Holy excitement! Here I present a page filled with quotes. Whenever I think of something truly great, it'll be added! Please note that this page is ordered with the quotes getting better as you go down, hopefully creating a crescendo of laughs.

Sayaman: "I'm sorry about that night. If I hadn't fallen asleep while driving for that exact 20 minutes. If I hadn't drank that exact whole bottle of Jägermeister. If only I hadn't killed that hooker."
Tom: "Sayaman. I don't see what any of this has to do with Annie?"
Sayaman: "I'm sorry. Those were other nights. But if it had been that night, I might have missed her."

Father Dougal: "Well, Ted, as I said last time, it won't happen again."

Batman: "Slake your thirst. You'll have worse than a parched sensation when we're through with you!"

Superintendent Chalmers: ""Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion."

Father Ted: "It's fabulous being a priest - think of all that comfort you bring to the sick and dying. They love it, they can't get enough of it!"

Father Ted: "Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!"

Bart: "Hey Dad, heard you swearing... Mind if I join in?!"

President Harris: "Get me the President."
John Wilson: "You are the President."
President Harris: "Good. Then I already know about this. Let's order lunch."

Commissioner Gordon: "Truer words were never spoken."

Homer: "I'm just going out to commit certain deeds."

Doctor Evil: "Why make trillions when we could make... Billions?"

Richie: "How are you alive?"
Eddie: "I may very well not be."

Nurse: "I'm sorry but you'll just have to wait for the doctor to come round."
Frank: "You don't mean... He's unconscious?"

Batman: "If I can just reverse the polarity... Send out waves of super energy."

Richie: "Just because you've never had a bird around the flat."
Eddie: "What about that owl!?"

Moe: "Who'd had thought a whale could be so heavy!?"

Commissioner Gordon: "Penguin, Joker, Riddler, and Catwoman too! The sum of some of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous just to contemplate."

Marge: "Homer, promise me you won't stalk Lenny and Carl!"
Homer: "Okay. I'm going outside to... stalk, Lenny and Carl. Heh heh heh... doh!"

Commissioner Gordon: "That's enough! You know I'm violently opposed to police brutality!"

Homer: "Wow, someone packed light."
Lisa: "Maybe you're getting stronger."
Homer: "Well, I have been eating more!"

George Bush: "Don't understand lemonade myself - not my forte."

Eddie: "Fire at will!"
Richie: "Which one's Will? Do you know these people?"

Ralph: "Me fail English? That's unpossible!"

Batgirl: "I'm afraid I'm still naive enough to believe the impossible can't be done."

Homer: "That's it! You people have held me back long enough! I'm going to clown college!"

Richie: "They were stamping on my face for a full half an hour!! God, it was worse than watching Barrymore!"

Ash: "Well hello Mr Fancy Pants! I got news for you pal. You ain't leading but two things right now: Jack and shit... And Jack left town!"

Richie: "I'll practice my spontaneous face."

Hans Moleman: "I need your biggest seed bell. No, that's too big..."

Tom: "Come here! What did you do with Sue?"
Michael Jackson: "I didn't touch her, I swear!"
Tom: "I don't believe you!"
Michael Jackson: "Please, for God's sake! She's a girl!"

Robin: "Some luck! Landing right on top of a bed of foam rubber!"
Batman: "True Robin, I'd say the odds against it would make even the most reckless gambler cringe. True, I did think I spotted it out of the corner of my eye."

Patty: "Some days we don't let the line move at all. We call those weekdays!"

Robin: "Let's commandeer a taxi!"
Batman: "No Robin, not at this time of day. Luckily we're in tip-top condition. It'll be faster if we run. Let's go!"

Eddie: "Who would have believed it! A lock-in at the Lamb And Flag! Pity it was in the lavatory.

Eddie: "You're on the wrong side!"
Richie: "No I bloody well am not! I just so happened to walk into the ladies by accident that time!"

Robin: "Picked up the seal pulsator yet, Batman?"
Batman: "We're still over land, Robin, and a seal is an aquatic, marine mammal."
Robin: "Gosh, yes, Batman, I forgot."

Robin: "Batman, you risked your life to save the riff raff in that bar?"
Batman: "They may be drinkers, Robin but they're also human beings, and may be salvaged. I had to do it!"

Homer: "A guy like me... Hey! I'm a guy like me!"

Eddie: "Sleeping bags?! What's this all about? The last thing I remember is ordering two pints of mild!"

Richie: "Hob Nob?"
Eddie: "No, I've got an ordinary one like everyone else!"

Homer: "Oh, I hate folding sheets!"
Marge: "That's not a sheet, that's your underwear!"

Comic Book Guy: "Now make like my pants and split!"

Homer: "I feel like a kid in some kind of store."

Batman: "Yes, Dick, your bird calls are close to perfect. If more people practiced them, someday we might have a chance for real communication with our feathered friends."

Eddie: "That's a bit steep isn't it?"
Richie: "Steep!? It's effing vertical!"

Judge Schneider: "Mr Hutz, do you realise you're not wearing any pants?"

Homer: "Aw Dad. You've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless!"

Baldrick: "But I've been in your service since I was two & a half!"
Blackadder: "Well, that must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you!"

Blackadder: "I thought it was common maritime practise to have a crew."
Redbeard Rum: "Well, opinion on the matter is divided m'Lord. All the other captains say it is. I say it isn't!"

Robin: "You can't get away from Batman that easy!"
Batman: "Easily."
Robin: "Easily."
Batman: "Good grammar is essential, Robin."
Robin: "Thank you."
Batman: "You're welcome."

Homer: "Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs."

Comic Book Guy: "Oh, a sarcasm detector. Oh, that's a really useful invention!"

Homer: "What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway."

Homer: "Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk."

Homer: "And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker."

Dr. Nick: "Inflammable means flammable? What a country."

Nelson: "Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark."

Nicholas Angel: "It's Frank! He's appointed himself Judge, Jury and Executioner."
Danny Butterman: [agitated and defensive] "He is not Judge Judy and Executioner!"

Gary Johnston: "OK, a limousine that can fly. Now I have seen everything."
Spottswoode: "Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?"
Gary Johnston: "No."
Spottswoode: "So then, you haven't seen everything."

Robin: "Do you think she'll kill Batgirl?"
Batman: "Or worse, Robin. Or worse."

Krusty The Clown: "And now, in the spirit of the season, start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold."

Robin: "And if the Riddler tries to make good on his filthy threat?"
Batman: "I'll bash him brutally."

Chief Wiggum: "Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!"

Dutch Gunderson: "Who are you and how did you get in here?"
Frank Drebin: "I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith."

Spottswoode: "From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100."
Gary: "9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's..."
Spottswoode: "Yes, 91,100."
Chris: "Basically, all the worst parts of the Bible."

Robin: "That's an impossible shot, Batman."
Batman: "That's a negative attitude, Robin."

Father Ted: "It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours."
Father Dougal: "God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!"
Father Ted: "No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism."

Robin: "Gosh, Batman. The nobility of the almost-human porpoise."
Batman: "True, Robin. It was noble of that animal to hurl himself into the path of that final torpedo. He gave his life for ours."

Batman: "There's an eclipse of the sun due."
Robin: "But that's only for half a minute!"
Batman: "That's all we'll need, if my calculus is correct..."

Robin: "If we close our eyes, we can't see anything."
Batman: "A sound observation, Robin."

Mr Burns: "Look at them Smithers. Enjoying their embezzlement."
Mr Smithers: "I have a much uglier word for it sir - MISAPPROPRIATION!"

Marge: "Oh Homer, you're not going as a hobo again!?"
Homer: "Going where?"

Bart: "And I'll take up smoking and give that up."
Homer: "Good job son, giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Have a dollar."
Lisa: "But he didn't even do anything!"
Homer: "Didn't he Lisa? Didn't he?"

Marge: "The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday."
Homer: "Woo hoo! Four day weekend!"

Styles: "Whatcha reading Topper?"
Topper: "Great Expectations."
Styles: "Any good?"
Topper: "Ah, it's not all I hoped for."

Lisa: "Mum! Bart's Dead!"
Bart: "That's right - dead serious about going to Itchy And Scratchy Land!"

Richie: "How did you get this drunk on £1.75?
Eddie: "There's a sale on at the chemist. Old Spice - 25p a bottle!"

Richie: "Eddie, I know you're trying to put a brave face on this, but don't you think that particular one was a smidgen too fucking brave?!"

Marge: "Homer, that's your solution to everything: to move under the sea. It's not going to happen!"
Homer: "Not with THAT attitude!"

Homer: "Hello, my name is Mr Burns. I believe you have a letter for me."
Postman: "OK Mr Burns, what's your first name?"
Homer: "I... don't know."

Robin: "I bet Batman is the only one in the world with a hand steady enough to paint false fingerprints!"

Kim Jong Il: "It will be 911 times 2356."
Chris: "My God, that's... I don't even know what that is!"
Kim Jong Il: "Nobody does!"

Crowd: "We need a cure! We need a cure!"
Doctor Hibbert: "Ho ho ho. Why the only cure is bed rest. Anything I give you would be a placebo."
Woman: "Where can we get these placebos!?"
Man: "Maybe there's some in this truck!"

Father Dougal: "I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!"
Father Ted: "And how are we going to do that?"
Father Dougal: "We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and... oh."
Father Ted: "Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all."
Father Dougal: "Damn. So near, yet so far."

Chief Wiggum: "I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn."

Spottswoode: "Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America"."
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E: [pause] "Yes, there is."

Cartman: "Well I looked in my moms' closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an Ultravibe Pleasure 2000."

Terrance: "I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that you're perfectly healthy. The bad news is that you have cancer."

Dick (working on a jigsaw puzzle): "It's so much harder with the pieces upside down."
Bruce: "Of course. Think of what excellent training it is for your visual memory."
Dick: "Gosh yes, I guess that's true."

Homer: "Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?"
Lisa: "No."
Homer: "Ham?"
Lisa: "No."
Homer: "Pork chops?"
Lisa: "Dad, those all come from the same animal."
Homer: "Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal."

Lionel Hutz: "Uh oh, we've drawn Judge Schneider."
Marge: "Is that bad?"
Lionel Hutz: "Well, he's kinda had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog."
Marge: "You did?"
Lionel Hutz: "Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly' and the word 'dog' with 'son'."

Grandpa Simpson: "I used to be with it. But then they changed what it was!"

Grandpa Simpson: "I have a very interesting story about that. Actually, it's not so much interesting as it is long."

Random heckling guy: "Hey fatty! I've got a movie for ya - a fridge too far!"

Grandpa Simpson: "Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot."

Chief Wiggum: "They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day."

Lenny: "I can't believe I'm spending my Saturday picking up garbage. I mean, half these bottles aren't even mine!"

Marge: "Kids can be so cruel."
Bart: "We can? Thanks mom!"

Eddie: "So, ah, what did you do then?"
Veteran: "Well I'd rather not talk about it."
Eddie: "Why? Is it embarrassing? Shit your pants did you? Cry did you, eh?
Veteran: "Quite the opposite actually."
Eddie: "What, you sucked water in through your eyes?!"

Robin: "Where'd you get a live fish, Batman?"
Batman: "The true crime fighter always carries everything he needs in his utility belt, Robin."

Lisa: "But if you're the police, then who will police the police?!"
Homer: "I dunno... coast guard?"

Mrs Doyle: "And speaking of cake, I have cake!"
Father Ted: "No, thanks, Mrs Doyle."
Mrs Doyle: "Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!"
Father Ted: "WHAT?"
Mrs Doyle: "Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins!"

Troy McClure: "Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!"

Robin: "Gosh, Batman, is there anything you don't know?"
Batman: "Oh yes, Robin. Several things in fact."

Father Dougal: "America, eh? We were just talking about that fella Kurt Cobain. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shotgun. How'd he manage to survive that?"
Father Ted: "He didn't, Dougal... he died."
Father Dougal: "Oh... right."

Frank Grimes: "God, he eats like a pig!"
Lenny: "I dunno... Pigs tend to chew... I'd say he eats more like a duck!"

Ralph: "Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me."

Father Ted: "Come on, Dougal, switch the television off. Chewing gum for the eyes!"
Father Dougal: "No thanks, Ted!"

Deprogrammer: "My greatest achievement was getting Paul McCartney out of Wings."
Homer: "YOU IDIOT! He was the most talented one!"

Bart: "If you really wanted us to be neater, you'd serve us out of one long bowl."
Marge: "You're talking about a trough! We're not going to eat from a trough!"

Batman: "Get ready with super-blinding bat pellets."