Three Insane Men

Three insane men walk out of a mental hospital hoping to escape.
The first says, "If there's a high fence, we'll dig under it!"

The second says, "If there's a low fence, we'll jump over it!"

The third says, "Well, we're out of luck, boys--There is no fence,"
so instead they just went back to their rooms.

The Quiet Burglar

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the
burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Hard of Hearing

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

Inside an Assassin's Mind

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises. So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go.

Noon comes, no dictator... 10 minutes longer... no dictator.

One assassin turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."

Gang of Robbers

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

Getting Older

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have
that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the
table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Strict Street Patrol

Paddy 'n' Mick join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody who's on the streets after 6 o'clock. So one day, they're out at twenty to 6, when Paddy spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked.

"What are you doin', Paddy? It ain't 6 yet!"

Magic Weapons

Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom

''This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die.'' Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out.

''Don't worry.'' said the man issuing them out. ''I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die."

Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said ''Bangity bangity bang!'' and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot.

Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn't die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were ''Tankity tankity tank.''

Police Wouldn't Listen

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

Shoe Shopping

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well... they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," he says.

Power of Persuasion

Schneider applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount.

"Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Schneider replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."