Mood:  irritated

Orginally posted on January 18th, 2004

As the title implies, it's looking like to be a bad day. Half the day is already gone and we have done nothing. I have a feeling nothing in the ways of site improvements or RP will be done today. It comes to know surprise, but it just depresses me that Mike is loosing his gumption. Maybe he'll surprise me though and get some things done today.

Although things do look grim, he's sort of a grouch today and blaming it on cigarettes.

Truly though what has me depressed is my caterer backed out on me, giving me some lame ass excuse, and now I'm stuck with finding someone else and the fearful job of telling Mike about it, I think I'll tell him tomorrow AFTER I talk to mom first.

I need to talk to Mike about the guest list, Dave gave me some phone numbers and addresses and Mike's mom is willing to help with that, she's also gonna call Mike's old clergy friend sometime this week. If he says no though..that's another thing we need to handle and find.

Literally 6 months before the wedding, and all the pressure is rising.

I feel distant from my RP friends, partially my fault, but they are not making an effort to salvage the distance either. I don't see why they have to have "you IM first" mindset. I have and they're not talking much so what's the damn point of me IMing first?
I know there is an excuse behind it like "I'm busy", "You were busy I didn't want to bother you", "I was waiting for you to IM me". Whatever happen to IMing someone just because regardless of what they are doing..simply because you, as a person, missed them?

I guess I'm not cool to hang around anymore because I do web work to make the site better, so more will want to join and help Mike to relieve stress?

Oh well, maybe things will right itself in due time and if not then things were not meant to be I suppose.

Now it's time to induct a new member to our group and hopefully and hopefully get to work and RP along the way.

Mood:  happy

Originally posted on January 15th, 2004

Again I haven't written in awhile, simply because nothing of worthy note has happened.

Mike, sadly is still in a work slump so there still hasn't been any role-playing going on. I told him this made me depressed and he nodded, undressed me for bed and stopped, he fully undressed me took me to the bedroom and we made love. The slow loving kind. It was so personal and tender that I cannot even write it down (which I'm sure folks who read this..if any are grateful) Of course afterward, we cuddled and THEN went to bed.

Today I'm rejuvenated enough to get some serious work down on the site I've been jotting down notes. There is a lot to be done. I was thinking of putting myself on a schedule..not too strict mind you, but something I can achieve and live up to.

First things first is to write down my schedule. I think I'll write it down in my notebook and the message board so I have two places to look and remind me.

Well I'm off to do my self appointed tasks!

Mood:  lazy

Originally posted on January 9th, 2004

Basically my day sucks with my mouse getting wet this morning..to Mike being late for work because of snow to him sleeping all damn night last night, I had to miss out on role play. I'm supposed to start my monthly friend today or tomorrow, could be why I'm extra moody.

I really don't feel like working on the site, but have nothing better to do. I wish mom would have taken the comp to Zeke, then I'd have games and whole mouse thing could have been avoided, but oh well.

I shouldn't write anymore, I'm beginning to depress myself. I just hope my life returns to some sense of normalcy soon. I miss the little things, but Mike is already talking about doing web work on Sunday. ::sighs:: Why can't he just stop just for one day? Is it too much to ask? He says it needs to be done. Is it really that important for his piece of mind..guess I need to ask him why.

Tonight will probably be a repeat of last night, I hope not though, I'm tired of giving up things I wanna do just to make him happy or avoid his stupid suspicious that I'm doing something behind his back.

Later!

Mood:  sharp

Originally posted on January 8th, 2004

Sorry haven't written in a while. Not much to tell except to say it's been 10 days since Mike or I made love. I blame it on work. The hours are horrid and he's so tired that everything is suffering.
Our cuddle time, Role play, going out, and having fun in general is obsolete

I'm not mad and I'm not complaining, but I am worried, worried about Mike. I actually understand how he feels and I know he likes it as much as I do which is not at all. So I'm not worried our relationship will suffer, because neither of us will let that happen.

This past week, we have both started to make plans for the wedding, like figuring out the food and started categorizing the wedding music. So I'm actually calm about Mike's sluggishness cause I know he cares.

We did finally see The Return of the King. It was great as expected but the ending was too long and drawn out in my opinion.
Our next movie goal is to see The Last Samurai, maybe we'll see it this Sunday.

We have busting our butts to revise the site and add to it. Going pretty good, please read our Announcements. This will give you a listing of the updates we've done.

Speaking of which it's time for me to get to work. Later!

Mood:  spacey

Originally posted on December 29th, 2003

Well this weekend was an interesting one. We still haven't seen Return of the King yet, hopefully we will some time this week. Mike wanted to work on and revise our Campaign Site. So we didn't get to see it this weekend.
We are doing pretty good on it, you should check it out. You can leave us feedback by e-mail or Message Board, tell us what ya think!

We watched part of the new Orphen, pretty funny so far!

Finally had some cuddle time then and that morning. ::Winks:: Love making was "unfinished" poor Mike got too short winded and congested. ::tries not to giggle::

That was all yesterday, Saturday was a different story.
Because Mike wanted to work on the site, we didn't role-play, but he was being stubborn and pissy so we didn't get to bed until 4am. With only 2 hours sleep, Mike was going to work but like usual he did not put the leashes on the dogs. After 10 minutes he got Babi back, but it took 45 minutes to find Ginger.
Of course he bitched and blamed me, I told him to leave her behind if he was so concerned with work, but his guilt and worry made him search for her.
Needless to say, I was terrified, I love Ginger, she's my girl, but she was found and Mike has finally broke down and started using the leash, which I'm glad for.

Soon after that I got on Utopia, to find out that I had been hit.
I was so tired I couldn't work on anything, took an hour nap. My Yu-gi-oh shows were all reruns and when Mike and I got home, we went to bed around 9:45.

So Saturday was a bad for me, but it got better by Sunday.

Lets see what today will bring shall we?

Mood:  surprised

Originally posted on December 26th, 2003

Well what can I say? We ended up opening our presents on Christmas Eve. Mike took me home yesterday, again he said he missed me.
The dogs missed us that's for sure!
Instead of worrying how long this "bliss" is going to last, I'm just going to accept what comes and work with it.

Mike and I have a week to compile some things for the wedding, to give to specific people. (Caterer, booking and things like that) He seems eager enough so I'm gonna take him up on it.
We started the Guest list, it looks like we'll have about a hundred people coming, maybe more, so we'll see!
I need to make a list of things to do.

As For Christmas I got:
Clothes
Junk food (Goodie bag)
Nickelback CD
FF 10
Gladiator (The game)
X-men 2
Pirates of the Caribbean
Money
Orphen season 2 volume 1
New Computer (For mom's house have to share)

THINGS MIKE AND I GOT AS A COUPLE:
Mugs
Flavored Hot chocolate assortment
Smoked Salmon
Fancy Christmas Ornaments
A Hershey hot chocolate snowman kit
A book on love
Cell phone
Our first cell bill paid
DVD Player
A White tea kettle

I THINK that's it!
Not too shabby eh?

Mike loved his gift..I got him the whole season 2 of Farscape on DVD..he got me the computer for Mom's house!

Well gonna get going and get some web work done.
Will be doing a website makeover after the holidays!

Tata!

Mood:  sad

Originally posted on December 24th, 2003

Well I went home to Mike last night, he said he missed me.
I guess he did cause he hugged and kissed me, talked about having kids, the wedding and even found my wedding planner I misplaced.
I was happy to hear those things, even him saying "I love you first" but I'm still scared he's gonna blow up again.

He's still sick, poor thing.

My Christmas is tumbling downward, Mike has to work today and Christmas and my mom too, so I dunno, I'm lonely. Christmas Eve party is at 2pm it's now 3 and still have no ride, oh well, it's too friggin early in my opinion anyway.

Hope Mike likes his presents if he gets to open them.

At least I have an excuse to eat junk food tomorrow so I'm trying not to stay depressed but look on the good things coming tomorrow!

Wonder what I received this year?

Mood:  not sure

Orginally posted on December 22nd, 2003

Mike is sick, has the cold or flu I think.

I dunno where our relationship is going, in 8 more days it will be an entire month since Mike and I have been intimate. Love making is obsolete because he's been depressed and so out of the mood for everything.

I'm at my wits end! I'm so angry and hurt, he's doing an excellent job of pushing me away. He wants to go home and his job won't let him, I cannot help that, I've been trying to be more supportive and helpful and all he keeps doing is worrying, complaining and criticizing.

Nothing I do is good enough for him, or the fact I am trying! I'm not trying hard enough for his liking, how can I, if I do one thing he says something nice and in a few hours or the very next day I'm shit because I didn't do something right, therefore I'm stupid and incompetent because I couldn't read his mind!
No he didn't say outright those things, but how would you interpret, you're smart, you should know or you need to start thinking for yourself and this one is flawless... You need to ask for more help Now keep in mind this is coming from the same man who told me that we both are relying on my mom too much, he meant my mom in the above statement okay?

Talk about hypocrite!

Or I need an aid? For what? So she can dress me for so he can go to work? Clean the house that HE junks up and lets it sit there for weeks? Hell no, he needs to take responsibility for his own shit!
My mom cooks us dinner almost everyday. So why do I need an aid when I'm over at my Grandma's nearly 12 hours a day? I need a chauffeur? Hardly. My mom takes me shopping on Saturdays MOST times. He says I need it for when he can't take me places, that's pure bullshit! Why? Because I want to spend time with him and when he and I go out together that's what I interpret as, we never go out anymore, so I don't know where he got the crack brain idea I need someone to take me places.

He's turning into a real asshole, one I do not want to marry, not if he continues like this. Yeah I'm not the boss, but I do not deserve to to be afraid of him, belittled by him, or have my confidence shattered cause it may make him feel better!

I understand his pain, but if he'd quit putting things off until the last minute, I wouldn't have to remind him or point out what he hasn't done.

True I can point out his faults and sometimes I do, never said I was always the nice person, but I've been trying to work on that. He thinks I'm selfish, I can be but I'm working on that to.

He says he's tired of doing everything around here? Bull he's paying bills and I always pay my share of the rent, he buys the groceries but mom and I shop for it and then she cooks it, he rarely brushes my hair, she does it more often then him now. I and grandma feed the dogs now. I get him out of bed, all he does is clean house (not regularly..only when it irritates him) and gets me dressed in the morning. Yes he sometimes goes out and buys fast food and he takes me to the bathroom, so the diswasher is broke, he can tell management they will replace it. So the clothes are dirty he can ask grandma can we come over and wash them, but I guess he wants me too. We still don't have cable but he won't let me know what hours are good, what days or even what he wants for cable, so am I supposed to guess?

Do I love him? Yes and I always will..but I do not want to trap myself into a lifetime commitment if he's going to verbally abuse me constantly. I love him not this stranger he's becoming though. Guess I'll have my ogre back when he gets to see his family that he doesn't write to or call though they've done both for him. Or until I change myself completely to suit his needs. Okay but I won't be reminding him of things anymore, won't even wake him up, I won't ask to RP or update the site, or to even have sex. I have my own responsibilities now, and I'm tired of doing things for him he should do himself, because he's thoughtless.

If he resents me so much now why was he so stubborn to move down here? I think he bit off more than he can handle, I told him what to expect when we moved but I guess he loved me enough then to try and for that I'll always love him. There is no easy way to break up, so I'm trying to brace myself for when it happens, he's done nothing to help for the wedding. His mother has, Dad and I agreed we would discuss it at Christmas.

Like I said I dunno anymore

Mood:  irritated

Originally posted on December 17th, 2003

Haven't written in a few days, because I lack the motivation.

RP has been decent despite lack of communication, glad to see Nate again, hopefully we'll see him around more now.

I'll think I'll finally break down and ask Mike to pack me some clothes, so I can stay at mom's a few days, he's been a complete asshole to me lately, which in turn makes me respond negatively to him or fall silent and take his verbal abuse to where I feel so small and useless.

Nothing goes right for him, when something fails, or isn't to his liking, I have to hear him vent, more often than not it's toward me.
I need a chauffeur
I need to do more around here
I need to help more, instead of sit there
I need to get him up earlier
I need to remind him of things..ALL the damn time
I need to stop what I'm doing and do something else.
I should just stay at my mom's like he told me to
I need to shut the fuck up

He's stressed out.

He's got to much to do

The above is the crap he's been handing me for a week now. It's the Christmas season everybody gets stressed. So the car still isn't working right, my mom offered to help, he didn't take it until the car died and was stranded.

Even as I continue writing he just blew up at me, demanding I drop I'm doing to repost the index page on the site. After I worked hours on that template, he doesn't like, didn't want to argue over it so I offered suggestions what he could do, ended arguing over it anyway.

I don't know anymore. Does he really love me, I'm beginning to doubt it, and asking won't help, if I have to ask I know the answer and if I have to truly ask there is no relationship, but where are we headed then?

Mood:  lazy

Originally posted on December 11th, 2003

Things are quiet around here. Mike seems to have recovered from not going to PA. He should be getting his mom's package in the mail today. I hope he can wait till Christmas to open it. Hehehe!

Role-play has been totally awesome but we've had to slow down so we could catch up on sleep. I hope we can make time to play tonight!
It's good to see Mike so hyped to play again. Now I just hope the boards picks up as much as the chat rooms are. I hope I can get the Vengeful Weave Inn done this week, so we can try it out in a room on Monday.

Mike and I hopefully will begin our Christmas shopping this Saturday or Sunday. It's creeping up on us this year!
Hopefully I can talk to dad this month about flower arrangements for the wedding.
On that same note I need to find my planner, hound Mike's butt about his side of the guest list and get him to book for the reception, so I can send out Invitations to his side next month. Maybe I can convince him this weekend, he has Monday off supposedly.

I also hope he can book the honeymoon next month. We plan to go to Disney, but you can't reserve until 2004.

Wish us luck, well need it!

Signing off.