| Card | Results | Archive |

CRZ's Massacre Report
July 26, 2001

By Christopher Robin Zimmerman
Bloody Online Wrestling

MY TWO CENTS: Well I'm feeling alot better now since I found out about the Raw tickets for the 30th. FLOOR SEATS!!! I rule I rule I rule I rule...Heh, just kidding. If I would've gotten the cheapest seats in the arena I'd probably say the same thing anyway. On with the show.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "I'm not dealin wit the X-Factor, I'm dealin with the CRAP factor." -Edge

We are live at the Unknown Arena at Unknown City, USA for this special edition of Thursday Night Massacre. Well, there's nothing really "special" about it, as it's a one match show. But the setup sure looks pretty sweet, consisting of two rings(ala Battlebowl). This of course is the battle royal to name the 2 men who will go into the Capital Punishment Pay Per View for the World Heavyweight Title. Before we get to the match, everyone makes their way down to the ring. Just to let people know the list of who's in the battle royal, here ya go. Ring one consists of Jake Roberts, Hulk Hogan, Tajiri, Soulfire, Recoil, Xnakstarr, Chris Powa, Bob Lombardi, Big Bossman, Kage, Felix Randall, Ozz McKean, Terra Ryzing, Alex Cruise, Steve Corino, D-Von Dudley, Bubba Ray Dudley, Rob Van Dam, Descent, and Raven. Ring two consists of Triple H, Lance Storm, X-Pac, American Crippler, Justin Credible, Cain Hunt, Jon Storm, Slydog, EX, Simon Diamond, Shane Douglas, Brimstone, Lightning, Justin Lawless, Josh Storm, Enforcer, Hacksaw, Ultrawolf, Tarantula, and Brady Kobain(yeah lets see if people will remember all of that).

BATTLE ROYAL for the #1 contenderships of the BOW World Heavyweight Title - Bell rings and all hell breaks loose in both rings. Actually it's more like a beatdown in ring two as EVERYONE tears Ultrawolf a new asshole. Brimstone grabs Ultrawolf by the throat and gives him the BIG NASTY GIANT KILLING CHOKESLAM OF DEATH over the top rope. Ultrawolf is gone, and so is Brimstone as Enforcer casually clotheslines him out of the ring. Meanwhile in ring one, things seem more disjointed, as everyone beats on everyone else. Corino and RVD spend time trying to dump each other over the top rope, while Hogan and Roberts exchange bitchslaps. Tajiri charges RVD and almost gets dumped out of the ring, but flips back inside. Ozz McKean is getting triple teamed, so TARANTULA dives into ring one from ring two and spears Soulfire and Chris Powa out of the ring!! No elimination though, as it's over the top rope only. Tarantula continues to beat on both of them while the referees try to regain order. McKean trys to tell Tarantula to get back in the other ring, but Big Bossman dumps him over the top rope. McKean is eliminated. Tarantula gets pissed again, and pulls Bossman over the top out of the ring!! Bossman is gone. Soulfire and Powa get back in the ring, but Tarantula won't listen to the referees. The referees get extremely annoyed by this, and DQ Tarantula. Tarantula is gone. Josh Storm and Enforcer brawl it in ring two while Lawless trys to eliminate Credible. Ring one is still hard to call, but Tajiri is noticably kicking RVD a new asshole. Roberts goes for a DDT on Hogan. Raven charges Roberts, so Roberts DDT's Raven!! Jake tosses Raven over the top as his night is finished. Roberts goes for another DDT on Hogan, but Recoil nails BOTH of them over the top rope. That doesn't stop Roberts and Hogan from brawling, as they both head to the back while refs try to break them apart. Crippler dumps X-Pac over the top rope in ring two as he's finished. Lightning hits the superkick on Jon Storm as HE goes flying over the top. Thank you, drive through. Lombardi has a heart attack as everyone trys to pin him since he's the Hardcore Champion. Lombardi says the hell with this and eliminates himself. Lombardi teases the guys who are still in the ring, but then out of nowhere Jake Roberts comes down the eisle and DDT's him on the floor!! 1, 2, 3!! Roberts is the new Hardcore Champion. Roberts takes off before anyone can get to him also. Back to the ring, ring two specifically. Everyone from the NOK is still alive. Dudley's go for 3D on Xnakstarr, but Ryzing kicks D-Von in the nuts. Ryzing charges D-Von, and gets a 3D in return. Xnakstarr dumps Bubba over the top rope and he's gone. As is Xnakstarr, as D-Von sends HIM out. Bye bye D-Von, Tajiri sprays mist in his eyes and kicks him over the top. Slydog charges Enforcer in ring two. Guess what happens? Bye bye Slydog. EX has the balls to go to the top rope and dive onto Cain. Once again, guess what happens? Cain press slams EX over the top ONTO A TABLE!!! EX is dead. Ring two is down to 13 while ring one is down to 11. Triple H kicks Cain into the midsection and goes for the Pedigree. Cain backdrops Triple H over the top rope, but Triple H lands on the OPPOSITE side of the mat and slides back in. Lawless clotheslines Kobain over the top as Kobain heads to the showers. Tajiri blocks a kick from Powa near the turnbuckle and locks in the tarantula!! Of course Tajiri had the genious of going over the top rope while locking the move on in the process. Ryzing charges with a cross bodyblock which knocked all THREE out of the battle royal. Trainwreck would be the word that comes to mind. Simon goes for the Simonizer on Lawless, but Lightning clotheslines Simon out of the ring. Simon is gone. Lawless gets back up and goes for a Lawbreaker on Enforcer. Enforcer catches him and throws him about 10 feet outside the ring. Lawless is done. Memorable visual happens next, as former Impact Players Credible and Lance Storm hit a double superkick and knock Crippler out of the ring. Crowd erupts on that one. Lightning goes for a bodyslam on Douglas, but since Douglas is TOO FAT...Well, Lightning tumbles over the top rope while holding onto Douglas, knocking both guys out in the process. Ring one is down to Soulfire, Recoil, Kage, Felix Randall, Alex Cruise, Steve Corino, Rob Van Dam, and Descent. Ring two is down to Triple H, Lance Storm, Justin Credible, Cain Hunt, Josh Storm, Enforcer, and Hacksaw. Descent and Randall team up for a bit, working on Cruise. Descent and Randall go for a double clothesline, but Cruise backdrops Descent over the top rope. Randall clotheslines Cruise over the top. And so the eliminations continue, as Josh Storm eliminates Credible in ring two. Recoil casually dumps Soulfire out, as both rings start to clear up more. Storm members collide, as Lance tosses Josh over the top rope. Josh hangs on, and flips back catching Lance's head with his legs. Triple H takes advantage by charging BOTH of them, knocking them out of the match. Corino hits the Old School Expulsion on Recoil. Recoil tumbles over the top rope and gets his leg tangled in the ropes. Kage charges Randall, and gets backdropped over in the process. Final Four for rings one and two. Ring one has Recoil, Randall, Corino, and RVD while Ring two has Triple H, Cain, Enforcer, and Hacksaw. Randall tries to loosen the rope that Recoil is caught on. Recoil takes advantage by grabbing Randall by the head and pulling him out of the ring. Randall is gone. Triple H and Enforcer charge Cain and Hacksaw. The crowd goes nuts. Hacksaw drills Triple H. Enforcer catches Cain and sets him up for a powerbomb. Cain counters with a backdrop. RVD and Corino continue trading elimination attempts. Fonzie runs down to the ring out of nowhere and tosses Corino a chair. RVD goes for a Vandaminator but Corino ducks and drops the chair. RVD goes for a foot sweep. Corino jumps, catches RVD, and hits him with a SWANK DDT. Recoil is still caught on the ropes as Corino goes over and starts kicking Recoil in the back. Triple H tries to eliminate Cain, but Hacksaw boots him in the head. Cain kicks Triple H in the midsection and hits the SKULL CRACKING RIFLE OF DAMNNATION(also known as a piledriver)!!! Triple H is dead on the canvas. Corino is still working on Recoil, but RVD gets back up. RVD tosses the chair again at Corino and this time hits the Vandaminator. Enforcer is being double teamed by Cain and Hacksaw, as both of them try to get him out of the ring. Hacksaw gets extremely annoyed, and charges the ropes. Enforcer sidesteps Hacksaw and throws him, but Hacksaw HOLDS ONTO Enforcer's arm and the momentum sends Enforcer out of the ring also!! Triple H gets back up and goes for a Pedigree on Cain, but Cain backdrops him over the top rope sending him out. Cain Hunt wins in Ring two!! Meanwhile, RVD goes to the opposite side and eyes Corino for a Vanterminator. RVD springboards, but out of NOWHERE Recoil comes up and clotheslines RVD midmotion(while RVD was still in the air) sending him crashing to the outside of the ring!! Awesome spot. Corino gets back up with the chair and charges, but Recoil boots the chair into his head. Recoil picks up Corino and tosses him over the top, winning in ring one and ending the match(Recoil and Cain 37:19 - *****). Best Massacre Match ever...Period. Cain stares at Recoil while giving off a sarcastic grin. Recoil looks on in the opposite ring, pointing over to Cain and saying something that isn't being picked up on mic. The camera fades away as a promo for Capital Punishment is shown.

End of Show.