Get A Job - Sha-na-na-na-..........
By Shaun Stallard
Since our last literary adventure, the FA have seen fit to rid the country of one of the most talented (if completely barmy) England coaches ever. Glenn is long gone, with his pet druid, resident witchdoctor, and a Bisham Abbey full of spirits.
It is not for the Final Word to add to, or detract from the thousands of sporting celebs and journalists who have sat in judgement of Mr Hoddle. Enough is enough. Like many others before him, he was caught with his proverbial pants around his ankles, with his manhood, and bare-faced cheek(s) on view.
At the time of writing, (Monday evening, twenty past chinese take-away) it is all but confirmed that Kevin Keegan will take over from Howard Wilkinson, with special consideration being given by the FA to Keegan's obligations to Harrods F.C. at Fulham. So, no need for this column to waste its substantial column inches on, 'Who will be the next England manager?'.
So what are you going to write about, Shaun? Well kids, let's look at the job itself. A number of the obvious candidates were quick to deny all interest in the taking the post. Including Keegan. Twice. And why would Alex Ferguson give up a well paid existence at Old Trafford where he can do absolutely no wrong, only to be victimised in the tabloids for picking the same team as 99% of the nation?
Because that's the point, isn't it? It really doesn't matter who1s in charge, most England coaches have put out the very team that a majority or cross section of the football-following public would pick. True, we all have our own idea of who should, and shouldn1t represent the country (I'd drop Anderton and Hinchcliffe like a bloody stone) but overall, most of us would have picked nine or ten of the players favoured by Hoddle, Venables, Robson et al. Maybe only seven or eight of Graham Taylor's selection, but hey ho............
Of course, on this occasion, Hoddle was given the gooner because of some misplaced spiritual belief. To persecute someone for their beliefs would be, in any walk of life outside England football management, an infringement of civil liberties. Punishable by death. Or at least universal disapproval.
As one of Hoddle's biggest fans when he was a much under-used international player, I feel desperately sorry that his comments, if not taken out of context, were fashioned by a bloodthirsty media, on a slow news day, and allowed to spark off a witchunt.
EVEN TONY BLAIR STUCK HIS TRUNK IN! SHOULDN'T HE BE OFF RUNNING THE COUNTRY, OR DOING SOMETHING, LIKE HE WAS VOTED IN TO DO?
Do you like the use of bold type? Richard Littlejohn eat your heart out. Anyway, to para-phrase Mr Blair, Hoddle had to go.
I am intrigued, however, that nobody had really nipped this Eileen Drewery/God thing in the bud before now. The Football Association allowed Glenn Hoddle to take a squad of the finest players we have had in decades, and admitted to relying on faith, regular prayers, meditation, and probably, all manner of green bubbly potions, to ensure success in France. Can you imagine explaining to your boss why you failed at a particular task or job using such work ethics?
'Yeah, I know my sales figures are down, and that the Company has the worst year-end profit for two centuries, but I1m consulting a faith healer to try and improve my performance.' 'Oh don1t worry son, the Lord will provide.' Yeah, right.
The Lord doesn't pick the England team. The coach does. And he (or she, that would be a turn up) will almost always pick the best the country has to offer, probably to within two selections Joe Public would make.
For several years the debate has raged about our 'gifted' players like Gascgoine, Le Tissier, Wright. Flash-in-the-pan players get massive media support which dies down as quickly as it sprouts. Case in point - Chris Sutton. No-one likes him much now, do they? On Wednesday last against France, Howard Wilkinson surprised us only with the selection of Lee Dixon, and the inclusion of Paul Ince. Besides these two, far from controversial, selections, the starting eleven I would have bet my house on. Only a Man Utd fan would pick Cole ahead of Shearer/Owen.
How difficult can the manager1s job be, then? David Davies has acknowledged that the job may be a 'poisoned chalice'. That it doesn't matter what you do, there will always be someone who will be ready to criticise their every decision.
To my amusement, he did announce that despite Keegan and others rejecting the media calls for his appointment, Davies continued with something along the lines, 'History has shown us that when the FA decides who it wants, and makes that telephone call, the recipient would never say no to the England job.' Cobblers. Can you imagine that erstwhile FA Chief Exec. Graham Kelly would have had the personality to order a pizza over the phone, let alone negotiate with a businessman like Venables? Full marks to David Davies (who flourished as 4th reserve Grandstand presenter in the early Eighties) for putting on a brave face. The FA sacked a bloody good coach. They were guilty of cracking under the very same media pressure that has plagued their appointees for years.
Kevin Keegan will have been installed by kick-off at Spooners Road on Saturday, probably on some kind of release to gain Fulham the promotion they richly deserve. Watching the FA Cup match last Sunday when Man Utd deflected their way cruelly into the last eight, Keegan looked relaxed and, dare I say it, every part the next England manager. Such overwhelming support from the newspapers must be everlasting if the man is to succeed. He left St James Park a defeated man, loved by supporters who were getting possibly the best value football entertainment since the Kop End sucked nine past Crystal Palace one Tuesday evening, and appeared to be broken by the unforgiving critics. The same critics who are promoting his worthiness now. I wish him health, happiness and success.
. Here's an off the wall suggestion. And it's something that the new England manager (whoever) could brighten my day with. The huge array of foreign imports playing in our top divisions has finally paid dividends. Look around, everywhere you go, young English players are truly shining in among these continental superstars.
There was a concern that our emerging talent would be snuffed out. Instead we have an opportunity to build an England squad that includes players like Leeds' Alan Smith, Villa's Gareth Barry, Lampard, Upson, Ferdinand etc.
Now is a good time to take the England manager's job. Let's get to Euro 2000, let's take all of these youngsters, and when they peak, at 24 or so, they can lift the World Cup here at Wembley again.