Wild ARMs: Off on a Tangent

By: Chibi-chan

Part 6: “Who Wants to Marry a Drunken Sea Captain?”

*

Only one person left in town… the second seal is broken… “Elmina, let’s go to the place of the last seal. We have to protect it from the demons or all they’ll need is the Tear Drop to revive the demon queen…” Cecil said solemnly.

“Exactly what I was thinking, princey,” Elmina agreed. “Hey, mousie, which way to the next pyramid?”

“Um… east, I think,” Zed said, “but…”

“But?” she asked.

“But should we go? I mean, everywhere we go, trouble happens. If we go, we could jinx whatever luck the statue’s had for staying intact!” the Wind Mouse said.

“We can’t just sit and do nothing!” Cecil said in a sudden outburst. “If we do nothing, it’ll get broken anyway! At least if we go, it won’t be destroyed without a fight! More importantly, we’ll never find Laine and the Tear Drop if we just stay here! Now let’s GO!” Cecil then rapidly went in the direction of the next pyramid.

“You just don’t get it, do you…?” Zed muttered as Elmina rushed to catch up to the Champion of Justice wannabe.

*

A mysterious blue-haired figure stood before the cocoon tube. “So, Mother, when you awaken, will you finally realize my true worth and let me do some of the strategizing and give me some decent missions to do?” the figure said. The figure turned its back on the tube, “Or will I just be ignored and abused again as always?” The figure took out a small pocket watch. “They’ll be needing my services soon; I should get ready,” the figure said.

*

So, the last statue’s on that ship… How am I going to get aboard to protect it? Laine thought as she looked at the statue from the dock. She suddenly felt someone tapping on her shoulder. “Yes, may I help… YOU!” Her voice seemed to have gotten several decibels louder upon recognition of the person.

“Thought you lost me at Cage Tower, hmm?” Boomerang asked.

“A girl can dream, can’t she?” Laine told him.

“So, you wanna get on that ship, right? Just leave everything to me,” he said in a tone Laine didn’t particularly like. He took his leave, leaving Laine to wonder what he was up to…

*

“So, she’s here in town, you say? Cecil asked a figure in black armor. The figure’s wolf companion looked at Cecil as if it recognized him.

“Yes. She’s at the docks. If you hurry, you can catch up to her,” the figure said. He turned toward the entrance/exit of the town. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Crystal Bud to capture…” The figure started to leave with the wolf.

“Wait a minute! Who are you? Why are you telling us this?” Elmina called out to the figure.

The figure stopped. “Just call me Boomerang, and I have my reasons for telling you…” he said without looking back and resumed walking with the wolf.

“Strange guy…” Zed muttered as he watched Boomerang’s retreating form.

*

The docks were particularly busy when Cecil and Elmina got there. “Great, we would get here at a time like this,” Cecil complained. Fortunately, the task of finding Laine was soon made much, much easier as the two heard a familiar female voice yelling.

“For the last time, I only wanted to know where your stupid captain is! I do not want to ‘have a good time’ with you!” Laine yelled at the sailor that was now at her feet. With her newly acquired Prism Ray ARM pointed at the horny sailor, she said, “ Either tell me where I can find him or go bugger off!”

“Th-th-the bar! He’s at the bar! Now please don’t shoot me!” the sailor said. The sailor then scrambled to his feet and ran away.

Laine put the ARM away and shook her head. “Nothing can ever be easy for me, can it?” she said to no one in particular. As she walked away to find the bar the captain was in, she passed by Cecil and Elmina without even noticing either of them.

The two travelers were a bit stunned. “That was Laine? She actually looked like a girl this time…” Elmina commented.

Cecil nodded in agreement. “Hey! Laine! Hold on a minute!” he called out to her. Laine stopped, looked in their direction, then took off running in the opposite direction of them. “Hey! WAIT!” Cecil called out again before running after her.

*

“Miss, can I help you with something?” the traveling storyteller asked Laine as she hid behind him.

Laine didn’t answer him. She remained perfectly quiet until she heard Cecil’s voice rise and fade. “Is he gone yet? The blond guy?” she asked the storyteller (who I shall call “Bill”).

“He is, but I’m not, Laine. You have some explaining to do, little lady,” a familiar female voice said from behind Laine.

Laine jumped. “El… Elmina?!”

Elmina made Laine turn to face her. “Were you expecting maybe Angol Moa?” she said, smiling.

“Hey, don’t forget about me too!” Zed chimed in.

It was made evident that Laine was terribly uncomfortable. “I… uh… gotta go somewhere… bye!” she said in a soft tone was she tried to escape from Elmina. Too bad for her that was the time Cecil found her as well. Crap…

Although it was him Laine stole from, Cecil seemed genuinely happy to see her. He even hugged her, although that perhaps was just a way to keep her in one place. “Laine, why are you always running away from us?! We’re not trying to hurt you, you know! All we want are the Tear Drop back and some answers…” he said to her, still tightly hugging her.

“Uh…” Laine quickly decided to change the subject. “I found the last seal. It’s on a ship at the docks…” she said.

Cecil quickly let go. “On a ship? Well, then, let’s just go and…”

“Cecil, it’s not that simple getting on the ship. Boomerang said he-“ she started.

“Boomerang? You know that guy?” Elmina said, not exactly surprised.

Laine nodded. “You’re met him too, I take it.” She whispered to Elmina, “Isn’t he just plain infuriating?”

Elmina shrugged. “Not from what I’ve seen so far. He was the one who told us you were at the docks, then he left, saying something about a ‘Crystal Bud’,” she said. Laine said nothing, but gave the distinct impression that she was quite annoyed. “Oh, I see now; he’s only infuriating to you.”

Laine turned around. “The captain of the ship is at the bar. We might be able to convince him to let us aboard,” she said.

“Well then, let’s go pay this captain a visit,” Elmina said, “but be careful. I got a bad feeling about this…”

*

The instant the trio got to the bar, Boomerang stepped out of it. “There you are! C’mon, I need you in here and FAST or you won’t get your chance to get aboard the ship!” he said. He then ushered Laine into the bar. Although puzzled by how Boomerang returned so damn fast, the others followed them in.

Inside the bar was a bunch of drunk people, which was rather sad, seeing it was only noon. Boomerang led the group to a table where a particularly drunk man holding a lovely crystal flower sat. The man was carrying on about a stupid bet and marriage. “This is the captain of that ship you want to board. He made a bet that he could get that flower and propose to his sweetheart. I got him the Crystal Bud (for a price), but he doesn’t have a sweetheart.”

“Who’d he bet against?” Laine asked.

A humanoid duck entered the bar and walked toward the table. “Him,” Boomerang said, pointing at the duck.

“A Water Duck? I thought those died out long ago…” Laine muttered.

“Yeah? Well, people thought my kind did too. Shows how much people know,” Zed said.

“So, Bart, you get the Crystal Bud yet?” the duck said, then it laughed.

“Yes, I did, Drake. Care to smell it?” the drunk man, now identified as Bart, said was he waved the flower in front of the duck’s face.

Drake’s jaw dropped. “Y-you got it…?!” he stammered. He quickly regained composure. “But you still don’t have someone to marry your ugly mug!” The duck laughed again.

“Are you blind, man? He’s standing before ya!” Bart said. He then pulled Cecil to his side.

Boomerang gawked. Laine just looked puzzled. Elmina walked a little bit away from the scene with Zed and both began laughing like idiots. Cecil was too stunned to do anything. “HIM?!” Drake said in disbelief.

“I guess you’re surprised because he’s not up to your standards, having two legs and all,” Bart taunted.

“Well then, see you at the wedding,” Drake said. He left, laughing all the way.

“Looks like I misjudged him… Still, I thought he’d go for you anyway, seeing as you still look like a man in drag, Laine,” Boomerang thought out loud. He was soon cussed out for his little train of thought by an annoyed Laine, who once again showed off her impressive vocabulary of swear words and things that just aren’t fit to print.

Cecil finally regained his senses and pushed Bart away. “Just what the hell do you think you’re doing, buddy?!” he yelled at the captain.

“Eheh, sorry, but you were the closest…” Bart said. He looked to the door and sighed. “Looks like my big mouth got me into trouble again… I gotta lay off the booze.” He paused for effect, then started speaking again. “Anyway, we must put on a wedding!”

“What?! No way! I refuse to get any further involved in this fiasco! I gotta think about my reputation and all,” Cecil protested.

Laine innocently asked, “What reputation?” Cecil glared at her for that comment.

Elmina returned to the others and said with a laugh, “Oh, but you’ll make such a pretty bride, princey!”

“Oh yes, what a sight you’ll be! All the other brides in the world will be jealous of you!” Zed added, still snickering.

“Need someone to do your make-up, Cecil?” Laine asked, giggling a little herself.

Needless to say, Cecil was starting to get rather angry. “Will you all just stop it?! I am not getting married, especially not to a drunken sea captain! No way, no how!”

Boomerang said, “Isn’t it customary to hold the ceremony on one’s ship, Captain Bart?”

Elmina and Laine looked at each other, then both looked at Cecil. “You’re going!” they shouted in unison at Cecil.

Cecil tried to protest. “But…!”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s not going to be a real ceremony, just one that looks like it to fool Drake,” Bart told Cecil.

Laine whispered to the prince, “You do want to protect the statue on his boat, don’t you?”

Cecil hung his head in defeat. “When does the ceremony begin?” he mumbled.

*

“I have to wear a WHAT?!” Cecil exclaimed as he read up on the rules of sea ceremonies.

Laine looked over his shoulder at the book. “A wedding dress? That’s odd…” she said softly.

“Well, looks like I was right abut you being a bride, princey!” Elmina said, still terribly amused by all this.

Cecil glared at the warrior woman. “Elmina, shove it,” Cecil grumbled. “I can’t believe I got into a mess like this!”

Zed shook his head. “I told you we were headed straight into more trouble, but did you listen? Noooooooooooo! No one ever listens to the mouse…”

Boomerang entered the room, holding a wedding dress. Lucied followed him in carrying a bag in her mouth. “The captain said to deliver this to you,” he said plainly.

Cecil practically leapt out of his seat upon seeing Boomerang. “YOU! If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be in this mess!” Cecil said as he walked up to the bounty hunter and gave him a push.

“If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be on this ship. That is what you wanted, correct?” Boomerang said calmly.

“But not like this! Do you have any idea what it’s like to be in my position right now?!” Cecil ranted. He then pushed Boomerang again.

“I would suggest you stop doing that, short stuff, or I’ll be forced to retaliate,” Boomerang warned Cecil.

“’Short stuff’?! Why you…!” Cecil said before everything went black.

Laine casually put aside the book she had picked up and hit Cecil with. “This is no time for a fight. Jamie, just give that stuff to me. I’ll handle things from here,” she said. Boomerang was a bit annoyed at being called “Jamie” again, but he just shrugged and handed her the dress. Laine took the bag from Lucied and petted the Guardian. The bounty hunter and the Guardian then took their leave.

“Was hitting him really necessary, Laine?” Elmina asked, looked down at the KO’ed prince.

“I suppose you had a better way to shut him up?” Laine asked.

“Point taken,” Elmina said. “By the way… ‘Jamie’?”

“Don’t ask,” Laine said.

*

It was three A.M. and Cecil still couldn’t sleep. Partially it was because of the little “nap” he was forced to take thanks to Laine and a book, but mostly it was because Cecil couldn’t stop thinking of the fake wedding ceremony that would be taking place in the morning on the ship. He sighed as he continued staring at the ceiling from the bed they had assigned him on the ship.

“oog…” a voice from the hallway moaned. “I hate boats…”

Cecil got out of bed to check on whoever it was complaining. “Laine? Are you OK?” he asked the complainer, who he obviously recognized as Laine.

“Yeah,” she said weakly, “a little seasick, but OK…”

Cecil blinked. “How can you get seasick not more than a foot out on the water?” he asked, very confused.

“What can I say? I’m special,” she said. “What’re you doing up? Can’t sleep?”

Cecil nodded and stepped all the way out of the room. “Could you sleep if you knew you had to even pretend to marry that idiot in the morning?” he asked her. “Sometimes I just wish I could have something close to a normal life, instead of actually living out one of those ‘save the world from such-and-such’ stories…” he added in a drastically softer tone.

“I don’t know about that first part, but… I wish that all the time. I… I don’t think there’s a way to live a normal life now…” she said before looking away from the prince. “Maybe if I hadn’t found those research notes Grandfather had, but…”

“Research notes? What do those have to do with anything?” he asked, the hope of getting some answers out of her welling inside him.

“It’s not important. What’s important is that I’m not like regular people,” she said. An overall air of depression seemed to fill the hallway.

“Well, neither am I,” he told her. “Not only am I the prince of the last surviving kingdom, but I also hear the voices of the Guardians, which means I got a lot of responsibilities and duties I never asked for and really don’t wanna bother with… ‘You’re the prince, you have to stay with the people,’ ‘you have to do this or the world will end, Innocent One’… Feh. Father, Stoldark, they can all jump overboard for all I care,” Cecil grumbled.

… boy, and I thought I had problems, Laine thought, At least I still care about what I’m doing. She moved closer to Cecil. “Cecil… Don’t you care about anything?” Cecil, for once, remained silent. Laine moved even closer. “Cecil?” Again, no response.

The reason for the silence was that, for once, Cecil was actually taking time to think about a question. What do I care about? I spent so much time looking for you, for answers, for… Gee, she’s awfully close. I wonder what it would be like to hold her, to kiss her, to… He started to blush a bit. “Laine…” he whispered.

“Hmm? Yes? You have an answer?” she asked. By now, her face was mere inches from Cecil’s.

“I… I… I… I, um, gotta go. Good night!” Cecil stammered, then fled to his room and shut the door behind him.

What’s his problem? Funny, I thought for sure he’d mention giving the Tear Drop back to him at some point… Laine thought. It was about that time she realized she was still on a boat. Her face turned an interesting shade of green and she sought out something to throw up into, for puking in the sea would most likely bother Lucadia, the Guardian of the Sea.

*

Sometime in the early morning…

“You’ve got to be kidding, mousie!” Elmina said. “HE ran away from her?! Impossible!”

“Nope, no fooling. Guess His Highness got intimidated by something or other and fled like a scared rabbit,” Zed told Elmina. “All this time he looks for her and he’s too scared to show her he cares as much as he does.” He paused for a moment, then asked, “You’re not gonna tell him we knows this, are ya? Knowing I was in the hall with them when that took place might make him not trust us as much as he does.”

“Nah, this wedding thing is a better thing to hold over his head anyway,” Elmina said with a laugh. “I’m gonna go wake up the blushing bride to be now. Care to come with me?”

“Well, it’s better than staying in here. It smells like dead fish in this room!” Zed complained as he took his usual perch upon Elmina’s shoulder.

*

The wedding of the century was underway! Meanwhile, back on the ship, the ceremony had begun. The prince was a vision of beauty in the wedding dress he was made to wear. Laine and Zed fought hard to keep a straight face during all this. Elmina, although the most amused by the concept, seemed to be spacing off…

*

Two familiar figures were sitting on a bench in the middle of a snowy town square. “Hey, Garrett, you wanna get married?” a younger Elmina asked a blond man in the attire of a Fenril Knight.

“Married? Why?” the man, Garrett, asked.

Elmina shifted to face Garrett. “Well, you’re the one who keeps saying you’ll ‘love me ‘til the end of time’ and all that other sap, so I thought you’d be all for it,” she said.

Garrett faced Elmina. “But marriage… It’s a really big step, ya know? It’s not something we should rush into.”

A higher-pitched voice chipped in its two cents. “Yeah, and besides, what the hell am I supposed to do if you two get married? I have enough problems with where to go when you two wanna fool around already!” A little white and green Wind Mouse poked its head out of Elmina’s pocket. “Can we go inside already? I’m freezing my tail off out here!” it whined.

“I thought I left you at home, you little twerp!” Elmina chided the mouse.

“You thought wrong then. Don’t you know? You can’t escape the Mini-Macho Man!” the mouse proclaimed.

“Nor his habit of giving himself nicknames too, right?” Garrett said with a laugh.

“Damn straight-“ Zed caught himself and said, “ HEY!”

*

“You may now kiss the… er… bride?” the man conducting the ceremony said while giving Cecil an odd look.

Please, please, something happen so I don’t gotta kiss him, please… Cecil thought. His wish was granted as a blue-haired man with a Wind Mouse-like tail in pseudo-ninja gear dropped in. Thank you, Guardians!

The man spoke. “Allow me to introduce myself to you simpletons. I am Excellent Soldier Intelligent Hanpan, and on behalf of Zeikfried, I will destroy the Guardian Statue aboard this ship and smite all of you!” He drew a sword and struck a dramatic pose, his long braid flying as if it were caught up in a strong wind, even though there was none blowing at the time.

Zed muttered, “Perhaps he should lay off the Sailor Moon manga…” which prompted a snicker from Elmina.

In traditional anime style, Cecil took off the wedding dress in one motion and was instantly in his usual attire. “There’s only room in this town for one ‘Champion of Justice’ type, and that’s me!” he declared.

Laine and Elmina went up and joined the prince. “Just how did you do that change thing?” Laine whispered to Cecil.

“That… is a secret,” Cecil whispered back. “Now, if you’ll just go away quietly, we won’t have to hurt you,” he informed Hanpan.

Hanpan boasted, “You? Hurt me? We’ll see about that! As a feared warrior of the Demon Race, I’ll give you a Y2H you’ll never, EEEEEEEVER, forget-”

As Hanpan proceeded to do his bad Chris Jericho impression, Cecil glowed a dark purplish black as he cast his spell. “Valkyrie!” he shouted, sending the Multicolored Disco Balls of Doom ™ at Hanpan. The effect was that of shooting at the feet of someone in a western. In short, Hanpan danced, pardner.

“Hey! This isn’t fair! I let you finish speaking without attacking!” Hanpan protested, “But if it’s a fight you want, I’ll be happy to provide you with-“ A couple of shots went to the left of his head. “Now stop that!” he yelled at Laine.

“You still have a choice, mouse boy,” Elmina said to Hanpan, holding her sword at ready, “Either know your role, shut your mouth, and go away quietly, or we will, to put it bluntly, ‘layeth the smacketh down on your candy ass’. So, what’s it gonna be?”

Hanpan got on tip-toes and looked over the heads of all those there. “I guess I’ll go for now. Oh, and you’re too late, simpletons.” He disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

The trio looked at each other, wondering what Hanpan meant by too late. Suddenly, it hit them. “The statue!” they said in unison. They made a mad dash thourhg the small crowd to the other end of the ship only to find a man with long blond hair holding a scythe. The man looked at the statue.

“Three… two… one…” he said. The top half of the statue slid off the base and hit the floor. “Zero. Can I time these things or what?” he said, proud of himself. He turned around and faced our heroes. “I see Hanpan did his job as a distraction. Still, I would have thought he would have bought me more time to admire my work.” He smiled at them. “It’s cute how you try to win, even though the odds are against you,” he said.

“We ain’t lost yet, buddy!” Elmina said in an equally arrogant way.

Zed chimed in. “Yeah! We still have something you need, so there!” Zed blew raspberries at the man.

“So, if you don’t mind, I don’t think you were given permission to come aboard!” Elmina said. She drew her sword and lunged at the man. He easily parried her attack and sent her flying back.

“Was that supposed to be a <Fast Draw>? Boy, do you suck at it!” the man said. “Well, my lady, you may have something we need, but not for very long. I, Lord Harken of the Quarter Knights, assure you that.” He then pulled a reverse drop-teleport move off and disappeared.

Laine was at Elmina’s side. “Are you hurt?” she asked.

“Nothing injured but my pride,” Elmina said. ‘Lord Harken’? He seems familiar somehow… she thought.

*

Laine, Elmina, and Cecil were on the docks. “The last seal… now all we can do is protect the Tear Drop…” Cecil murmured. “Laine, can I have the crystal back now?” he asked her.

“I guess so…” Laine said softly. She reached for her travel pouch, but it wasn’t there. “Oops, guess I left it on the ship. I’ll be back…” She ran back on the ship. It was about that time the ship started leaving the port. By the time Laine got the travel pouch, the ship was already a ways out to sea. “I’m… stuck on a boat?! Oh no…” she said. Her face immediately turned a fascinating shade of green as she rapidly came down with a bad case of seasickness.

Elmina turned to the prince. “Well, looks like we’re gonna have to track her down again.”

Cecil sighed. “Yeah… back to the drawing board,” he muttered.

“That ship’s headed to Rosetta Town,” someone from behind them said. The two turned around and say it was everyone’s favorite punching ba… er, bounty hunter, Boomerang. “From my sources, there’s no other ship going there for a couple of weeks. There is, however, a ship going there in a couple of days from the port of Yard. If you use the Naga Pyramid south of here and go through the Sand River, you can catch that ship.”

The two blinked in confusion. “How do you know that?” Elmina asked.

“One, I asked the man who was a list of what ship’s going where, two, Lucied here told me about the pyramid, and three, I just know my geography well,” Boomerang said, “It’s no big deal.”

Cecil turned his attention to the wolf by Boomerang’s side. “Lucied, hmm? Is that why you looked like you knew who I was, right?”

No duh, genius, Lucied said directly to Cecil’s mind. Stoldark’s right about you being rather dense. Still, I think you have much potential.

Cecil rolled his eyes. “How many times have I head that before?” He shook his head and said, “No matter. Let’s just go and catch up to Laine if we can.” He obviously didn’t realize which direction he was walking in, for he ended up walking straight off the dock and into the water.

“And he’s the only one to hear the Guardians?” Boomerang asked, looking down at the prince.

“Yeah. Scary, ain’t it?” Elmina said.

*

End Part 6

Chibi’s notes:

B#, A minor, G. *rimshot* Sorry, but I don’t have anything interesting to say about this.

Rudy: Like you did before.

Shouldn’t you be reading bad fanfics somewhere, Roughnight?

Rudy: You mean you don’t count this? *WHAM!*WHACK!*WA-TAK!*

Why do I get stuck with the smart-ass version of Rudy?! WHY?!?