The Way Friends SHOULD end!

FRIENDS
Written by Scott Meaney

Joey
Boy, I sure am dumb… yet attractive to women! Thank god we decided to take this trip to a meat packing plant. Right Chandler?

Chandler (sarcastically)
No, you are not dumb.

Joey
Wow! Really?

Chandler (sarcastically)
NO you dumb ass! I am so filled with rage about The Whole 9 and 10 Yards being theatrical war crimes.

Joey
Huh?

Chandler (sarcastically)
DIE! (throws Joey into a giant machine that slowly slices his legs off.)

Joey
I am dying! (We watch as he dies.)

Chandler (sarcastically)
I am watching you die! (Chandler joins us as we watch him die)

Title Card: Meanwhile…

Courtney Cox
I am so not attractive!

Rachel
Yes, I am hot and you used to be fat.

Courtney Cox
Why did I eat so much.

Rachel
Because your father fingered you when you were a baby!

Courtney Cox
Hey! That's mean!! I am hungry and not attractive! Do you think there will be an Ace Ventura 3?

(The ceiling suddenly and without reason, becomes a horrific deformation of human flesh, bulging out larger and larger into a puss filled sack, ready to burst.)

Rachel
What is that!? (vomits... blood!)

Courtney Cox
Sigh… what has become of my life

(suddenly the sack erupts filling the room with a disgusting, chunky fluid. Chandler flies down from the center, hanging from an umbilical cord)

Chandler (sarcastically)
DIE! (He cuts off Courtney Cox's head. The head hits the puss-covered floor, rolls over to Rachel's feet.)

Courtney Cox's Head
Thank you, Bhaal the god of thunder and earth, for your mercy. I will do your bidding

(The Headbegins eating Rachel starting with her feet. Since she is only a head, she just chews and the bloody remains fall out the bottom of her neck. This looks a lot like a really violent Pac-Man.)

Phoebe
OH! Corpses eh? I am a free spirit, and thus rather than horrifying, I find this titillating

Chandler (sarcastically)
Did you just say titillating?

Phoebe
(slips in blood, then her head explodes!)

Chandler (sarcastically)
This is great. Die Will and Grace and Dharma and Greg!

Will and Grace and Dharma and Greg
How did we get here?

Chandler (sarcastically)
Oh no! A kill-saw!

(Then the greatest invention EVER, a flying buzzsaw, goes by at fucking turbo speed, chopping them all in half)

Title Card: "Meanwhile back at his home"

(We see the guy who plays Ross, naked sitting at his breakfast table. A close up of his eyes with a single tear rolling down his face. The table is covered in old newspapers, a bowl of Cheerios… and a revolver. Ross clenches his eyes.

Fade to black.

(GUNSHOT)

Green Day's Time of Your Life plays.