[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: There's always that one location, one store location, that's constantly changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood. It's a leather store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail, you know? Stores open up and then they just disappear without a trace. Nobody knows what happened to 'em. I guess, eventually, when, like, aliens land in the mothers ship of close encounters, the bottom will slowly open, and all these store owners will come wandering out in a daze, going, "I thought there would be more walk-in traffic, didn't you?"

[Scene: NYC Street]
(Jerry and George are standing across the street from a restaurant called Dream Cafe.)

GEORGE: She think I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don't like nice.

JERRY: (Re: Dream Cafe.) This is amazing. I haven't seen one guy going in to that restaurant since it opened. Poor guy.

GEORGE: Why is nice bad? What kind of sick society are we living in, when nice is bad?

JERRY: What's that smell? What are you wearing?

GEORGE: A little cologne.

JERRY: Manly.

GEORGE: Monica wants me to wear it.

JERRY: So, why didn't you say no?

GEORGE: I'm too nice.

JERRY: (Re: Dream Cafe.) Poor guy. His family is probably in Pakistan, waiting for him to send back money. This is horrible.

GEORGE: She wants me to take an I.Q. test.

JERRY: That's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne.

GEORGE: No, she's taking this course in education for her masters. It's part of her research project. I have to be a guinea pig.

JERRY: I've never been a guinea pig. I've been a sheep, a tody...

GEORGE: You know, I can't talk to you, anymore.

JERRY: All right. I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're taking the I.Q. test...

GEORGE: Yeah, and she's going to find out I'm a moron. You know, people think I'm smart, but I'm not smart.

JERRY: Who thinks you're smart?

GEORGE: I'm not going to break a hundred in this thing.

JERRY: What thing?

GEORGE: You don't listen when people talk to you, anymore!

JERRY: Oh, the I.Q. thing...yeah.

GEORGE: I'm sure I have a low I.Q. I've been lying about my SAT scores for fifteen years.

JERRY: What did you get?

GEORGE: What did I get, or what do I say I got?

JERRY: What do you say?

GEORGE: I say fourteen o'nine.

JERRY: 1409. That's a good score.

GEORGE: You're telling me.

JERRY: What did you really get?

GEORGE: You are my friend.

JERRY: Of course.

GEORGE: I tell you everything, right?

JERRY: I hope so.

GEORGE: Well, this, I take to the grave.

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
(Jerry's watching the Dream Cafe through the window with a pair of binoculars.)

JERRY: He's serving Mexican, Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one is going in.

ELAINE: Why do you keep watching?

JERRY: I don't know. I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet, struggling for survivial, and even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root for it, awhile.

ELAINE: And then you flush.

JERRY: Well, it's a spider.

ELAINE: You know, sometimes people won't go into a place if they don't see anyone else in there. (Jerry pulls his sweater collar up over his nose.) You have to do that? Jerry, don't do that. That is so annoying.

JERRY: Bazooka Joe. (Jerry's intercom buzzes.) The buzzer.

ELAINE: It's your house.

JERRY: My house? You have to be the on the lease to press the buzzer? (Through the intercom.) Yeah?

GEORGE: (Outside.) It's George.

JERRY: (Letting him up.) Come on up.

ELAINE: Casus belli.

JERRY: What's that?

ELAINE: It's Latin. I read it in some book. I don't know, I just wanted to say it out loud.

JERRY: (Re: Dream Cafe passersby.) Go in, go in!

ELAINE: Have you gone there?

JERRY: No, I'm afraid if we start talking, I'm gonna wind up going partners with him.

(George enters with an SAT study book.)

GEORGE: Hi.

JERRY: (Re: Dream Cafe.) You know, I could probably shoot him from up here. I'd be doing us both a favor.

(Elaine sniffs the air.)

GEORGE: I'm wearing some cologne, all right?

ELAINE: Sure, fine.

JERRY: Casus belli.

ELAINE: Casus belli.

GEORGE: What is that?

ELAINE: Since when do you wear cologne?

GEORGE: Why? What do I do that's so important? Why must I be always the vocal point of attention? Let me just be. Let me live.

JERRY: Hey, how did you do on that I.Q. test?

GEORGE: I didn't take it, yet.

ELAINE: What I.Q. test?

GEORGE: What's casus belli?

JERRY: Oh, it's nothing...

GEORGE: Is it about me?

JERRY: Why must you always be the vocal point of attention? Why can't you just be? Why can't you live?

ELAINE: It's just a Latin phrase, George. It does not mean anything. Now, what is this test?

JERRY: This woman he's dating is making him take this I.Q. test for this course...

ELAINE: Oh, that sounds like fun.

GEORGE: Yeah, fun. I.Q. tests are totally bogus. They prove nothing.

ELAINE: You'll do well. You're smart.

JERRY: No, see, he's not smart. People think he's smart. But, he's not.

ELAINE: What did you get on your SATs?

GEORGE: It varies.

JERRY: You know, I don't even know my I.Q.

ELAINE: Mine's 145.

GEORGE: 145!

JERRY: Get out of here!

ELAINE: You get out of here!

JERRY: You get out of here!

GEORGE: (To Elaine.) You should take the test for me.

JERRY: Well, that would be something. Cheating on an I.Q. test. Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that.

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. I really had some guts, back then...why couldn't we do that again?

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: You could take the I.Q. test for me. I could pass it to you out the window. We could do it; she lives on the first floor.

ELAINE: Are you serious?

GEORGE: Why not?

ELAINE: Where would I take the test?

GEORGE: I don't know. She lives right around the corner. Take it here. Or, go to the coffee shop.

ELAINE: No, that would be too noisy.

JERRY: Take it to the Dream Cafe. You won't hear a peep.

ELAINE: Hey, what do you think?

JERRY: Hey, I love a good caper.

ELAINE: Yeah, that's what this is: a caper.

GEORGE: You'll do it?

ELAINE: What the hey.

GEORGE: Yeah! Beautiful. (They try to high five eachother, but George ends up hitting Elaine in the face.) Sorry...

[Scene: Dream Cafe]
(Jerry enters.)

BABU: Welcome to the Dream Cafe.

JERRY: Well, I've been looking forward to it.

BABU: Oh? How did you hear about us?

JERRY: Eh, people. People are talking.

BABU: Smoking or non smoking? We are proud to offer both.

JERRY: Non smoking would be great.

BABU: Very good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I will be your waiter. (Handing Jerry a towel.) A steaming hot face cloth for your pleasure.

JERRY: Thank you.

BABU: Our specials are tacos, moussaka and franks and beans.

JERRY: Well, what do you recommend, my good fellow?

BABU: Oh, the turkey.

JERRY: Oh, the turkey it'll be. And may I say you have a splendid establishment, here, my friend. I'm sure you'll flourish in this location for many, many years.

BABU: You're a very kind man. Very kind, thank you. Very kind...

JERRY: (Inner monologue.) Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people like I do. All right, snap out of it, you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do you want, a Nobel prize?

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom]
GEORGE: You go in the living room. I'll take the test in here.

MONICA: But, why?

GEORGE: I can't concentrate in front of you.

MONICA: Oh, I think you're making too much of this. I.Q. tests don't mean a thing.

GEORGE: Are you kidding me? This is the best tool we have, today, of measuring a person's intelligence.

MONICA: Well, I certainly don't place any importance on it.

GEORGE: Well, I think you're wrong about that. And now, if you would excuse me, I would like to get started, please.

MONICA: Good luck.

GEORGE: Don't need it.

(Monica leaves. George goes to the window, where Elaine is standing outside.)

ELAINE: What's been going on in there? I've been standing here for twenty minutes.

GEORGE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Here's the test. Thanks again, for doing this.

ELAINE: All right. What time do you want me back here?

GEORGE: Eh, twenty to three.

ELAINE: Okay.

GEORGE: Thanks, again.

ELAINE: All right.

GEORGE: And don't settle for 145. You can do better. You're a genius.

[Scene: Dream Cafe]
(Babu fills Jerry's water.)

JERRY: Thank you, Babu. You have quite a flair. You are quite the restaurateur, I must say.

BABU: It is, indeed, my pleasure.

JERRY: (Modest.) Oh, please...

(Elaine enters.)

BABU: Oh, welcome to the Dream Cafe. Our specials today--

ELAINE: Oh, no, no. I'll just have a tea and toast.

BABU: Tea and toast.

JERRY: (To Elaine.) Eat something! Babu...

ELAINE: Um, okay. I'll have the rigatoni.

BABU: Oh, very good choice. Very good.

(Elaine begins to open the envelope.)

JERRY: Oh, wow. So you got the test. You're cheating.

ELAINE: I know.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Oh, boy. Jerry, let me ask you something...Hi, Elaine.

ELAINE: Hey.

KRAMER: This guy leaves this jacket at my mother's house two years ago. Now, she hasn't spoken to him since and now, he says he wants the jacket back.

JERRY: So?

KRAMER: Well, I'm not giving it back.

JERRY: Why not?

KRAMER: Because, I met a lot of women in this jacket. You know, they're attracted to it. Why do you think my mother went out with him? (Accidentally spills some food on Elaine's test.) Oh, gees...

ELAINE: Yeah, okay...

(Elaine takes up the test and moves to another table.)

KRAMER: Anyway, it's been two years. I mean, isn't there, like, a statue of limitations on that?

JERRY: Statute.

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: Statute of limitations. It's not statue.

KRAMER: No, statue.

JERRY: Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations.

KRAMER: Just wait a minute...Elaine? Elaine! Now, you're smart; is it statue or statute of limitations?

ELAINE: Statute.

KRAMER: Oh, I really think you're wrong.

ELAINE: Look, Kramer, I have to take this test, okay? I don't have a lot of time.

KRAMER: What test?

ELAINE: An I.Q. test.

KRAMER: Why are you taking an I.Q. test?

ELAINE: It's for George.

KRAMER: George?

ELAINE: Yeah. Can I...can I explain it to you, later?

KRAMER: Why are you taking an I.Q. test for George?

ELAINE: Would you please?!

KRAMER: What, is it for a job, or something?

ELAINE: Later!

KRAMER: You're positive it's statute?

ELAINE: Yes, yes!

BABU: (To Kramer.) Welcome, welcome. A steaming hot face cloth...

(Babu gives Kramer a hot towel. Kramer screams out in pain and falls from his chair.)

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom]
(George is reading the New Yorker on the bed as Monica is trying to get in.)

MONICA: George?

GEORGE: Yeah?

MONICA: The door is locked.

GEORGE: Oh, it's locked?

MONICA: I need to get something.

GEORGE: Monica, I'm really focused, here. This stuff's a killer.

MONICA: George!

GEORGE: I wish I could.

[Scene: Dream Cafe]
(Babu is singing, distracting Elaine.)

ELAINE: Babu! If you don't mind...

(Babu comes to collect dishes from Elaine's table and knocks down a cup of coffee.)

ELAINE: Oh, my God! It's all over the test!

BABU: Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

ELAINE: Oh, man! Look at this...and I'm late, anyway.

BABU: Please, forgive me, please...

JERRY: (To Elaine.) Go ahead, I'll take care of it.

BABU: I'm very sorry. (As Elaine storms out.) Tell your friends!

JERRY: It's all right. She was cheating, anyway.

BABU: You're a very kind man.

JERRY: Babu, you're Pakistani?

BABU: Yes, Pakistani. Yes.

JERRY: Babu, may I say something?

BABU: Of course. You're a very smart man. I'll listen.

JERRY: I'm not a restaurateur, by any means, but it occurred to me that, perhaps, you might serve some dishes from your native Pakistan. As opposed to franks and beans, for example.

BABU: But, there are no Pakistani people here.

JERRY: Doesn't matter. you would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant in the whole neighborhood.

BABU: Yes, you see everything, don't you?

JERRY: Well, not everything. I do what I can.

BABU: I'll close down, today, and when I open, again, it'll be a whole Pakistani restaurant. Thank you, thank you very much. You're a very special person. Very special.

JERRY: (Inner monologue.) I am such a great guy. Who else would've gone through the trouble of helping this poor immigrant? I am special. My mother was right. Of course, I've never had Pakistani food. How bad could it be?

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom]
(Elaine is returning the test to George.)

ELAINE: It was an accident.

GEORGE: What, did you go on a picnic?

ELAINE: Babu Bhatt did it.

GEORGE: Babu Bhatt? How am I going to explain this?

MONICA: (Knocking.) Times up, George.

GEORGE: Okay. (Opens the door and hands Monica the test.) Here you go.

MONICA: How did you do?

GEORGE: Piece of cake.

MONICA: What happened to the test?

GEORGE: What? I spilled some food on it.

MONICA: Food? What food?

GEORGE: What are you talking about?

MONICA: Where did you get food?

GEORGE: From my pocket.

MONICA: What?

GEORGE: I, uh, I had a sandwich in my pocket.

MONICA: And coffee?

GEORGE: Yeah, had some coffee. Yeah.

MONICA: Where did you get the coffee?

GEORGE: Where did I get the coffee? Where do you think I got the coffee; from the grocery store.

MONICA: How did you get there?

GEORGE: I walked.

MONICA: How did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave.

GEORGE: I climbed out the window.

MONICA: You climbed out the window?

GEORGE: Of course.

MONICA: Why didn't you go out the door?

GEORGE: The door? Why would I go out the door? The window is right here.

MONICA: You are a fascinating man, George Costanza.

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
(Jerry's at the window with his binoculars, again. There's a sign on the Dream Cafe window: Closed for Renovation.)

JERRY: Most people in a situation like this, they walk right by it. Not me.

ELAINE: You're very special.

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Hey, do me a favor. If some guy comes in, looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am.

JERRY: Of course. I always do.

KRAMER: No, no. It's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket.

ELAINE: Just give it back to him.

KRAMER: Oh, he'll have to kill me.

(Kramer exits. Jerry sees George from out his window.)

JERRY: (Calling out to him.) Hey, Georgie!

GEORGE: (On the ground, below.) Coming up.

JERRY: (Ibid.) How did you do on the I.Q. test?!

GEORGE: (Ibid.) 85!

JERRY: (Ibid.) What?!

GEORGE: (Ibid.) 85, Jerry! 85 I.Q.!

(Jerry laughs.)

ELAINE: 85?

JERRY: Well, well, well...

ELAINE: He's coming up?

JERRY: Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations, he should be here in a few seconds.

ELAINE: Yeah, but an 85. That's ridiculous.

JERRY: Well, maybe the test was gender bias. You know, a lot of questions about hunting and testicles.

(George enters.)

GEORGE: (To Elaine.) Oh, hello, professor.

ELAINE: George, I cannot believe...

GEORGE: Please.

ELAINE: No, there has got to be a mistake.

GEORGE: You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

JERRY: But, an 85?

ELAIEN: There were too many distractions, there. Babu...what ever his name was, and Kramer. I couldn't concentrate.

JERRY: (Dry.) It was a madhouse.

ELAINE: Jerry! It was! (To George.) Let me take it, again.

GEORGE: Whow. Forget it.

ELAINE: Oh, come on. Come on. I guarantee 140. What do you have to lose?

GEORGE: You could do worse!

ELAINE: No, no. I guarantee it.

GEORGE: All right. I'll ask her.

ELAINE: Okay, now, where am I going to take it?

JERRY: Take it here. I'll leave, there'll be no distractions.

[Scene: Dream Cafe]
(Jerry enters. Babu has a melancholy look.)

JERRY: Well, congratulations, my friend. You know, I'm sorry I missed the grand re-opening. I was out of town for about a week.

BABU: You see how I listened? I worked very hard, borrowed more money.

JERRY: I think it's fantastic. It has a certain indefinable charm.

BABU: You wish to eat?

JERRY: Let me tell you something, Babu. You go back there in that kitchen and tell your chef I want the works.

BABU: Very good.

JERRY: (Inner monologue.) Very good? No. Not very good. Very great. I am very, very great.

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
(Elaine is finishing the test.)

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom]
(George is pacing around the room.)

[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: You know, the I.Q. test has always that sample question at the beginning where they show how to fill in the circle. It should be the first eliminating point, right there. Anybody goes outside of that circle, "Yeah, you want to come with us? Yeah, you're done. The test is over. You went outside the circle, okay?"

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
(Elaine is putting the test back in the envelope, getting ready to leave. Kramer comes in and locks the door behind him.)

ELAINE: What are you doing?

KRAMER: Quiet. Shh. Don't say anything.

ELAINE: What's going on?

MAN: (From the hallway.) Hey, Kramer! I saw you go in there! I'm not leaving until I get the jacket. (Bangs on the door.) Open up, Kramer!

ELAINE: Why did you come in here for?

KRAMER: I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live.

ELAINE: Well, Kramer, I have to return this test. I've got to get out of here.

KRAMER: I thought you took the test.

ELAINE: I had to take it, again.

KRAMER: How come?

ELAINE: What's the difference?!

KRAMER: Well, you can't leave now.

ELAINE: What?

MAN: Come on, Kramer! I want that jacket back!

KRAMER: Never!

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom]
(George is looking out the window. Monica knocks on the door.)

MONICA: George, open up. (George reluctantly opens the door.) Well?

GEORGE: How you doing?

MONICA: Where's the test?

GEORGE: You know...it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window, again, to get a cup of coffe...

[Scene: Dream Cafe]
JERRY: Babu? Babu...(Waves for Babu to come to the table.) Babu, you know, I got to tel lyou, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just that it's a little stringy. You have any chicken?

BABU: The shrimp is stringy?

JERRY: Well, maybe your refrigerator--

BABU: Quiet! You, shut up! You make me change restaurant, but nobody comes! You say, "Make Pakistani, Babu Bhatt, have only Pakistani restaurant." But, where are people? You see people? Show me people. There are no people!

JERRY: You know, I think I'll just take the check.

BABU: (Retreating to the kitchen.) You bad man! You very, very bad man!

JERRY: (Inner monologue.) Bad man? Could my mother've been wrong?

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom]
(Elaine gently taps the window until Monica opens it up.)

MONICA: Are you looking for George?

ELAINE: Well, eh, kind of...

MONICA: George left.

ELAINE: Oh.

MONICA: Is that the test?

ELAINE: Oh, this? Umm...yeah. Here you go.

MONICA: (Taking the test.) Thanks. I hope you did do a lot better, this time.

ELAINE: Actually, you know what, I think I did. The first time, I couldn't really cons...(Monica closes the window, angry.)...entrate.

[Scene: NYC Street]
(George, Jerry and Kramer are standing across the street from the Dream Cafe. The restaurant has a Closed sign on the window and men are carrying furniture out.)

JERRY: You know what it was? Bad location.

GEORGE: Let's not stand here. We might run into her.

JERRY: (To Kramer.) Aren't you cold? Where's your jacket?

KRAMER: Yeah...

JERRY: Oh, I'm sorry.

KRAMER: I'm going upstairs.

(Kramer exits as Elaine enters.)

ELAINE: Hey, guys. I just ran into Monica. You know what my I.Q. is? 151.

JERRY: 151?

GEORGE: That's a good score.

JERRY: So, what are you up for? How about Mexican?

GEORGE: Italian.

ELAINE: No, Chinese.

JERRY: You know what would be great?

(George and Elaine give Jerry a long look.)

[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: It's tough to do a good deed. Just look at your professional good deed doers. Your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spidermen, your Elasticmen. They are all wearing disguises--masks over their faces. Secret identities; don't want people to know who they are. It's too much aggravation. "Superman, thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through the wall? I'm renting, here. I've got a security deposit. What am I suppose to do?"