Drunks and Stupid People

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does...toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait...no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep...here..throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait...and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT railroad tie in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey...you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles. "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!"

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

* On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping

* On plastic bag Washington Post is delivered in:
This is not a toy. Do not put over childs head.

* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary Details inside

* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap

* Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head

*On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery

* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness

* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only

* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

*On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts

* On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands