The SmArK Massacre Rant
By Scott Keith
- Live from Chicago.
- Your hosts are Manic and Chico.
- Opening Match: Hells Henchman vs Law and Disorder vs Tajiri and William Regal. Good to see that Law and Disorder are back to drinking Kool Aid. Winners receive a shot at the tag titles. Teams have trouble deciding who goes first, since it's only two in the ring at once. Tajiri and Lawless start off the match. Lawless tries to ground wrestle Tajiri, but Tajiri counters everything. Lawless tries again, same result. Tajiri starts kicking away as Lawless gets sent into the corner. Tajiri goes for a handspring, but Lawless catches him and rolls him for a 2 count. Lawless works the arm, but Tajiri once again escapes and kicks Lawless in the head. Tajiri tags in Regal. Regal forearms Lawless and clotheslines him to the mat for a 2 count. Lawless with a drop toehold as Lightning gets tagged in. Lightning hits a spear for a 2 count. Regal butterfly suplexes Lightning out of a backslide counter. 2 count on Lightning. Regal with a toe hold, but Lightning reaches the ropes. Regal tags in Ryzing. Ryzing charges Lightning and gets armdragged. Lightning tags to Lawless. Lawless with a jab combination ending with a flying forearm. 2 count on Ryzing. Lawless goes for the Lawbreaker(jump swinging DDT), but Ryzing counters with a northern lights suplex for a 2 count. Lawless goes for a sunset flip on Ryzing. Ryzing won't fall, so Lightning gives him a springboard blockbuster and rolls into a clothesline on Xnakstarr. 1, 2, 3. Henchman are eliminated as it's down to Law and Disorder and Regal/ Tajiri. Tajiri jumps into the ring and immediately goes to school on Lawless. Lawless is on his knees, so Tajiri nails the SNAPPING SHOOT KICK OF DEATH. Lightning runs in and goes for a spear, so Tajiri kicks him in the head for his troubles. Tarantula for Lawless. X-Pac runs down to the ring and tries to break it up, but Tajiri unleashes the RED MIST!! That's the good shit baby. Lightning goes for the Lightning Strike. Tajiri ducks the attempt and hits a standing sidekick. Tajiri counters an irish whip with a springboard elbow. Tajiri off the top hits a moonsault, but Lightning breaks up the pin at 2. Regal runs into the ring and pounds away at Lightning. Tajiri with kicking combinations. Lawless has enough of that and throws Tajiri over the top rope. Tajiri hangs onto the top rope. Simon Diamond makes his way down. Simon tries to pull Tajiri off, but gets the dreaded YELLOW MIST for his troubles. That shit will burn the skin. Tajiri flips back in, but Lawless waits on. Lawless hits the Lawbreaker out of nowhere for the 3 count. Awesome opener.***3/4
- In the back, Casper, the man formerly known as Homicide(and whatnot) knocks on a door. Christian opens up the door and they both do the male bonding thing. Casper brings up weed, Christian tells him that they can't say weed on the air, but he doesn't care. Lars walks up with a plate of brownies as the door closes.
- American Crippler and Human Wreckers vs Sean O'Haire, Mark Jindrak, and Lance Storm. Lance Storm and Jobber...er, American Crippler start off. Storm immediately unleashes some CANADIAN VIOLENCE on Crippler that sends him to the corner. Crippler counters an irish whip with something that looks like a headscissors and follows with a dropkick. Crippler tags in the Scorpion King as they double hiptoss Storm. O'Haire comes in and gets backdropped over the top rope. King punches a couple times then suplexes Storm for a 2 count. King goes for a chokeslam, but Storm counters and rolls into the Canadian Maple Leaf. Infamous runs in and breaks up the submission. Jindrak runs in and a pier six ensues. Through all the anarchy, King goes for a piledriver, but Storm counters with a tombstone. Storm pins, but Crippler breaks up the count with a top rope legdrop. King rolls on top, but at the same time, O'Haire comes off the top with a Seanton Bomb. Storm rolls on top off King for the 3 count. Match was okay, but nothing much.*
- Meanwhile in the back, we go to the office where Lars, York, and Casper are hangin around enjoying some brownies. Casper wants weed. York asks Lars what to do. Lars says, "Give him another brownie. That oughta shut him up." York gives him a brownie, which Casper eats.
- Enforcer is readying himself for the tables match coming up next when a security guy gives him a memorandum paper. Enforcer takes a look at it before balling it up, throwing it, and storming out of the lockerroom.
- Descent arrives at the arena.
- Tables Match: Enforcer vs The Dudley Boyz. Bill Alphonso is YOUR trouble shooting official for this match. That must be what Enforcer was soo pissed about. Bubba and D-Von immediately take control, only to get double clotheslined by Enforcer. Enforcer tosses Bubba to the outside and makes D-Von his bitch in the corner. Jabs followed by a jumping kneelift as Bubba stops Enforcer. Enforcer elbows Bubba and belly to belly suplexes him. Enforcer goes for the powerbomb immediately, but D-Von clips the back of his knee. Wassup Drop to Enforcer. D-Von goes for a table, but Shannon jumps on top of his back. D-Von grabs her by the hair and puts her in the ring. D-Von grabs a table and sets it up inside the ring. The Dudleyz set up Shannon for a superbomb, but Enforcer jumps back up and breaks it up. Enforcer tosses D-Von to the outside. Enforcer grabs Bubba by the throat and goes for a chokeslam through the table, but D-Von rushes back in and moves the table before he goes through. Enforcer goes to the outside and grabs a chair. Chairshot busts open Bubba. Chairshot to D-Von, no blood, but just as brutal. Enforcer hits an E-TERNAL DRIVER(a move he hits about once every 6 months in the BOW) on Bubba!!! For those who don't follow names, it's a pumphandle into a Emerald Fusion. For those who don't know what an Emerald Fusion is, go get No Mercy and look on there. For those who don't know what a Pumphandle is, you suck. Anyway, back to the match. Enforcer sets the table back up and puts D-Von through it with the New Breed Powerbomb. Thank you, drive through. Bubba gets back up and Enforcer goes to work on Bubba. D-Von attacks, but Fonzie tells D-Von that he has to go backstage?? Hmmm...Enforcer sidewalk slams Bubba and goes to the outside. Enforcer sets up a table between the ring and the announce table. Enforcer gets on the mat and tries to suplex Bubba to the outside, but Bubba pushes Enforcer who CRASHES through the annouce table!! Umm, not sure if that was supposed to happen. Fonzie gets on the mic and says that the announce table doesn't count and the match continues. Bubba is pissed as Enforcer slowly gets back up. Bubba goes to the outside and sets the table back up on the outside. Bubba grabs Enforcer and hits a full nelson bomb on the table which DOESN'T BREAK!? Holy shit. The crowd couldn't believe it, and neither can I. Bubba goes for a powerbomb, but Enforcer backdrops him on the table and it YET AGAIN doesn't break. Christ, who got these stupid tables? Enforcer laughs to himself before ripping Bubba's head off with a clothesline. Enforcer kicks the table over and goes under the ring and grabs another. Enforcer sets the table up in the ring and before pulling Bubba inside the ring. Enforcer sets up Bubba for a superplex through the table. Enforcer goes for the superplex, but Fonzie moves the table over a few inches. Instead of Bubba going through the table, ENFORCER goes through it!! Well, yeah, that was kinda expected. Shannon runs into the ring and spears Fonzie. Bubba grabs Shannon and goes to powerbomb her, but Enforcer gets back up. Enforcer kicks Bubba in the midsection and powerbombs him ONTO FONZIE!!! Owch, that's gonna leave a mark, for Fonzie that is. Wicked. ***1/2
- Lars, York, and Casper are in the back, lookin a little more relaxed than the last time. A chinese delivery man comes inside and gives them a delivery. Lars makes some Asian joke that's bound to offend a few. York snares at Lars, but instead of doing anything else, goes to work on some sesami chicken.
- Descent does a backstage interview with Breena talking about his injury that he sustained weeks ago. Says that having the Bloody Title not stripped from him is an act of faith from the committee and that they believe that he'll more than make up for it when he returns soon. And that's that, heh.
- Internet Title: Rob Van Dam(c) vs Simon Diamond. Fonzie of course is not with RVD right now as he got squashed by a Bubba Bomb(no pun intended). RVD and Simon trade armbars which leads to nothing. RVD poses, so Simon clotheslines him. Simon with a headlock takedown, which RVD counters with a headscissors. Simon counters into another headlock, which RVD counters again. Some more mat stalling ensues before both get back up. RVD gains advantage using some kicks, knocking Simon into the corner. Shoulder blocks. RVD backflips and goes for another shoulderblock, but Simon sunset flips over for a 2 count. Simon pounds away and hits the rolling snap suplexes(times three) for a 2 count. Blind charge into the corner by Simon misses. RVD hits a leg lariat and follows up with a rolling senton splash for a 2. Simon puts the knees up on a split legged moonsault attempt. Simonizer is countered into a falling reverse DDT by RVD for a 2 count. 5 Star Frogsplash connects, but X-Pac makes his way out and distracts the referee. The referee turns around. Simon kicks out at 2. X-Pac jumps on the apron, so RVD superkicks him. RVD turns around and Simon hits the Simonizer, which gets two. Simon gets frustrated, so he goes to the outside and brings in a chair. The referee tries to pull the chair away from Simon. RVD shoves Simon and pins him, but the ref got sandwiched in the process. X-Pac jumps in and gives RVD the X-Factor. Simon small packages RVD, but now D-VON makes his way in. D-Von rolls the small package over and slides out of the ring. The referee counts. RVD gets a 2 on Simon. Simon and RVD trade back grapples, which ends with Simon turning RVD around and hitting a fisherman's suplex, for a 2. Simon goes to pick up RVD, but RVD does a legsplit into an uppercut to the groin!! Johnny Cage would be soo proud. 5 Star Frogsplash connects for the 3 count. Swift indeed. ***
- The camera cuts to a shot of Billy Corgan who is seen in the crowd.
- Cain Hunt makes a suprise appearence as he walks into the executive brownies room. Christian is a tad annoyed that he didn't knock, while Lars is pretty much wasted. Cain asks if he can have a part in the Pay Per View. Lars says whatever while Christian does the same. Cain gets overly joyed by this. So much in fact that he accidently knocks over some noodles onto York. Christian gets pissed and tells him to get out. Christian tosses some noodles at Cain as he walks out of the room.
- Shawn Michaels vs Triple H. Michaels runs into the ring as former clique members collide. Triple H gains advantage and whips him off the ropes, but HBK hits a cross body block. HBK clotheslines HHH out of the ring and hits a plancha to the outside. HBK tosses Triple H into the ring and kicks away. Triple H catches a leg, but HBK counters with an enziguri. Sweet Chin Music is blocked into a Pedigree attempt from Triple H. HBK counters the Pedigree with a double leg takedown. HBK slingshots Triple H into the referee(sigh) as everyone's hero the BOSSMAN makes his way out. Sigh. Bossman chairshots Triple H in the back, and Michaels hits the superkick. 1, 2, 3. HBK wins. Match was picking up too before the copout finish, but of course the bookers would use the excuse that this is to build up the Bossman vs HHH match at Bloody Sunday. Fuck them and their buildup. **
- Meanwhile, Lance Storm walks into the brownies room and asks if he can be serious for a minute. Storm says that he wants to have a match at Bloody Sunday, and he could care less who it's against. Christian says that he can have Cain Hunt. While Lars says that it makes no sense, Casper cuts off Lars and asks him when has wrestling EVER made sense. Lars agrees, and tells Storm that the match will be signed for Sunday.
- Main Event/ World Title: Recoil(c) vs Steve Corino. Corino is immediately sent to the corner as Recoil is IN THE ZONE!!! Recoil punches Corino, then punches him some more. Recoil hits a DDT, and Corino blades because he can. Recoil goes for a blind charge(which never works by the way), and Corino boots him in the head. Corino ducks a clothesline and hits a neckbreaker for a 1 count. Corino works the headlock. Recoil gets back up and suplexes out of it. Recoil takes Corino by the head and wipes the word DIE into the mat with his blood. Ugh, that was a disturbing visual to say the least. Recoil shortarm clotheslines Corino for a 2 count. Recoil goes for another one, but Corino counters with a northern lights suplex for a 2. Recoil ducks a superkick and swings. Corino ducks THAT and hits the Old School Expulsion, which gets a 2 count. Recoil counters a suplex attempt and snap suplexes Corino onto the turnbuckle. Owch. 2 count on Corino. Recoil hits the Point Blank out of nowhere, but Enforcer comes out and pulls the referee out of the ring. The referee DQ's Corino which is fucking stupid, but then again it doesn't matter as Enforcer punches the referee anyway. *3/4
- Recoil taunts Enforcer which brings Enforcer in as the two of them brawl. As that happens, HBK makes his way out. RVD not wanting to be outdone also comes out as all four of them brawl. Simon Diamond soon rushes in too. And so does O'Haire and Jindrak(what the fuck). Triple H also comes out to get a piece of HBK, but Bossman nails him from behind!! The Dudleyz come out to assist RVD, but Law and Disorder make their way out also!! Big ass brawl ensues with everyone which I can't really call, but nobody takes advantage. A camera cuts to the back as York, Lars, and Casper watch on the television monitor. York asks Lars if they should send referees out to break everything up. Lars says, "Nah, let em go at it." As the camera cuts back to the live action, a busload of referees make their way out anyway as the show comes to an end.
- End of Show.
- Good Massacre with buildup for the Pay Per View. Of course Corino vs Recoil and HBK vs Triple H could of been better, but the undercard made up for it with some of the best free TV matches in a long time. Funny how a week ago the Pay Per View was building up to be total crap. Now it looks as if they could put on one of their best PPV shows this year. Until next week(and more brownie jokes), this is netcop signing off.
August 16, 2001
Bloody Online Wrestling
