X-MEN: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
FADE IN:
EXT. SNOWY ROAD
PRISONER 676 discovers SAILOR BLOODFIRE
SAILOR BLOODFIRE
I am a mutant too! You should take me under your wing as a pseudo father figure for my dejected self. Perhaps I can develop a crush on you later that makes the tension between us kind of weird.
PRISONER 676
Sure, bub. What's your power?
SAILOR BLOODFIRE
I can pout.
(pouting)
See? I am so alone and rejected from this world. Boo hoo.
Suddenly, CHICHI arrives.
CHICHI
MEOW! Someone forgot to empty my damn litter box! Grrrrr!
She throws PRIS around a bit until KARSH and ROSE DARKNESS show up and blast CHICHI.
PRISONER 676
Who the hell are you?
KARSH
We're from the Fletz, man. I have the ability to do almost anything imaginable in the name of an attractive woman. Otherwise, I am totally useless.
ROSE DARKNESS
I am a master of the past. I did so much for this place in the past. Now I just retire and come out of retirement each week.
KARSH
Join us at Curt's mansion.
INT. ZHUGE LIANG'S MANSION SCHOOL BAR HOTEL LIBRARY PLACE
ZHUGE wheels around, watching gifted children with special powers whose names allude to other board members to come of age in sequels.
SAILOR BLOODFIRE
I am young, take me in! Help!
PRISONER 676
I am a loner, a rebel. I reject the rules of this school. What are your powers, anyway?
ZHUGE LIANG
My mind-reading abilities allow me to carry on a now totally absurd plot that should have been put to rest months ago in a way that doesn't cause people to lose respect for my role-playing abilities. If you stay on the board and help us in our rip-off-inspiring adventures, perhaps one day you will discover the identities of the men behind your experiments.
PRISONER 676
Will my discoveries be anything like revelations in the comic book in which all of the main mutants happen to be related to all of the others in some obscure way that is only revealed when storylines are running dry?
ZHUGE LIANG
Of course, your entire persona is based on a comic book.
INT. SENATE HEARING
HASER
I am a retard! I am very much against vets! Vets should die! Do u want vets in our crappy RPGs? Do you want vets teaching your friends GOOD role-playing habits? The god of all newbies, Stacey, commands that vets are abhorrent! I propose a series of RPGs which will immediately ban the Veteran Pride Parade and blow up the main board, home to many mutants!
FRANKIEBABY
Uh... I don’t get it. Oh well, look at me. I’m so not hot, but if you disagree, I’ll be handing out pictures of myself until 2004
N00BS
Boo! Vets suck! Outlaw vet relationships! ...but Frankie can stay because she’s so hot.
CJAYC
Gosh, newbs and vets are AWFULLY INTOLERANT of one another. Like gay people, which I will never allow you to talk about, I swear!
TJ SHEARS abducts HASER and SAILOR BLOODFIRE and takes them onto a helicopter where CHICHI guards them and shapeshifts.
HASER
Oh my Holy Terra, inventor of “disposable role-playing” and hater of vets! You can shapeshift!!
CHICHI
Yeah. I have a persona for every occasion. Zhuge is popular? I’m his best friend. More people support TJ? Suddenly I act like he’s a god damn martyr.
HASER
Hey, I've been wanting to ask you, did it ever kind of creep you out that GR met Angel in real life and wanted her but couldn’t break it off with you?
CHICHI
(kicking Haser repeatedly)
Fuck you! At least he's not Nate Da Great, who I’ll never be friends with unless he rises back into power!
HASER
Ow! Ow! Ow! I had to go after RP/FF vets, didn't I? I couldn't just attack the lazy bums on the couch, nooooo. I had to attack freaks who practice the art of cyber fighting every damn day.
VOICE OF SANITY
We're here.
TJ SHEARS
Muahaha. I shall first watch Haser try to turn himself into some kind of Sooley wannabe.
He does this.
TJ SHEARS (cont’d)
Then, I will use SAILOR BLOODFIRE to make the board bend over backwards with another social board which will allow me to senselessly offend three times as many people as I am now... Either that or I will kill almost everyone’s chances of ever having fun here, whatever. Long as they all see my face in it.
INT. ZHUGE LIANG'S MANSION SCHOOL
ZHUGE LIANG
We must get DB back. Everyone, go to the statue of liberty to have an anti-climactic battle. Use the high-tech, CGI jet.
Everyone piles into the jet.
ROSE DARKNESS
This is gay! Gay gay gay gay gay. Can’t we go kill time in hangout topics 24/7?
ZHUGE takes the wheel and flies the jet to Ellis Island. On the way, he remembers that he supposedly doesn’t exist anymore and vanishes. The plane crashes into the Statue of Liberty.
They arrive and battle bad guys.
VOICE OF SANITY publicly tongue lashes FRANKIE and tries passing it off as helping her. This pisses off KARSH and EVERY MALE ON THE BOARD a whole lot. ROSE flies up, cape whipping behind her, making a very intimidating entrance.
ROSE DARKNESS
Do you know what happens to a Voice of Sanity when he's struck by lightning?
(pause)
The same thing that happens to everything else!
VOICE OF SANITY
Well, judging by the tone of your voice and the gestures of your cape, you have a longstanding grudge with your fath--
She zaps him into the water. KARSH zaps the VOICE OF SANITY BULLSHIT off of FRANKIE.
CJAYC
Please notice that these vets, rejected by society for being different, are doing battle on the Statue of Liberty. Symbol of equality. This will cost them a boatload of Karma.
PRIS tries to save DB, strapped into an EVIL MACHINE, but TJ uses his powers to stop him.
PRISONER 676
Shoot him, dammit!
KARSH
I can't! I..uh.. have to go to the bathroom.
PRISONER 676
You blasted Voice of Sanity Spit off your platonic girlfriend's face! You have to have some pretty good control of that thing.
KARSH
Um, no, sorry, I can't shoot to help you unless DB has a very attractive sister.
The expanding bubble of mutant-making radiation from the machine is getting closer to the RICH, IMPORTANT PEOPLE. KARSH realizes RICH, IMPORTANT MEN have LOVELY, USLESS WIVES.
KARSH (cont’d)
Okay, now I can shoot him.
He shoots TJ and saves the day in the nick of time! Goody goody...
INT. PLASTIC JAIL CELL
TJ and ZHUGE are playing chess.
TJ SHEARS
Role-playing is civilized and dignified, yet it has an undertone of strong competition and battle, much like our typical social interactions.
ZHUGE LIANG
Astute of you to notice that, my colleague and also arch-nemesis.
TJ SHEARS
You people cannot hold me down, Zhuge.
ZHUGE LIANG
Why would we? It’s our little squabbles that keep my ass famous on this board. You think most people really give a flying fuck about the plot?
CJAYC
Um, quiet. See you tomorrow, everyone! Otherwise, no Karma for you!
END