Mood:  rushed

Originally posted on March 11th, 2004

Been a bit since I last wrote, not that anyone reads this stuff anyway.

For the last few days I've been too tired and worried to write..and before that was a week's vacation for Mike..so of course I took a "vacation" too.

The week went well, though it was strange..we did nothing but RP and web work. We didn't go camping and we didn't go to Pennsylvania. Mike seemed not to mind, we didn't talk about it. I just hope it doesn't bite us both in the ass later. It was his decision alone.

Mom fell of her horse while camping and fractured her back. Hence my worry and stress. She can't pick me up and she has a hard time dressing herself, much less me. I hope it will get better with time, but at this point..it's uncertain which has me afraid.

In other bad news I lost a filling in my tooth last Thursday and will be going to the density on March 23rd for them to clean and drill me. ::shivers:: They take my insurance so have to pay them by cash, hope we can afford it as I'm sure they'll have to drill more than one obvious tooth. I brush my teeth every day sometimes every other day..not as much as I should do and I haven't had a checkup in over 7 years. The reason: Because it's so hard to find a dentist under my insurance.

Needless to say I think I have at least 4 or 5 cavities, so the 23rd will not be a good day for me. I'm terrified of the numbness and pain, plus the gross stuff I know I'll have to swallow.

Maybe Mike will make love to me before then, I hope so, vacation was nice, he was a lot more loose and intimate.

Now time for me to try and catch up on some web work!

Mood:  lazy

Originally posted on Feburary 23rd, 2004

Not much to post, too tired or depressed (as some would call it) to do much. RP is still a no go, had a spat with D, but I suppose he's not overly upset as he still shows up on my list and I can still IM him.
Jen has been busy with work and when she's not she's playing with D, don't want to ask for an invite it's rude, and they never invite me anymore. Don't know what's up there.
Kel (dunno his name..maybe I should ask) has been busy too, but out of the others he seems the most interested.
Can't complain about Mike we got a lot of web work done yesterday but is not ready for public viewing yet. CSS is hard but on going. The best thing that matches what mike wants is Frames or Inline frames to make a "table" to make links stay put and on one page. He'll have a week off coming next Monday but I think he plan to go camping and go to PA (without me at my request to give him time to think) This will be the patch or breaking point of our relationship, so I have to wait it out and try not to think on it. For good or for ill I have to accept his decision.

We haven't been intimate yet but yesterday he truly did have a bad headache.

Trying to keep focused on the good things. I love him. I probably will write again if (and I hope) he goes to PA, I don't think things will drastically change from now till then.

Mood:  crushed out

Originally posted on Feburary 17th, 2004

Not much to say, my thoughts are too jumbled to be coherent.

Valentine's day was nice, Mike sent me roses a valentine's day bear and chocolates by mail to my mom's house. We went out to dinner and double dated with my mom and Zeke. Afterwords we tried to make love but Mike got frustrated and lost the mood. I tried to get him back in it but after a lil bit I lost interest as well. We were both tired.

Sunday was terrible, he was so damn blase all he wanted to do was sleep, after a severe explosive argument, we almost broke up and are still on that threadbare line. I told him in March to go to PA and think us over by himself and when he comes back to let me know if he wants to continue or not. He's depressed, there's not much else to say.
We kissed and I could feel him tense in a good way, he was hungry but reluctant. Afterwords we tried to patch things.
We RPed on the fly.

Monday was strange. We made love, first time got him frustrated again, after coaxing again it was awesome, but I dried up before he could finish, much to my dismay, but the act itself is what we both needed. We both avoided my dad who did not like the news we were waiting another year to marry.
Mike called around, ready to pay his debts soon, which irked him but afterward the day went by quietly and we gamed with Dave, Mike's DM. I believe it was fun for everyone.

Today he's back at work and I'm sitting here wondering if he's okay and what the night will bring. Through all this though, I still love him and always will, no matter what happens later or in the future.

Mood:  sad

Originally posted on Feburary 12th, 2004

I RPed with Kel, it was totally awesome! I hope he had as much fun as I did. Wonder if we can come up with plots to use when the group is together. However through the entire session and afterward, I couldn't stop thinking about Mike.

We used to have fun like that.

I ache for him, I made it clear I wanted him last night, but I was shot down. I let it go because he truly was frustrated and worried over his finances. So at least I know he is serious on wanting to get it fixed and get prepared for the wedding. I just hope he doesn't snap, blow up or give up on it.

I know he's trying, he's just so dead to everything else, I'm beginning to wonder if he'll ever be himself again. I don't think he understands that my joy is suppressed whenever he's not around (or is but not paying attention) I want him to have fun again and participate in things with me, or I him like we used to.

Again, I just have to be patient I guess. Hopefully he believes me when I tell him how much I love him.

Mood:  not sure

Originally posted on Feburary 9th, 2004

Haven't written in a few days, simply because I was preparing myself to recover so I wouldn't break down when I began writing my thoughts down.

Mike and I once again have not been intimate, but I'm getting used to that now, but I hope I don't get so used to it that I quit trying to have sex altogether.
No, my blow that I write today, is all my wedding planning has been a waste of time. I found out that if I marry Mike I loose my SSI and medical insurance. Defeated and utterly depressed I agreed to postpone the wedding for yet another year.

My fear is that a year will go by and he will yet again want to wait another year. However, I love him and will be patient. He says he wants to handle his debts now so when we get married he can handle paying the extra money my check provided. If it's not enough..I may have to work. He said he would do extra research for good insurance so I could possibly keep my doctors.

I just have to keep the faith and hope that he truly means what he says.

Role-play is dead. The campaign is at an utter standstill, if I didn't post on the board or add anything, nothing would be going on. However I did manage to get Mike to play something with me last night, I think he enjoyed it, I hope he did.

Today I finally wrote letters to say I wasn't getting married, each letter hurt, but I did it, now I just feel numb, all Mike informed was his mom, to which she hasn't responded. I dunno, I know it's silly but my first reaction was he didn't care, but I know that's not true.

I love him so much, I just wish I felt better about our decision and not feel like it was more his than mine.

I've been hurt and I need to stop pushing him away before I mess things up permanently.

Mood:  cool

Originally posted on Feburary 2nd, 2004

Well the gyno has not called and I have stopped spotting, but role-play has once again turned sporadic and intimacy with Mike and me are still in those week stretches.

He is trying though so I cannot worry to much. He still hinting that we should wait for the wedding, but I'm trying my best to push forward on it.
Me, Mike and mom went shopping for my dress yesterday. Mom plans to make it, we found the style we all 3 liked, now we have to figure the fabric and colors out. Satin was the choice but we couldn't agree on colors.
Mom doesn't want me to wear white (I'm not a virgin) and white does look horrible on me. However it would look like a ren faire or costume I'm wearing and not a wedding dress. I want to try for an off white or pale lavender color slashed with purple or lilac.

I've also talked to my cousin Bo's wife Crystal, she's been very helpful, so I'll see if mom and me or (Mike and I) can make phone calls this week.
I'm reluctant though as most want you to have the wedding and reception halls booked. My dad is in charge of that, the reception hall is marked for us, dad just has to change the times. As for the park, he may need a permit. I hope he calls this week with good news. Mike said if anything else went wrong we'd wait another year no exceptions.

I'm fuming over that, it makes it seem like he doesn't want to get married. He says he's worried over money, that if dad can't pay for stuff he has to. He has so much pride in not asking for help, I'm more than willing to ask my aunt's (my mom's sister's to help, if they say no then yes I'll consider postponing the wedding but not until then.

I don't even know if Mike is doing anything about his half of his guest list or even asking his friends if they'd like to be part of the wedding party. He's been so blah still, I dunno if I should let it lie or gently push him. He's making some effort, but not as much as I had hoped for.

Hopefully things will work out!

Mood:  spacey

Originally posted on January 29th, 2004

My doctor's visit went fine..except I bled afterwords which is strange cause it didn't hurt anymore than it usually does. I'm still spotting brownish stuff today but it doesn't smell and I'm not due on my period for at least a week.

I probably shouldn't worry unless they call. If anything is wrong they said they'd call. So I'll try to ignore my lingering doubts and fatigue until I get a call or don't.

I flipped through my wedding planner and made notes last night. I contacted some more friends and relatives today and see if they'll help me organize. If not I guess I'll have no choice but to postpone the wedding. Maybe mom and I can browse around for patterns to make my dress this weekend.

Mike and have both been tired so web updates and RP have been slow, though I hope he reviews those people soon, they've been waiting awhile. We watched part of the new orphen he got, we had a good laugh, hopefully we can finish it tonight.

Well I'm off to relax, don't feel too good, I wanna try to RP with Kel tonight, so better to relax now then later.

Mood:  quizzical

The weekend was great! Mike and I made love TWICE on Sunday, it was so wonderful. We nearly got snowed in though. Been having nasty weather for here, which has been strange in of itself.

In other good news, my cousin Melissa had her baby..11 pounds sheesh. His cousin is soon to follow in 7 months, Lil' Rocks woman is pregnant as well. I want to have babies! BUT I want to be married first!

Bad news:
I'm tired.
I got hit in utopia twice today.
My nose bled for no reason around 2pm. (just out of one nostril)
I don't feel good.
I have a gyno appointment tomorrow and I'm agitated, cause it's uncomfortable to go through..I'm not clean, and I don't think I'll get a shower tonight so I have to hope mom will give me one, though I'm sure she'll be irritated over it.

On a slight upside, Mike bought another Orphen tape but wants to postpone the wedding for another year. I feel like crying...

My emotions are so mixed up, RP has been good, but Mike still won't. Should I just give up and with them...my dreams of a family and having that special someone?

I wish my world would make more sense.

Mood:  not sure

Originally posted on January 23rd, 2004

Okay, now I'm thoroughly confused..Mike's talking about marriage again. He started it, he was telling my mom about what he'd like to see at the wedding, which was mainly her dancing. He also talked about the honeymoon. Later instead of questioning him about it, I pressed gently by asking questions like what kind of cake he wanted and who he wanted in the "bridal party" as grooms and best men. He answered both without reluctance.

I'm not complaining, but I am confused and not sure if I should be happy or worry if he's gonna pull the rug on me again so to speak.

Still nothing is done so I dunno, I want to scream in frustration, there's not much time left and no one is helping.

Anyway, I've still not role-played, it's not by lack of asking, I dunno my friends are either forgetful, wary or disinterested. I've been doing some web work. Even now as I write this I'm in angelfire but for 2 days while in the actual webshell it keeps booting me, making work slow and hazardous.

Guess I'll try again, wish me luck!

Mood:  sad

Originally posted on January 20th, 2004

Mike doesn't love me enough. He wants his friends and a "social life" I don't know what that means. He says it's you hang, talk and drink.

The same problems keep popping up, he's not happy here. He doesn't even know if he wants to get married anymore. I'm so crushed and he's so cold about it. He thinks it might be a mistake to.

We talked things over, but nothing is resolved. Even if he decides friends and home over me, he still has to wait a possible year for a transfer.

All I've done lately is for nothing. I'm going to stop this entry now, I feel sick and drained, I dunno how I'll get over this.