A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
by Thomas Edison
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
by Benjamin Franklin
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
by Ben Franklin
People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tommorow.
by Homer Simpson
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
by Dick Cavett
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad
by Christopher Case
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
by Rita Rudner
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners
by Jeff Stilson
You never know how fluffy a poodle is until you step on it.
by Gargolito
If you sneeze holding your eyelids open, your eyes will pop out.
by kate adkinson
So, you hate your job? Join our support group-it's called EVERYBODY! They meet at the bar.
by Drew Carey
It is foolish to tear one's hair in grief, as though sorrow would be made less by baldness.
by Cicero
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
by Steve Martin
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
by Lily Tomlin
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
... Homer Simpson
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die.
When Renoir spoke of light and dark, he meant the translucent images that pattern themselves into night and day and good and evil. When I speak of light and dark, I mean toast.
If at first you don't succeed; skydiving is not for you.
by Unknown
I have no money, I have no job, I have no car, but at least im in a band.. by Caleb
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't the zipper on your pants supposed to be in the front?
