Your Movie Sucks: The Day After Tomorrow

I admit it, I kinda wanted to see The Day After Tomorrow when I first saw the trailer.

• Sure, it looked like a special effects ridden rehash of "generic disaster movie that's been made a thousand times before,"
• Sure it stars Dennis Quaid, a man who has earned a bizarre fame in spite of the fact that he has never picked a decent script in his entire life.
• Sure, it revolves around a ridiculously unrealistic plot concept that could never happen under any possible circumstances.

Ok, so maybe The Day After Tomorrow wasn't shaping up to be so hot from the get-go. I was experiencing a moment of unrepressed joy and hope for mankind for a few brief moments. Sue me. Then in the last seconds… the preview stabbed itself in the jugular:

Ouch.

Roland Emmerich, you awful, awful man, we meet again.

Now ID4(as all the "cool" kids like to call it), while by no means a good movie, wasn't all that terrible as far as poorly written summer blockbusters go. It definitely had a few elements that brought out a sort of child-like glee for me:

Huge explosions,
the death of Randy Quaid, and of course
the government of a crumbling United States unquestionably allowing the President to hop into a fucking fighter jet for a suicide mission.

Also, it starred Bobby "Bring them Son's of Bitches Down" Fucking Loggia. That's a plus to any film.

The problem is this. The words on the screen may read: From the Director of Independence Day, but that's secret code for:

Yes... Godzilla. Let's leave his other llama shit like The Patriot out of this.
Godzilla 1998. One of the worst Hollywood Blockbusters ever.

I'll pause while you are forced to remember it.

This "man" managed to ruin a story based on a man in a rubber suit who kicked over cardboard buildings.

The original "films" are classics that were produced for roughly the price of a shitty used car with a dead baby in the trunk. (Get it? The dead baby makes it worth even less than just a lame ass car! Huh? Guys? Fuck you people, my rapier wit is lost on you.)

Emmerich was given millions to make a Hollywood version and he fucked it up. What went wrong? Ferris fucking Bueller that's what! They switched the focus from an ass stomping monster, over to a guy who WILLINGLY puts his dick in that razor-sharp chinned whore-beast, Sarah Jessica Parker.
That's it.

It's important that we all understand this. We as viewers shouldn't be tricked into going to see any more of this man's eyeball raping cinema catastrophes again. In fact, here, print this bumper sticker:

It should fit nicely on your car… right next to that stupid fucking "Terrorist Hunting Permit" that you think is so damn clever.

That's all I'm gonna say about it. I'm not going to see The Day After Tomorrow, because Ferris Bueller and fucking Square Pegs may conceive a child. You shouldn't either.

-Scott