| Paramount Pictures - Brad Grey Pictures - Ruddy Morgan Productions - SKA Films, 2001 | Runtime: 98 minutes | Rated R |
| Starring Vinnie Jones, Peter Kelly, Vas Blackwood, David Hemmings, Stephen Walters, Jason Statham, John Forgeham, Ralph Brown, Danny Dyer | ||
| Written by Charlie Fletcher, Chris Baker, and Andrew Day. Based on the film "The Longest Yard," written by Tracey Keenan Wynn | Directed by Barry Skolnick | |
"Mean Machine" is a British soccer (which is known as "football" over there, anyway) remake of "The Longest Yard" (1974), the great American football movie. The similarities are undoubtable throughout the film, with its prison setting and football game featuring the prisoners versus the guards. However, "Mean Machine" sets out to mix it up a bit with an English locale, oddball characters, an uncompromisingly witty screenplay, and agressive direction.
The film starts with Danny Meehan (Vinnie Jones), a superstar footballer who is thrown in prison for beating up a couple of cops (it's soon learned that Meehan lost his career when he threw an important match some years before). There he is forced by the guards to coach the prison football team. One of the first friends he makes--who later becomes the team's manager--is Massive (Vas Blackwood). Mass suggests to Danny the idea of a football match wherein the cons would play against the guards.
Danny pitches Massive's idea the gambling-crazy Governor (David Hemmings), a man with the most frightening eyebrows I've ever seen. The Governor agrees to let the game happen, and also to allow Danny to choose his own men.
This inspires the presence of some interesting characters. Among the most notable are Billy (Danny Dyer), a very timid and comparatively small team member (When Billy is kicked by a guard during the game, an announcer notes that it's "just like kicking a puppy dog"); Monk (Jason Statham) the team's ferocious goal tender who is said to have killed 23 men with his bare hands (and that was before he took up karate); and Nitro (Stephen Walters) a spitting convict who is so bitter about not being part if the team that he attempts to kill Danny.
The game is somewhat predictable, but made very enjoyable by the dry comedy brought to us by the announcers of the game, Bob and Bob (Jake Abraham and Jeff Innocent). These two give an accurate account of the game, while interjecting witty and/or silly comments about what they're seeing. Some of my favorite moments include the Bobs reciting nicknames when players are hit in their family jewels and Bob taking Bob's advice literally (you'll see what I mean). There are also corny jokes made funnier when one Bob asks the other, "D'ya get it?"
While watching "Mean Machine," I found it hard to believe that it wasn't directed by its supervising producer Guy Ritchie, and found it harder to figure out why he didn't. Ritchie was made famous by 1998's exceptional "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels," and even more popular by 2000's "Snatch." With its use of fast and slow motion among other things, "Mean Machine" looks and feels like a Guy Ritchie film, not to mention having unusually-named characters (past Ritchie films have included characters named Soap, Bacon, Turkish, Mullet, and Franky Four Fingers, among other things).
"Mean Machine" made less than $100,000 at the box office due to its limited release and is already available on video, where I saw it. As I am writing this review, "Mr. Deeds," the latest Adam Sandler vehicle, has made $37.6 million. I liked "Mean Machine" a lot, as well as Ritchie's work. I want to see more movies like "Mean Machine," and I want to see less movies like "Mr. Deeds." I would advise anyone reading this article to see "Mean Machine," then see "Mr. Deeds" and try telling me we're giving the money to the right people.
On second thought, don't see "Mr. Deeds." Just see "Mean Machine."
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