was falling asleep<br>
forever<br>
he comes flaming by<br>
almost unnoticed<br>
but famous, still<br>
and by the view<br>
I knew nothing<br>
could stay the same. <br>
He denies me, <br>
and I deny the pain<br>
I see in his scars<br>
or all the sparkles in my stars<br>
Hope... <br>
showering down over me<br>
but wrongly soaking. <br>
And what is he, blowing by<br>
and still something's gone. <br>
We are not alone here<br>
by the stone<br>
used to crash and clatter<br>
the sky above. <br>
Forever<br>
I am dying alone<br>
by his flame.		112400<p>

<b>Why</b><br>
Did you ever feel that your eyes gave you away? <br>
Did your laugh ever show me more <br>
insecurity than you wanted<br>
anyone to ever know? <br>
Did you brush by his arm<br>
just to touch his flaming skin? <br>
Did you know more than you ever wanted, <br>
twenty times over your fill? <br>
I will tell you what<br>
can't help you more<br>
by being obvious: <br>
everyone feels the same.<p>
So with that said, <br>
why didn't I see the same in his eyes? <br>
Why couldn't I decipher the fear in his laugh? <br>
Why didn't I feel his skin burning beside mine? <br>
Why doesn't he know I sit here<br>
taking everyone one of his breaths<br>
and saving it for me soul to use<br>
when he's no longer around? <br>
Why is equality also so uneven? <br>
Why do we want what we cannot have? <br>
Why do you ask why?<p>
And he says, "Why not?"	112400<p>

<b>Enjoy the Moment</b><br>
We finally lie<br>
face to face<br>
on his swimming sheets<br>
where he sleeps every night<br>
And now I'm here, <br>
invited over the pillow<br>
to take a dive into his dreams<br>
He closes his eyes<br>
and hides all but his lashes<br>
that quiver: he is hardly asleep<br>
And I move closer<br>
"See me, <br>
take me," my open eyes say, <br>
but he cannot see me<br>
and takes me away, anyway<br>
The desperate soul begins to sway asleep<br>
his way; cover the truth, <br>
but enjoy the moment. <br>
When he opens his eyes, <br>
everything will be the same again. <br>
112400<p>

<b>Red Eye</b> <br>
He has such friendly eyes, <br>
the kind that sneak their way<br>
into her hot, burning soul. <br>
They go unnoticed, at first, as they search<br>
for clues, a deeper way<br>
into her mind and faith. <br>
They are the home of <br>
experience, shame, and hope<br>
to find a pair of eyes as desperate<br>
to find understanding.<p>

And as he soul-searches<br>
she quivers. <br>
(Can you even remember their color?) <br>
Should you let him in, <br>
take down the cover<br>
she took down to the river to mend? <br>
Should she surprise him from the back, <br>
tape, and lead him in? <br>
Is she scared of what she might find<br>
(crystal balls, they show a future...)? <br>
And is she even listening as he screens?<p>

She heard him<br>
as he listened<br>
to her speak, <br>
and he said<br>
everything on her mind. <br>
Too late.  He's already in. <br>
Now where to go from here?<p>

He takes one step closer<br>
and recoils in embarrassment<br>
when he cannot guess her direction. <br>
The laugh distracts her for a second<br>
as he comes closer to the fire. <br>
Warmth. <br>
As he feels deeper, <br>
she's almost there--<br>
unexplainable truths. <br>
She felt the same <br>
between the unknown. <br>
The haze blankets their uncertainty. <br>
Red rushes all around.<p>

Different looks. <br>
Some other sort of miracle. <br>
Now comes from his eyes something unfamiliar. <br>
She refuses to refuse. <br>
He needs to need. <br>
This far in, he's too late. <br>
Now how to get there? <br>
111900<p>


<b>"What a horrible crystal ball!"</b> <br>
I see it how it is.<br>
I am what I see,<br>
and all the other words<br>
will make up a memory<br>
and take me to somewhere where free<br>
men won't abuse a girl<br>
like me.<p>
Honesty won't kill our chances.<br>
I won't be fearful of the crystal ball<br>
and his subliminal messages<br>
in his voice, over the phone,<br>
and somehow, I'm feeling more alone<br>
than I have ever been<br>
inside myself.  I subside.<p>
And I died on that lawnchair for you.<br>
I'll never take it to where I will prove<br>
anything more to you<br>
except for your scent.<br>
Man, I knew what you meant<br>
as you carried a long way<br>
all your worries, all your children along<br>
with all your prey.  <br>
Funny how we always end up this way.<p>
Silence.<br>
Wondering what it's all supposed to mean.<br>
I took the dramamine <br>
and faded to sleep,<br>
only to wake up<br>
and find this reality far from a dream.<p>
I look deeper<br>
and recoil.  Can't take it,<br>
and I will boil <br>
away to find the red within this gray<br>
and some day,<br>
I'll see you<br>
and your gameface<br>
in a better place. <br>
Far from what I know as me;<br>
I'll be in safety.<br>
111700<p>
<b>#668</b><br>
i never thought it would come to this:<br>a wish come true<br>before the penny tossed.<br>a hope for more<br>though nothing is lost.<br>or should i hope for less<br>as i imagine the best?<br>the currents keep blwoing,<br>and now he's more than showing<br>me a way to live.<br>this is a way to be:<br>to be challenged at every breath.<br>to feel exhausted<br>but strangely satisfied.<br>i see it all in his eyes,<br>but i refuse to believe<br>this is the way to be.<br>this is the only way to me. 092400<p>

<b>#667</b> <br>
Traffic lights scatter across the rims of his glasses<br>
as shadows dive into puddles on the sidewalk.<br>
Red to green.<br>I'm ready to go,<br>but he hesitates.<br>The speed was too fast<br>to catch his flickering heart,<br>his fleeting devotion<br>to another woman.<br>I run anyway.<br>I don't even check behind for an answer.<br>(I'd die anyway).<br>My mind changes<br>as fast as the hazard lights.<br>I forget for the moment,<br>but I'm reimbersed by the muse<br>in the window<br>behind the curtain,<br>guiding my life.<br>I turn around to check for certain.<br>But then he turns away.<br>Green to red.<br>I turn back to face ahead.<br>There's not other way. 091400<!--EndFreetext-->
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