Okay, to get the total gist of this fic you have to understand a few things:
1) I am a Reno freak. My friends Nanaki Lioness (NL), DragonFlight (DF) and SilverSword (SS) are nuts for Cloud, Sephiroth and Vincent. In that order, not as a group =^.^=
2) Junseyko water from Ranma 1/2... a difficult explanation. DF does it better than I do. "See, there's this place called Junseyko Battleground. All around it are springs, and they're cursed. If you get hit with Junseyko water, you become cursed as well, and here's the curse. Hot water makes you normal again, but being splashed with cold water causes you to change form and become whatever drowned in the spring (that you got hit with water from) last. IE: Ranma fell into "Spring of drowned girl". Ooh, technical name, but that's how it works." So, all of the Junseyko water in this story is from "Spring of drowned girl" and has no effect on members of the feminine gender. =^.^=
3) The four of us (me, NL, DF & SS) all like to duct-tape our fav characters, as seen in various fanarts we've all made....
3) I am very, very twisted. *GRINS* This is, of course, evident from the get-go...
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The camera panned in to focus on the face of Jerry Springer. "Hello, and welcome to the Jerry Springer show," he said with a big fake smile, "Today we have.... FF7 Men and the Women Who Love Them!"
The audience cheered. The image swung around to show a view of the stage and the four men sitting uncomfortably in the chairs there. First was the Turk Reno, absentmindedly picking at the wicker before looking up and straightening; second was Cloud, reading a magazine that he hastily put away upon seeing the camera was focused on him; third was Sephiroth, carving a hole in the floor with the Masamune before smiling his chagrin and giving it to a rather angry security guard; and fourth was Vincent, sitting perfectly still and to the casual eye seemingly asleep.
"Let's meet our guests, shall we?" Jerry smiled that big fake smile again, before descending from the nosebleed seats to the front row. "I think introductions are in order."
"Yeah, guess so. I'm Reno of the Turks," said the redhead.
"Cloud Strife, nice to meet ya." Cloud smiled and waved to the crowd.
"Sephiroth." He waved dismissively and set his chin in his hand, looking extremely bored.
"Vincent Valentine." A cold tone accompanied Vincent's terse reply.
"I think that just about covers it," Jerry said nervously. "Tell us, why are you here today?"
The four men exchanged glances. Reno was the first to speak.
"Those crazy psycho witches, that's why!" he replied heatedly.
"We're here to warn all those other guys out there," Cloud nodded.
"And who would 'those crazy psycho witches' be?" Jerry said, batting his eyes with an innocence as fake as his smile. Sephiroth dug a photograph out of his pocket that showed four smiling girls, all carrying rolls of duct tape.
"These four women should be considered armed and dangerous," he said, holding it in front of the camera.
"Armed?" Jerry blinked.
"With duct tape," Cloud shuddered.
"And Junseyko water," added Sephiroth with a shiver of his own.
"They aren't afraid to use 'em, either." Reno shook his head.
"As evidenced by these." From within the folds of his cloak, Vincent pulled out a sheaf of photographs of his own.
"GIVE ME THOSE!" Sephiroth roared as he lunged out of his chair towards Vincent. Seph was met not by the ex-Turk, however, but by a trio of burly security guards that had appeared out of nowhere. It took some minutes before the others could talk him down and convince him to stay put in the chair, but by then Vincent had already displayed all the photographs. One was of Reno and Cloud being held hostage by 2 of the girls, both with brown hair, clinking wine glasses and toasting their catch; another was a shot of a black-haired girl duct-taping Sephiroth's legs together while he shot her a glare hot enough to melt glass.
"You'll notice there isn't one of Vinnie in there," Sephy fumed, curling his hands into claws and looking angrily at the man in the chair to his left. Valentine coolly returned the glance.
"Of course not. And my name is Vincent, not Vinnie."
"Well then, Vinnie," Reno taunted, "how 'bout I show a pic?"
Reno yanked a photo out of his pocket and held it between two fingers. The picture showed a girl with auburn hair and 2 silver highlights, standing over the duct tape bound, gagged and hog-tied Vincent Valentine.
"Where did you -?!" Vincent started, eyes slightly wider than before and face paled to a bloodless, ghostly shade of white.
"Does it really matter where I got it?" Reno made a wicked grin, cutting Vincent off mid-sentence. "I got it, didn't I?"
Reno and Vince stood up and faced off; Reno with his evil smirk, Vincent with a glower that would have leveled a lesser man. Literally.
"Please, will you two stop fighting?" Springer made a weak attempt to intervene.
"No, let 'em fight," said Seph as he leaned forward to put his weight on his knees, glancing from Vincent to Reno. "This could be really interesting."
"Always wondered if the generation gap made any difference in how the Turks trained," Cloud grinned, crossing his legs and propping his chin in his palm to watch.
"No, really, stop it! We have other guests backstage!" Jerry blurted out.
Immediately, the fight was forgotten. Cloud and Sephiroth jumped to their feet in surprise. The four men exchanged that 'oh sh--' look every guy gets when he knows he's in big trouble with a member of the opposite gender - or when he knows that something really really bad is about to happen. In this case, it was both.
"Let's meet our other guests, shall we?" The stage door slammed open with a loud bang, and in strode four women, each bearing a roll of duct tape and an Evian-style water bottle. The first had long light brown hair held back in a ponytail at the base of her neck; the second, darker brown hair left loose; the third, black hair held in a higher ponytail on top of her head; and the last, with short auburn hair and 2 silver highlights that were much longer than the rest of her hair. For one moment in time, everything stilled.
"'llo, Reno-sama! Miss me?" the first one said, drawing out her Southern accent and winking. Reno's Adam's apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed hard.
"Cloud, sweetie, I'm back," said the second, smiling blazingly and blinking innocently. Cloud took a step back and reached instinctively for his sword... before he remembered he had left it at with coat-check guy.
"Sephy, honey!" was all it took for the third to say before Sephiroth visibly jumped.
"Viiiinceeeent...."
"Gack!" Valentine darted away until he was a good fifteen feet from the fourth woman.
"Please, ladies, introduce yourselves," Jerry said.
"Jessica Dragontamer. Call me a lady again," said the first, narrowing her eyes at Springer and curling her hands into claws, "and you won't live to see tomorrow."
"Understood, ma'am," Springer gulped. He was beginning to see why the men were afraid of these women.
"Nanaki Lioness. NL for short." She wiggled her fingers at the crowd and smiled.
"DragonFlight. DF, if you want." The third flicked a hand at the crowd in a sort of uninterested wave, keeping her eyes on Sephy.
"SilverSword, or just SS," the last grinned ferally.
"And now that we know who you all are, we'll take a commercial break." Jerry turned and faced the cameras, smiling that big fake smile again. "We'll be right back."
When the 'On Air' light went off, Jerry lost his smile and stormed out of the stands, mumbling something about wanting his damn coffee before he did another one of those freaky shows. One of the men in the front row stood up and asked - rather loudly and VERY rudely - what the water was for. Jessica's face darkened.
"SilverSword, would you do the honors?"
"I'd love to," the elfish woman grinned. She unscrewed the cap on her bottle of water and approached the edge of the stage, then soaked the man with the entire contents. A small poof of smoke, and the man was... a woman!
"Junseyko water," DF shrugged and smirked. "Gotta love it."
Immediately, every man in the audience exited the studio in a chaotic rush, and as much as Reno and the rest wanted to join them, they did have reputations to protect.... Jerry soon returned and climbed back up into the stands, but failed to notice the absence of the more masculine members of his audience. The camera panned back in on Jerry's sickeningly annoying face, and he plastered on another fake smile. The little red light blinked on.
"And we're back! If you're just tuning in, today we have FF7 Men and the Women Who Love Them."
"Jerry, this wasn't in the deal!!" Cloud growled. Immediately, the other three turned on him.
"Deal? What deal?!"
"Why you little-"
"What is this about a deal?"
Cloud gulped and slowly backed away.... unknowingly, towards the four waiting women.
"Well, um, err...."
"Get 'im, NL!" Jess cried. The darker-haired woman pounced on Cloud, and the horrible ripping sound of duct tape filled the studio. Before the remaining three men could blink the ex-SOLDIER was covered in duct tape, with only his trademark blonde spikes showing through the gunmetal grey.
"That cannot be good," Vincent said, taking a step back and taking his gun out of the thigh holster.
"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock!" Reno snarled at the other Turk before yanking out his electric nightstick.
"Let's get 'em!" DF yelled. With that simple statement, it was declared open season on The Men of FF7. Another roll of duct tape pealed its shrill war cry as SS took down Vincent, while Jessica managed to zap Reno with his own weapon and stun him long enough to bind his wrists to his ankles calf roper-style, and then slap a little tape over his mouth. All that was left was Sephiroth. The four women closed in on him as he slowly backed away.
"Umm, can't we talk this over?" said the silver haired man as he looked around frantically for something, anything, that would help him out. He nearly fell with he stepped and slipped on something. Looking down, he saw 2 bottles of Junseyko water, marked with DF and NL's initials on the labels. He snatched them up and unscrewed the caps in a hurry, splashing the four and smiling triumphantly. The smile faded as time wore on and nothing happened. Nothing. No poof, no smoke, no nothing. Jessica, a rivulet of water dripping from her bangs down the side of her face, crossed her arms and tapped her foot, her roll of duct tape dangling from her wrist like some weird bracelet. NL scowled and made a deep rumbling sound in the back of her throat, wiping water out of her eyes. SS's face twisted in a snarl as she shook some of the water out of her hair. DF just stood there, face perfectly blank.
"Sephy-sama?"
"Hmm?"
"We're girls. The water has no effect on us."
Sephiroth gulped and backed away another step.
"And that means I'm toast, doesn't it?"
"Oh yeah," Jessica hissed.
"Which do you prefer, Sephy...." NL said.
"Gunmetal grey or shotsilver?" SS finished for her. Four horrible ripping sounds later, the highest-ranking officer in SOLDIER was thoroughly cocooned in sticky duct tape.
"Time to head home," said DF, slinging the 190lb or so man over her shoulder with no problem at all. "You guys went a little overboard on the taping, though."
"Aw, DF, you always want to conserve tape," SS teased. "Saving it for lean times?"
"Well, I guess that's it for today's show, then," Jerry sighed, then headed for the Final Thought stool.
"Uh-oh," NL said, dropping Cloud on his head. "Somebody stop Jerry!"
"Who's got the last bottle of Junseyko water?" DF asked.
"I do!" Jessica said, pulling out the water. She strode confidently towards Jerry, unscrewed the cap, and upended the bottle over his head. Poof!
"Hmm.... what do you think? Jess said, scratching her head.
"Could use a little work," said NL as she made a face. "Obviously Jerry Springer was never meant to be female."
"Obviously Jerry Springer as a guy didn't wear enough makeup," said DF before turning a decided shade of green.
"I christen thee Jerry Ann Springer!" SS laughed and hauled Vincent upright by the collar of his cape.
"What??" Jerry Ann said. "Get me a mirror so I can see!"
"Um... no. Bye!" DF trotted out of the stage door, followed by SS carrying Vincent, NL pulling Cloud along by one spike (accompanied by much muffled screaming) and Jessica dragging Reno.
"Well.... umm," Jerry Ann turned to the camera and made a pained smile. "Tune in next time for GWing Men and the Women Who Love Them! I have a feeling we'll be seeing those girls again...." The camera panned out, the audience cheered, and then the TV feed went black.
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And so ends my very first fic!! =^.^= Compliments - err, I mean comments are welcome!
