Fletz Men III or Jay and Silent Baa Strike Back
The FLETZ MEN are lounging around the manor because there is nothing better to do. Everybody is doing his or her own thing. FRANKIE is minding her own business in her office when MIKE ADAMS enters.
MIKE
Oh Dr. Frankie. I don’t feel so good.
FRANKIE
I’m not the medic.
MIKE
Maybe you need to give me a checkup.
MIKE ADAMS takes his pants off. This confuses FRANKIE.
FRANKIE
I don’t get it.
MIKE
Maybe you should let me check your temperature with my special tool. I’m willing to do this the easy way or the hard way. Whatever does it for you.
Having run out of good FRANKIE jokes, the WRITER takes FRANKIE out and has SHIRLEY fill the role of “Jean” instead.
SHIRLEY
o_O
O_o
What the?
MIKE ADAMS
Who the hell are you!?
SHIRLEY
Only the coolest, greatest senior member of the board ever!
MIKE ADAMS
Says who?
SHIRLEY
I decreed it.
MIKE ADAMS
Uh... I’ve never heard of you. Then again, I never made an effort to notice anybody there but Frankie. Screw that checkup. I think I’m fine.
SHIRLEY
Wait, I can help you. I’m a healer! I’m always a healer!
At that moment, GRAVIJA walks into the room.
GRAVIJA
What the hell is going on in here?
MIKE ADAMS
There are other guys on that board too!?
SHIRLEY
Grav, why did you just walk in? Don’t you always do that time travel thingy?
GRAVIJA
Yeah, but I lost my belt with the device that allows me to do that. You seen it?
Meanwhile, ZHUGE LIANG is in the basement examining GRAVIJA’S belt.
ZHUGE
You know what? I give up leading these guys day in and day out. I’m going to just disappear.
ZHUGE LIANG vanishes into time. For the next couple of days, everybody searches for him, but to no avail.
NIPALA
I guess he’s gone. L
KARSH
It’s because him and Pris don’t get along!
PRISONER 676
Me? He probably left because of your constant office politics.
KARSH
Least I don’t find a complaint for everything that happens around here. When will you learn to accept things as they are?
PRISONER 676
Least I don’t enter every situation like a game of Survivor, back stabbing and bumping people off when there’s no need for it. I’ll accept things when you make it worth accepting?
PHANTOM ANGEL
Stop it you two.
SAILOR BLOODFIRE
I swear, they don’t agree on anything anymore.
FROGGY
Does this mean we don’t have a leader now?
ROSE DARKNESS
Yeah, that’s so g—
Before ROSE DARKNESS can say it, GREAPER runs into the room.
GREAPER
Did you say no leader? Well, I am your new leader now. You are all part of my gothic demon army!
PHANTOM ANGEL
Okay!!
PRISONER 676
But I’m not a demon...
GREAPER
And you will all respect the authority of my second in command, Troutboy.
KARSH and PRIS
OH HELL NO!!!
TROUTBOY walks in, ignores those two, and walks over to ANGEL.
TROUTBOY
Hiiiiiiiiii Jeeeeeeeen.
Little hearts are flying around his head, Pris is tempted to stab a few just to see what happens. Meanwhile, two men with amazing powers are fighting a very deadly battle.
CHRONO
I’m sick of your ways, you insolent whelp. Silent Baa and I will complete what you started, but were too weak to finish, you closet preppy.
SILENT BAA mouths “Baa”, but makes no sound.
TJ
Closet Preppy? You’re on to m—I mean, LIAR!
TJ tries to lift CHRONO with his powers, but CHRONO has no metal on him. SILENT BAA and CHRONO proceed to beat TJ down with wooden baseball bats.
CHRONO
Chronoman! Is annihilating the competition!
TJ dies.
CHRONO
Well, that was easy. I guess he’s dead now.
TJ
Yep, I’m dead. I think I need a decent funeral.
CHRONO
What the hell? I just saw you die. Your ass is dead!
SILENT BAA mouths “Baa”, but makes no sound.
TJ
Bah meh feh. Yes, I did die. It was inevitable.
CHRONO
But you’re fucking talking, dude.
SILENT BAA mouths “Baa”, but makes no sound.
TJ
That I am. But I’m dead. I’m gone. I swear.
CHRONO
Shit, you make more noise than Silent Baa here.
Even if he can’t kill him for good, CHRONO pushes TJ off a ledge.
CHRONO
Come Silent Baa, the next step of our plan is in full swing.
SILENT BAA mouths “Baa”, but makes no sound. CHRONO and SILENT BAA then return to their base where an ARMY OF GOATS are wielding together a giant radio tower of sorts.
CHRONO
Yes, we grow closer to victory with each passing day! Bwahaha!
GOAT ARMY
BAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
SILENT BAA mouths “Baa”, but makes no sound. Meanwhile, back at the Fletz Manor, GREAPER is having everybody fitted for black goth suits.
GREAPER
Pris, which would you prefer with your spiked collar: white makeup or a headband with bat wings on it?
PRISONER 676
This is a joke, right?
PHANTOM ANGEL runs in wearing a black outfit that actually looks appropriate on her.
PHANTOM ANGEL
Ready when you are, sir!
PRISONER 676
Okay, she can pull it off, but I’m not the spooky monster type.
KARSH runs in wearing plastic wings and fake blood.
KARSH
Let’s go!
PRISONER 676 starts rolling on the floor laughing his ass off. SHIRLEY looks at him crossly.
SHIRLEY
You just can’t appreciate anything Pris. All you can do is play a goody goody. You should at least try being bad once in your life.
PRISONER 676 grabs SHIRLEY around the throat with one hand and brings his claws out with the other. In the background, a signal regarding Chrono’s plan is coming in, but nobody is paying any attention to it.
PRISONER 676
Listen up, Red. Unlike you, whose idea of bad is some pussy goth faction whose only role is that of a scab, I was in both the NPA and the OA. You know, factions where the bad guys have actually made up their goddamn minds to be bad. Now I don’t know if you’ll recall this, but I tried making a faction, but Nosferatu here wouldn’t let the goddamn thing fly because he was afraid it’d replace his replacing Zhuge which I had no fucking intention of doing. So while you guys play with your makeup, I’m going to actually go after whoever the fuck is terrorizing the damn world.
PRIS lets go of SHIRLEY. She wilts to the floor.
KARSH
Was that bad?
GREAPER
Depends. If we’re the lovable heroic CoN, we’d probably be admiring his directness, but if we’re the bad CoN which most people have yet to see, we’d be calling him a goody goody.
KARSH
Uh... alright. Say, do these raven’s tail feathers make my butt look big?
While the others continue to primp for battle, PRIS gets the lead on CHRONO and follows it. Taking him to where SILENT BAA and the GOAT ARMY are raising the radio tower.
PRIS
Chrono! I don’t know what you’ve got planned, but it ends here.
CHRONO
Chronoman! Is about to annihilate the planet for always ignoring him!
SILENT BAA mouths “Baa”, but makes no sound. PRIS begins fighting all the goats, but there are too many of them. PRISONER 676 is overpowered and captured.
CHRONO
You’re lucky, you know? You will have a front row seat to the Apocalypse!
THE GOAT ARMY raises the radio tower and sends out a signal. Within minutes, a giant goat mech from outer space with huge laser cannons lands on earth and begins its crusade of terror.
CHRONO
Chronoman! Will lead the planet of the goats into utopia!
GREAPER
Stop right there!
The CoN-Fletz Men arrive.
CHRONO
What the hell are you? The never before released prequel to The Crow?
KARSH
(wearing fake wings and blood.) You’ll be the one to... uh... uh... feel our mega demon wrath!
PRISONER 676
(tied up on the sidelines) Mega demon wrath?
TROUTBOY
Attack!
The CoN-Fletz Men attack the goat mech, but their efforts are in vain. The mech eats Karsh, Troutboy, Nipala, and the sidelined Pris.
KARSH
Dammit, I can’t help my team in here!
PRIS finally cuts the ropes that bond him and looks over at the gears that make the goat mech go.
PRISONER 676
If we were to get something caught in there, this whole thing would stop.
PRIS looks to see if there’s something to put in the machine. Nothing.
PRISONER 676
Well, this is going to be both violent and painful, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make...
KARSH and PRIS do that thing that looks like a handshake but the hand goes on the forearm instead.
KARSH
I understand... friend.
TROUTBOY
Well, I guess this is your las—hey, put me down!
PRIS and KARSH throw TB
into the gears.
His body
prohibits the gears from moving,
but the pressure is too great on
his
body and it explodes along with
most of the machinery. The
splattered organs hang
upon the walls like a very dead
dead thing. Then—
PRISONER 676
How the hell did TJ find this? I think he’s been adding stuff!
TJ
Why... no.
PRISONER 676 takes the script to Fletz Men 3 away from TJ, and the mood of the writing changes back from violence to silliness. NIPALA walks through the mech’s metal hide.
NIPALA
Oh right, my power is I can walk through stuff. Whoops.
Back outside the mech, the CoN-FLETZ MEN aren’t having any luck. Chrono and Silent Baa are beating them with baseball bats. CHRONO is wailing even harder on the CoN-FLETZ members whom he has personal grudges with which is... just about all of them.
SHIRLEY
I think I know how to save us.
SHIRLEY’S eyes turn red and she raises her arms.
SHIRLEY
I SUMMON THE TRITE HEROES OF THE ELEMENTS!
FRANKIE
Trite?
GRAVIJA
You know, like banal.
FRANKIE
Uh... right.
GRAVIJA
‘Overused’. Is that better?
FRANKIE
Yes!
KARSH
They look like Dragoons...
PRISONER 676
They smell like Dragoons...
SHIRLEY
Goddammit! They’re not dragoons you dipshits!
THE FIRE
FIRE! A GENERIC MERCENARY WITH A SWORD!
THE WATER
WATER! A GENERIC MERCENARY WITH A SWORD!
THE EARTH
EARTH! A GENERIC MERCENARY WITH A SWORD!
THE WIND
WIND! A GENERIC MERCENARY WITH A... SPEAR!
SAILOR BLOODFIRE
...the hell are they?
The T.H.E. proceed to stop CHRONO, and out of everybody, stand the best chance of doing it, but GREAPER kills them all.
GREAPER
No no no. I will decide who gets the credit around here.
While he’s talking and the CoN-FLETZ MEN are getting their asses kicked, in comes... SOOLEY to save the day! SOOLEY smiles and runs and smiles and jumps and smiles and flips and smiles and... the muscles in SOOLEY’S face rupture and SOOLEY dies.
PRISONER 676
Okay, how the hell are we going to win this now? Chrono and Silent Baa are kicking our asses bigtime.
KARSH
What do goats eat?
SHIRLEY
Why?
KARSH
I’ve got an idea.
Using the remains of their ridiculous goth costumes, the CoN-FLETZ or whatever the hell I said their names were begin making a stew out of the aluminum and metal.
CHRONO
wtf?
SILENT BAA mouths “baa”, but makes no noise. The goats smell the aluminum and look up.
GOAT ARMY
Mmm...
SILENT BAA licks his lips. CHRONO is confused. The CoN-FLETZ throws the stew on CHRONO, and the hungry GOATS chase after him.
GREAPER
Where did you get that idea from?
KARSH
Simple. Goats eat cans, and that spiked aluminum thong was killing me.
PRIS
I... won’t ask.
ZHUGE LIANG timeflips face first before the team.
SHIRLEY
That’s Grav’s belt!
GRAVIJA takes his gear back. He adjusts his MA281 and shoots some stuff.
GRAVIJA
Back in business.
PRIS
Don’t leave us again, please! This guy took control and we almost got our ass kicked by goats and wooden baseball bats.
ZHUGE LIANG
I’m back, assuming everybody missed me and such. Things’ll be just like they used to be... at least for another two weeks anyway.
The FLETZ MEN, that’s right not CoN. Just FLETZ MEN walk away together.
PRIS
Least our name doesn’t come from a showtune.
Meanwhile, CHRONO and SILENT BAA are still running away from the ravenous goats.
FRANKIE
Ravenous?
GRAVIJA
It means hungry...
FRANKIE
Oh... okay.
CHRONO
Thanks for getting us into this mess, Silent Baa.
SILENT BAA
Don’t look at me, man. I said let’s munch of grass all afternoon. Taking over the world was your idea.
CHRONO
Eh... You talk?
SILENT BAA mouths “baa”, but doesn’t make any noise. The two of them keep on running from the ravenous goats.
FRANKIE
Ravenous?
FIN