Fletz Men II: Attack of the Clowns.
The scene opens at the FLETZ. PHANTOMANGEL and KARSH are sparring in the Danger Room. PRISONER 676, ROSE DARKNESS, SAILOR BLOODFIRE, ZHUGE LIANG, NIPALA, and FROGGYGIRL are watching the match. The wings vs. optic blast battle is quite an awesome site. PHANTOM ANGEL is in top fighting form, but KARSH’s performance is only so-so. The match ends before either one can truly claim victory.
ZHUGE LIANG
Very impressive Karsh.
KARSH
Uh... thanks, but Angel was putting forth a much better performance overall, sir.
ROSE DARKNESS
Karsh is fucking fantastic!
FROGGY
He’s the best fighter to ever walk the face of the Earth.
SAILOR BLOODFIRE
YEAH!
PRISONER 676
Apparently, Angel is either from another planet or not a fighter.
ROSE DARKNESS
If you were more popular, I would laugh at that.
GIRLS
KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!!
The GIRLS carry KARSH away on their shoulders. ZHUGE would help, but he is unable to reach such heights from the confines of a wheelchair. FRANKIE runs in.
FRANKIE
Guys, this weird thing in my office came to life and started making weird noises!
ZHUGE
Quickly Fletz Men, to Frankie’s office!!
EVERYBODY runs into Frankie’s office. The room is empty, but a telephone is ringing.
ZHUGE
Where’s the thing?
FRANKIE
There!!!!!
PHANTOM ANGEL
Behind the telephone?
KARSH
It IS the telephone.
KARSH fries the telephone with an optic blast.
GIRLS
WOW! That was amazing! Karsh slayed the monster! KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!! KARSH!!
Seemingly out of the blue, NIPALA becomes depressed. She pouts a lot and runs away. KARSH thinks to himself from on top of the crowd of GIRLS who are chanting his name and celebrating his accomplishments.
KARSH
If NIPALA is not here, then there is nothing good AT ALL left in my life. I’m going to kill myself.
ZHUGE
Then I’ll kill myself.
ROSE DARKNESS
Then I’ll kill myself.
FROGGY
Then I’ll kill myself.
SAILOR BLOODFIRE
Then I’ll kill myself.
PRISONER 676
Then... I’ll be in charge around here.
ZHUGE
Maybe I should put that thought off for a little longer.
PRISONER 676
Damn. So close to getting some piece and quiet around here.
A couple hours without NIPALA go by, and PRISONER 676 grows a little concerned about her. He decides to find her and talk to her about solving her problems. It does not take too long for him to find her because she is on LIVE JOURNAL as always. NIPALA is convinced they all hate her. Pris sits down next to her.
PRISONER 676
Hey kid, your friends back at the place care about you more than you know. They're not angry with you, and they don't want you to disappear. They want you to overcome whatever difficulties are going on in your life and be their friend once more. Right now, Karsh isn't loathing you, he's sincerely wishing that things were just like they used to be. To be honest, I've never considered the guy truly loyal to people... but today he has surprised me. He is really standing by you.
ROSE DARKNESS and KARSH sit on the other side.
ROSE DARKNESS
N, we care about you more than you know. We’re not angry with you, and we don't want you to disappear. We want you to overcome whatever difficulties are going on in your life and be our friend once more. Right now, Karsh and I aren’t loathing you, we’re sincerely wishing that things were just like they used to be. We’re standing by you, really.
KARSH
She’s right.
NIPALA
Oh... thank you ROSE and KARSH. You’re the best!
KARSH, ROSE, and NIPALA walk away hand in hand. Pris is sitting there along trying to figure out what the hell just happened.
PRISONER 676
Ahem... a “Thank you” would be nice!!!
PRIS mumbles some foul words until he gets a telepathic message from ZHUGE.
ZHUGE
Pris, we’ve got trouble. Bring the others back to the Fletz with you.
PRIS, KARSH, ROSE, NIPALA, ZHUGE and everybody else unites at the Fletz.
ROSE
What’s going on?
ZHUGE
Somebody is holding everybody in the White House hostage with a serum that causes temporary paralysis. The entire capital has come to a standstill.
KARSH
Let’s go!
ZHUGE
Wait, these guys look a lot tougher than TJ’s Brotherhood. We’re going to have to call for reinforcements.
FROGGY
You don’t mean...
ZHUGE
Yes, the uncanny BLAIR!
BLAIR walks in the room. Everybody stares at him in awe. BLAIR stares back at them.
BLAIR
Hi, I’m Blair.
PHANTOM ANGEL
He’s amazing!
ROSE
He’s the coolest, bestest addition to the team ever!!
PRISONER 676
Does he actually DO anything?
KARSH
I hope my kids are just like Blair!
SAILOR BLOODFIRE cybers with BLAIR.
ZHUGE
Well, with Blair on our side, we should be unstoppable!
EVERYONE
YEAH!
Before they can all get on their hi tech jet powered by leftover Cheesewizzing on the main board, GRAVIJA, armed to the teeth with about a dozen different guns, time-flips into their time.
PRISONER 676
Now this guy looks like he’s better suited to kick some terrorist ass.
ROSE DARKNESS
Him? Be stronger than Blair? What are you smoking? Stop being so gay.
SAILOR BLOODFIRE cybers with GRAVIJA
EVERYBODY
Sailor Bloodfire is a whore, and she will never be anything but a whore.
Everyone boards the jet. PRISONER 676 tries to make conversation with BLAIR and KARSH.
PRISONER 676
You know, it’s sad how people around here have to make everybody believe that we’re all one dimensional characters, usually negative ones at that, which we are forbidden to escape. I mean, sure Sailor Bloodfire has done some despicable things, but six months from now, if she decides to clean up her act, nobody will care. She’ll always be “the whore” to them.
ROSE DARKNESS
That’s not true. You’re not allowed to be right because you will always be “Karsh’s mischievous but ultimately inferior friend”.
PRISONER looks over at BLAIR who has turned into THE GREAT ADMIRAL
TGA
Hi everyone! :D
PRISONER
Whoa, what’s your power, bub?
TGA
I... don’t have one.
KARSH
A Fletz Man with no powers? That’s like a person who hangs out on a roleplaying board with no intention of ever roleplaying in his life.
ROSE DARKNESS
There’s nothing wrong with that! Roleplaying is gay gay gay. Hanging out is cool!
KARSH
As always, you’re right, Rose.
PHANTOM ANGEL
Yes, there IS something wrong with that. That’s what most of us came here to do, and we don’t need some “too cool for school” bitch to condemn us 24/7.
KARSH
As always, you’re right, Angel. Wait, two of my friends are fighting. I’m going to walk away and act like I never saw this, and then when each of my friends want to talk to me private, I’ll tell them that I support THEIR side and not the other.
ZHUGE
We’re there everybody.
The FLETZ MEN arrive on the roof of the White House. TGA turns back into BLAIR, and everybody gets out of the plane.
ZHUGE
Stop right there villain. We’ve got you now!
??????
Oh really... Zhuge Liang?
ZHUGE
That voice...
SAILOR BLOODFIRE
It’s...
KARSH
...Warabi!
GRAVIJA
Okay, let’s kill her now!
FLETZ MEN
No Grav, Warabi used to be sooooooooo cool.
PRISONER 676
Keyword: Used to. *SNIKT* It’s slicing and dicing time!
KARSH
No, she used to be cool. That means everything to us. Sure, she’s a bitch now, but 90% of us have no concept of the present.
PHANTOM ANGEL
So this one woman is holding the city hostage?
?????
THERE ARE TWO OF US. SHE IS NOT ALONE. I WILL NOT SUPPORT HER.
GRAVIJA
So quick to contradict himself. It can only be...
PRISONER 676
...the Omega Sentinel!!!
OMEGA
I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY ACTIONS THAT DEMAND ATTENTION. PITY ME! PITY ME!
OMEGA unleashes a horde of useless, dime-a-dozen Tonberry warriors. A massive battle ensues, and lots of innocent people are caught in the crossfire and killed. Still, the MODERATORS do not step in.
BLAIR
Hi, I’m Blair.
MODS
Moderator Discretion! DIE BITCH!
The MODERATORS kill BLAIR.
ZHUGE
Blair is...
PRISONER 676
NO!!!!!! Being the out of the loop hair-trigger berserker I am, I will attack everybody I even consider even CLOSE to Blair’s demise!
PRISONER stabs all the moderators except the one who actually killed BLAIR. Meanwhile, SAILOR BLOODFIRE takes off her glove and touches OMEGA.
SAILOR BLOODFIRE
CYBER SEX IS WRONG.
In all the confusion, GRAVIJA shoots at WARABI but misses. His shot shatters the serum vial, and the virus spreads. Everybody falls to the ground ill, but PRIS gets up right away thanks to his healing factor.
PRISONER 676
Omega and Warabi are both helpless. Who to kill...
ZHUGE LIANG
*cough cough* Warabi is my friend, but I hate Omega. Kill Omega!
NIPALA
*cough cough* Omega is my friend, but I don’t like Warabi. Kill Warabi!
GRAVIJA
*cough cough* Kill them both! Kill them both!
KARSH
*cough cough* They’re all my very close friends. Don’t kill anybody!
PRISONER 676
What the hell is this? Some kind of riddle?
TJ
Bah Meh Feh, allow me to make the decision for you, Wolverine-like guy...
PRISONER 676
Even you came here just to influence my decision? I’m lost and confused.
ZHUGE LIANG absorbs TJ’s mind. He stands up, fully healed.
ZHUGE LIANG
No, only I am allowed to be lost or confused or sad for I am in charge here! I am both a king and a God!
OMEGA
ALL PEOPLE SHOULD STOP THINKING THEY ARE A GOD. I AM GOD.
TJIANG, the spiritual hybrid of ZHUGE and TJ, backhands OMEGA into orbit.
TJIANG
Come Warabi. Let us take this world as we were meant to.
PRISONER 676
I can’t let you!
TJIANG
You cannot stop me, boy.
TJIANG throws Pris into a wall and holds him there with TJ’s magnetism powers.
PRISONER 676
Just like somebody from the plot to prohibit another person from enjoying the benefits of their own creativity just so they don’t become more respected than you. You’re pulling a CoN on Warabi’s NIAA if you know what I’m saying.
WARABI
He’s sort of right.
KARSH
*cough cough* Just like somebody from the... uh...
PRIS
The word is plot.
KARSH
PLOT to prohibit another person from enjoying the benefits of their own creativity just so they don’t become more respected than you. You’re pulling a CoN on Warabi’s NIAA. Uh... whatever that means...
WARABI
Karsh is right! Get out of my way TJIANG!
TJIANG
Bah, this is the end of the road for you Warabi. You think you can fight the power of two superbeings combined by yourself?
WARABI
You’re not the only two person entity. I consumed GD's soul and all of his abilities long ago.
The two have a massive end-all battle. In the process, TJIANG smashes the vial containing the antidote. The FLETZ MEN are healed.
KARSH
I’m okay.
ROSE
Me too. This is gay—I mean great.
GRAVIJA
Let’s get them!
After three pages of senseless decisions, the FLETZ MEN beat the crap out of WARABI and split TJIANG into two again.
ZHUGE
Where am I?
NIPALA
You got fused with TJ.
ZHUGE
No! This could never happen! We’re not at all alike! I’m going to kill myself now!
TJ
(At the same time as Zhuge) No! This could never happen! We’re not at all alike! I’m going to kill myself now!
SAILOR BLOODFIRE
Then I’ll—
PRISONER 676
Not this again.
And so, the day is saved thanks to BLAIR!