FLETZ MEN 4
ZHUGE LIANG is sitting in his office. He pushes a little button so that he can send his secretary a message.
ZHUGE
I need you to round up all the Fletz Men for me. I have a very important message for them.
The FLETZ MEN all run into the room, except for ROSE DARKNESS who flies in through the closed window.
ROSE
Oww...
FRANKIE
Why did you do that?
ROSE
That whole run-through-the-door-with-the-rest looked so ga—
ZHUGE LIANG
Fletz Men, we have a very urgent problem.
SHIRLEY
Terrorists in the space needle!?
ZHUGE
Nope.
FROGGY
Evil mutants on the Arch!?
ZHUGE
No...
KARSH
Omega’s striking again!?
ZHUGE LIANG
Well, that’s a give-in.
EVERYBODY
WHAT!?
ZHUGE
Hmm... would all the guys here please step forward?
KARSH, PRIS, and GRAVIJA step forward.
ZHUGE
Right... right... all the girls?
About a dozen girls step forward.
ZHUGE
Okay now, what would you say the ratio of men to women was in the real X-Men?
GRAVIJA
PIE!
ZHUGE
I said ratio.
GRAVIJA
One to PIE!
ZHUGE
Somebody else?
GRAVIJA
Pie to pie!
ZHUGE
ANYBODY else?
KARSH
In the movie, one to one. In the comic book, about two to one.
ZHUGE
Very good Karsh.
KARSH
Thanks.
KARSH hides the calculator in his back pocket.
NIPALA
What’s your point?
ZHUGE
There’s too many girls and not enough guys. I mean, Angel is playing a male role.
ANGEL
I AM!?
LONE WOLF runs in.
LONE WOLF
You’re a dude! Ha HA!
ANGEL
I DIDN’T KNOW!
LONE WOLF
You’re a dude! Ha HA!
ZHUGE
Well, regardless of that, the forces of evil are getting too powerful. We need a healer.
SHIRLEY
ME! ME!
ZHUGE
Somebody wise and noble.
SHIRLEY
ME!!!!!!
ZHUGE
Somebody to fill the role of Dr. Cecilia Reyes in the comic book, quite possibly the only female character we have left. That person is...
SHIRLEY
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
ZHUGE
Becca.
BECCA walks in.
PRISONER 676
What could she do for us, ‘specially me, huh wheels?
BECCA hears PRIS make fun of ZHUGE so he bench presses him and throws him into a wall.
BECCA
STOP MAKING FUN OF THE ZHUGE, DAMMIT!
PRIS
Gah...
KARSH
I think you’re making some dumb choices now Zhu—
BECCA wrenches KARSH’s arm.
KARSH
--you wonderfully godlike leader guy, sir!
BECCA lets go.
KARSH
The hurting...
ZHUGE
My days are going to be a lot more relaxing now.
ANGEL
So who’s who now?
ZHUGE takes out a huge list. It rolls past his feet and onto the floor. It goes down stairs and over a chair. It rolls over the neighbor’s dog. It’s list! It’s list! It’s long, it’s paper, it’s good.
ZHUGE
Nevermind, that’s the list of people DB has cybered with.
GRAVIJA looks at the list.
GRAV
Who are all these names between mine?
SAILOR BLOODFIRE puts her hand on GRAVIJA’s cheek, knocking him out cold.
SAILOR BLOODFIRE
PIE! PIIIIIIIIIE!
NIPALA
!?
ZHUGE takes out a packet of papers.
ZHUGE
Here’s the girls’ roster...
He then takes out a Post-It
ZHUGE
...and the guys’. Alright, Pris is Wolverine, I’m Xavier, Karsh is Cyclops, Grav is Cable, DB is Rogue, Rose is Storm, Shirley is Jean Grey, Nipala is Shadowcat, I’m not 100% sure who Froggy is, and Angel is Angel.
LONE WOLF
You’re a dude! Ha HA!
ANGEL
SHADDUP!!!
PRIS
Man, all the weirdos’ve got a thing for Angel.
PRIS gets hit by an optic blast and... whatever the hell GR uses for a weapon.
PRIS
Ow! Was that you Z—
BECCA begins choking PRIS.
PRIS
--oologist! Zoologist! I was going to say zoologist, I swear.
A message comes in. SHIRLEY runs over and picks it up dramatically.
SHIRLEY
Fletz Men! Shirley speaking!
O_o
o_O
Damn, whoever it was hung up.
The phone rings again.
SHIRLEY
Yeah? ...uh huh... you know, I had this great dramatic entrance but you hung up on me! Trouble!? Okay, we’ll be on it!
The person on the other end hangs up.
SHIRLEY
FLETZ MEN, AWAY! Hello? HELLO!?
ZHUGE
WAIT!
Everybody waits.
ZHUGE
Somebody has to stay here with me and Becc—
PRIS and KARSH have already flown away in the jet.
PRIS
She’s not on the plane with us, right?
KARSH
I don’t think so.
PRIS
Go check.
KARSH
No, I’m afraid to...
PRIS
Well... so am I. Fine, I’ll go check.
PRIS lets KARSH drive the jet while he nervously checks for BECCA. KARSH flies the jet over DOCTOR LECTER’S house and bombs it.
PRIS
No sign of her. Say, where are we?
KARSH
Must’ve taken a wrong turn.
Back at the Manor, ZHUGE is contemplating a new plan.
ZHUGE
Well, since those two highjacked the jet, only people who can fly will do us any good.
ANGEL
That’s me!
LONE WOLF
Yeah, ‘cause you’re a dude! Ha HA!
ANGEL kicks LONE WOLF in the nuts.
LONE WOLF
(High pitched) Help me.
ZHUGE
Rose and Angel, catch up with Pris and Karsh. DB, if you’re movie Rogue, join them. If not, stay here with us.
DB puts her hands on FROGGY until she’s almost dead. DB then flies away.
ZHUGE
She was the original Marvel Girl all along. Becca, do you want to check her out?
BECCA
Sure, but don’t any of you make fun of Z while I’m gone!
FLETZ MEN
WE WON’T! WE WON’T!
BECCA
Best not!
PRIS and KARSH are flying towards the enemy. Neither of them ever bothered to find out who it is.
PRIS
Who are we fighting?
KARSH
Dunno.
PRIS
Well, we’ve got seven missiles ready for them whoever the hell they are... wait, we only have three missiles. What the hell?
KARSH
Blame it on the Y2K bug...
PRIS sees ROSE knocking on the window.
ROSE
Lets us in!
PRIS
You didn’t say the magic word.
ROSE
Gay gay gay gay gay!
PRIS
Not that word.
ANGEL
Pleeeeeeeease.
KARSH lets them in.
PRIS
Damn, I wasn’t REALLY going to let them in... well, we’re almost there anyway.
PRIS lands the jet.
PRIS
It’s...
KARSH
...Omega?
OMEGA
YES! I HAVE DECIDED THAT SINCE I AM A PERSON AND OTHER PEOPLE ARE PERSONS AND I CLAIM THE RIGHT TO BE A PERSON SO NO OTHER PEOPLE CAN BE PEOPLE!
PRIS
That means?
OMEGA
I MUST DESTROY EVERYTHING BECAUSE I AM ALL!
KARSH
You are all? That’s worse than mega-demon wrath.
PRIS
Let’s kill him!
ROSE
NO!
ROSE zaps PRIS with lightning.
ROSE
Lay off of Omega. He is right.
PRIS
Uh... no he isn’t.
ROSE
Well, he’s my friend so that makes him right.
KARSH
Rose, this isn’t like you. You haven’t said gay even once in the past three lines!
ROSE
Shut up!
NIPALA ties PRIS and KARSH up.
PRIS
Where the hell did you come from?
NIPALA
Silence fool!
KARSH
My god... this evil self absorbed bastard is a jackass to every man and totally friendly to the girls.
PRIS
Enough about you. We gotta get out of this and stop Omega.
KARSH
I WAS talking about Omega. Who did you think I was talking about?
OMEGA
YES, I CANNOT LOSE NOW!
GRAVIJA
Guess again asswipe!
GRAV blows a nine inch hole in OMEGA with his Barret M82A1, but Omega mends his own wound and catches GRAV in an electronic sphere thing.
OMEGA
PERFECT! PERFECT! I HATE PEOPLE WHO THINK TOO MUCH OF THEMSELVES! I AM SO GREAT! I’M LIKE THE LOVECHILD OF BLAIR AND SADDAM HUSSEIN!
Two mysterious men approach.
CHRONO
All your goat are belong to us you cocksucking fartknocker.
OMEGA
SILENT BAA AND CHRONO ARE NO MATCH FOR ME!
instantRiot
I think instantRiot and Chrono stand a MUCH better chance of kicking your ass.
OMEGA
WHAT!? I GET IT! I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!
FUNKY ED jumps onto Omega’s back.
FUNKY ED
So full of hot air. I hate punks like you.
CHRONO beats down OMEGA’s female followers with his adamantium staff. instantRiot smacks Omega around with his furry blue limbs. FUNKY ED teleports over to KARSH and PRIS and cuts them free from the ropes tying them down with his funky sword.
ZHUGE
Yes! The day and original X-Men gimmick have been saved.
All the guys lay the smack down on OMEGA’s self-contradicting ass. The girls return to their senses.
ROSE
This is gay. Where am I?
KARSH
Rose is back!
ANGEL
What the?
LONE WOLF
You’re fine.
PRIS
It looks like Angel and her weirdo fan club can be reunited.
KARSH
Not ALL of them...
KARSH conceals all evidence of bombing DOCTOR LECTER’s house.
ZHUGE
Well, this mediocre sequel proves something.
CHRONO
We need to work together? Damn that sounds weird.
KARSH
Omega is killing everything quicker than the plague?
ZHUGE
Yes and yes. We all also learned that Pris needs to take more time to write these because the ones that take a week are that much funnier.
Everybody walks out together.
PRIS
Is anybody here really like Sooley.
KARSH
I’m just his friend because Nipala likes him.
NIPALA
I’m just his friend because Rose likes him.
ROSE
I’m just his friend because somebody else likes him.
PRIS
Why am I not surprised?
KARSH does that wink nobody except BECCA likes. ZHUGE laughs. ZHUGE is a crazy guy.
BECCA
WHAT!?
Oh shit. Nothing BECCA. Noth—AAAAAAAAAAH!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!! Mother@#$%er that girl’s got a tight grip! I’m going to need a cast for this.
Fin.