By Nipala

Nipala: Long, long ago on the planet of…does it have a name?

Sephiroth: I'm not sure I approve of this fic…does it have a name?

Nipala: (gives him a shut-up-and-be-quiet-before-I-smack-you-upside-your-little-grey-head look ) Anyway…Sephy was just chilling in the Northern Cave drinking Coffee and writing poetry when-

Sephiroth: …I was skiing.

Nipala: No you weren't.

Sephiroth: Yes I was.

Nipala: NO, you weren't.

Sephiroth: YES, I was.

Nipala: NO YOU WEREN'T!

Sephiroth: YES I WAS!

Nipala: You got a problem Sephy??

Sephiroth: Maybe I do.

(Nipala and Sephiroth stand toe to toe, right in each other's faces. Unfortunatley, Seph is just a wee bit taller than her)

Nipala: (sulks) Fine, you were skiing.

Sephiroth: (beams)

Nipala: (sighs) So anyway Sephy was skiing inside the Northern Cave, when suddenly his PHS rang. It was Tifa asking him to-

Sephiroth: Kill Cloud-boy so we could run away together.(grins)

Nipala: (getting irritated) No. Cloud and Tifa were going out that night, so they needed a baby-sitter for their little boy…*squints at script* Squall Junior?? O-kay.

All the others were busy, except Yuffie, and she was definitely out of the question. So Sephy was a desperate last resort.

Sephiroth: (polishing Masamune) Squall Junior….haha! We will rule the world together! I will teach him EVERYTHING he needs to know to take over the world, and side by side, we shall CRUSH the worthless humans like so many ants under our boots!

Nipala: ….he's only 5.

*At Tifa's house in Nibelheim*

Tifa: Now Sephy, I left you all the emergency numbers and all that crap, and if there's any trouble, just beep me.

Sephy: Beep….you…?

Tifa: I meant to page me.

Sephy: Haha, page you, of course! Why did I not think of that before?

Tifa: Errm, okay.

Cloud: Wahhh….(drool trickling down his mouth)

Sephy: What's wrong with him?

Tifa: Mako poisoning again. (shakes head) I tell him, I tell, him and I tell him, but he just won't listen! He still says (imitates Cloud's voice) "Now Tif, lighten up. I bet there's a lot of fish inside this mako pit!" His idea of fishing is tying ham to his sword and sticking it in the water. And he took it just a step too far, when he used Aeris as bait. Personally, I had no problem with that, but apparently she wasn't too fond of that idea.

Sephy: (blinks) …so what happened?

Tifa: Well, Aeris hit him in the head with the Princess Guard, knocking him out. One thing led to another and we found him washed up in Mideel.

Cloud: It's…it's coming!

Tifa: Suuuurrrrreee it is, Cloud. Bye Sephy! (Takes Cloud's wheelchair and they exit the house.)

Sephiroth: Where's that brat? (sees a little kid watching TV on the couch. He grabs the remote and switches of the television. The two just sorta stare at each other for a moment.)

Squall Jr: ….

Sephiroth: Aren't you gonna say something, kid?

Squall: …Momma Tifa told me not to talk ta strangers! Ya ha, that's what she said. She did alright!

Sephiroth: I'm not a stranger. I'm your trainer, Sephiroth.

Squall: (pulls on one of Sephy's bangs) Well, you look strange. Are you a circus freak?

Sephiroth: (fuming) …freak??

Squall: Can ya juggle for me, Sephy?

Sephiroth: SEPHY?? You dare call me-

(But before our poor friend can finish his sentence, he falls victim to a 5 year old hurling encyclopedias in his direction him at an alarming rate.)

Squall: Juggle, Juggle, Juggle!

Sephiroth: ( lying underneath the weight of 76 Britannicas.) …ow…my legs…I can't feel…my legs…

Squall: I'm hungwy!

Sephiroth: Oh, shut up.

Squall: But I'm hungwy!!

Sephiroth: Shut UP!

Squall: (Jumps up and down on the sofa) I'm hungwy I'm hungwy I'm hungwy I'm hungwy I'm hungwy!!

 ( Sephiroth uses mind control to make Squall Jr. float aimlessly in mid-air, while at the same time hurling the books into an un-named corner in the room)

Squall: Let me down! (Begins to cry) MOMMA!

Sephiroth: Now, will you listen to and obey my every command?

Squall: (bawling) NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Sephiroth: I'll take that as a yes. (drops the kid)

Squall: I'm still hungwy!

Sephiroth: (rolls eyes) Fine, a light snack, but then the SOLDIER training begins. (with the flick of the hand a McDonalds Happy Meal appear in the corner of the room)

Squall: (jumps up and down like Selphie) Yay! (runs to the happy meal, only to find an apple….and NO TOY. O_O *gasp*)

Sephiroth: A soldier must have a lean and healthy diet. Chicken Mcnuggets don't fit in that category.

Squall: (looks at apple for a moment, then hurls it a Sephy, or more specifically, his perfect hair, the shot leaving a well sized dent in Sephy's ego as well)

Sephiroth: AH! My hair, by beautiful hair!!! You little punk! (gets ready to cast super nova but thinks: Oh man, I'll NEVER score points with Tifa this way)

Squall: Let's watch TV!

Sephiroth: (thinks) Fine. (Might as go well along) What do you want to watch?

Squall: Pokemon!!!

Sephiroth: Pokemon!!???…excuse me for a moment. (runs into the bathroom and bawls.)

(After a short hour, he returns)

Sephiroth: (his hair also fixed) Now…what did you want to watch. I don't think I heard you correctly (I hope).

Squall: Pokemon!!

Sephiroth: No.

Squall: Pokemon!!

Sephiroth; We're watching Dawson's Creek, and that's final!

15 minutes later…

Squall: Oh, no, Team Rocket! Ain't this great Sephy?

Sephiroth: ZZZZzzzzzzzz

Squall: SEPHY!

Sephiroth: AH! (Sees Squall Jr. and screams) Oh my God, you're still here! (cries) Why?? I thought was a nightmare…a horrible nightmare. I'm going insane! (grabs Masamune, and burns down the rest of town)

(On TV)

Ash: Pikachu, get us out of here!

Pikachu: Pika!

(Walks back in smiling and tries to shut the front door. Unfortunatly a dying woman is clinging to his boot)

Woman: Help me….

Sephiroth: (Shakes her off) Stop following me, die with dignity already!

Woman: (dies)

Sephiroth: (muttering to himself) Crazy, crazy Nibelheim folk….

Aeris: (walks in) Hello Sephy ! (Looks confused) Why is almost everyone dead??

Sephiroth: (nervous laugh) Why, spontaneous combustion, of course! (shrugs) It happens.

Aeris: (smiles) Oh, okay!!

Squall: Are you a stranger?

Aeris: (kneels down next to him) Hello, there! What's your name? Mine is Aeris!

Squall: Aeris?? Mamma told me about you! You're a bad person! (slaps Aeris)

Sephiroth: Haha…maybe he doesn't need training after all!

Aeris: (smiles softly) Oh I know you didn't mean that! (moves closer) Can I have a hug?

Squall: (kicks her in the shin) Help me, Sephy! I think she's trying to steal my boyfriend, just like she stole momma's!

Sephiroth: My pleasure. (holds masamune up to Aeris' throat) You don't know what a boyfriend is do you?

Squall: No…

Sephiroth: (sighs in relief)

Aeris: Help me!

(Tifa walks in with Cloud )

Tifa: Sephiroth, what are you doing?

Aeris: Oh, Tifa, thank goodness! Save me, Cloud!

Cloud: Black…materia…

Sephiroth: I was, umm…

Tifa: Gonna kill Aeris?

Sephiroth: (bows head) I'm sorry Tif-

Tifa: HELL YEAH!! Let's do it together Seph!

Sephiroth: (smiles) Okay!

(Sephiroth holds up Aeris while Tifa puts on her Premium Heart and unleashes a flurry of punches and kicks on Aeris' little body until she is nothing more than a bloody heap on the floor)

Sephiroth: Cloud's not gonna like it…

Tifa: Screw Cloud. Let's run away together!

(Sephiroth and Tifa exit the room, leaving Cloud and Squall Jr. all alone)

Cloud: Wahhh…

(Outside)

Tifa: Umm, Sephy??

Sephiroth: Yeah?

Tifa: Why…are all the townspeople dead?

Sephiroth: Uh…

THE END

Author's note: Okay, that was pretty pointless. My first comedy I've posted on the internet, so go easy on me. Comments, Questions, etc go to Brittnie01@aol.com

Please mail. I'm almost always on the net, so chances are I'll reply right away.