The Internet on Gas

May 21, 2000

TORONTO (AP) - Internet users now have an even faster method of getting on the Internet, using a pipeline that's allegedly faster than traditional phone lines, satellite, cable, ISDN, and DSL combined.

Carl Hampshire, a spokesman for Union Internet, announced yesterday that the newly formed company, a spin-off corporation from the open marketization of natural gas services, will be getting involved in the home Internet provider business as soon as next month.

"It's an exciting time for high-speed access, and Union is glad to announce that we'll be joining the market," announced Hampshire yesterday.

"What sets us apart from other methods of high speed Internet service is the size of our pipeline.  ISDN is no larger than a phone line, yet it can cost thousands of dollars for a home user to have installed.  Our pipelines are already pumped into almost every home in North America, and they are comparatively massive!"

The new innovation uses existing natural gas lines to pump data at rates of over 500MB/sec.  The data is modulated using a new gas-powered modem, recently invented by a team of developers from Lennox and Nortel Networks.

"These modems are extremely high efficient and, unlike beta versions, don't even require that a chimney be built on to the computer," boasted Hampshire at yesterday's press conference.  "They simply require that the computer have a ventilation pipe installed out the side of the user's home, connected to a tiny fan on the back of your computer." 

This exciting new development is perfect for those who haven't been able to receive high-speed Internet access before, such as those in rural areas and the few unfortunate souls who the cable companies and telcos have neglected to service.

Unlimited access will cost users approximately $40 per month extra on their gas bill.  Potential users with electric or oil heating are also encouraged to sign up, with most gas providers throwing in a furnace at no markup from their supply costs.

Users interested in this new service should contact their local natural gas supplier or call 1-800-GAS-ME-UP to order.

OOPS!  We goofed...our apologies to Rudy Giuliani for this incorrect photo placement!

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