The Battle of Stirling Bridge 1297 - a modern portrayal of the battle by Scotticus
Act 1 - 10th of September (Eve of Stirling Bridge battle).
Wallace (to clansmen): Will you come and fight with me tomorrow ?.
McDuff: Do you think we have any sort of a chance man ?
McBroadsword: I hear the English have 50,000 men.
Wallace: We must take them on for the sake of our freedom. Mobilise all your forces at once!.
McDuff: I can get 2000 men.
McBroadsword: I'll get 2500 by sunrise tomorrow.
Wallace: That gives us 5000 if you include my loyal band of followers.
McThicko: Will we not be out numbered ?.
Wallace: Yes man, by 10 to 1. But we can overcome the them for they are two cans short of a six-pack. You must all assemble by the Bridge in the morn. Let us wear face-paints and be known as the Tartan Army.
Act 2 - 11th September (The battle - 3 o'clock kick off and extra time if necessary)
(spectators gather)
Wallace (to Scots): Let us slay ten men each and win our FREEDOM !.
McDuff: I don't know what formation we are playing.
McBroadsword: me neither.
Wallace: We shall pack the defence, and play 1000 men out on the wing.
(Scots all have swig of irn-bru bottle whilst the English play cricket further down the field)
Wallace: Let the battle commence !.
(- gratuitous violence follows as blood and guts are strewn everywhere and by 3.05pm Scots claim victory)
Wallace: Awa back to England Edward and gie us a' peace.
(Edward sent home tae think again)
McDuff (to clansmen): Sweep the battlefield and salvage some souvenirs.
Wallace: I'm going to skin an Englishman and use it as a belt.
McBroadsword (whilst making a belt): Yer some man.
Wallace: We must never allow ourselves to become complacent because the spectre of Englishness lies round every corner. They will still try to colonise and take advantage of us for it is the English way.
Stirling Bridge falls silent as the highlanders head back to the hills and drams are taken long into the night.
The Battle Of Bannockburn 1314
(A Bannockburn article should appear here in the future whenever that is).