As presented on the 9/25/95 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. If you notice a guest using the "wrong" fork, pick up the "right" fork and jam it into his head
9. Heavily sedated pets make unusual centerpieces
8. Add glitter to every damn thing you own
7. Nothing spruces up bathroom like potpourri & a stack of wrestling magazines
6. Kick off your O.J. dinner party by having Johnnie Cochran lie about what's in the chili
5. Old gym shorts stuffed with cat hair make great throw pillows
4. To liven up a "black tie only" affair, wear only a black tie
3. You want livin'? Take a Big Mac, coat with butter, then refry the bastard
2. Household putty is an excellent way to fill embarrassing gap between teeth
1. To enliven any salad try eating it while hanging by your hair
-Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
-Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
-Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
-Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
-Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.
-Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off the elevator.
-When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
-Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
-Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
-On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
-Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
-When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
-Meow occasionally.
-Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
-Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
-Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
-Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
-Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
-Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
-Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!" ("mmmm...chunky", "mmmm...tastes better the second time around")
-Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
-When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
-Shout "Ding!" at each floor.
-Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
-Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
-Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
-Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
-Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
-Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
-Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
-If there is music being played in the elevator, sing,or hum along to it. (dance to it if you really want to scare people.)
