Written by: Larry David Directed by: Tom Cherones Broadcasted: May 2, 1991 for the first time. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Siobhan Fallon (as Tina).

[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: I've been watching women in the department stores. They're trying on clothes, and I've noticed that they do it differently from men. Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes, you see? They take a dress off the rack, and they hold it up against themself. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out 'cause they need to know, "If some day I'm one-legged, and at a fourty-five degree angle, what am I gonna wear?" You never see a man do that. You never see a guy take a suit off the rack, put his head in the neck, and go, "What do you think about this suit? I think I'll get it. Yeah, it looks fine. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I wanna make sure. Yeah, perfect. And what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes."

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry and Elaine are watching TV. Elaine's flipping around the stations with the remote rapidly)

JERRY: What are you doing? Alright, alright.. What's the matter with that? What about that one?

ELAINE: Robert Vaughn? The Helsinki Formula?

JERRY: He was good in Man From U.N.C.L.E.

ELAINE: ...Guess whose birthday's comin' up soon?

JERRY: I know, I'm having my root canal the same week.

ELAINE: Oh, right.. I hope you have a good oral surgeon because that can be very serious. (Changes channel) Hey look, naked people.

JERRY: No, I don't wanna see the naked people.

ELAINE: Been a while?

JERRY: I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago.

ELAINE: I think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot shorter.

JERRY: I remember that it's a good thing. Someday, I hope to do it again.

(Jerry gives Elaine a quick glance)

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: What was that look?

JERRY: What look?

ELAINE: The look you just gave me.

JERRY: I gave a look?

ELAINE: Yes.

JERRY: What kind of look?

ELAINE: I know that look.

JERRY: Then what was it?

ELAINE: Why should I tell you?

JERRY: Well, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart you are.

ELAINE: Trust me. I know the look. (Turns back to the TV) So..

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: What about the look?

JERRY: I don't know.

ELAINE: ..You got something on your mind?

JERRY: No. Things pop into your head.. You?

ELAINE: Things occur to me from time to time.

JERRY: Yeah, me too.. (The both turn back to the TV, then..) Well, you can't expect to just forget the past completely.

ELAINE: No, of course not.

JERRY: I mean, it was something we did. Probably about, what? Twenty-five times?

ELAINE: Thirty-seven.

JERRY: (Gesturing to the bedroom) Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there.

ELAINE: We know the terrain.

JERRY: No big surprises.

ELAINE: Nope.

(Both turn back to the TV, then..)

JERRY: ..What do you think?

ELAINE: I don't know. What do you think?

JERRY: Well.. it's something to consider.

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: I mean, let's say.. what if we did?

ELAINE: What if.

JERRY: Is that like the end of the world or something?

ELAINE: Certainly not.

JERRY: Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?

ELAINE: I know.

JERRY: I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Gestures to bedroom) We're in there for a while.. We come right back out here. It's not complicated.

ELAINE: It's almost stupid if we didn't.

JERRY: It's moronic.

ELAINE: Absurd.

JERRY: ..Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.

ELAINE: We, there are always a few.

JERRY: I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would really be bad.

ELAINE: Devastating.

JERRY: Because "this" (Meaning the friendship) is very good. (Gestures back and forth between them to indicate friendship)

ELAINE: (Gestures to bedroom) And "that" (Meaning the sex) would be good.

JERRY: (Agreeing) "That" would be good too. The idea is combine the "this" and the "that". But "this" cannot be disturbed.

ELAINE: Yeah, we just wanna take "this" and add "that".

(A moment passes)

JERRY: But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.

ELAINE: (Taking it into consideration) Huh.

JERRY: For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa.

ELAINE: Right.

JERRY: But if we did "that", we might feel a certain obligation to call.

ELAINE: Well why should that be? Oh! I have an idea. I have an idea. No call the day after "that".

JERRY: Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.

ELAINE: Alright, Sir.

JERRY: Now here's another little rule. When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get invloved with "that", they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from "that". And I don't see why sleep got all tied up (Crisscrosses his arms, signaling the two things getting tied up) and connected with "that".

ELAINE: Okay, okay. Spending the night is optional!

JERRY: Well now we're gettin' somewhere.

ELAINE: What about the kiss goodnight?

JERRY: Tough one. You're call.

ELAINE: It's bourgeois.

JERRY: Fine. Well..

ELAINE: Well.

JERRY: (Stands up) You ready?

ELAINE: Ready.

(They both start heading tward the bedroom)

JERRY: So think you can handle this?

ELAINE: Definitely. (Runs into bookshelf)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(It's the next day. Jerry's at the kitchen pouring juice when Kramer knocks, then lets himself in)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Got the paper?

JERRY: Not yet.

KRAMER: No paper?

JERRY: I haven't been out yet.

KRAMER: Well, what's taking you so long? (Just then, Elaine enters from the bedroom wearing nothing but one of Jerry's shirts. Kramer looks at Jerry, then figures out what happend. He becomes a little shocked) Uh? Oh, well, yeah.. (Exits)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: The Coffee shop]

GEORGE: What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on land, or was he just restricted to water?

JERRY: No, I think I saw him on land a couple times. (A waitress delivers their food to them, then leaves) So how's the job situation goin'?

GEORGE: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?

JERRY: Nothin' much. (Slips in, casually) I slept with Elaine last night.

GEORGE: (Out of breath and speechless) Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major.

JERRY: (Smiling) I thought you'd like that.

GEORGE: Oh, this is huge!

JERRY: I know.

GEORGE: All right, okay. Let's go. Details.

JERRY: (Modestly) Nah, I can't do details.

GEORGE: You what?

JERRY: I can't give details.

GEORGE: (Let down) No details?

JERRY: I'm not in the mood.

GEORGE: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details? Now you listen to me, I want details and I want them right now! I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood?! Well you get in the mood!

JERRY: Alright, okay. Well, we're in the apartment watching TV..

GEORGE: Where are you sitting?

JERRY: On the couch.

GEORGE: Next to each other?

JERRY: No, separated.

GEORGE: Time?

JERRY: Around eleven.

George: (Takes all the facts in) Okay, go ahead.

JERRY: So she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked station. GEORGE: Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face.. (Back to the subject..) Alright, alright. So you're watching the naked station..

JERRY: And then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we had sex?

GEORGE: Boy, these are really bad details.

JERRY: It pains me to say this, but I may be getting to mature for details.

GEORGE: Oh, I hate to hear this. Any kind of growth really irritates me.

JERRY: Well. I'll tell you though, it was really passionate.

GEORGE: Better than before?

JERRY: She must've taken some kind of seminar or something.

GEORGE: This is all too much. So what are you feeling? What's going on? Are you, like, a couple again now?

JERRY: Not exactly.

GEORGE: "Not exactly"? What does that mean?

JERRY: Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (George laughs hysterically and stands up) What?

GEORGE: Where are you, living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible! It can't be done. (Sits back down) Thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden, the two of you are going to come along and do it? Where do you get the ego?! No one can do it. It can't be done.

JERRY: I think we've worked out a system.

GEORGE: Oh, you know what you're like? You're like a pathetic gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at Blackjack.

JERRY: No, this is very advanced. We've designed at set of rules. That we can maintain the friendship by advancing all of the relationship pitfalls.

GEORGE: (Sceptical) Alright, alright. Tell me the rules.

JERRY: Okay.. no calls the next day.

GEORGE: (To himself) So you're havin' the sex, next day you don't have to call.. That's pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead.

JERRY: You ready for the second one?

GEORGE: I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed with the first one.

JERRY: ..Spending the night: Optional.

GEORGE: Nah, you see? You got greedy.

JERRY: No, that's the rule. It's optional.

GEORGE: I know less about women than anyone in the world, but one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. I could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide (Shows a small diagram of a bed with a french fry) You're not going anywhere.

JERRY: I think you're wrong.

GEORGE: I hope I am.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Elaine's apartment]

(Jerry's looking through Elaine's refrigerator. Elaine comes out of her bedroom wearing a big T-shirt. Jerry pulls out a piece of cake)

JERRY: Is this yours or the roommate's?

ELAINE: The roommate's.

JERRY: Would she mind?

ELAINE: She keeps track of everything.

JERRY: Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin' it.

ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Thanks.

JERRY: (Tucking in his shirt) Well.. guess I'll get going.

ELAINE: (A little let down) Oh?

JERRY: Well, I have that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be easier if I go home.

ELAINE: (Angered) Fine. Go away.

JERRY: I don't understand. Is there a problem? (Elaine's pulling a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) ..I'm getting the impression there's a problem.

ELAINE: Just go.

JERRY: I'm having surgery tomorrow!

ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Oh, surgery. You're going to the dentist.

JERRY: But you said, it can be very serious.

ELAINE: Okay, so fine. Go.

JERRY: What happened to the rules? Remember? Sleeping over was optional.

ELAINE: Yeah, it's my house, it's my option.

Jerry: It has nothing to do with whose house it is!

Elaine: Oh, of course it does!

(Elaine's roomate, Tina, enters)

TINA: Hi.

ELAINE AND JERRY: Hi.

TINA: Oh, hi, Jerry.

JERRY: Hi.

TINA: I had such a great improv class tonight.

ELAINE: Oh, really?

TINA: I had this improv where I pretended I was working in one of those booths.. You know, in the amusement park, where you have to shoot the water in the clown's mouth and you have to blow up the baloon..

ELAINE: Uh, Tina? Could you exuse us for just one second?

TINA: (Somewhat hurt) Oh, yeah. I'll exuse you. (Walks away)

(Jerry starts taking off his shoes)

ELAINE: What are you doing?

JERRY: I can't go if you're mad.

ELAINE: I'm not mad.

JERRY: You seemed a little mad.

ELAINE: No, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's okay.

JERRY: ..So you're okay with everything?

ELAINE: Definitely. Are you?

JERRY: Definitely. (Heads for the door) Well, goodnight.

ELAINE: Goodnight. (He leans in to kiss her, she stops him) What're you doing?

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: ..Rules.

(An awkward moment passes)

TINA: Hey, who took my cake?

(Jerry exits quickly)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: A Gift shop]

(Jerry and George are shopping for Elaine's birthday gifts)

GEORGE: What about jewelry? That's very nice gift.

JERRY: No, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to send the wrong message. Especially after the other night.

GEORGE: Maybe I'll get her some jewelry.

JERRY: No, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever I spend, you have to spend half.

GEORGE: What am I supposed to get her, Bazooka?!

JERRY: You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position. Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it.

GEORGE: What does she need? Maybe there's something that she needs.

JERRY: I think I heard her say something about a bench.

GEORGE: A bench? What kind of a bench?

JERRY: I don't know. She mentioned a bench.

GEORGE: What, like at a bus stop?

JERRY: I don't know.

GEORGE: Like a park bench?

JERRY: I have no idea.

GEORGE: Who puts a bench in their house?!

JERRY: (Getting annoyed by George) Forget the bench.

GEORGE: I got it. You wanna get her something nice? How 'bout a music box?

JERRY: No. Too "relationshippy". She opens it up, she hears that Lara's theme, I'm dead.

GEORGE: Okay, what about a nice frame? With a picture of another guy in it. The frame says, "I care for you, but if you wanna get serious. Perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this.."

JERRY: Nice looking fellow.

GEORGE: What about candle holders?

JERRY: Too romantic.

GEORGE: Lingerie?

JERRY: Too sexual.

GEORGE: Waffle maker.

JERRY: Too domestic.

GEORGE: Bust of Nelson Rockefeller.

JERRY: Too gubernatorial.

GEORGE: (Discouraged) Let's work on the card.

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: I had to buy a gift for someone, the hardest part to me is that card. That card is the killer. I never know what it's suppose to say. And, it's getting so tough, 'cause the relationships are becoming so complicated, greeting card companies now put out cards that are blank on the inside. Nothing. No message. I mean, it's like the card company says, "We give up. You think of something." You know, "For seventy-five cents, I don't want to get involved."

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Elaine is opening Jerry's gift. It's in a cake box)

JERRY: Maybe you won't like it.

ELAINE: Oh, how could I not like it? Of course I'll like it.

JERRY: You could not like it.

ELAINE: Just the fact that you remembered means everything.

JERRY: Of course I remembered. You reminded me everyday for two months. (Elaine playfully hits Jerry. Jerry just then remembers the card) Oh, the card. (Moves over to his desk for the card)

(Elaine opens the gift to find a big wad of cash)

ELAINE: ..Cash?

JERRY: Would do you think?

ELAINE: You got me cash?

JERRY: Well this way, I figure you can go out and get yourself whatever you want. (Sees her disappointed expression) No good?

ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Who are you, my uncle?

JERRY: Hey, come on. That's $182 right there. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at.

ELAINE: Let me see the card. (Jerry hands the card to her. She reads it out loud) "To a wonderful girl, a great pal, and more." (Now she's really let down)

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey. Oh, Elaine. I'm glad you're here. Stay right there. I'm gonna be right back. (Exits)

ELAINE: "A pal"? You think I'm your pal?

JERRY: (Pointing it out) I said, "and more."

ELAINE: I am not your pal.

JERRY: What's wrong with pal? Why is everyone so down on pal?

(Kramer enters with a large present)

ELAINE: Oh, what is this?

KRAMER: Yeah!

ELAINE: You got me something?

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Open it!

ELAINE: (Deeply touched) Oh Kramer.. (Opens the gift) The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted! (Jerry looks irritated. Elaine hugs Kramer)

KRAMER: (To Jerry) That's pretty good, huh?

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Great.

KRAMER: Remember when we were standing here and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it.

JERRY: (Still bitter, and sarcastic) Well goodie for you.

KRAMER: Oh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open.. So, what'd you get her?

JERRY: 182 bucks.

KRAMER: (Laughing) Cash? You gotta be kinding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would get her!

ELAINE: (Reading Kramer's card) "Think where man's glory most begins and ends, and say my glory was I had such a friend."

KRAMER: (To Jerry) Yeats.

ELAINE: (Touched) Oh Kramer.. (Kisses him) JERRY: (To Kramer) Could you excuse us, please?

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: We're talking.

KRAMER: Oh, the relationship. (Leaves)

JERRY: ..You know, we never had one fight before this deal.

ELAINE: I know.

JERRY: Never.

ELAINE: Ever.

JERRY: We got along beautifully.

Elaine: Like clams.

JERRY: It was wonderful.

ELAINE: A pleasure.

JERRY: ..So I think we should just forget the whole deal, and go back to being friends.

ELAINE: I can't do it.

JERRY: You what?

ELAINE: I can't do that.

JERRY: You mean it's.. (Jerry gestures "It's over". She nods) No "this". (Elaine shakes her head) No "that". (Again, she shakes her head "no") No "this" or "that"? Oh, boy.. What do you want?

ELAINE: "This", "that", and the "other".

JERRY: Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled.. Who doesn't want "this", "that", and the "other"?

ELAINE: You.

JERRY: (Starts to correct, then realizes that she's right) Well..

(Scene ends)
[Setting: The Coffee shop]

GEORGE: Those birthdays.. I told you. They're relationship killers. If a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday will always bring it out.

JERRY: I never should have made up those rules.

GEORGE: What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity?

JERRY: It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class.

GEORGE: You know what this means? I can't see her anymore either.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: It's break up by association.. Besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present.

JERRY: What did you end up giving her?

GEORGE: 91 dollars.

JERRY: (Realizes it's his fault) Sorry about that.

GEORGE: So what're you gonna do?

JERRY: Well, if I call her, there's no joking around anymore. This is pretty much it.

GEORGE: So, maybe this should be it.

JERRY: Could be it.

GEORGE: She seems like an "it".

JERRY: She's as "it" as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells me he's a sculptor, they live in Vermont..

GEORGE: We'd have to kill him.

JERRY: We'd get caught and I'd get the chair.

GEORGE: I'd go to prison as your accomplice. I'd have to wear that really heavy denim. Go to the cafeteria line with the guy who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate.. Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people.

JERRY: Plus, you know what else..

GEORGE: (Displaying his homophobia) You better call her.

(Scene ends)
{Setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: You get the papers yet?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: Well, where, where is it? (Elaine enters from bedroom with the newspaper) Hey, you done with that?

ELAINE: No.

KRAMER: Well, you're not reading it now?

ELAINE: All right, you can take it.. But I want it back.

KRAMER: (Heads for the door) Oh yeah.. So, ah, what're you guys gonna do today?

ELAINE: Ah, this and that..

JERRY: ..And the other.

KRAMER: (Not getting their inside-joke) Boy, I really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple. (Exits)

(Scene ends)
[Setting: Night club]

JERRY: Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that, for some reason, when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's involved with is like an exit. But he doesn't want to get out, he want's to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy, get out, here, now!" But the man is focusing on the sign underneath. It says, "Next exit, twenty-seven miles." And he thinks, "I can make it!"