It is the end of the school year, the teacher has turned in her grades, and there is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because it's Friday afternoon and not much is happening. So the teacher gets an idea and say's, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can start their vacation early." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and know I'll get it." The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago...' Before Little Johnny could answer, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go." Johnny was so MAD. Susie had answered first. A little while later the teacher asked, "Who said, 'I have a dream..." Before Little Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny was MADDER than before. Mary had answered first. Johnny could see vaulable vacation time slipping away. After a few minutes, the teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you..." Before Johnny could answer, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you can go." By this time Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy had beat him to the answer. When the teacher turned her back, Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their damn mouths shut!" The teacher spun around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, see you next year!"
MY FAVORITE THINGS
(The Bill Clinton Version)
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things,
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things,
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things,
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things,
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things,
When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things...
And then I don't feel so bad.
Q:Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton?
A: Monica swallowed the evidence
Q:What's Bill's favorite garden tool?
A: A Blower.
Q:What's the Oval Office Motto?
A:Wait 'til we get our hands on you.
Q:What did Bill say when asked if it was possible to make a hormone?
A:"I've done it lots of times, I just refuse to pay her!"
Q: What do the Nixon and Clinton administrations have in common?
A: A crooked Dick in the Oval Office.
Q: What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton desprately wants?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: Whats the difference between Clinton and a screw driver?
A: A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.
Q: Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
A: Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.
Ingredients for new, improved Clinton stew:
One wiener, one tongue, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans and hot water.
Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote.
Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little buttercup" His nickname for Monica?
"My little suctioncup"
Q: What do Monica and Bill have in common?
A: They're both going down.
Q: How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?
A: "It wasn't words I put in her mouth."
Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Sing along to the "Summer Lovin" theme from Grease...
Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights"
Grand Jury: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Tripp: "Try to remember your best"
Grand Jury: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Starr: "Did he come on your dress?"
Grand Jury: Uh-huh....Uh-huh...Uh-huh....
Grand Jury: Uh-huh....Uh-huh....Uh-huh....
Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica: "The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp"
Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House"
Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth"
Bill: "Summer days, gobbling away, oh, i, but those summer nights"
Grand Jury: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Tripp: "He sounds like a swell guy"
Grand Jury: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Starr: "Did he tell you to lie?"
(Slower now)
Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess"
Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress"
Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow"
Monica: "Wonder who is servicing him now"
Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams But.........oh Those White House Nights"
Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC. One day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help." Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton, drowning in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving his life. After a few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as long as it is within my power as President!" The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?" "You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!" Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis. Can you get me in?" "You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers for it this afternoon, too." After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to know, can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?" Clinton, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said, "Sure, but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such things?" "Nope," replied the remaining fello "Because when I get home and tell my old man what I did today, he's going to kill me!"
"Yes, the president should resign. He has lied to the American people, time and time again, and betrayed their trust. He is no longer an effective leader. Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through an impeachment. He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term, the only possible solution is for the president to save some dignity and resign." -- William Jefferson Clinton, 1974 on President Nixon
Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
THE PRESIDENTIAL I.Q. TEST!
Question: Behind every great man stands...?
A. A woman
B. A woman with a tape recorder
C. Janet Reno impersonating a woman
D. Any woman (except my wife!)
It was nice to see the Cabinet get behind the President. Especially when Madalaine Albright and Janet Reno said that they know the President is innocent because, "He never tried anything with us."
Q: What did Ted Kennedy say to Bill Clinton?
A: "What are you worried about? At least she's not dead."
Q. What was Bill Clinton's first request when he took office as President?
A. To have Flowers on his desk every morning.
Did you hear that Bill Clinton was excited about the new double feature showing at the White House movie theater?? Seems that he heard THE FLY was opening, and shortly thereafter, FREE WILLY was coming out!!!
President Clinton was agreed to a plea bargain in Paula Jones Sexual Harrassment suit. He will plead guilty to acting like a Kennedy.
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