HTML
ok i'll admit it has it's uses but it is extremely complicated when you start off. i haven't used this stuff in almost three years and the few tricks i had picked up are gone completely. what had been nice and simple has gotten so involuted its rediculous. html, java, meta; how am i supposed to keep all this straight. and worse still i can see that i need to learn a lot more code if i'm going to get this done. guess it goes to prove, there is no rest for the weary.
College
college sucks. and no i am not just a disgruntled freshman I am a very disgruntled student. What is the point to these insipid classes, why do i have to learn to appreciate the feelings of community to be found in a book about a plague in algeria I couldnt care less about it what it boils down to is they assign all of this crap to us just as busy work to distract us from our real classes this way we screw them up and have to be here even longer feeding them yet more money. and for that matter why is it we have one choked down t1 line but the school can affor a new 15 lane pool and for security to drive around in new jeep grand cherokees with leather interior and rosewood paneling. how am i to take this place seriously with such blatant frivolities abounding as they say we can't afford _____ and will have to raise tuition. bah! screw it all.Power Flicker
My eyes burn with fatigue, how long have i stared at this screen the wanderings of this lone warrior have gone on for ages. The barrels of his machineguns seem to actually smoke for a few moments as there is a lull in the fighting, the endless constant fighting. Whoever programmed this level must have been insane, the enemies keep coming. A teleporter? Not another one, I'm already lost beyond measure. What the heck sure. What's this...the exit?! After so long this is a blessed sight to see. Slowly I push the character towards the blessed gate...at long last I can save and quit this blasted game. Someone is talking to me I stop to be polite, then it happens...across the floor the power fails. Wails of anguis rise up from all corners as papers are lost programs interrupted and most importantly game data is destroyed. Someone will pay for this horrible crime...they will pay most dearly....apathy
kinda odd when you think about, writing about apathy, but i felt the need to vent. letely it all seems rather pointless, that being life in general. we sit ni classes listening to people we have little or no respect for rambling on for hours on end and it does us little good. very few of us actually listen to what they have to say. we think of parties coming or gone, how drunk or high to be later, how nice it would be to get with that hot person three rows over. what we never consider is that while were doing this we might be missing out on something. why? we dont care. my generation being those currently in college or about to enter in the year 2001, we really dont care about school. weve been here too long by our reckoning and need to relax. i have always been very in to my studies and worried about making the grade and what not, but this last semester i have come to grips with the fact that, college is much like high school. their are still the mindless jocks, still the very attractive girls that would never notice me and i probably wouldnt be able to stand for seven minutes, still the petty disputes, and of course; i am still the outsider among outsiders. what was the point then? why have i invested so much money and time, burning hundreds of gallons of fuel to get here just to waste away in a new morally devoid festering pool of hormones? why did i leave the one i knew and hated? i feel no independence that many said would be here, i dont even feel the pressure of these "grander horizons." all i can tel thats different is that i am now completely alone. cut off from those few that i could relate to mentally. gone is the conversation that kept me sane in high school...my comrades in arms scattered to the winds. my family has been cut off from me as i never really liked phones all that much and especially dont like wasting money on calls from wisconsin to southern illinois. i walk about this new domain in a quiet haze taking it all in slowly and despondently. what had been hoped to be a new beginning a place to bring focus and purpose to my slowly deteriorating life has only served to seperate me further from a life i could stand. some have told me that everything would be better if i did like the others. i should drown myself in a sea of alcohol and mind altering drugs, having sex with any and every girl i can. but wwat would be the point in that? what would that prove? joining the herds of mindless cattle that graze here wouldnt prove anything but that i was as weak as they. who knows what time will tell? whether or not i hold against this hellish existence or simply allow myself to be overwhelmed. in the end, will it have mattered? or will i have just been another face in the crowd? only time will tell.
back at it again
and wouldnt you know it first place i go is the rants. well i suppose that maybe its cause i know that if you come by here you all know that its the place that gets changed the most so you think to look here right. well thats hoping anyway. back to the matter at hand which is the course of current events. youre prolly all dieing to get caught up on things. well I recently procured a new computer for myself and the old one is relegated to the position of footstool and network gaming platform, after all with a nonfunctioning modem thats all its good for right? well i just love my new athlon more than any computer ive ever had to work with, and windows 2000 is so much better than anything built on the 9x kernal as you all know, if you didnt i just told you and ive got no reason to lie to you.
hehe
so anyway im thinking to myself what do the kids need to know other than ill hopefully be up and tinkering around here again soon. well i guess nothing at the moment as none of it matters. well im off to ponder what to change.
Retro Writings
thats right kids these are old musings of mine from a dark and disturberd part of my life. included with them is an aproximation to the date i wrote them. enjoy in bad health, they arent very happy.
Confusion in my Despair
I can still here it.
The mocking laughter that tumbled from my ‘friends’ lips.
Her voice echoes in my mind and I wonder,
Why did I trust her?
It claws at my mind like some parasite eating it’s way free.
I feel it deep within sowing fear and doubt
and still I ask,
Why did she choose then?
Her advice seemed sound, her logic true.
All failed me in the end.
Was it planned from the start,
all a trap to kill what little hope I had.
And then came the final twist of the knife.
Jokes and jibes, the mocking laughter
my other ‘friends’ joined in.
Sometimes when I wake up in a cold sweat
with that laughter echoing in the recesses of my mind
I still cry out in confusion:
Why?
written June 2, 1999
Love after Loss
I look out on the setting sun and know despair. The all-encompassing dark of night spreads across the world quenching all light. I feel it’s cold probing fingers in my breast but all is dark within, my dreams crushed, hopes dead. A spark it finds but can’t extinguish. Encased in diamond hard and pure the flame of love burns still. Despite rejections and hardships it flares brightly driving out the dark. The soul stirs breathing new life into the long faded hopes and dreams. The pain was harsh and cruel but life continues and as the sun rises I lift my voice in triumph, I survived, I still feel, love is out there waiting raising it’s voice to meet my own.
written June 4, 1999
Back to Heck With You
