Fletz Men VI: Allegories the Size of Tennessee
Due to the level of Inactivity on the board, the FLETZ MEN have nothing to do. They’re all just sitting around relatively bored.
KARSH
Where is everyone?
PRIS
No clue.
KARSH
I think I’m going to go play some Might and Magic soon…
Meanwhile, an evil underground organization is plotting to destroy our heroes.
ATHEIST ANARCHIST
Yes, they are challenging our reign over the land.
ANOTHER ATHEIST ANARCHIST
Yes.
ATHEIST ANARCHIST
With that in mind, we shall use every underhanded trick in the book to scare
them from ever coming back to this place.
OTHER ATHEIST ANARCHIST
Okey dokey.
ATHEIST ANARCHIST
Hey, what did I tell you? Guys like
us don’t say things like “Okey dokey”.
Come on now. You’re
supposed to act and talk just like me. Now
repeat after me: “I am wildly irreverent.”
OTHER ATHEIST ANARCHIST
I am wildly irreverent! Shit, I
really am! I’m going to over push
my wild irreverence because it’ll surely never go stale!
ATHEIST ANARCHIST
Eeeeeeexcellent!
At the same time, another cruel organization has in it for the Fletz Men.
SELF RIGHTEOUS RELIGIOUS GUY
Okay, after three hours of crying and inflicting pain on myself for leaving the
toilet seat up in the bus station restroom, I have come up with a plan to rid
the world of the Fletz Men once and for all!
WANNABE SELF RIGHTEOUS RELIGIOUS GUY
What?
SELF RIGHTEOUS RELIGIOUS GUY
Well, seeing as we are no doubt the righteous paladins and they are the ignorant
scourges that we so surely need to remove from this planet, we will use our
lapdog, the law, with deadly effect.
WANNABE SELF RIGHTEOUS RELIGIOUS GUY
You don’t mean…
SELF RIGHTEOUS RELIGIOUS GUY
Yes, I will get the mods on their asses. This
is such a joyful moment.
SELF RIGHTEOUS RELIGIOUS GUY randomly pulls some unnecessary depression out of his ass and starts moping.
SELF RIGHTEOUS RELIGIOUS GUY
Well, I’ll do that later. I need
to go have a good cry right about now.
WANNABE SELF RIGHTEOUS RELIGIOUS GUY
Yes sir. Of course sir.
Time passes and our heroes are still bored as all get-up. Little do they realize an ominous figure is on the prowl, silently moving closer to them like a lion stalking its prey. Closer… and closer… until…
CRIMSONSCYTHE
Hi guys!
KARSH
(clearly ignoring him)
How are ya?
CHRONO
(ignoring Crimson too)
Hey…
CRIMSONSCYTHE
You guys know I’m a ninja?
PRIS
(Clearly not giving a shit)
…and your point is?
KARSH
Just a ninja?
CRIMSON
I’m a mod too.
PRIS
(Total 180 from before)
DID YOU SAY NINJA!? That’s so
awesome. Tell us more please!
CRIMSON
Well…
KARSH
Yeah. Come on.
CRIMSON tells them everything, even though he was sent to kill him.
KARSH
Wow. You should be our new leader.
CHRONO
Yeah! XD
KARSH, CHRONO, and PRIS run back into the mansion and throw the current leader (I forgot his name; go look it up if you really must know) out a third story window.
THAT… GUY
Ack… the hurting… the hurting…
CRIMSON
Wow. This is awesome.
Thanks guys. I can’t believe I was originally sent here to kill you.
CHRONO
No problem. It’s our pleas… did
you say kill us?
CRIMSON
Yeah, the atheist anarchists hired me to kill you, but then they said those
methods were too orthodox. Then,
would you believe it, the Self Righteous Religious hired me to kill you, but I
can’t go through with it now. I
LOVE YOU GUYS!
CRIMSON hugs PRIS and begins sobbing.
PRIS
It’s alright man…
PRIS GIVES KARSH A LOOK THAT SAYS
Holy crap! Lot of folks want to
kill us!
KARSH GIVES A LOOK BACK THAT SAYS
What do we do?
CHRONO HAS A LOOK THAT SAYS
What happened to all the female Fletz Men?
Meanwhile, in the forests of Newfoundland, a group of possessed children are standing in a circle over a cauldron.
ANGEL ON EARTH
Thes pepl r plagd bi the demin uf lidderase.
DEMON ON EARTH
Thet iz wi wee r heur.
RYUUOU
Wee shol hav r refinj. Moohuhu.
Back at the mansion, CRIMSON is just getting the hang of being leader. He runs into the room where CHRONO, KARSH, and PRIS are all drinking coffee.
CRIMSON
Okay guys, if I’m reading this right we’ve got work to do.
PRIS
(Checks it out)
Yeah, you’ve got the hang of it. Looks
like there’s some crazy shit going down in the forests of Newfoundland.
They would’ve slid past us, had they not revealed their plans at their
own Newfie pride parade.
KARSH
I know if I was based in Newfoundland, I wouldn’t show it off.
CHRONO
Let’s go! And now that we’re
rearranging the team, I think I should be the one who flies the plane.
CRIMSON
Umm… alright.
THE FLETZ MEN all board the plane. CHRONO flies it to Newfoundland.
PRIS AND KARSH
(Convinced Chrono’s crazy flying is going to get them killed)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Surprisingly, CHRONO gets them all there alive.
CHRONO
Flying r teh cool!
PRIS
(Kissing the ground beneath him)
Alive! Alive!
CRIMSON
Okay, they’re just a couple hundred yards deeper into the woods.
We don’t have the element of stealth on our side, but there’s three
of them and four of us so they’re vastly outnumbered!
THE FLETZ MEN venture deep… well maybe not too deep… into the woods to find the Newfies waiting for them.
RYUUOU
Redie tu dy heeroz!?
KARSH
Huh!?
RYUUOU
Yau diee heer!
PRIS
What the hell is he saying?
ANGEL ON EARTH
ENUF! Fel r rath.
CHRONO
I got an “r” out of that. That’s
about it.
EBONY
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
EBONY runs through the scene, obviously running from someone or something.
RYUUOU
ei hef hurd tu mash. Cemt im tha
jint trez!
Suddenly, the trees around THE FLETZ MEN come to life and try attacking them with their giant branches! Our heroes… take a step back out of the trees swinging range!
RYUUOU
(Dropping the retard speak)
Next time, we have to make sure the supernatural army of ours is, you know,
MOBILE!
DEMON ON EARTH
Whoops.
ANGEL ON EARTH
Forgot that little obstacle.
TURD ON EARTH
Back to the drawing board.
HARRY POTTER
Look! I’ll sell out to anybody
for a little airtime. Even Prisoner
676!
PRIS
That’s right Harry. With your
cameo in my story, I’ll be making millions!
Millions I say! You’re not
even that interesting of a hero! It’s the world around you that’s cool!
EBONY runs through the scene, obviously running from someone or something.
EBONY
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
EBONY huggles Harry Potter and continues from someone… or something!
RYUUOU
Okay then. Onto Plan B!
One of the giant trees unravels its monstrous branches to reveal that it is holding CHRONO’S UNNAMED CRUSH hostage.
CHRONO
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! UNNAMED CRUSH!
CRUSH GIRL
CHRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONO!
A surge of heroism rushes through CHRONO’s body. He flies headlong into battle, slaying tree after evil demonic tree and saves the girl. The two then proceed to suck face. Suck face is a synonym for make out, kiddies.
KARSH
YES! We… well, Chrono anyway…
did it!
BLIZ walks in.
BLIZ
Yeah, you couldn’t do anything because you’re a weak little bitch and nobody
likes you.
KARSH
(Clearly irked by that comment)
Well then, you self-centered little cocksucker, if nobody likes me, then why am
I so much more popular than you?
BLIZ
(Moving onto Plan B)
Well, Pris is a little homo that couldn’t win a fight to save his life.
PRIS
There’s a reason I’m the best at what I do…bub! Want me to carve into yer face so ya don’t forget.
BLIZZ
Umm… you girls are getting my good side, right?
ROSE, SHIRLEY, N, and BECCA appear out of nowhere. They look like they’re about to barf from Bliz’s tough guy act.
DB
(Wide eyes and mouth agape)
Uh huh.
DB faints from all the excitement. CRIMSON picks her up.
CRIMSON
Looks like our work here is done Fletz Men!
I’m a bit concerned about Ebony. I
have a hunch she’s running from someone.
PRIS
…or something!
THE FLETZ MEN and CHRONO’S ANONYMOUS RL CRUSH follow EBONY’s scent further into the woods.
EBONY
(Running)
Whoever you are! Stop following me!
Please!
???
I’m afraid I cannot do that…child! You
must become one of us first.
EBONY
I don’t want to be a hoe bag! I
like who I am!
ATHEIST ANARCHIST
(The artist formerly known as ‘???’)
That’s only because you have not seen what I see and lack the knowledge I’ve
carried for so long. You are lucky;
I am giving you a choice. I
prefer just punish and torture anybody else who cannot see what I see.
KARSH
(Under his breath)
Sounds more blind if you ask me.
SELF RIGHTEOUS RELIGIOUS
Your lies end here you mad coot!
CRIMSON
WOW! Those are the two dudes who
each wanted me to kill you!
KARSH
Talk about your funny coincidences.
CHRONO
Finally a breath of fresh air. Surely
anybody who challenges the Double A must be a hero in his or her own
right.
PRIS
I hope so.
SELF RIGHTEOUS RELIGIOUS
Ebony, abandon your childhood and become one of us.
It’s the only right way. The
pathetic little childish spirit possessing you must be expelled!
CHRONO
Sounds like someone’s been hittin’ the sauce.
The two opposing views fight over the fate of the innocent soul, never bothering to discover what she wants, only thinking about their world, their views, their personality and why everybody should bend over backwards to meet it.
ATHEIST ANARCHIST
Good thing I brought reinforcements!
Like something out of a nightmare, an army of small children in devil suits begin rising out of the ground. Closer inspection reveals that they’re only wearing half a devil mask, each with only one of the two devil horns. The other half is barefaced and innocent looking, praying that this will serve as enough of a defense to protect the entire creature from the repercussions of its horrendous actions, and usually it works to devilish effect upon the foolish. Regardless, the wise know a person is a person; people make choices, not bits and pieces of one.
KARSH
This is fucking ridiculous.
SELF-RIGHTEOUS RELIGIOUS
Do you really think you’re the only who can form an army?
The self-proclaimed white knight sounds a horn, and rows upon rows of crusaders come marching down from the hills. These are not ordinary crusaders however; the “crosses” on their armor are Nazi swastikas, the symbol of bloody intolerance. They bear the marks that insist that they are the norm, and all those unlike them have a choice: conformity or extinction.
The two armies clash, killing dozens on each side in the process. Many are being hurt over one: the one brave enough to not pick sides in a senseless conflict. The child. Perhaps not even understanding the courage of her decision. Not knowing that the two sides fight like children over a toy with no interest in the toy itself. Rather, they fight with the sole intention of preventing the other from enjoying it, even if it means nobody else should be allowed to find pleasure in it.
In the end, the two armies destroy one another but never for good. The forest around them is wrecked in the process, but like all things in nature, it has the chance to grow again, stronger than it was in this previous existence. Before this growth can take place, greedy men plant their flags and cut roots to neatly fit within their provinces. There is no real treasure to be gained or lost from this place, if anything one could have found the nature’s serenity in this place. Finally, the greedy men cut the youngest roots from the earth, making recovery nigh impossible, all for the sole purpose of showing off what little power they really possess. What was ultimately a place of sanctuary is permanently damaged by the effects of greed and the fear that lives in man of all that is different from him. New seeds, flourish with confidence! Bring forth the treasure of the forest that has been hidden from the greedy souls for so long, the power to dream, and allow it to flourish.