A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs.... "Honey would you like some of this..?"
"Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering...it must be cold. What should I do?" He says, "Put it between your legs." She says, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: Pierre, kiss me." Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the French fighter pilot. When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower. "Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest. "Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine." They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikesa match and lights the Cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physican examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The man's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor asked, He won't be on crutches!! "He'll need crutches" the woman said "If You are going to lengthen his legs"
A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis." The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
God was looking down on Adam and Eve one day right after they got done having sex.....He became distracted with a problem he was pondering and didn't notice Eve get up and head towards the sea cause she decided to wash up after sex.....she runs and dives into the water. Just as she is diving in God notices and shouts noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo - oh well too late Eve looks up and says "What's wrong" God looks at her and says "Now how am I gonna get the smell out of those fish?!"
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny afternoon. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Sure enough, the ball hit one of the guys, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Ummph, ooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?", she asked. "Ohhh, Yeah....It feels really great", he replied, "But my thumb still hurts like hell!"
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it,and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there. While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole". He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request. She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th"..Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"? She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh". "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold. "Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax". With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh". "That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates," protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why'd you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But, we're sergeants now."
