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The Super-Class of 2003 - April 22, 2002
By Devin Goodman I've been wondering something for years, now. How does the rest of the class of 2003 have so much free time? Now, I work at a pizza place for mere four hour shifts, five days a week. When I work, I have approximately two hours of free time, in which I must eat, do homework, and still find time to relax with something I enjoy. Meanwhile, the rest of the class works more than I do (for better wages, as well), goes to school, and has as many extracurricular activities as the school allows. All this is done with ample time left over for homework, food, and recreation. After thinking about the subject for five minutes, I've discarded the theory that they just stay up until midnight, or later, and developed the perfect solution: the rest of the class of 2003 has superpowers. Now, I can hear you saying that it's very implausible, but I've learned from the mistakes of every UFO, Loch Ness Monster, and Bigfoot sighting, and have irrefutable proof. So, without further delay, my badly put together arguement: Example One: The alter ego Nearly every student at my school, it seems, is an idiot. Avoiding the fact that they probably are idiots, I cite the example of Superman. By day, nerdy reporter and all-around country boy, Clark Kent. By night, or whenever Lois Lane falls off a building, buff, witty, Superman! This proves that even some of the most badass superheros will purposely act like total goofs to protect their sectret identity. Therefore, it's possible that my class actually has a shred of intelligence, but is only acting. Example B: Speed The very reason for my idea that the class of 2003 has superpowers, I believe that my superpowered classmates have super-speed. It's a well-known fact that all superheros have super-speed, even when they're not supposed to. Just watch Justice League, and you'll notice that the Green Lantern flies as fast as the Flash runs, as does Superman. Therefore, the superpowered class of 2003 can get their leasure activities done by using their super-speed. Example III: Lack of supervillains I've noticed that, in the seventeen years that I've lived here, there hasn't been one supervillain. This city barely has any petty thugs! Metropolis and Gotham City are crawling with evildoers. Even Smallville had a taking-over-the-world scheme or two within its city limits. But in Denver? Not a one. Not that I'm complaining, but it's kinda suspicious to me. My theory is that Denver is flagged as a supervillain no-go zone, as there's an entire graduating class of superheros. Seriously, would you rob a bank in a city with 200 superheros? Example 4: Costumes Correct me if I'm wrong, but high school kids have some of the most outlandish clothes on the planet. My school is definately no exception. We have kids with mohawks, kids with chains, kids with chains in their mohawks... A friend of mine has a pair of pants with a 36 inch waist... and 32 inch pant legs. In comic books, clothes that weird usually spell out "superhero" in big neon letters. Consider Superman, once again. He wears his briefs, dyed bright red, outside of his tights. Maybe, as high schoolers are some of the laziest people on Earth, they just don't change out of their costumes. So, I rest my case. The graduating class of 2003, with the exception of me, have superpowers. Look for an update in this article once I get my hands on either a doomsday device, or some kryptonite. |
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