Interview with Scott the Drummer

The Interview The Squareheads Don't Want You to See

Interviewer - Welcome Scott.

Scott - Hi.

I - So Scott how are you doing?

S - Fine. Listen can we do this interview in under an hour? I have an orchestra meeting at 5, a potential date at 6, a fiddle competition at 8, and Squareheads practice at 9, and then after practice there'll be a party at Anthony's, and I'll probably get home around 12ish and after doing some quick chords on my guitar and piano I'll finally be able to sleep.

I - Wow. That's a huge schedule.

S - I know!

I - So tell me Scott what's it like being a Squarehead?

S - I'm going to tell it like it is. I'm not going to give you any fake stuff like the rest of the band does. I'm going to tell you everything the band doesn't want anyone to know. So what's it like being a Squarehead? Horrible. Miserable. I hate it. I sometimes wish I hadn't been forced to join the band.

I - Why were you forced to join the band?

S - Because. The Squareheads are a conspiracy. We had never met before. We were formed by some old crazy business man. Daniel and Jan never hung out together. We were formed to start a new trend in music. As soon as we stop making money we'll be fired and be nothings again. I was literally kidnapped and told to join or else I'd be killed. So what was I to do? 

I - Can you get in trouble for saying this?

S - I don't care anymore. My girlfriend left me. 

I - I'm sorry to here that. So all the band history is fake?

S - Yup. That's why Brian is in hiding. He leaked out a bunch of these secrets and they framed him for a bunch of crimes as pay back. I think he's in Montreal...

I - Ok. So while your in the truth telling mood what's Anthony really like? Is he really all umm how shall we say it...

S - Psycho?

I - Ok. Is Anthony really that psycho?

S - Nah. It's an act. He's sort of like a bad guy wrestler in wrestling.

I - How so?

S - He beats people up but he's really cowardly. He's all show and no actuality. He beats random people up but he usually hits them when their backs are turned or can't fight back. That's why he's always hurting Daniel. Daniel's so feeble and can't protect himself.

I - I see. 

S - Daniel always tries to play innocent too, but really that guy has problems. He's 20 and has at least four kids. And they're all from different moms. And, he claims to have his own house yet he's always at Anthony's? Like this one time me and Anthony went out for drinks and went back to his place after and Daniel was there sleeping on the couch with his girlfriend and his kids were sleeping on the floor and Anthony went over to him, threw his sock at him, and told him to get lost, but all Daniel did was move his brood down to the basement. 

I - That's hilarious!

S - I guess. Then there's Jan. Everyone thinks Jan's all cool because he plays guitar, has an apartment, can't speak English, and has about seven girlfriends. But once again it's all show. He can play guitar somewhat but usually he just pretends to play to a cd. And his apartment or "party pad" is just some smelly old welfare place with a green carpet from the 70s, stained wallpaper, stains on the ceiling, visible pipes, and it smells like rotten ham mixed with bird seed or something. And another thing, Jan can speak perfect English. He just puts on this dumb act to impress girls. As for his girlfriends, they're nonexistent. He really just sits around on computer chat rooms and claims he's in bands like Kiss and Marilyn Manson. He's really just a big geek, more so than Daniel. 

I - I never knew that!

S - Most people don't. 

I - I know I'm kind of reversing the topics here but what was it like meeting the Squareheads for the first time since you'd never met them before?

S - It was really weird and pretty creepy. After I signed their contract they gave me a drum set, told me to learn drums and then they told me I'd be playing a show with them in a week. And I was just kind of in shock you know. On the night of our first show a van pulls up to my house and this guy gets out and tells me to get in the back, which I did of course. So we drive to this really old, dumpy looking house and the van stops and the guy tells me to get out and go in the house, which I did. Now as soon as you walk into this place you think there'll be like a hallway or something but the whole inside is just gutted right out and there's garbage everywhere. Broken beer bottles, empty vodka bottles, and some old couches that looked like they should have been thrown out nine years ago. The guy who signed me up was waiting there and told me to go downstairs. Now I was literally so freaked out by now that I could barely move. So I go downstairs expecting the basement to look even more dumpier but it was really nice. It was like a studio almost. I was then introduced to the rest of the band and since I was new in Winnipeg I had never seen them before. Then that guy, our manager, told us to start playing and like slaves we did as we were told. None of us sounded good at all and the band was really down because of all the stuff that had happened to them lately, but the manager just cut the sound to our instruments and put in a tape of the set. Now they were used to this and kept on playing. Finally the manager told us to go to the car. Now I was under the impression that we were to care for our stuff but as soon as we started going upstairs a bunch of roadies came and started packing everything up and caring it outside to the van. I followed the rest of the bunch not really knowing what to do or expect. When we got close to the Albert the van stopped on this little side street and the band started piling out and the roadies started handing out the equipment. I started going with Daniel, who seemed like a great guy, to the show but our manager called me back and told me to wait and go with Anthony. Umm I kind of got off topic.

I - No it's ok. I'm just in shock that the Squareheads are nothing. Like that's so weird. 

S - Yeah. It'll take some getting used to.

I - So whose your favorite guy of the bunch?

S - Jan probably. Why? Daniel has too many issues and really he's so moody. He has that total rock star attitude. Anthony is too strange. He tries to always act so tough and cool but really he's just a wimp who wants to be something he can never be. Sure he gets the girl in the end but is it the right girl? And Jan is so dorky he's cool and he's like me and hates this whole fake band thing. He believes it cuts into his video gaming sessions too much. He made a chart of it once.

I - I'm guessing you don't have in on you.

S - No I actually brought it along. Here: 

I - That's quite impressive. Jan must be a great guy.

S - Yeah. He is. But I really have to be going now.

I - Oh! Ok. Do you have any last comments?

S - Yes. I want everyone to know that the band that does the Squareheads music is Acua Unleashed. So if you claim to be the number one Squareheads fan than you are Acua Unleashed's biggest fan. Thanks for having me. I'll come back some time and reveal more Squareheads stuff.

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