Mood:  don't ask

Originally posted on December 6th, 2003

God DAMN! I could just kill someone!

Mike and I have been getting on great since my last entry. Couldn't be happier, he's been so nice and so cheerful. Role play has been so totally awesome. Mike even got his Vesz'aun picture. Everything was going along so well.

Thursday came and he informed me he was leaving Friday to go to PA without me. I was sad, but okay with it, I'd be staying at my mom's until Sunday. I was so happy for him, he was finally gonna go home and see his family. Sure I'd miss him but he needs this and this time alone.

I'm really getting sick and fucking tired of God's testing! Christian's can bite my ass for that statement and I'll get judged for it later when I'm dead but oh well can't take it back.
5:00 pm I call my mom ask her if she wanted to go with me and Mike out to eat, she said yes. 5:24 pm she called back to cancel, Grandma had a stomach ache and didn't want to drive at night so Mom took her to patient first. 5:45 pm Mike goes to pay this months rent and get us food. 5:50pm he comes back rent paid but informs me the car is dead..battery shot. my reaction was total despair, so much so that while he went into the bathroom, me like a total wimp and crybaby choked on sobs.

He comforted me but that made me cry all the more because I know his heart was hurting and me the useless twit I am, could do nothing.

Even now after we ate and I watched the Matrix Reloaded with him, as I'm writing this, broke into tears again. We called my mom but she wasn't home I just hope she can get here in the morning and jump start him so he can still hopefully go. I want this for him more than I ever wanted anything. I best go now before I depress myself further....

Mood:  a-ok

Mike and I talked..finally. We agreed we still loved each other and wanted to make this relationship work. We just need a lil time to ourselves during the day besides work and napping time.

I'm ok with that.

Thanksgiving wasn't half as bad as I thought despite few of my relatives were there. Of course Mike and I ate too much, and despite the people not being his relatives either he seemed to enjoy it nonetheless.

He has been more affectionate lately, while still prone to angry outburts, they are not as bad as they have been. We made love yesterday so I'm not complaining! ::grin::

He still not in much of a mood to RP though but has watched me play he last few days. He likes D and Jen and does want to play, hopefully tonight if he's not too tired or too late to game with them. (we'll be getting home close to 11 pm est)

He'll be going to PA on Thursday, dunno if I'm going yet but the important thing is he's going. I couldn't be happier for him!

RP has been decent, made a few new friends, but still no one uses the message board. I wonder why?

D's character finally joined the campaign, I hope Jen will as well soon. It's good to have a friendly non competitive woman (ooc at least ;-) ) to hang with and enjoys RP as much as I.

That's about it..now back to webwork!

Mood:  blue

Originally posted on November 24th, 2003

I'm not a liar, I'm not a cheat and I'm not stupid.

I do something nice for a change and it blows up in my face. Now my so called fiance thinks I have another motive and "I'm not that kind."
Now he won't talk about it, guess we won't have sex ever again.

My motive was to let him sleep. I was going to go to bed by 1 am but I peed on myself, I didn't want to dampen the bed. He was tired he had hour of sleep. I called for him to get up, he didn't. I didn't feel like getting down, why because I didn't feel like getting down crawling to the bedroom and rousing him then waiting 10 minutes or more for him to put me back in my chair.
Also, I didn't want him to spend a half hour in the bathroom, only to come out check the web, check his mail and then go back to bed. I wasn't tired, I've been having trouble sleeping. Yeah I was role-playing, but he knew that when he went to lay down, but it wasn't the main reason I was staying up. The room was going slow and Jen fell asleep while playing.

Why haven't I told him any of this cause he's got the mind set that I did something wrong.
He doesn't really love me, if he did he wouldn't be insecure. He would TRUST me. So I lied to him about cybering 3 years ago, shows he never let it go, even when I did. Guess he feels like he needs to monitor my role-play. He never wants to RP anymore, he says he will every day now but we never do. The people I'm RPing with aren't strangers to him, geez.

He tried to throw me out of the house. How would you interpret "Stay at your mom's a few days, I need to think."

Why are we getting married?

I don't know anymore.

I love him with all my heart, and I'm trying to adjust and change some things about ME but apparently it's not enough, not for him.

Mood:  d'oh

Originally posted on November 18th, 2003

Well things are pretty much the same with me and Mike. No role play and no sex. I keep telling myself to have more patience, I manage it but I feel so lonely. No one else crosses my mind, I only want him. He's still affectionate with me though, and when he holds me of his own accord, I always feel better.

The wedding is coming up and I'm getting nervous. Nothing is done, I misplaced my planner and Mike hasn't reserved our place for the reception. What a mess. Guess we need to discuss the wedding very soon. The big day is 7 months away.

Anyway, enough of my worries. Anyone have a story line for a drow? Contact me. XullraeZauviir@aol.com

Mood:  happy

Originally posted on November 20th, 2003

Mike is not doing much better. Yesterday was a bad day for him. Seems a co-worker had a seizure, Mike was with him. Apparently hospital reports came back saying he had a brain tumor. This person's wife had died about a month ago, talk about Shit out of luck. It had Mike very upset, I told him to send a card. I feel sad about it. Makes you reflect on things you take for granted.

I comforted him and we ended up making love.

I never felt so alive! I know it was good for him too because he was lighthearted the rest of that evening and was the same in the morning even though he was late for work. He even said I love you first! I hope this lasts the whole day!

Maybe we'll role-play tonight. I really need to.

Tomorrow's topic will be about role-play!

Mood:  chillin'

Orginally pozsted on November 17th, 2003

Had a good weekend,

it wasn't great because Mike and I still were not intimate. We talked though and I knew I was right he misses his friends and doesn't want new ones. The adjustment has been hard on him, but is trying. He also admitted that he knows that I've been trying, that not being close is his fault.

He was very affectionate though, so I'm happy. I missed him more than sex anyway. He didn't go to PA but he is going in December and had a day to himself Saturday. He cleaned the house too so that put him in a good mood. This morning he didn't throw a fit about being late, so that was a major relief.

I just have to try to be more patient.

Role play has been decent but he still hasn't wanted to do anything with the campaign and he's always in a slump on the message board, but one thing at a time right?

He loves me, and he is coming around.

Speaking of the campaign, Scott was actually reading the logs and found them interesting, enough so that he asked questions (some I couldn't answer) and asked when we were going to game. I told him to write Mike and ask. Well he did asking over and over when we were going to game which cheered Mike up a lot! So maybe we will soon.

I have to get going with editing and writing down the site spell list.

Take care!

Mood:  crushed out

Originally posted on November 13th, 2003

Sitting here playing Double Solitaire and loosing. What fun... The gaming Message Board is going slow but at least it's populated now.

Mike at least seems in a better mood, but it will probably shift again when he gets home. I know he's homesick I just wish he'd quit taking every little thing and blow it out of proportion and then yell at me. Lately he's implying I'm useless and stupid, like he's great to live with as of late? I'm trying to be understanding and supportive but even that he throws in my face. I can tell he's trying not to at times, but what am I to do. I can't drive, I can't clean the house and even I try to help he says it does no good.
He always works the money is good but he's so tired and unmotivated, he never wants to do much when he gets home. Instead he either sleeps or works on the website. So what the damn site needs to be worked on! Is it more important than our relationship? I need him, I miss him. I try to be affectionate, stroking his arm, kissing his nose, holding his hand, he returns it ever so slightly, with a kiss back, a stroke, a squeeze a smile and a "hi babe" but he's missing my signals for intimacy.
Even if I verbally address it, usually at night before bed, he says he feels the same. Sex is supposed to relieve tension, but he always says stress puts him out of the mood,even on his days off he's so restless and snappish. I can't help but think he no longer wants me, that he wants me gone but doesn't want to say so. I have fleeting thoughts there is someone else, but my love and trust in him push that away.

He's homesick..it's understandable, I was too when with him in PA and I have been supportive, very much so despite him being unaware of some things. I planned for Dave to visit, it really helped him, I went with him to Neil's wedding in PA even though I was on my cycle and sick to boot. I went camping with him and had a decent time despite me hating camp life. I even asked Dave to send think of ways to help..and he responded with sending D&D stuff through snail mail so Mike got something besides bills for a change. I even went so far as to talk to his mom and discuss calling him once in a while. She did and he brightened right up.
I guess it's not enough, he needs to see them but can't really get off work to do so. He's a mail man with long hours working six days a week. He talks to some of his friends on line, so why is he pushing me away? Why is everything my fault? Why is whatever I do lately never good enough?

He is not a good communicator, and he is good at expressing sarcasm, humor and anger as emotions but others he doesn't show well or at all, so I'm having a hard time doing anything with him such as being affectionate, being intimate, spending time with him, cause I know he'll blow up on me.

I'm trying to be less demanding, and spiteful but his anger is hurtful and he's has gotten into such an emotional shut down that he's not giving me much to work on. I've been tying to be understanding and calm and sometimes I succeed, in which he'll calm down and act like nothing happened but I feel so bad afterwords.

I love him and I want this relationship to work. I want to marry him, I want to be the mother of his children. I hope he can go home soon, he truly needs it and maybe he'll miss what he has here in me. What if it makes it worse though? That's my fear but I have to let him go and let him make his own choices. Absence makes the heart grow fonder so they say. I know it does for me, always when we are apart over long dist aces like that, I yearn for him and can't wait to get back to him. I want him happy and if he's happier back home I will let him go, and see if I can help him transfer back there. I will go back with him if he wants me too. If not I will try to deal with that.

I pray he's not turning our love into a mission of obligation......

Mood:  not sure

Orginally posted on November 12th, 2003

Lisa here! (Not that anyone will read this stuff I'm sure)

I created this blog because Live Journal seems popular, and since I pay for this site this is a bonus option I get. Stupid? Cool? Doesn't matter to me. I'll be using this space as an outlet of my thoughts.

I don't have many friends, those I do have are married with families now and no time to talk leisurely anymore. The friends that remain are the ones on line, most of which I role-play with. I am not very good at verbal out letting, it's often stressful and my points get marred by confusion and anger. Writing allows me to release in a more mature and calm manner.

I used to write all the time, but for years I've been unmotivated. While this will not be used for true writing of stories or poetry, it will be to express my feelings and therefore may be long.

Why am I making this public? Well if outside views get too destructive I will make it private, it's that simple. I don't like to be one sided and others opinions may help me to see another solution. (HEY it's better than paying a doctor to hear my problems)

Friends and loved ones will be mentioned sometimes by name..other times nameless. I don't want the public to hound a person I'm angry at or vice versa because it fuels more anger.

This blog is mainly my thoughts on my personal life and gaming since it is a large part of my life. If you're mean to me I will probably be mean back.

So what is there to know about me? Well it'll be a short list.
1. I'm an adult. (23) graduated high school with honors (so I'm moderately intelligent) I started college but withdrew from stress and haven't been back since.
2. I'm physically handicapped with a condition called Cerebral Palsy. I am confined to a wheelchair. (if you want me details ask me)
3. I'm engaged to be married on June 19th 2004 to a man I think is wonderful.
4. I have no job. I get paid once a month with social security money. It's not enough to live on alone.
5. I have family that love me but they have their fair share of dysfunctions.
6. I read, write, play video games, build websites and role play as a hobby. So yes I'm creative.
7. I don't go many places because I don't drive, so I'm more or less a hermit. If that seems boring, sorry not much I can do my CP limits me in certain things.
8. I have two small dogs.

Thats me in a nutshell. If you want to see me, my fiance or my dogs, then please go here

I may right more later, I'm bored and tired right now, not to mention lonely. Guess I'll work on the Campaign site for now.

Toodles!