Things went pretty much the same way for about a month, until one day Crutchy came home to the Lodging House early. His leg had been hurting and he wanted to go lie down. When he didn’t see Shadow anywhere he figured she was sleeping, and had just lay down on his bed when he heard muffled sobs coming from her room. Cautiously he approached her door and knocked.
“Hey Shadow? You’se ok?” The crying stopped short, and then a tired voice said
“Is that you Crutchy?”
“Yeah, it’s me.” He heard footsteps and then Shadow opened the door. Her face was red and her eyes were puffy from crying. She looked like she was about to fall over. She left the door standing open and went back to lie on her bed. He came in the room and sat down next to her bed.
“What’s wrong? Ya feelin’ sick? Cause I can go get da docta…”
“No! I’m ok Crutchy. Ok for someone who’s dying…don’t you ever get tired of it?” Crutchy was confused. He wasn’t dying.
“Tired a what?” She opened her eyes and looked at him. To Crutchy she looked beaten, defeated.
“Tired of being tired. I can’t do anything Crutchy…I’m always tired, something always hurts. I can’t breathe, I can’t move…I can’t do anything. Specs comes to visit as often as he can but he has to sell papes sometime…I just want to be what I used to…who I used to. Look at me…I even look like I’m dying.” The tears came again and she rolled on her side so Crutchy wouldn’t see her sobs. But he knew. He reached out and gently rubbed her shoulder.
“Shadow, I’se been a crip since I was a little boy. But I rememba when I could run and do all da things wit’ all de odder guys…and sometimes I do da same thing you’re doin’ now. But ya know what? My leg and my crutch aren’t all dere is ta me…dey don’t make me anything. You’se still who ya were since you was born. You and me’s a lot alike…our bodies have decided ta give up on us, but we can’t let ourselves give up on us. Ya gotta have hope…it’s a good thing, and da good things neva go away.” Linnea sighed. She knew somewhere deep inside her heart that he was right, but she was too busy feeling sorry for herself.
“Crutchy…thanks but…I just need to sleep, please.” He gave her one last pat on the shoulder and walked out, closing the door softly behind him.
Linnea lay there thinking for a long time. She was getting sick. Really sick. She felt her face and even to her own touch it was burning. The world had begun to take on a hazy quality and she sat up. For some reason, she had a burning desire to see the Brooklyn Bridge right that moment. She got up slowly; testing the floor to make sure it was really there. Quietly she crept out the window and fought the rising blackness that kept trying to overtake her. She was so tired…
The walk to the bridge was filled with brightly colored spots in front of Linnea’s eyes. But when she got there and was halfway between Brooklyn and Manhattan, she was suddenly wide awake. There was a small boy being beaten by a huge one…she recognized the smaller boy as Pip, the smallest newsie in Spot Conlon’s gang. She figured that the older one must have been one of the Delancey brothers she’d heard so much about. She took off at a run, ignoring the dizziness and nausea that swept over her.
“Hey! Let him go!” The bully looked at her, surprised. “You heard me! Let him go! He’s too small to fight you and you know it. Now let him go!”
“I’ll let ‘im go if I can have you…you shoa are pretty. Are you dat little goil we heah so much about and neva see? Shadow? Well ya see, me and my bruddas kinda make it a policy ta get ta know all da newsies and dey goils.”
Her gall was rising at the thought of touching this person, but she couldn’t help it. She reached out and slapped him with all the strength she had in her body. She staggered with the effort and clung to the bridge railing for support. The bully took the opportunity to move in close to her and pulled her to him. With a horrific scream, she pushed him away. She noticed that the little boy was gone, she hoped to get some help. Everything was getting very hazy, and she hated to think what would happen to her if she blacked out. The bully moved towards her again and spoke.
“Ya know, dat wasn’t very nice. I think maybe I’se ought ta teach ya some manners.” He was about to reach her again when she heard Spot’s voice. The iciness of it frightened her even as relief flooded through her.
“Dat goil has more manners den you and yer whole family put tagetha, Morris. Now beat it, before we’se beat you.” Linnea turned her head and through what seemed like a telescope saw Spot and his gang. Morris saw them too and promptly ran away, shouting threats as he did. Spot motioned for the rest of his gang to go on their way and approached Linnea.
“Hey…what are ya doin’ ovah heah? Specs’ll be worried sick. But I gotta t’ank ya for helpin’ Pip out…he don’t know how ta fight yet.” Then he noticed her white-knuckle grip on the railing and realized that she seemed to be having trouble focusing. He looked at her strangely. He’d heard she was very sick, but if she was so sick, why was she all the way over in Brooklyn?
“Shadow…hey Shadow…you’se ok?” She was getting so sick of that question.
“Yes. Fine. I’m going to go home…” she turned to go back to Manhattan but made it only two steps before she collapsed. The last thing she heard was Spot calling to some of his gang and then he was beside her saying
“Ok…we’se gonna get ya back ta Manhattan.” Then she slipped into a welcome darkness that was closer to a coma than a normal sleep.
Specs paced around Linnea’s room. Crutchy had said she was sick and upset…but where on earth was she? The whole Lodging House was in an uproar. Just then he heard a commotion downstairs and ran to see what was going on. In the front hall he saw Spot carrying Linnea…and she wasn’t moving. The next hour was a blur of questions, half-answers, doctors, and an incredible fear. Finally Specs found himself by Linnea’s bedside. He was alone with her…the doctor had left and the rest of the newsies had gone downstairs to give Specs some time. He stared at her and was afraid to touch her. Her face was nearly as white as her pillow and she suddenly seemed so small…the doctor had said she had a very high fever and the flu. She hadn’t moved since Spot brought her in. Specs hung his head and for the first time in as long as he could remember, he prayed.
Linnea was floating. Then she was standing in the now familiar white hallway. She saw the line directly in front of her. She could see clearly what was behind the line for the first time. Her mother.
“Mother!” She ran towards her. But her mother held up one hand and began to back away. She said nothing, but shook her head and smiled. Then Linnea tried to run after her but the line formed a wall and she couldn’t pass. Then a red-hot pain took over her and she was burning…
For the next week, Linnea’s fever raged. She was delirious most of the time and on the rare moments when she wasn’t in the clutches of some phantom universe, she wanted Specs to read to her. And read he did. Even when she was delirious he read her poems and stories and newspapers and anything he could get his hands on. The newsies took shifts when Specs was sleeping. Linnea never seemed to get any better. She couldn’t eat and the only things they could get in her were little pieces of ice so she wouldn’t get dehydrated. She seemed to be shrinking away and most of the newsies had given up hope until one day her fever broke. Specs noticed that she was sleeping peacefully for once and her breathing was no longer ragged, but smooth and normal. He sighed with relief and suddenly exhaustion hit him. He’d only slept for about four hours the whole week and was now about to fall over. He leaned out the door and called to Jack.
“Hey Cowboy?” Jack stuck his head around the door of the bunkroom.
“Yeah Specs…need some more ice?”
“Nah…she’s finally sleepin’ all normal…and her fever’s gone. Could ya come and wait ‘till she wakes up? I’se got ta sleep.” Jack smiled.
“Yeah. You’se deserve it. I’ll come get ya da minute she opens her eyes.”
“Thanks Cowboy.” Specs switched places with Jack and told the rest of the newsies what happened. They all smiled and that night there was joking and laughing for the first time since she’d gotten sick. Deep down Specs was elated but he didn’t have the energy to be happy at the moment, so he went to sleep.
Linnea did recover, but she never regained the weight she’d lost and was never half as strong as she had been. Now most of her day was spent in bed reading. Somehow or another, she always found the energy to eat dinner at Tibby’s with the guys. Then she and Specs would go to Central Park and sit and watch the sun set. Then about a month later, she suddenly started selling papes with the guys all day. She denied ever being tired and Specs convinced himself she was looking better. Actually, Linnea had realized that the line in her dreams was getting closer every night and she didn’t want to spend the last part of her life in bed. So she fought the pain, she fought the fatigue, and most of all, she passed off the coughing and the specks of blood on her handkerchief as normal.
One evening Specs and Linnea were sitting on the roof as the sun set and Specs looked at her. The eyes that had first caught his attention seemed bigger now, and older. But they were still beautiful…and still so full of life. She was still very thin, but she was eating which he took to be a good sign. In fact, Specs thought she was doing rather well. He’d even allowed himself to hope now and again that she wasn’t really dying.
Linnea, however, knew otherwise. She didn’t sleep much anymore because she was always coughing. What little food she did eat usually ended up getting thrown up that night during a particularly violent coughing attack. And everything…absolutely everything…hurt. When she was alone she would give in to the pain and let it wash over her in waves so strong she sometimes nearly passed out. She covered it well whenever she was around any of the newsies, especially Specs. The only one who knew what she was going through was Crutchy. She felt Specs’ gaze on her and wiggled to get closer to him.
“Lin?”
“Yeah?”
“I just want ya ta know dat what you said about da shadow…it makes sense. And…whereva you are, I want ya ta know dat I’se gonna be right dere wit’ ya…just like you’se gonna be wit’ me.”
It was her turn to kiss him. Then they got up and were about to climb down the fire escape when he took her hand and kissed it like he had done every night when they used to go out before…it seemed like so long ago. Linnea’s eyes teared up…funny how such an innocent gesture meant so much more now. She smiled and led the way down the fire escape.
Linnea woke up slowly. She’d had the dream again, only this time there had been no line in front of her. There was only her mother with open arms. Linnea had run to her and her mother had spun her around in a hug and that was when Linnea saw the line. Behind her. She turned to her mother and her mother spoke to her.
“It’s all right hon…you’re with me now. Won’t we have fun again?”
“But…mama…what about Specs? And Annalesa and the other newsies? I forgot to tell them goodbye!”
“They mean a lot to you, don’t they?”
Linnea could only nod.
“Go say goodbye. I’m in no hurry. But come back to me tonight…promise?”
Linnea smiled. “Promise. I love you Mom.”
“And I love you.”
Then she woke up. She wasn’t surprised, not really. She’d been expecting this for a long time and it was almost relieving to know that it was finally going to be over. But Specs…she climbed out of bed and noticed how shaky her legs were. She got dressed and ran a brush through her hair, then went into the bunkroom. It was still dark outside, but she wanted to see the sunrise. She tiptoed over to Specs’ bunk and gently shook him awake.
“Specs…wake up…hey Specs…”
He rolled over and when he realized who was shaking him he was instantly awake.
“Lin are ya ok? Are ya sick?” In the pale pre-dawn light she looked almost translucent…her skin seemed to be lit from within with a pale light and her eyes seemed to glow on their own.
“No. Come on…I want to see the sunrise.”
Specs wordlessly got out of bed and pulled on his pants. Grabbing his blanket to guard them against the cool air he took her hand and led her out the window and up onto the roof. They settled down against one of the chimneys and Specs wrapped the blanket around them. Linnea snuggled into his side and they watched as the sky turned from gray to pink and then was suddenly on fire with yellow and orange and red. She looked up at him.
“Specs?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
“An’ I love you.” He bent down and kissed her then, his lips warm and soft on hers. When they broke apart the sun was all the way up and he noticed that she looked even paler than she usually did. She choked back a cough and his face instantly registered his concern.
“Come on…I t’ink you’se betta go inside.” He moved to disentangle them from the blanket but she put out a hand to stop him.
“No. Please…I’ll be ok.”
So they sat there watching the city below them come to life until they heard the other newsies moving around inside. Then they went in to get ready for the day. When Linnea had gone back into her room, Specs stood looking after her with a deeply concerned look on his face. Jack came up and put a hand on Specs’ shoulder.
“She ok?”
“I don’t know Jack…” his voice cracked as he tried not to let the tears go. “She keeps gettin’ paler an’ taday she woke me up ta see da sunrise…she’s gotten so thin…”
Jack looked at his friend sympathetically. Everyone knew that Shadow was dying…the fact was that Specs was making a huge understatement. Shadow now seemed to be just that…a small shadow that clung to Specs.
“I’m sure sorry Specs.” Jack couldn’t think of anything else to say so he gave Specs a friendly slap on the shoulder and walked off. Specs just stood there. Then he went to his bunk and pulled out the worn book of poetry he’d read to her during that week when he’d been sure she was going to die without waking up. He choked back tears for the third time that day. He put on his hat and went to wait for Linnea. She came out of her room ready to sell papers.
“You ready?” she asked.
“Yeah. Let’s go.” He put his arm around her waist and they walked to the distribution alley. The whole day Linnea laughed and joked with the other newsies as she sold her papes, but she was never more than a step away from Specs. She was only gone for lunch, when she said she had an errand to run. All day she had hidden the fact that her legs and hands were shaking and that she’d been coughing up blood. She’d turn away from everyone when a coughing attack hit her and just smile when they inquired if she was ok. But around three o’clock her head began swimming and dots floated in front of her eyes. She grabbed Specs’ arm weakly and managed to say
“Specs…help.” Then she collapsed and the next thing she knew she woke up to the sound of voices whispering somewhere near her feet. She realized that she was in her own bed and when she opened her eyes she saw Specs, Jack, and Kloppman talking to the doctor by the door. She could barely hear them but picked out the words “probably tonight” and “nothing I can do”. Suddenly she was afraid. She wanted to reach out to Specs but he seemed so far away...then the darkness tried to take over her again and she screamed…but it caught somewhere in her throat and instead came out a whisper.
“Specs…please!” She felt the tears streaming down her face and suddenly he was there and she was in his arms. He stroked the back of her head and murmured reassurances in her ear. Then she was coughing and he handed her a handkerchief and when she was finished and dizzy from the effort the white cloth was stained red.
Specs felt like someone had reached into his heart and begun to rip it apart one fiber at a time. All he wanted to do was cry until the pain subsided but once he saw the fear in Linnea’s eyes he knew he couldn’t. Not in front of her. So instead he devoted all the pain to love for her until he loved her so much that even that began to hurt.
“Specs…read to me.” her voice was hoarse from the cough but still she managed to smile for him. He nodded.
“Shoa.” He reached for the book beside her bed but there was a light tap at the door. He looked to her for permission and she nodded. He went to the door and after a brief conversation with Jack he went back to Linnea. He stroked her forehead and said
“Hey Lin…the guys, dey want ta come and say…well dey wanted ta talk ta ya and…”
“Specs…” she interrupted, “I know. I want to say goodbye to them too.”
He nodded, afraid that if he tried to speak the tears would break through. He nodded to Jack and one by one the newsies came in and said a few words to Linnea until the only ones left were Spot, Jack, Annalesa, and Crutchy. Spot came in and took his hat off, a rare gesture.
“Shadow…you’se da bravest goil I’se eva known. Take it easy kid.” The tears in his eyes spilled onto his cheeks as he walked out of the room. Linnea had been trying to say something to each of the newsies, but she was so tired…so very tired…so now she simply smiled and hoped they understood how much she cared for them. Jack and Annalesa came in next. Jack’s arm was around Annalesa and it was obvious that she had been crying.
“Shadow I ain’t good at good-bye’s…but you’se a great newsie and I’m proud a ya.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead, then moved back so Annalesa could talk to her.
“Shadow…Lin…I…” Annalesa couldn’t say anything through her tears and so just hugged Linnea for what seemed to both of them like and eternity and one single second at the same time. When they broke apart, each girl’s face was bright with tears. Linnea reached for Annalesa’s hand and gave it a feeble squeeze.
“G’bye Anna. And thank you.” Annalesa had to strain to hear the words but nodded.
“Goodbye Lin.” She and Jack walked out together and then Crutchy came in. Linnea smiled weakly. As someone had said, you couldn’t help but smile when you were around Crutchy.
“Heya Shadow.” He grinned his characteristic grin but in his eyes was a sad look than Linnea had not seen before. “T’anks a lot for showin me what was what…I ain’t neva gonna forget ya. I’se gonna miss havin’ anudder crip around though.” He looked like he was about to say something else, but then shook his head and said “G’bye Linnea.” He was almost out the door when he turned back around and pulled a card out of his pocket. He held it up and she could see it was the Queen of Hearts.
“Race asked me ta give dis ta ya. He said ya desoive it.” He left it on the foot of the bed and walked out. Linnea couldn’t hold it in anymore and let the sobs course through her body. Specs was there holding her and still he forced his tears to stay hidden.
“Specs…I don’t want to…and I’m scared…”
“Shh…just t’ink a yer ma. She’s waitin for ya. And it ain’t foreva…you’se gonna be wit’ me every time da sun shines.” He tried to smile, gave up, and paused. “Want me ta read ta ya now?”
She nodded. Specs closed the door and picked up the book. He took a deep breath. Just get through it…she needs ya now. He opened the book to her favorite poem and began to read. His accent gave the words a familiar quality, and Linnea’s fears disappeared in the sound of his voice.
“She walks in beauty, like da night
Of cloudless climes an’ starry skies;
An’ all dat’s best of dark an’ bright
Meet in her aspect an’ her eyes:
Thus mellowed to dat tenda light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade da more, one ray da less,
Had half impaired da nameless grace
Which waves in ev’ry raven tress,
Or softly lightens o’er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear deir dwellin’ place.
An’ on dat cheek, an’ o’er dat brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
Da smiles dat win, da tints dat glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace wit’ all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!”
“Specs…” she was interrupted by a cough. “Specs…I love you.”
“I love ya too…ah Linnea…Lin…I love ya so much.” He set the book back down and leaned down to kiss her forehead. Then an attack of coughing hit her and she nearly choked on the amount of blood she was coughing up. Specs gently wiped her face clean when she was finished and noticed how luminescent her skin looked...suddenly a vision of her as an angel entered his head and he fought it. No! Not yet! She’s not gonna die tanight! Her eyes fluttered open and she whispered
“Love you.” She sighed quietly. Then before he could reply he saw that her lips were curved in a small smile and she wasn’t breathing.
“Lin! Lin! No Lin…please don’t do dis…not now…oh God…Lin…Lin I love ya.” Then he cried. He cried until he thought there was no way any more tears could exist anywhere in the world. Even then, though he didn’t cry anymore, the pain in his heart multiplied a thousandfold every second. He stroked her forehead and noticed how peaceful she looked. There were no longer any lines in her forehead from the constant pain and her mouth was no longer tense. He realized that he should tell the other newsies and slowly rose from his position beside the bed. Then he realized he was still holding her hand. He gently kissed the back of it and placed it carefully across her stomach.
“Goodnight Lin. I love ya.”
