Here are 3 sketches and a monologue that I've written. I'll try to get some more here as soon as...well...I write another one, I guess. If you have a sketch ya want me to put here mail me. Well, ENJOY!
Sketches
Even More Amazing Things You Can Do With Duct Tape!
Characters
Dave
Lynette
Harry
Katherine
Friend
(Dave and Lynette walk into a restaurant)
D: …so then I said, "I don't even own an elephant!"
L: (under breath) Ugggghhhh…
(They sit down at a table)
L: Dave, I think we need to talk about our re…lationhi… Dave,
what's
wrong?
D: It's just…Harry…he's dead.
L: Really? What happened?
D: Well, it all started when Harry and Katherine were talking…
(At same restaurant, H and K are talking)
K: Harry, it's just…I think we've grown apart.
H: …grown apart…okay, I can handle that.
K: I'm glad you could handle this maturely.
(Same restaurant, K and friend talking)
K: I think he'll get over it.
(Cut to H staring at wall, at home, in his underwear. All the lights
are off. He turns his head and sees a bag of chips; he grabs the
chips, starts eating them and continues staring at the wall.)
(Later, empty bags of snack foods on floor. He throws another bag
down and reaches for another one but there aren't any left.)
(Cut to him at grocery store in a robe and slippers, K walks up.)
K: Hey Harry, how ya doin'?
H: Oh…I'm fine. (Puts on fake smile)
K: Are you sure you're ok?
H: Oh yea…I'm perfect. I've been keeping myself…busy.
K: Ok…
(K walks off. H grabs an assortment of snack foods and heads towards
the register)
(Cut to K and friend)
K: Oh, I saw H at the (in cheesy infomercial voice) Food Mart, your
local provider of the finest fruits and vegetables!
F: (reg. Voice) Oh, so how's he doing?
K: (reg. Voice) Well, he said he was all right, but he looked like
he'd gained a couple pounds.
(Cut to H at house. He looks like he's gained 20-30 pounds. Floor
is
covered in empty snack bags. H forces himself to eat one more. He
then looks at his stomach, which makes a funny sound. He looks
straight a the camera with a scared look on his face.)
(Cut to D and L)
D: And boom! He exploded…the pain of being alone made his mind
snap!
Followed by his stomach…
L: That's horrible, absolutely horrible!
D: Yea…
L: No, I meant how desperate you are! You just made up that story to
scare me and keep me from breaking up with you.
D: Wha?
L: Like I was saying, we need to talk about our re
lationship…I've met
someone else.
(H walks up next to L)
L: Dave, I believe you know Harry.
D: But I thought you…exploded…
(H pulls up shirt to reveal a strip of duct tape)
H: I did.
(K looks confused and it fades out)
5 Second Rule
(a building with the words “J and T Fertilizer” written on it.)
(cut to a door with “Research” written on it)
(a scientist is looking at some fertilizer under a microscope. There is a box of cookies at the right of him. As he goes to pick one up he accidentally drops it into some fertilizer. For a moment, he just stares at it)
Scientist: Ahhhh…5 second rule.
(He picks up the cookie, eats it, and continues with his work)
Annoying Bird
(Morning. A man walks outside his house and yawns. He is surrounded in trees and starts to view the wildlife. There are several birds making their various calls, each on special in its own way. Suddenly, there’s a high pitched squall, almost like a modem dialing up. The man turns his head violently to look at the bird making the horrid sound. He makes a face, covers his ears and runs inside.)
Man: Honey, there’s a bird outside making the most horrible sound I’ve ever heard.
Wife: well, I’m sure it’ll go away sometime.
Man: Yea, I suppose so…Now where’s my dinner?!
(Morning again, the man proceeds to do the same routine and yet again there’s the bird making the horrible sound. Once again, he runs inside covering his ears)
Man: It’s there again…
Wife: What’s there?
Man: The bird, that horrid bird…
Wife: I’m sure it’s nothing to fret about, it can’t be that bad.
Man: Well it is that bad! (pause) Well, you’re right, I suppose work at the ice cream taste testing plant just got me stressed.
Wife: It’ll be fine.
(That night, the 2 settle into bed. The wife is reading a book but the man looks irritated at her so she turns off the light. A few moments later, after his wife is asleep, he hears the squawk again. He opens his eyes and just stares straight forward until the room slowly lights up, signifying a new day. His eyes are completely bloodshot and he has large black wells under his eyes. He looks over at his wife who has a pleasant smile on his face. His wife wakes up.)
Wife: I just had the most wonderful dream…
Man: Shut up…
Wife: What?
Man: SHUT UP! The man looks around the room, paranoid
Wife: Jesus Louisus honey! Did that bird keep you up all night?
Man: NO! I…slept…fine…that bird could never get the best of me…NEVER!
Wife: Whoa…calm down…this is more serious then I thought…just take some slllloooowww breaths…
(Man starts inhaling and exhaling asthmatically. The wife reaches under the covers and grabs the man by the balls and he takes a sudden breath in.)
Wife: Better?
Man: (in high-pitched voice) Mmmhmmm.
Wife: There ya go…
Man: (Still in high-pitched voice)Thanks…
(Cuts to man at a pawnshop. There’s a man behind the counter)
Man: Give me the best ya got.
Man behind counter: I’ll give it to ya, but tha ladies cost 50 bucks per hour.
Man: NO! Not that, I wanna a piece, a gun, I want the best.
Man behind counter: Oh…well I’ve got this here glock (points to small pistol)
Man: No, I want the biggest, the baddest, the most accurate…NOW!
Man behind counter: Well, it’s to sell these, but I think I can uhhh… “trade” it to ya for some money.
(Man behind counter pushes a button and a picture frame behind him spins to reveal a rack of machine guns on the other side.)
Man: I’ll take…(waves his finger around till it points to the biggest one on the rack) that one.
Man behind counter: Okie dokes…(takes the gun off the wall) that’s about 10,000 clams.
Man: 10,000! All right 10,000 bucks for my life back…
(cut to him at his house glancing at the gun and an instruction manual entitled “How to Annihilate…Well Anything”. Wife walks in.)
Wife: HOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLYYY CRAP!! What the hell is that?
Man: My new best friend, and I’d like it if you’d call her Gina.
Wife: And what do you plan on doing with…
Man: Gina
Wife: Well what?
Man: I plan of getting rid of that damn bird once and for all!
Wife: Isn’t that crossing the line?!
Man: That bird crossed the line a long time before I did.
Wife: Well, I don’t wanna have anything to do with it…
Man: Well you don’t have to…
(Cut to man outside, with the gun in his hands and two pillows strapped to his head to block out the sound of the bird, and the gun for that matter. He raises the gun to shoot the bird. He pulls the trigger and as soon as the bullet hits the bird, it ricochets off and hits him right between the eyes.)
Man: Ow.
(The man plops over and the wife comes outside with a remote control and presses a few buttons till the sound of the bird is off and it has flown over sits on her shoulder)
Wife: Finally, he’s dead…men are so predictable…
(She knocks the bird with her fist twice, which makes a mechanical sound)
Spaghetti
Ya know what pisses me off? Ya know what makes me mad? Ya know what really leaves my cheese out in the wind?! People who cut up their spaghetti before eating it. Whenever im at an Italian restaurant and I see someone mutilating that poor pasta, tears come to my eyes. Well, I don’t get that emotional, but it does make me angry. It takes the fun out of spaghetti all together. The best part of spaghetti is slurping it up as noodles swing up and hit you in the face, leaving lines of tomato sauce all over your visage. To me, cutting up spaghetti is like covering yourself in Reynolds Wrap before going nude mud wrestling. Or, making Iggy Pop sing “It’s Not Unusual.” So, anyway, here’s what I say: have fun with life…and spaghetti.
True Love
(in a restaurant. A Dan and Jane are sitting across from eachother.)
JANE
(urgently) I love you.
DAN
(urgently) I love you too. I love everything about you…
JANE
I love your face
DAN
I love your toes
JANE
I love the curve of your ear lobe
DAN
I love your fingernails
JANE
I love your touch, your mouth, your nose, your smile, your laugh
DAN
I love your luminous brown hair, your green eyes, your strong thighs, your mighty embrace….
JANE
Brown?
DAN
(Interrupting Jane) I love your rugged physique, your animal like chest hair, and your infatuation with football.
JANE
What are you talking about? I’m not the person your describing.
DAN
Really?
JANE
Yes. You know I hate it when you and your friend Stephen sit around and watch football all day…and my hair isn’t quite brown now is it?
DAN
Oh, I guess your right...never mind. I guess I don’t love you
(Dan gets up and walks away)
JANE
What? Where are you going?
DAN
I just saw Stephen sit down across the restaurant…and boy is he looking ravishing…
