An unemployed biologist was having considerable difficulty in finding a new job. He finally saw an add in a local newspaper for a position at a zoo. In the interview, the manager told him that their only gorilla, which had been a star attraction, had recently died, and it would be sometime before they could replace it. Meanwhile, they needed someone to dress up as a gorilla and pretend to be the animal. The biologist was quite embarrassed, but, being desperate for money, he accepted the job.
The next day, the biologist put on a gorilla skin and headgear and entered a cage from a rear entrance. Visitors smiled at him and threw bread. After a while, the biologist really got into the act. He jumped up and down, beat his chest and roared as people cheered.
The following day, the biologist entered the wrong cage by accident and found himself staring at a lion. The lion roared and rushed toward him. The scared biologist turned and ran, while screaming, "Help! Help!" The lion leaped onto the gorilla, knocked him to the ground and whispered in his ear, "Hey, it's me Leonard, your former co-worker. Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"
PHYSICAL SCIENCE (Chemicals and Reactions and Radioactivity)
Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
A: "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees"
Q: What is the dullest element?
A: Bohrium
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it, I can never remember that word."
Here is a funny chemistry story. Somebody wrote a paper about how this chemical, dihydrogenoxide, has killed over 100,000 people world wide, usually through inhalation. The story also went on that even if you wash your food you can never get this chemical off. No matter what you do you will be exposed to this very dangerous chemical every day of your life until you die. The story finished by claiming that there needs to be a government research group founded to find a solution. yada yada yada...anyhow, a local press guy got a hold of this joke, if you haven't figured it out di-hydrogen-oxide is the correct name for H2O or water. The deaths that he was quoting were from drownings. Anyhow, this local guy ran the article in a paper and started a big outcry for a government study before they realized what the story was about.....kinda funny chemistry humor.
Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?
A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!
Q: What is the name of the molecule CH2O?
A: Seawater
Q: What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
A: CoRnY.
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
Q: Why are chemists great for solving problems?
A: They have all the solutions.
Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
Q: If H-two-O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H-two-O-CUBED
Q: What is a cation afraid of?
A: A dogion.
Why do white bears dissolve in water? Because they're polar.
Two chemists meet for the first time at a symposium. One is American, one is British. The British chemist asks the American chemist, "So what do you do for research?" The American responds, "Oh, I work with aerosols." The Brit responds, "Yes, sometimes my colleagues get on my nerves also."
A chemistry professor couldn't resist interjecting a little philosophy into a class lecture. He interrupted his discussion on balancing chemical equations, saying, "Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!"
Q: What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch?
A: Fission Chips.
A hydrogen atom came running into a police station asking for help....
Hydrogen atom: "Someone just stole my electron!"
Policeman: "Are you sure?"
Hydrogen atom: "Yes, I'm positive"
Policeman: "Oh, I thought you were just being negative again."
Radioactivity - it's as easy as alpha, beta, gamma...
Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?
Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
A: "Gotta split!"
PHYSICAL SCIENCE (Motion)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Issac Newton1: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Issac Newton2: It was pushed on the road.
Issac Newton3: It was pushed on the road by another chicken, which went away from the road.
Issac Newton4: It was attracted to a chicken on the other side of the road.
Sir Isaac Newton had a theory of how to get the best outcomes in a courtroom. He suggested to lawyers that they should drag their arguments into the late afternoon hours. The English judges of his day would never abandon their 4 o'clock tea time, and therefore would always bring down their hammer and enter a hasty, positive decision so they could retire to their chambers for a cup of Earl Grey. This tactic used by the British lawyers is still recalled as Newton's Law of Gavel Tea.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas
10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials".
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles.
1
And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
Q: How did you find the weather on your vacation?
A: I just went outside and there it was.
Q: What is a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Hail!
Q: What's the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Foul (fowl) weather.
Q: What is a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister!
EARTH AND SPACE SCIENCE (Plate Tectonics)
Does an excellent student of vulcanology graduate magma cum laude?
Here in California, when a bridge falls down, we know it must be San Andreas' Fault!
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes that he is lost, so he reduces his altitude and spots a man on the ground down below. Lowering the balloon a little further, the balloonist shouts "Excuse me Sir! But can you help me? I promised my friend that I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am!"
The man on the ground replies, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering at approximately 30 feet. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 59 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a geologist," says the balloonist.
"Why, yes I am," replies the man on the ground. "How on earth did you know?"
"Well", says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is well described. It is also technically and geographically accurate. However, I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact of the matter is I have spent much valuable time conversing with you and I am still lost. Furthermore, I will not be able to make my appointment now."
The geologist below nods his head and says, "You must be a manager in an oil company."
"Why, yes I am," replies the balloonist, "But how did you guess that?"
"Well," says the geologist, "You have no idea where you are or where you are going. Also, you have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem for you. The real fact of the matter is that you are in exactly the same position now as what you were in before we met, yet now your predicament has somehow become my fault."
After the Revolution : The far right extremists of FreeRepublic.com, WSJ.com, Nazi.com, and KKK.com finally get it together and overthrow the government. Then they start rounding up politicians to execute. A firing squad is convened and Al Gore, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot.
As the right wing nuts are loading their guns Al Gore thinks, "I've got to cause a diversion so I can get away." He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and points behind the firing squad. As the ultraconservative fruitcakes turn around to see if there is a tornado approaching, Al Gore jumps over the wall behind him and runs away.
The firing squad turns their attention back to the two men who are left. Clinton quickly observes how well Gore's ruse has worked and yells "EARTHQUAKE". As the firing squad frantically looks for a place to take cover Clinton jumps over the wall and he too escapes.
The firing squad resumes their stance and proceeds to take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he, too, can create a diversion, frantically searches his mind for another natural disaster to use. Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".
Dinosaur Jokes
Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode?
A: What a lava-ly day!
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken wasn't invented yet.
Q: Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors?
A: Because she had no guts!
Q: What was T. rex's favorite number?
A: Eight! (ate)
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
A: Jurassic Pork!
Q: What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress?
A: Rep. Tile!