Mags (smoking fag): The pubs all shut early doon here. I wish I wis back hame in my native Drumchapel.
Farquar (second name same as first): I say we make the most of our time down here - lets nick some traffic cones.
Dave (dressed in kilt): Come on man!, its xmas eve lets do a bit better than that.
Jim (puggled looking): Too right Dave son, I'm way too old for the road signs nonsense now. Lets pinch a flagpole or take the car for a spin.
Dave: I reckon we should liberate the stone of destiny - take it back home where it belongs.
Jim: Brilliant idea Dave as long as the police don't catch us.
Dave: You don't look all that keen Farquar. Have you some sort of problem?
Mags: He's got mair faces than the toon clock!
Farquar: I'd rather not get too involved. I'll just sit in the car while you lot go in and take the damn thing.
Mags: Dinna clothe yer language in such ragged attire.
ACT 2 - Mags is the look out, Farquar is in the getaway car, Dave and Jim are breaking in to the Abbey
Dave (to Jim): I'll break our way in as long as you go in and pinch the stone.
Jim: Aye right! so if anyone comes its me that gets in trouble with the old bill.
Mags (shouting like a foghorn): My grandpa used to say "the one with the ladder is as bad as the thief".
Jim: Shut it Mags!, "for she who shouts like a foghorn gets us all caught" as my old man used to say.
Meanwhile Dave has had enough and goes in for the stone by himself.
Dave (struggling with stone): Geezo this is pure murder by the way. This'll be the death of me.
Mags: Have life right to the end Dave.
Jim: Give it here. I'll bung it in the car.
Mags: .....and if you break yer leg, don't come running to me.
ACT 3 - Christmas day 1950.
King nearly chokes on his cornflakes as news of the liberation of the stone travels fast. In Scotland over 60 people come forward claiming they have the real stone.....the rest is history........