Humor

Types Of DMs

Munchkin - "Having slain the hordes of Azoth single-handedly, without even unsheathing the Sword of Universal Destruction, your half grey elven/half gold dragon 50th-level paladin/MU/Cleric/Monk/Bard gazes down upon the pitiful Cthulhu who grovels at his feet..."

Monty Haul (variation on the Munchkin, but characters tend to be lower level) - "You are each granted one wish." "I wish to have the hand and eye of Vecna." "I wish to have the flask of Teurny the Merciless." "I wish to have..." "Poof, they appear in front of you. Now what do you do?"

Whining Munchkin - "But, but, you guys CAN'T do that! It's my only dungeon! Waaaaaaaaaaail!"

Killer Munchkin - "You guys are dead."

Killer - "As you pull aside the tapestry, a green slime jumps upon you from behind it, killing you... nope, no `to hit' or saving throw allowed, it says so right here."

Executioner - "A hidden blade slides down the doorway, mincing the two fighters and the cleric. The thief gets nine crossbow bolts in his back, and the magic user is hit by an intense beam of light, burning a hole through his head."

Troublemaker - singles out one player and continually hands him/her notes which read "Don't let anyone know there is nothing on this note."

Cheater - "I don't care if you hit on an 18 LAST time, THIS time you missed, and I don't want to hear another thing about it."

The Tormenter - "Are you sure you want to do this?" (could be a goblin with a dagger or Asmodeus behind the door)

Die Modifier - "Yeah, yeah, so you rolled a 20. You missed. Secret modifiers, you know."

Enforcer - "A blue bolt from heaven strikes Harold the Whiner, reducing him to one hit point. Anybody else got a problem with this campaign?"

Novice - "You rolled a 2 on your `to hit' roll. Did you want high or low?"

Verbose - "The door is solid oak, bound with 4 iron bands of roughly equal width, spaced equidistant along its width, and the wood is polished smooth, stained a dark brown, except for a small patch near the bottom which is blacker. The hinges are not visible from this side, but you notice the exquisite design of the lock, the faceplate of which is a starburst design, edged in gold or maybe polished copper or brass, it's kind of hard to tell with the torchlight, but the knocker is definitely cast iron and you see..." (sounds of snoring from party members)

Poker Face - "The slave you rescued courteously accepts your offer to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her..."

No Poker Face - "The slave you rescued, hee hee, courteously accepts your offer, snort, to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her, hah hah... boy are you gonna get it now... giggle..."

Timid - "The orc hits you for 4 points of damage, if that's OK with you, Steve. Really, you've got 17 hit points left and he has only 2, so you'll be okay, OK?"

DePalma school of blood and gore - "Your magic drill cleaves the demon's skull in twain and it literally explodes, spattering everyone with blood and brains. An unsightly green ichor drips from your face as you watch the smoldering corpse churn before you like a baby in a blender and finally settle into a puddle of vomit and excrement..."

Gibson school of writing graduate - "The view in the crystal ball was the colour of television, tuned to a dead channel."

Vengeful - "You won't go out with me Saturday? Okay, all of the were-rats attack Christine."

D&D'er - "The 100 peasants beat at your fighter ineffectually with their sticks and pitchforks until you have slain them all. A heroic effort on your part."

Anti-D&D'er - "The 100 peasants overbear your fighter with their great numbers and, unable to move under the weight of their hordes, you squirm helplessly as they pry open your field plate and skewer you like a lobster. You die an ignoble death."

Stickler For Detail - "Taking into account atmospheric conditions, the acceleration due to gravity, the low drag coefficient of your greased plate mail, your high dexterity, the gold in your backpack, your associated credit rating, the eggs you had for breakfast... and the average number of chickens who would remain inside the coop on a warm day, you have to roll 13 or better to survive the fall..."

No Originality - "It's a quest, see, you're trying to take this ring to Mordor, to drop it into a volcano to destroy it. No, no, honest, I thought of this campaign myself..."

Leading and Overbearing - "You pump the bartender for information and he tells you about a red dragon's lair to the west." "Too risky. We go to hear rumours somewhere else." "A man offers to hire you to clean out a red dragon's lair for him." "We say `no, thank you' and leave for the next village." "On the way to the village you stumble onto a red dragon's lair..."

Schmuck - "Oh. Can someone really do that? Okay, I'll let you have a 50% chance. Oh. Okay, 75% then."

Ghoul - "That's the 17th character you rolled tonight? Muahahahahahahahahahah!"

Absolute Monarch - "The huge Red Dragon CAN fit through the little hole, 'cause I SAID SO!"

Unimaginative - "You walk into the bar and see thirty mercenaries all wearing scalemail and carrying longswords. They all sit at seperate tables."

Design Zealot - "I just need another 15 minutes. I only have 3 more levels to populate."

Page Last Updated Friday, January 19, 2001