note: Oh dear...I don't know what happened. Seems this one got a
bit wild and offhanded when I wasn't looking. But that's the way
we like it, ne? As should be expected by y'all now, this is wildly
OOC. Biggest warning: DT Relena = major ditz. Enjoy!!! ^_^

Duct Tape GW
Mission Five: Relena Finds Out
by Ebonhawk

"Heero?"

"..."

"You do realize that I'm gonna have like the world's worst full-body sunburn by the time we get back, don't you?"

"..."

"Gee...you're *so* talkative today. What am I saying? You're not talkative *ever*. Tell me, did I do something to piss you off? Is that why you're not even glaring menacingly at me? Or making some dismissive little sound through your nose?"

"..."

"Okay. I get the picture. I understand compl-YOWCH!" Duo yelped as his hair was yanked hard and he was nearly pulled from his stumbling feet. There wasn't much he could do about it...not and keep his hands protecting that one rather precious piece of his anatomy at the same time. "You could have at *least* bashed me over the head with your club before dragging me off to your cave by the hair, you damn Neanderthal!!!"

"..."

Duo sighed and staggered along. "I guess this could be worse...after all, you could be grunting and making grandiose gestures of manliness. Y'know what?" The American boy paused briefly to see if Heero would give the expected reply. He didn't, of course, so Duo continued his one-sided conversation. "I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking 'shut up, Duo.' You're always thinking that. And y'know what else? All I got to say to that at the moment is: fine! If that's what you want, I'll never talk again."

"..."

"This is a promise, Heero. I swear, I'll stop talking. I'll never never *never* say another word." The boy with the thick braid had somehow forced the other to a halt, Duo standing indignantly with his arms crossed over his chest. He ignored the wolf whistles and catcalls of the perverts that zoomed past them on the road, instead bravely staring down the mute Heero.

"..."

"I bet you don't believe me, do you? Well, I'll show you. I will! Starting right now! On the count of three! I'll do it, I swear! I'm not joking!" Duo threatened, one finger neatly stuffed up Heero's nose.

"..."

"Okay... One! Aren't you going to stop me?" He pulled his finger back and shook it a bit before reaching to wipe it on the front of Heero's dark green tanktop. (Yech! Heero snot...how attractive.)

"..."

"Two! I'm almost there! You'll never ever hear my voice again! Are you willing to give that up?"

"..."

"Two and a half! I'm dragging it out just for you, I hope you know. I wouldn't do it for anyone else." Duo frowned terribly.

"..."

"Two and three quarters! I can't do this much longer, Heero."

"..."

"FINE!!! Be that way!!! THREE!!! It's *over*, Heero Yuy!!! I'm never going to utter another SYLLABLE in your presence! I'll never even make a tiny little noise! You have lost the privilege, do you *HEAR* me?!"

"Are you done yet?" Heero asked calmly, shifting his backpack full of as yet untouched items a bit on his shoulders. He didn't really think Duo would go through with his threat. Hell, he hadn't every *other* time he'd made it! And, boy oh boy, wasn't Heero surprised when he heard - or rather *didn't* hear - Duo's reply.

"..."

Heero blinked, shellshocked into a moment of stupidity. "Well, I'll be damned. You actually shut up."

"..."

Blinking a bit more at the continued silence, the Japanese pilot finally shrugged, accepted the quiet for the gift it was, and tugged Duo's braid back into its comfortable position over his shoulder and continued to drag the silently fuming, naked American back to the school they and the other gundam pilots were holed up in for the rest of the week.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the school's gymnasium...

Not the least bit worried that someone - a teacher or possibly a student - might walk in on them, Quatre nodded agreeably at the array of physical education equipment before him. Yes, this would suit his plans quite nicely. He dragged his grey-wrapped bundle of gundam pilot quickly toward the object of his current fancy.

Trowa gawked at the sight of Quatre clambering onto the gym's largest trampoline, the lace-ruffled panties over his bum glaring brilliantly white in the bright sunlight streaming through the massive windows that graced the far wall. The blond boy had tossed what Trowa believed to be whipped cream and...were those maraschino cherries?...atop the contraption only a few moments ago. Just what was Quatre up to??? At least now he knew what the...bouncing...premonitions were about. Unfortunately, this new bit of knowledge was beginning to frighten him.

He really should have been prepared for what happened next, but he wasn't. Slowly, he was being hauled up onto the trampoline with Quatre. His mind went blank when he was finally positioned in the center of said trampoline, unable to help himself because of his grey bindings holding him immobile.

"Hey, Trowa...watch this!" Quatre dropped himself down on the trampoline and was tossed back into the air by the rebound. This went on for quite some time, Quatre bounding all over the open areas of the apparatus - nearly landing on top of his "captive" (*snicker*) audience more than once - treating Trowa to quite an impressive display of panty shots. Finally, the blond seemed to tire of this game and he crawled his way over to gather his "supplies."

Then, before Trowa could decide what was happening, Quatre was straddled over him, a devilish grin worthy of Duo spreading over his lips. In one hand, the blond held the can of whipped cream and in the other hand was...yep, they were maraschino cherries.

Now, maybe Trowa hadn't been prepared for the trampoline or the panty party, but this was nothing compared to the paralyzing impact of the words that "innocent" little Quatre let loose next.

"Ready for a little fun, Trowa?"

Trowa would have sworn his eyes were as big as melons at this point if someone had bothered to ask him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Elsewhere...

"An' sho then *I* said, 'If y'have that big a probl'm with the way he cracksh his toes ev'ry mornin', y'sh'd tell 'im.' Did Heero lishen to me? No, of *coursh* not. Who in their right mind lish-lishens to Wufei?" the slightly inebriated - okay, it was *more* than slightly - Chinese boy expounded to his two bathing companions, both nearly as tipsy as he. "No one, I shay! There'sh no jushtice in this world, I shwear."

"Y'know what? You're *totally* smashed...and it's *really* funny," Zechs giggled drunkenly, artfully arranging a massive handful of rose-scented bubbles on top of Wufei's head into something that vaguely resembled the ears of a cat. He scooped up another maskful of bubbles and continued his work. (Who'd have guessed his mask would make such a good bubble bucket?)

Treize echoed this sentiment on the humor of the situation with a wobbly nod and let one of his hands go questing under the water. He quite enjoyed the way his little dragon's eyes popped open wide when he reached his goal. He enjoyed the following response even more - Wufei plopped happy and squirming in his lap.

"You're sho much better than Heero an' the guysh, Treize. You lish-lishen t' me."

"Hey! No fair!" cried Zechs suddenly, sounding like a little boy who'd just found some other kid playing with his most favored toy without his permission. "I wanna pet the kitty, too!"

"Meooooooow...puuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrr..." Wufei responded like the little sexpot he was, reaching over Treize's shoulder for the latest in a line of opened wine bottles.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back at the school...

Heero threw the doors of the gymnasium wide open and tossed Duo inside...where he landed painfully on his rear. "Ow...dammit, that hurt, Heero."

The Japanese boy raised an eyebrow for a long moment, barely avoiding a sigh of disappointment. His peace was over now for Duo had once again opened his mouth.

"Oi, Quatre!" Duo called out, his focus changed.

Heero turned his head to see what had to be the most...um... *interesting* scene he'd witnessed all day. On a nearby trampoline was Quatre leaning over the still taped Trowa. He'd only just completed the process of smearing...was that whipped cream?...from the taller boy's bare and wiggling toes all the way up and was now busily dropping bright red maraschino cherries down in several strategic spots.

"Man, Quatre, you are one kinky little boy!" Duo exclaimed.

In the middle of placing a cherry on the end of his vict- uh...friend's nose, the young Arabian happily replied, "Yes, I am." Then Quatre's eyes popped open wide when he turned to look. "...and *you* are naked."

Duo shrugged and grinned. "You noticed."

"And just why exactly *are* you naked?"

Duo shrugged again. "I don't know. It was Heero's idea." He smirked, quite aware of the fact that Heero was on the verge of tackling him from behind. Dear god, he loved annoying the guy. It was his favorite hobby, he loved it so much. "So," he gestured to the topping covered Trowa, "you gonna eat that?"

Quatre looked down, blinked, looked up at Duo again. "Yes."

"Ah...mind if I- WAH!!!" The question was cut off as Duo went down under Heero's full weight. Whatever he might have said after that was lost to the wind as he grappled with the Japanese pilot that was pounding away at him.

"What do you mean it was *my* idea?!" Heero growled as he slammed his fist into Duo's face one more time. "*You* were the one that stripped and hopped in the tub with Trei-"

Finding neither one of his hands free to slap over Heero's mouth and stop the embarrassing bit of information from getting out, Duo plastered his lips over the other boy's. Well, Duo thought, it's better than letting Quatre and Trowa find out what I did...much better...

Back on the trampoline, as he saw Heero's hands unclench and switch from hitting to what looked to be petting, Quatre smirked and turned back to his own business - the tasty little treat known as Trowa. Nuzzling his face into the whipped cream, licking it up as he watched Trowa's eyes run through a range of emotions they'd all doubted the boy had, Quatre caught up a cherry somewhere low on Trowa's body in his teeth and dragged it up over him. Cherry now loaded with whipped cream, the young blond sprawled himself over Trowa, making a mess of them both as the desert toppings squished and squeezed between them.

He nudged at Trowa's duct tape covered mouth with the cherry, offering it to him. When Trowa cleared his throat, Quatre realized what the problem was and then said - or tried to say, anyway - "Oh! Hold on a minute." (Truth be told, it sounded a whole lot more like "Oh! Hol ona wihwin," what with that cherry in the way.)

His nimble fingers scrabbled up one end of the tape and yanked it off of Trowa's face without a thought to the pain it might bring.

"YAAAAHHH!!!" came the yelp before Trowa could stop it.

From the floor, the two pilots on the trampoline suddenly heard Duo exclaim, "Wow! Trowa's a screamer! Who knew?"

"Duo, shut up."

"Yes, Hee-mmmph!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Elsewhere in the school...

"He's here somewhere, I know it! I can *smell* him," Relena muttered to herself as she gazed at herself in the full-length mirror and adjusted her skirt. Today was the day she was going to catch that damned gundam pilot, even if it killed her!

The game had moved well beyond her original idea of catch and release, like with fishing. It had instead become something more along the lines of catch, stuff, mount, and display...but she refused to think of it as obsession. No, if she were obsessed, it would be more like catch, mount, stuff, mount, display, mount, and so forth. She wasn't obsessed...not yet anyway.

After a couple of quick swipes through her hair with a brush, Relena headed for the door of her room and swept grandly out into the hall. "I'm coming for you, Heero," she smiled quietly.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Elsewhere again...

"Aw...in'nt just too cute?" Zechs warbled as he gazed down on soundly sleeping Wufei. The boy was wrapped up in the sheets of the bed, a pillow snuggled close to him in his thin arms. "Too bad he passed out so soon, though. We coulda had some real fun with 'im."

Treize blinked, his hand pausing in its smoothing of Wufei's hair, and stared hard at the other man. "What ish this? You're drunker than ever and I can't tell the diff- um...differ...it'sh like you almost haven't had anything at all! Where'sh the shlurring of yer shpeech? Go walk a shtraight line fer me and reshite the alphabet backwards while touching yer nose at the shame time."

Zechs immediately stood to do as asked and, after only one step, collapsed to the floor in a giggly heap.

"Okay...yup...yer drunk. Ne'er mind," Treize nodded happily. He returned to running his hand over the sleek black silk of Wufei's freed hair.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back in the school gym...

Quatre unwound the tape with great zeal. It had been fun, yeah, but now it was just getting in the way. He saw Trowa flinch as it was ripped off a portion of skin that had been showing before the taping. "I'm sorry!" he cried and kissed the back of Trowa's hand, missing the look of dismay that crossed Trowa's face as one of the doors opened and the taller pilot saw who entered.

"Heero," he began, not quite successfully ignoring the attentions of the blond and not at all sure his words were being heard by the rather (*ahem*!) busy Japanese boy, "you might want to- gkah!" Trowa began choking on the cherry that had been popped into his mouth.

As Relena made her way across the gym floor, Quatre went wide-eyed at the strange noises Trowa was making and became alarmed at the colors his face was starting to change. "Oh no! Hold on, I'll help!"

Bewildered, the girl paused to watch the excitement as Trowa was levered up the blond boy and the Heimlich Maneuver put into action. Of course, she didn't realize exactly what was going on, so she assumed it was some bizarre and deviant form of...no, she was a *lady* and wasn't going to think of that.

Suddenly, something was ejected from Trowa's mouth and its flight path splattered it across her forehead. Relena raised a hand and wiped whatever it was away, letting it land on the floor with a mushy splat. Her forehead and fingers were sticky from the thing that had hit her, but she really wasn't about to investigate. It was bound to be disgusting. On the trampoline, she noticed Trowa had fallen back into Quatre's arms and was now being pampered like a spoiled princess as the blond unwound some long grey strip from him. She turned away and harrumphed. *She* was supposed to be treated like that, not Trowa...it was so unfair! Oh well, Relena thought, at least it's not Heero that's coddling him.

"Speaking of Heero," she murmured before switching into seek and capture mode, "HEEEEEEEERRROOO!!!"

"Ah crap!" she heard someone yowl from the other side of the trampoline. Duo! Relena was delighted. Where there was a Duo, there was a Heero. (Obviously, she did not yet comprehend the meaning of this phenomenon.)

Happily clapping her hands, Relena hurried around to the other side of the contraption and was shocked to stumble upon a rather unclothed Duo trapped under a nearly unclothed Heero. She searched her mind for an answer... They couldn't be... No, she *did* know what they were doing. "When did you guys take up naked wrestling? It's so ancient Greek of you!"

Duo, amazingly speechless, just blinked up at her.

Heero, on the other hand, dismissed her with a "hn!" and calmly returned to devouring Duo. His hands grabbed at the other boy, one catching up a leg and the other...surely the reader can guess.

Leaning in closer, Relena commented, "Hm...how interesting! I've never seen that hold before."

At this, Heero sat back on his heels and stared at the girl. Could she truly be *that* oblivious to what was going on right in front of her?!

"Keep going! Don't let me get in the way. I'd like to see who wins this match. I'm ever so fond of wrestling."

Heero continued to stare at Relena and nearly lost his grip on reality when she tried to push him back down over Duo.

"Oh, come on, Heero! I know you can take him! Look! You already have him flat on his back! C'mon! Pin him! I'll make the three count!"

His attention was dragged away from the girl when Duo cleared his throat. "Say, Heero, you don't happen to have anything useful in that backpack, do you?"

Leaning over the edge of the trampoline were Quatre and a finally free Trowa. "Yeah," added the young Arabian, "we really should do something about her."

"Well, there *is* some-"

Trowa cut him off, "Where'd you drop the bag? I'll go get it."

Heero pointed toward the door and Trowa pushed himself off the trampoline. He made a beeline straight to the bag that had been cast aside the moment Heero entered the gym and caught it up in one hand. Rummaging around inside, he smirked when he found the first roll. He slipped it around his wrist and returned to the others. Without a word, Trowa began passing out fabulously brand new rolls of heavy grey tape.

Then, when he set aside the backpack, Trowa turned with the other boys to eye Relena. The girl laughed nervously and started to back away from the menacing faces that were slowly closing in on her.

"Eheh heh...what's wrong, guys?" she asked...and then they jumped her. The tape ripped long and loud. Relena's whimpers of terror were quickly silenced behind a thick pile of sticky grey strips.

She was spun round and round as the tape shouted it's tearing battle cry, moving ever downward until all four strips reached her ankles. At this point, the boys angled their rolls upward and continued spinning the annoying girl faster and faster as the tape worked back up to her shoulders. Down, up, down, up...until the rolls of tape were no more.

Relena was wide-eyed, dizzy and near the point of falling over sick. She was too far gone to notice it when Quatre snatched one more roll of tape from Heero's bag and grinned at the other boys. He had one more idea.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A short while later...

When the boys finally stepped back to look at their work, the Peacecraft girl was hanging, securely wrapped, from one of the basketball hoops, directly under the net. She even swayed a bit from the faint air currents that moved through the gym.

"Say, does anyone know where the balls are?" Duo inquired curiously. He quickly became aware of a hand moving toward his crotch. "Not those balls, Heero. Geez! Is that all you ever think about? I'm gonna go get dressed."

Heero rolled his eyes, sighed, and wandered off after Duo as he trooped out of the gymnasium toward his and Heero's room.

Trowa looked down at the small pile of empty, cardboard tape rolls, and realized something. "Huh...you know what, Quatre?" The blond glanced up at him. "That was kind of fun. I think we need to go find more tape."

Surprised at the amount of words Trowa had been using in such a short span of time, Quatre simply nodded agreement. If Trowa wasn't careful, he might use up his allotment of spoken words for the next century! "What are we going to use it for?"

Taking on a suave and debonair stance, Trowa then slipped into "super-spy" mode. "Why, Q, my good man, I can think of a more than a few nasty villains that need to be taken out."

Quatre slowly released a sigh. There was nothing he could do. Trowa had just started another James Bond kick. He only hoped he could devise enough hokey gadgets and gizmos to get the taller pilot through it, however long it lasted.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning...

Duo blinked his eyes open...and found himself being smothered in Heero's armpit. He struggled, pushing and shoving until the sleeping body on top of him landed on the floor with a thud. Sitting up on the mussed sheets, he watched as the dark blue eyes blinked open and took in their new surroundings.

"I'm on the floor. Why?"

"Because I pushed you off the bed."

"We were in the same bed?"

"Well, duh! We only-"

"Shut up."

Duo stuck out his tongue and gave Heero a big and sloppy wet raspberry.

Pushing to his feet, Heero reached for his shorts (spandex, it should be a part of everyone's daily wardrobe!) as a knock came at the door. He pulled them on quickly and made it to the door just after it opened to reveal Wufei leaning indolently against the doorframe. In his mouth was what looked to be a sucker, the thin fingers twirling the white paper stick around and around, making erotic little passes over his purple-stained tongue.

"Wufei?"

The Chinese boy smirked and winked. "Hello, Tubbie-boy. Just wanted to ask if I missed anything."

"...no...not really..."

"Oh...okay. See you later."

"...okay...bye..." Heero shut the door as Wufei sauntered down the hall. He stood there, blinking numbly.

"Heero?" Duo's voice interrupted his silence.

"...yeah?"

"Why did Wufei just call you Tubbie-boy?"

END