Author's Note: Well, we are both finally back!!! ^_^ YAY!! …okay, quit that. Well, just to warn you now, this IS 100% Aeris bashing, so if you hate her…there's the door. ^_^ For the rest of you anti-Aeris fans, read on and don't forget to review!!!

Aeris gasped, running through the halls of AVALANCHE HQ. She got to the main room and using that very disgusting, sweet voice of hers, yelled, "ALRIGHT! EVERYONE JUST SIT!!!"

Vincent quietly found a chair beside Tifa and leaned on her shoulder, "She's…scaring me, mama."

Tifa shoved Vincent off her and sighed. What now? Is she gonna tell us that we're entered in some kinda contest, or are going to be committing suicide on live TV?

"GUESS WHAT?" Aeris asked.

…silence…

"…Okay, don't." Aeris shrugged. "Well, I just want you to know the opening speeches are tomorrow…"

And she started babbling about nonsense. Cloud was too scared to listen. What if she's marrying me and I don't know it yet?! …what if I AM married to her? …my life…gone. He shook his head.

"And guess what!! I'm running for Midgar People's Mayor!!!" Aeris gasped. "And since all of you are my friends-"

"Hold up!" Barret jumped up. "…I ain't no friend with no flower fool."

"I have tears." Aeris hugged Barret. "You're still coming! I want you all to vote for me."

"See that! She's even demanding a vote." Barret pointed out. "Being a Cetra ain't all it's cut out to be…gotta learn respect! Just like us normal people."

"…Barret, sit down." Aeris snapped. "I'm trying to tell them how to vote for me."

Cloud moved closer to Tifa and whispered, "Do something. Make her shut up."

"Why don't you?" Tifa whispered back.

"Because every time I've tried, you've always said it's a woman's job. And then I said, too bad there's not a woman around to help, and then you punched me in the head, leaving me unconscious and on the brink of extinction." Cloud explained.

"…Well…I'm out of ideas. Besides, this might take the pressure off you." Tifa muttered.

Yuffie from across the room snapped. "They are whispering!! It's not fair! I wanna listen!"

"Shh." Cloud whispered.

"Hey Cloud." Aeris began. "You're coming, right? I can guarantee on seeing my best friend there, right?"

"Uh…I…" Cloud stuttered.

"Best friend?" Tifa grumbled.

"She's delusionally dense! She doesn't know what she's talking about!!" Cloud backed away, cowering. "Believe me."

Tifa shrugged. "I honestly do not care."

"So Tifa, Yuffie. I can count on you guys to come, right?" Aeris asked. Tifa and Yuffie exchanged tired looks, then silently walked out. Cloud soon followed. Aeris shrugged, "I’ll convince you guys first!"

Cid bent down on his knees, clasped his hands together…and started praying.

"Ain’t god gonna help you now!" Barret snapped. …he started praying as well.

"We can always try." Cait Sith joined in.

"God, please answer our prayers." Red XIII continued.

"…And save me!!" Vincent cried. "…I mean, us."

"Well, I can tell you one thing. Either you come, o-or…or…or- well, you’ll have nothing to do then."

"Grandpa!" Red XIII yelped. "I mean, Grandpa. I need to visit him."

Aeris handed him a letter. "Arrived yesterday."

"Red XIII took it, and read. It said:
"Dear Nanaki,
I’m on a vacation. Do not come. Good bye.
Signed Bugenhagen

Red XIII shrieked, "NO GRANDPA!!" He broke out in tears.

Aeris petted him on the head and smiled, "One more thing."

"NO!!" Red XIII gasped.

"…see you there." Aeris beamed. She looked at Barret, Vincent, Cid and Cait. "Alright, who wants to confess first?"

"I’ll come!" Cait Sith yelled. "Just, don’t kill me."

"Oh!!" Aeris hugged him until he turned blue. "Thank you so much!"

Cait Sith fell down…unconscious.

Barret whispered to Cid and Vincent. "Psst! Don’t say yes."

"Right." They nodded. Vincent stepped up. "I can not come, I must sleep."

"Well, the speech is tomorrow. Why don’t you go to bed at 6 or 7 today, so you can get plenty of rest."

"A-"

"Good! See you there." Aeris smiled. "Cid?"

"My plane."

"You’re coming. …Barret?"

"Marlene."

"We’ll find a good babysitter for her." Aeris nodded. "That takes care of everyone!! …oh wait. What about Cloud, Yuffie and Tifa? How will I ever convince them?…" She shrugged.

Guess I’ll just have to use my feminine charm," Aeris grinned. Red muttered something under his breath it being dubious that she was female, and Barret merely sniggered. Aeris was too busy being Aeris and thus airheaded and retarded to notice, and she skipped cheerfully out to the back hall to attempt to convince the others.

"Cloooooouuuudd…" she smiled sweetly, trying her best to use her puppy dog eyes and innocent smile to charm the pants off the baggy trousered blond.

"Ugh." Was Cloud’s response to Aeris’s grotesquely twisted features. Her "innocent expression " wasn’t that innocent at all. In fact, she looked like one of those medieval gargoyles seen at the entrances of castles. "What do you want?" He replied, avoiding her gaze as best he could.

"Well, I’m making my speech as a candidate tomorrow…and you’ll be there, right?"

A thousand excuses surged through Cloud’s head.

‘I’d love to, but I have to go see the doctor about that prostate tumour…

‘Well, I’m afraid my religion forbids me to watch women in pink dresses in public on weekdays,
so I’m afraid I must respectfully decline…"

‘I’m doing a charity bungee jump into a vat of sulfuric acid, and that’s STILL preferable to going to your bloody speech, so piss off you annoying little pink worm before I have you shot.’

"Um…I’m washing my hair…" Cloud mumbled. Tifa and Yuffie slapped their faces in response to this pathetic excuse. However, Aeris nodded sagely and put a comforting hand on Cloud’s shoulder.

"I understand Cloud…I understand." She smiled sympathetically. Now Yuffie…can you come?

Yuffie smiled, proudly. Aeris couldn’t get around THIS one.

"My dad’s in the hospital, and they say he might not pull through. I have to visit him one more time before...I lose him for ever." Yuffie struck a tearful pose, and then covered her eyes. "I’m sorry, it’s all to much…" she choked through fake tears.

"Oh well, never mind, eh? I’m sure your old dad’ll last another day. You never really liked him anyway, right? I’ll see you there tomorrow." Aeris beamed. Yuffie muttered something profane under her breath. "Tifa?" Aeris said, brightly.

"Ahh…*cough* well, actually, I’d rather have spiny desert vegetation forcibly inserted up my rear end, so-"

"Great! See you there!" Aeris beamed, skipping off to pester some other unfortunate soul as the two girls watched dejectedly.

"Heh…" Cloud grinned, unable to believe he got out of it.

"Oh no you don’t, Mr. Washing my spikes," Tifa said grimly, "You’re not getting out of it that easily. We go, you go."

"But!" Cloud began in protest.

"No buts!"

"But!"

"Uh uh, you ain’t getting out of it!

"But-" Cloud was finally silenced when Yuffie whacked him across the head with her Rising Sun shuriken., stamped on his head and kicked him in the side.

"Was that really necessary?" Tifa asked with no particular tone.

"Meh." Yuffie shrugged nondescriptly as she dragged Cloud’s comatose body off to his room.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The next day came quite quickly. Or was it just the fact that no one could sleep due to the fact Aeris was listening to old tapes from her room, and practicing her speech.

"No need going!" Barret grumbled. "We've already heard the speech a thousand times in the night."

"And-"

"GUYS!" Aeris skipped happily into the front hall. "Are you all ready?"

They hesitated to nod.

Aeris then noticed Cloud was standing by the door, trying to find a way to glue it shut.

"CLOUD!-"

"Ah!" Cloud jumped slightly. "Don't do that!"

Aeris shrugged. "Cloud, why aren't you washing your hair?"

Cloud sighed. "…I…washed it last night while you were talking irritatingly and pointlessly about your speech." He nodded.

"Oh, so that means we can all go!!" Aeris beamed. She then hugged Cloud, and tried to kiss him. Cloud instantly, moved his head away from the girl, who's scent turned from flowers on a summer day…to rotten cheese lying on a plate for 2000 years, tops.

Aeris shrugged, explaining to everyone what was going to happen. Tifa silently slipped 300 gil into Cloud's hand. Cloud whispered back, "You're lucky you got to persuade me."

"Lucky?" Tifa asked. "I wouldn't want you to die."

"But if we die," Yuffie interrupted. "Then we're dying together."

"I'm dying with you!" Barret joined in. "…if you guys are dyin' today."

"I'll die, if I get to die with my planes." Cid nodded, silently.

"I'll die…" Vincent muttered. "Because…We're all dying."

"I'll die because Aeris' speech is gonna get all over my nerves!" Cait Sith cried.

"And remember, don't talk through the speech!" Aeris concluded, although no one was listening.

"What speech?" Cloud asked. Everyone shook their heads. Cloud gasped, "Oh! …yeah, that…speech."

"Well, let's go!!" Aeris beamed.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

They quickly arrived at the hall where the speeches would take place. And they had about 2 to do. Yes, only 2. No one ever tried to raise higher than Shinra in Midgar. Every year 2 of the most stupid Midgarians would try to raise higher than Shinra and become mayor…this year, Aeris was one of them. And according to Cid, "Boy, is she stupid!"

"Quiet, quiet!" A man stepped up to this podium placed at the very front of the hall. "Let me introduce myself…I am Wallace-"

"Don't be frontin', Willy boy, don't be frontin'!!!" Barret hollered.

"Shut up." Wallace scoffed. "Well, I am here to host the giving of the speeches…First up, please welcome a man named Stu Pidfool*, who will be running for Midgar People's Mayor." (* Stu Pidfool--If you say his name really fast, you'll see what I mean)

The crowd clapped, very weakly mind you, while a dashing man walked up. He had brown hair, that stood up in a Vanilla Ice type look. "Thank you. I am Stu Pidfool, and this speech is written by my lawyer." He cleared his throat. "If you vote for me, we'll have free pizza. If you vote for me, we'll kill Shinra. If you vote for me, we'll play chess on Sundays. If you vote for me, I shall be your guided wings into the light sky…??? Uh, if you vote for me, I will win, so do so, so I can win."

Everyone looked at him blankly.

Stu Pidfool bowed down and nodded, "Thank you."

3 people clapped, while the rest stayed silent. Wallace walked back up and smiled, "Now for our last candidate, which will make our time a little shorter…Aeris Gainsborough!"

AVALANCHE clapped weakly.

"Boy, this'll be fun to watch." Cait Sith nodded.

Cloud shook his head in shame.

"What are you sulking about?" Tifa asked.

"I hope she doesn't mention my name in the speech…" Cloud muttered.

Aeris took to the stage, looking solemn for once.

"….*ahem* Friends, Midgarians, countrymen. Lend me your ears, so that I can, um, talk to them.

"CLOUD!" Tifa yelled, slapping him across the back of the head as she spotted him trying to hack his ears off.

"Wha~at?" Cloud whined, whipping the sword behind his back.

Barret grumbled, "You were using the blunt end of the sword! You foo’!"

"Shut up, Barret,"

"Yes ma’am."

"Fellow Midgarians…" Aeris continued, "last night I dreamt something amazing. I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of Shinra brand Makocoffee while Vanilla Ice played the bongos on the heads of three bald men called Bob. But that’s beside the point. The point is-"

"When can we hurl the rotten fruit?" Cid hissed to Barret.

"Patience, foo’." Barret replied.

"Wha-give me that!" Tifa exclaimed, snatching a tomato from Cid’s grasp. "Cid! This is just a rock painted red!"

"Oh…really?" Cid muttered, shifting his eyes uneasily. "How did THAT happen?"

"My point IS!" Aeris frowned, attempting to get AVALANCHE’s attention again; "that I believe Shinra’s mayoral reign of terror has gone on for long enough! Vote for me and I will restore beauty to slums!" A slightly manic expression crossed Aeris’s face. "I will make sure EVERY road and street had flowers! Freshly picked flowers for every household! Free flowers for gardens! Window boxes with flowers! Flowers growing on roofs! In toilets! In dishwashers! On trees! Underground! In the purple headed spatula of the one who walks backwards!"

Two large men in long white coats ran onto the stage and dragged the babbling Aeris away.

"I LOVE YOU CLOUD!" Aeris screamed as she was pulled away. Cloud covered his face in shame.

"Never mind, Cloud…"Tifa placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Um…at least there’s only about 12 people here to laugh at you!"

Cloud pointed to the S.I.N. network camera crew behind them without bothering to look up.

"Don’t mind me!" A newspaper journalist muttered, sticking his camera into Cloud’s face.

"…Oh." Was all Tifa could think to say.

"Shaddap ya %^&*%*!!" Cid yelled at the group. "It’s time for Rufus’s speech!"

A large videoscreen was wheeled onto the stage, as assorted insults, boos and hisses were heard. A very hard looking "tomato" hurtled from an unknown location, hitting the edge of the screen and cracking it as the face of Rufus Shinra appeared on the screen.

"Hello." He began, wearing an expression of pure smugness. "You, no doubt, all know me. I am Rufus Shinra, president of Shinra Inc. and holder of ALL of Midgar’s important positions and titles. Since our dear Mayor Domino met with a *cough* unfortunate accident two years ago at an abattoir, I have been mayor of Midgar ever since. And I expect it to remain this way. You all know the deal," Rufus sneered, flicking his oh-so-perfect hair back, "Vote for me and I won’t drop the Pikachu." The camera panned away from Rufus where a Pikachu was being suspended by its feet over a vat of acid.

"Pik-aaaaaa…" it wailed, pitifully, struggling against the ropes binding it. Suddenly, a flash of pink streaked across the screen. The streak made a grab for the Pikachu but fumbled it and accidently dropped it into the acid.

"PIKAAAAAAAAAA!" *splash* *hisssss…*

"Oops…my bad…" the figure sweatdropped as it came to a standstill. When the camera came into focus on it, AVALANCHE saw that it was actually Aeris, dressed in pink Lycra with a red cape on her back. Cloud curled up into a ball shamefully, hiding himself from view as much as possible.

"Your reign of badness has come to an end, evil spoony person!" Aeris yelled, producing a fire materia from her pocket.

"MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!" Rufus cried, running in circles as his gel soaked hair burst into flames. "You shall pay dearly for this, Aeris Gainsborough!"

"Wha-how did you know my nam-uh oh…" Aeris said, "I forgot my mask! Um…you didn’t see me, okay?"

"SECURITY!!!!!!!" Rufus screamed, as the Turks ran after the Ancient.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Back at the hall, the crowd of twelve was applauding rapturously.

"Hey, that girl’s got guts! She gets my vote! Even if she is mentally unstable!" One member of the crowd commented as he left.

"Hell yeah! That’s the kind of leader Midgar needs!" Another said as he followed his friend out.

"…Uh oh." Cloud said, "this doesn’t sound good…

"She attacked Rufus on live TV! People are gonna actually support her! Foo’s!" Barret interrupted. "Dumb flower ^&*(^! What about Mar-LEEEEEEEEENE?!?!?!?"

Everyone looked at Barret quizzically.

"Sorry…S’contractually obliged that I say that at least once per fic…" He muttered. No one knew what the hell this meant, so they ignored him.

"You do know what this means?! Aeris as mayor! Flowers and pinkness everywhere! Twenty-four hour gardening shows on TV! We cannot allow this to happen!" Cait exclaimed.

"Cait Sith uses too many exclamation marks!" Tifa exclaimed too.

"I agree! Foo!" Barret nodded.

"…Shut up." Cait sulked. "We have to think of a way to stop her. Or it’s mandatory pink clothing for everyone."

"WHAT?!?!?" Cloud yelled, "But pink isn’t my shade! It doesn’t go with my complexion! I’ve always thought of myself as more of an autumn colouring-"

"Be quiet." Nanaki interrupted. "I have a plan." Everyone immediately began to listen to Red.

"Well…Rufus has a large number of dedicated voters who are bribed by him or involved with the Shinra in some way."

"Dose damn Shinra!" Barret growled.

"Shut up. They will vote for him no matter what. However, the regular voters will vote for Aeris, because she seems like the only decent candidate to oppose Rufus."

"But...she’s…insane…" Cloud pointed out.

"My plan," Red continued, ignoring Cloud, "is to steal some of Aeris’s votes. Rufus’s regular voters won’t be swayed by Aeris’s TV stunt. But if we can get some of the ones voting for Aeris to support someone else…"

"Red…are you suggesting…"

"Yes! We should stand as candidates for the position of mayor!"

"Oh…I though we were gonna whack the guy carrying the vote papers to be counted over the head and steal all of the ones where they’d ticked Aeris."

Everyone looked at Cloud.

"Shut up." They said simultaneously.

2 hours later…

"Are you sure I have to do this?" Cloud moaned as Tifa pushed him up towards the stage.

"We ALL have to Cloud. Now get up there!" Tifa kicked Cloud up the stairs.

"YEOW!" Cloud yelled as he flew up onto the stage and landed in a crumpled heap.

"Um…hi…" He waved to the packed hall and various camera crews. This was the first time there had been eight late entries into the mayoral race, and it was gaining a lot of publicity. Cloud picked himself up, dusted himself up and approached the stand.

"Uh…hi. I am Cloud…and…Vote for me and…well…so I can end this?"

"Cloud…" Tifa muttered. Cloud looked over at her, as she sliced her hand across her neck, making a cutting noise.

Cloud gulped. If I’m gonna do this, I’ll do it right! "VOTE FOR ME SO WE CAN KILL THE GIRL!!"

"What girl?"

"Ah!" Cloud jumped up as Aeris walked on the stage. "Don’t do that!"

"Everyone." Aeris bowed down. "You are now looking at the girl who supposedly ruined Rufus Shinra’s hair."

Everyone applauded as Aeris approached the mic. Cloud walked down and backstage where everyone was waiting. "So, what happened?" They all asked.

"Out run by her." Cloud moped. "This is just not my day."

"It’s no one’s day, dang it!" Barret snapped. "Look at her-" He pointed at Aeris giving her speech once more. "Babblin’ on ‘bout squat! Pure cheese if you ask me! She’s talkin’ ‘bout flowers."

"…Hey guys." Tifa smirked. "…I’ve got a plan."

"No, you can not do that!" Red XIII snapped. "My plans are the best. And besides, my plans always work."

"This was your plan." Tifa nodded. "And look how it turned out."

Red XIII whimpered. "…I know…go on…"

"Well," Tifa began, "Why don’t we…take a survey. Ask the people in Midgar if they want their city turned into-"

"FLOW-ERS-VILLE!" The people chanted.

"Flowersville." Tifa said, knowingly. "…wait a second!"

"AAAAHHH!!" Cid shrieked. "She’s evil!"

"You know what, guys…" Yuffie walked up behind them and sighed, "…I think she’s gonna win this."

They all nodded, regrettably and hesitantly.

"We can’t just watch this…" Vincent sniffed. "I say, instead of us taking a survey we poison the Midgarians into NOT voting for her."

"That’s too harsh." Cloud shook his head, when he noticed that Tifa was glaring at him evilly. He sighed. "Y-yeah, of course. Nothing’s harsh enough."

"So…let's say instead of poisoning…let's-"

"Don't-" Cid interrupted. "Do anything…"

"WHAT?!" Everyone shrieked.

"My good lord, Smokey's gone along with the evil!" Barret started praying. Then he started singing, very quietly, "Oh dang this day…oh dang this day…"

"No, leave it all to me!" Cid smirked. "I know how to get us out of this one!"

"You better." Cloud snapped. "Look at me! I'm a big, tough…"musclely" mercenary! I can- I can not wear pink- I do not do flowers!!"

"Cool your horses, foo'!" Cid scoffed.

"…cool your horses?" Yuffie snorted, trying not to laugh. "Oh, what temperature did you cook them at, HI?"

"I meant 'COOL YOUR SPIKEY HEAD, FOO'!" Cid snapped. "I know what to do. I'll be a tough guy…I'll capture her and question her. Threaten her so good she won't even want to look me in the eye again and say…Cid, you moron. Give me back my lipstick…"

Everyone looked at him.

Cid stammered, "…n-not that I ever had it…b-but the point, dang it!! The point is, I'll get to her!"

"…you're not gonna kill her, are you?" Tifa asked.

"…NO!!" Cid shouted. "I-"

Cid's talk was cut short by the applauding, hooting and cheering of the audience. Aeris walked backstage and smiled, "They loved it! Can you believe it?"

Cait Sith then sighed, "At this point, I'd pick Shinra any day."

They all nodded. Red XIII then sighed, "You work for Shinra, you idiot."

Cait Sith beamed, "He's right!! See ya! Call me when this is all over!!" He hopped out of the hall.

Cloud nodded, slowly at first, then agreeably sighed, "That went well…"

They all agreed.

"Dang it, I got it!" Barret beamed.

"Why must you say 'dang it' or 'foo' in every sentence?" Yuffie asked.

"Dang it, shut up, foo'!" Barret snapped.

"That was 2. A big hitter." Yuffie nodded. "So…what did you get?"

"Why don't we…find a way to work for Shinra!!??!?!?!?!?!" Barret beamed. He then noticed, frozen in his excitement, that Aeris was still standing there. He grumbled, "You ruined my moment. Go 'way."

"Why would you want to work for Shinra?" Aeris asked, in her joyful yet…'Hey, I'm an idiot!' way.

"Because we…want to find out their secret plan." Cid said, mystically.

"Okay. I have to give another speech." Aeris nodded. "Oh, dig this!-"

Vincent had a heart attack and fainted at Aeris' lack of language.

"-If I win, Flowersville will be constructed in a day!!! Isn't that marvelous?! We're even getting a pink sky!!" Aeris beamed.

"…Marlene loves pink. …a-a-b-b-BUT I DON'T!!" Barret snapped. "…dang it, foo'!"

"Oooh, we're getting really lethal now!" Yuffie smirked.

"Oh, well! See you, dudes and dudettes later!" Aeris smiled, skipping back on stage. While muttering a very low, "Tubular!"

Vincent woke up, had a seizure, and fell unconscious.

"…Someone get Vincent to a hospital." Cloud said.

1 hour later…

"OH MY GOD!!" Barret shrieked. "CID'S GONE AND THE SKY'S TURNIN' PINK ALREADY!!! OH LORDY LORD!" He began praying. "Oh dang this day…Oh dang this day…"

Cloud looked outside of the Highwind, and then turned back to stare, helplessly at Barret. "…stop hallucinating. It's just some big pink banner that says 'VOTE AERIS' that's covering up more sky than Meteor. No biggie."

"Maybe we should find a way to work for Shinra." Tifa sighed. "It's our only hope."

"…Why do we want to join Shinra anyway?" Vincent asked, from his wheelchair.

"Because we- why are you in a wheelchair?" Tifa asked.

"…Because it's snuggy and warm." Vincent stuttered. "And I don't have to walk."

"But there's nothing wrong with your legs." Tifa shook her head.

Vincent purposely wheeled into a wall, jammed his feet on it and sighed, "Now there is." And he wheeled away muttering very fake 'Oww's.

"Because…if we do join Shinra, then when Aeris wins, it'll feel like we disown her and we don't know her."

"…but deep down inside…she's still floating around some-"

"OKAY SHUT UP!" Tifa snapped. "I know, it won't work…"

"See, my plans rock." Red XIII said, simply. "*ahem* …west side…"

"Well, let's try it anyway." Cloud shrugged. "It can't hurt."

They walked up to the Shinra Building….

Barret banged on the door, creating a few dents and he and the rest of them bowed down. Rufus barged out. "WHO?"

"Please, sir. We want to join Shinra." They all chorused.

"…NO!" And he slammed the door.

"…That went well." Yuffie nodded. "…no it did NOT!"

"And everyday we're wastin' time!" Barret grumbled.

"And everyday…there's one more person who votes for a bet- pink…Mid- Flowersville." Cloud sniffed. "…IT'S NOT THE SAME!!"

"Midgar…had that 'ar' to it…Flowersville has that sucky approach." Barret sighed. He noticed Yuffie was smirking at him. Barret then cleared his throat and sighed, "Dang it."

"Much better." Yuffie nodded. "…hey you guys. Where is Aeris anyway?" They all got up, and considering the ninja's contribution they looked around.

"…Don't forget, big Smokey Bear's gone too." Barret sighed. "…he said he was gonna do somethin' to Aeris."

"Not kill her." Tifa shook her head. "So what should we do?"

"…Find them?" Cloud asked. "Or find the vote man and kill him." They all stared at the ground, rolling their eyes, trying to think of the right answer. They all smiled and nodded in unison. "THE VOTE MAN!"

At the polling office…

"SEPHIROTH!" AVALANCHE screamed in unison. Sephiroth glanced up from his desk. His long silver hair was tied up in a bun, and he wore a pair of reading spectacles that were much too thick, and enlarged his mako-green eyes to disturbing proportions. He was wearing brown slacks and a green tanktop with a white shirt underneath.

"Yes?" He inquired. Then he recognized the individuals who had called his name. "ACK!!!" He screamed. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same!" Yuffie replied.

"A megalomaniac’s gotta make a living, hasn’t he?" Sephiroth retorted. "This is just a stop-gap until mother gets back on her tentacles. Then it’s world domination for me! Mwa ha ha ha ha!!!"

"Um…right…" Cloud replied, scratching his head. "Hey Sephy? Could we change all the votes on the papers, please?"

"Well, I don’t see why not…" Sephiroth said cheerily, pushing a large heap of papers towards Cloud. "Wait! I mean no, of course not!" He snatched them back. "Now get out of here before I Pale Horse you all into oblivion!" AVALANCHE were then "escorted" to the exit by six huge men in suits and then unceremoniously tossed into the street.

"Well THAT went well!" Tifa sighed, dusting herself off.

"Hey, let’s not forget whose fault this whole thing is!" Cloud snapped

"Yours."

"Oh yeah."

"We gotta do somethin’ fast, foo! Or the whole of Midgar will have voted before we get the chance to stop them! What about Mar-LEEEEEENE, dang it?"

"I say," Tifa started, shooting Barret an odd look, "that we blame it all on Vincent.

"Why me?" Vincent yelled from his wheelchair.

"Because you’re an easy scapegoat. And you’re in a wheelchair so you can’t hurt us.

"Ah HA!" Vincent leapt from his wheelchair. "I’m not hurt! I’m just pretending!"

Then he noticed all of AVALANCHE glaring at him.

"Um, I mean…argh, the pain! Is there no relief?" Vincent said unconvincingly, slumping back into his chair.

"Heyyyy…"Cloud began. "I HAVE A PLAN!"

"What is it, Cloud? Is it as ingenious as your "lets kill the voteman who just happens to be Sephiroth" plan?"

"Even better!" Cloud beamed, not even registering the sarcasm. "Follow me!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"People of Midgar!" Cloud yelled, leaping up the speech hall’s stage holding videotape aloft. "I have some shocking news about Aeris Gainsborough!"

"GASP!!!" said one newspaper reporter.

"Surely not?!?!" said another.

"Who’s Aeris Gainsborough?" Asked a third unintelligently.

"It appears that Miss Gainsborough has a few skeletons in her closet," Cloud sniggered, as the rest of AVALANCHE wheeled the videoscreen (complete with crack) back on stage. "In fact, she is not the innocent flower girl you all believe her to be! Roll TV!"

"You’re the one with the ^&*(in’ remote control, foo’!" Barret snapped.

"Oh yeah…" Cloud muttered, pressing the play button. A moment later, Aeris appeared on the videoscreen wearing a tiny red dress.

"Hi," she said in an unconvincing attempt at a seductive voice. "What’s your wildest fantasy?" Then the music from the Flintstones began to play in the background.

"Aeris!
Aeris Gainsborough!
She’s the biggest slut in history!

From the,
Town of Midgar,
You can hire her for a sky high fee!"

The music ended abruptly.

"Looking for a good time?" The cheesy announcer boomed, "Call Aeris Gainsborough on 555-SLUT!"

The tape then ended.

The audience sat in stunned silence.

"What…the…fu-" offered one journalist before collapsing from prolonged exposure to Aeris in skimpy clothing.

"That advert was broadcast a few years ago on the S.I.N network. However, it was removed from broadcast after the station received an unprecedented number of calls complaining about "That ^&*(ing horse in a dress." Very few people know about Miss. Gainsborough’s dark past-except for us, her frie-um, acquaintances" Cloud corrected himself. "Thank you. I hope you all found this enlightening."

Cloud left the stage as the audience sat in complete silence, jaws hanging open, frozen to the spot with horror until someone changed the channel and everyone began to watch a Pokemon marathon.

"Do you think we’ve done enough damage to stop her becoming mayor?" Cloud asked Tifa worriedly when they got backstage.

"It depends on if Aeris can do a good enough job of brainwashing-um, convincing the voters in her next speech." Tifa sighed. "AGH! That reminds me, Aeris is due to give another speech next! We have to hide-"

"What the %^&* are you jackasses doin’?" A gruff voice addressed the group from behind.

"CID!" AVALANCHE chorused, spinning around. However, it was not Cid who stood there but Aeris, complete with flying goggles, cigarette and scowl.

"I did a pretty good &*($in’ job, huh?" Cid grinned, entering behind Aeris.

"CID!" Everyone chorused again.

"What did you do to her?" Tifa asked.

"If I told you, I’d have to kill you." Cid narrowed his eyes, pulling a shotgun out from behind his back and levelling it with the group. "But I did a damned good job!" He grinned mischievously and turned to the smoking Cetra. "Okay Aeris, ya got that ^&*(in’ speech now. Remember how we rehearsed it?" Aeris nodded. Cid patted her on the head. "That’s m’girl."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Aeris approached the stand looking slightly nervous, shifting her eyes and eyeing the crowd apprehensively. She tapped the microphone lightly to test it. Then she cleared her throat delicately.

"Ahem…testing, one two? Is this okay? Alright. LISTEN UP YOU JACKASSES!" She screamed, causing the cigarette to tumble from her lips. "My name is AERIS GAINSBOROUGH, and you &*(^in’ donkey %^&*ers had better not forget it! When I’m mayor, I’m gonna make smoking compulsory, broadcast the Dukes of Hazzard 24 hours a day, every day on every mutha%^&*in’ channel and make you all SIT THE HELL DOWN AND DRINK YOUR GODDAMNED TEA! Ya know why? ‘Cos I %^&*in’ well can, ya ^&(*in’ %^&*ers!" Aeris’s fist thumped the stand with each profanity to emphasise her point. "So you’d better all %^&(*ing vote for me or I’ll ^&*% with a rusty ^()&^ an’ %^&* ^&(*, then hit ya with the &$$&in’ soggy end!" Aeris cleared her throat again, lowering her voice. "So, in conclusion…%^*( YOU, $%&* YOU ALL AND YOU CAN ALL GO ^&*( YOURSELVES BLIND!!!" And with a one-fingered salute Aeris left the stage.

A few nuns at the back fainted at Aeris’s use of the word "%^&*," but most of the journalists had been paying more attention to the Pokémon marathon than Aeris.

"What the ^*(% are you staring at, Spike? $%^& off!" Aeris yelled obnoxiously at the gawking Cloud as she left the stage, causing him to scream "Mummy!" and run off sobbing to the nearest dark corner.

"….Uh……Uhm…." Red XIII muttered dazedly, staring vacantly ahead.

"Uhm…Nanaki?" Tifa said, waving her hand in front of the creature’s one functioning eye.

"I think we broke him." Yuffie said unconcernedly, swinging in on a nearby vine for dramatic effect. "Anyway, if our little exposé didn’t ruin Aeris’s chances I think there’s a pretty likely chance that that clinched it. But how are we gonna deal with her-" Yuffie gestures to Aeris, who was currently screaming profanities at a pot plant (Cloud does not take kindly to being called a pot plant, but it suited him in this case) "in this state?"

"Ah, don’t worry." Cid grinned, swinging in on another conveniently placed comedy vine, "It’ll wear off after a few days. I guess all that’s left now is to go home and wait for the ^&*(in’ results…"

Aeris was back to her normal flowery pinkish demeanour, and completely oblivious to the fact that a few short days ago AVALANCHE had revealed she used to be a prostitute, she had told the whole city to "Go %^*& itself blind" and the reason that she was having trouble breathing was that she had inhaled Cid’s entire supply of Lucky Strikes.

"That ^&*(in’ %^&* stole all my ciggies!" Cid hissed to Tifa angrily. "How am I supposed to function without nicotine?"

"SHH!" Tifa hissed. "They’re about to give out the results!"

AVALANCHE (sans Cait Sith, who was avoiding the whole thing) were currently sitting at the back of the stage where the results of the voting were being announced, along with the other candidates. Aeris had just finished giving her final speech and was walking back to the group.

"I think that went well!" Aeris grinned brainlessly, gesturing to the crowd who were holding various "Kill the slut" banners and throwing moulding fruit.

"It went amazingly, Aeris. You’ve won for sure!" Tifa sniggered.

"Shh, look! Wallace is about to announce the results!" Aeris squealed joyfully as Wallace approached the stand.

"Hello, Midgar." Wallace smiled as Tifa clamped her hand over Barret’s mouth before he had a chance to heckle him. "The votes are in, and the mayor of Midgar’s name is inside this envelope!" Wallace opened the envelope as slowly as humanly possible, ignoring the cries of "Hurry the ^&*( up!" coming from the crowd and Aeris.

"Aeris!" Tifa gasped.

"Sorry…old habits die hard I guess..." Aeris blushed.

"The new mayor of Midgar is…" Wallace paused for dramatic effect, dodging the rusty implements hurled at him by irate and impatient voters, "…oh my! It seems that for the first time in Midgar’s history we have a tie!"

"What!?" Aeris and Rufus exclaimed in unison.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to welcome to the stand, your new joint mayors for this year…CLOUD STRIFE AND STU PIDFOOL!

"WHAT!?!?!?!?!?" Aeris and Rufus screamed in unison.

"How on earth did THOSE two win?!?!" Rufus yelled disbelievingly.

"Um…I think that’s your answer." Tifa gestured to the crowd, who were all screaming, all female and all under the age of 13.

"MARRY ME CLOUD!" One girl screamed!

"No, marry me! He’s soooo bishounen!"

"You’ve got it all wrong," another girl sighed. "Stu is the bishounen one!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"EEEK!" exclaimed the first girl, flailing her hands at the other girl.

"EEEK!" exclaimed the second girl, flailing her arms at the first girl. A full-scale bitchfight broke out as the crowd started pulling each other’s hair, squealing and biting.

"CURSE MIDGAR’S "ALL PEOPLE OVER THE AGE OF 10 CAN VOTE" LAW!" Rufus yelled. "I KNEW I should have got rid of that one!"

"Oh well," Aeris sighed. "I don’t care as long as it’s for the good of Midgar. And at least Rufus didn’t win."

"NOOOOO!" Rufus sobbed behind them. "Why God, why?"

"Let’s go home!" Aeris smiled.

Epilogue…

Cloud gave up his position as Joint Mayor because he had the intellect of a burnt flapjack. Not that Stu Pididiot was any better for the job. He just kept repeating "I shall be your guided wings into the light sky!!" over and over again until he was dragged off to the Midgar Psych ward.

Aeris shrugged off her defeat and instead ran for mayor of Kalm. However, she was chased out by a crowd of 627 angry villagers waving pitchforks when she proposed that Kalm should be renamed "Super Ultra Cute Pretty Flowertown."

Rufus took over Stu’s position of mayor, but was nearly assassinated for "the senseless murder of an innocent pikachu." When Rufus pointed out that it was Aeris who killed the pokemon the angry mob left Midgar to join the inhabitants of Kalm in chasing Aeris waving pitchforks.

The rest of AVALANCHE claimed allegiance with Shinra and claimed to have "Nuthin’ to do wit’ dat damn flower foo’!" despite the fact that Rufus refused to have anything to do with THEM because "They keep calling me RUFIE! My name is RUFUS! Rufus, damnit!"

Sephiroth attempted world domination again, but no one would take him seriously because he forgot to change his glasses. On a talk show after his defeat, he was quoted as saying, "If you want to dominate a planet, contact lenses are required."

THE END.