[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: So, I'm on the plane--we left late--pilot says we're going to be making up some time in the air. I thought, well, isn't that interesting. We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now, my question is, if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? C'mon, there's no cops up there. Nail it. Give it some gas! We're flying!

[Scene: Airplane]
(Jerry is seated beside a talkative drunk, Gavin.)

GAVIN: Travelling, of course, is the best education. Do you know last year I was in over forty, forty-five countries? And I would have gone to more, but I had just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. But, now, I won't travel without him.

JERRY: Is he on the plane, now?

GAVIN: Oh, yes. Yes, he's in the, he's in the baggage compartment. I don't know why they won't let him sit up here, with me. He's a lot better behaved that most of the dregs you find onboard, here. Do you, do you have any pets?

JERRY: Uh, just my next door neighbor.

GAVIN: You're missing out on a relationship that could enrich your life in ways that you never could have thought possible.

JERRY: How 'bout picking up their...you know? You find that enriching? (Gavin sits back with a look of pain.) What's the matter?

GAVIN: Oh, I'm feeling a big queasy.

(The scene cuts to a later time. Gavin is lying on the plane's floor as some attendants are tending to him.)

ATTENDANT 1: Sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing in Chicago and get you to a hospital.

GAVIN: My dog. What about my dog?

ATTENDANT 1: Uh, you have a dog?

ATTENDANT 2: Do you know anyone on the plane, Mr. Palone?

(Elusively, Jerry stares out the window.)

GAVIN: Jerry?

JERRY: Huh? How you feeling?

GAVIN: Would you take care of Farfel?

JERRY: Farfel?

ATTENDANT 2: It's his dog. We're landing in Chicago to get him to a hospital. Could you take his dog to New York?

JERRY: The dog? The dog?

GAVIN: I'm sure it's only for a day or two.

JERRY: But, you know, what if...you know?

GAVIN: Give me your address and phone number, I'll call you.

JERRY: The dog?

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
(There's a loud, continuous barking coming from the bedroom. Jerry and Farfel are playing tug-of-war with one of Jerry's sneakers.)

JERRY: Let go, Farfel! Let go, gimme that! Give me the sneaker, you stupid idiot! Shut up! (To Elaine.) So, what would you do?

ELAINE: Well, it's only been three days. I'm sure he's gonna call.

JERRY: (To Farfel.) Stop it! Shut up! (To Elaine.) Do you believe this? Do you believe what I'm dealing with, here? I've got a wild animal in the house. He's deranged. Maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.

ELAINE: If only.

JERRY: Look at this place. He's going everywhere, I can't go out of the house at night. I haven't performed in three days. This'll be my first night out of the house since I got back.

ELAINE: Hey, when you walk him, do you...?

JERRY: Do I what?

ELAINE: Do you pick it up?

JERRY: Yes, I pick it up.

ELAINE: You pick it up?!

JERRY: Well, you have to.

ELAINE: Oh, boy. Would I love to see that.

JERRY: (To Farfel.) Shut up! Shut up, Farfel, stop it! (To Elaine.) I don't know what to do. I mean, what if I take it to the pound, then the guy shows up?

ELAINE: Maybe you should call the airline. They might know where he is.

JERRY: No, I tried. They don't know anything. (Notices Elaine making egg creams.) You gotta put the syrup in, first.

ELAINE: No, milk.

JERRY: I'm telling you, the guy's a drunk. He's probably on a bender.

ELAINE: What is a bender, anyhow?

JERRY: I don't know. They drink and they bend things at the bar.

ELAINE: I can't believe he hasn't called.

JERRY: Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog, Cujo. (To Farfel.) Shut up! One more day, and you are pound bound!

(Kramer enters.)

KRAMER: Sorry, I can't watch the dog, tonight.

JERRY: Why?

ELAINE: We're going to the movies. We're gonna see Prognosis Negative.

KRAMER: I can't. I gotta get this Ellen out of my life.

JERRY: You're breaking up?

KRAMER: Oh, ho, ho, ho. Yeah. The sooner, the better. I can't wait to do it. You know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going to hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get it on video, watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it. Oh, ho, yeah.

ELAINE: Kramer, I don't know how you lasted as long as you did.

KRAMER: Woah, you didn't like her?

ELAINE: If you could see her personality it would be like one of the Elephant Man exhibits, you know, where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps.

JERRY: I can't believe someone hasn't killed her, yet.

KRAMER: How come you never said anything?

JERRY: You can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend until after they stop seeing them.

KRAMER: I tell you.

JERRY: You. I'm talking about people.

ELAINE: Are we still going to the movies, tonight?

JERRY: No, I can't. I gotta watch Farfel. You and George can go without me.

ELAINE: Just me and George?

JERRY: Sure.

ELAINE: But we need you.

JERRY: What do you need me for?

(George buzzes Jerry's intercom.)

ELAINE: Because...(Answering the intercom.) Yeah?

GEORGE: (Outside.) Prognosis Negative!

ELAINE: (Lets George up.) Because, I relate to George through you. We're like friends-in-law. Besides, you said we were gonna see Prognosis Negative together. Can't you just put some newspapers down, or something?

JERRY: No, I can't trust him. He gets insane. I won't enjoy myself. That's right, Farfel. I'm talking about you!

ELAINE: Just me and George alone?

(George enters.)

GEORGE: Let's go, people. Let's go! It's Prognosis Negative time. Wa, ha, ha, ha!

JERRY: I can't go.

GEORGE: Can't go? Why not?

JERRY: Because I have to watch idiot Farfel.

GEORGE: I thought Kramer was watching.

JERRY: He's breaking up with his girlfriend, tonight.

GEORGE: Well, so what's the problem? You just put some newspaper down.

JERRY: No. I don't want that smell in the house.

GEORGE: You spritz a little Lysol on it.

JERRY: No, it's like B.O. and cologne. They combine forces into some kind of strange, mutant funk.

GEORGE: So, we're not going?

JERRY: Nah. You two go.

GEORGE: (To Elaine.) Oh. You still wanna go?

ELAINE: Do you?

GEORGE: If you want.

JERRY: Go ahead.

ELAINE: Well, it's...I really wanted to see Prognosis Negative with jerry, uh...you want to see Ponce de Leon?

GEORGE: Ponce de Leon? Okay. (To Jerry.) You sure you don't wanna go?

JERRY: I want to, but I can't.

ELAINE: Oh! I tell you what. How about if I come back here, first, and I clean everything up and I open up the windows and if you're still not satisfied, we can switch apartments for the night?

JERRY: No.

GEORGE: What about this--

JERRY: Forget it. Go ahead, you'll have a good time.

ELAINE: I know. It's not that.

GEORGE: It's just, we want you to go.

JERRY: Well, thank you, very much. (To Farfel.) I'm telling you, one more day, stink breath!

[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which, to me, is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?

[Scene: Monk's Diner]
GEORGE: So, how long did you live there?

ELAINE: About three years.

GEORGE: That's pretty long.

ELAINE: Hmm.

GEORGE: It's not that long, really.

ELAINE: Yeah.

(An awkward silence ensues. They both speak at the same time, then stop. Another silence.)

GEORGE: And then you came here.

ELAINE: Yeah. So, I've been here about six years.

GEORGE: (Counting on his fingers.) Eight-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one...Yep.

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
JERRY: Bad dog! Bad dog! You go outside! Outside! What do you want from me? Tell me. Money? You want money? I'll give you money. How much?!

[Scene: Ellen's Apartment]
(Kramer's breaking up with Ellen.)

KRAMER: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you! Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day...you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Couldn't respect myself!

[Scene: Monk's Diner]
GEORGE: I like herbal tea. (Elaine yawns.) Camomile's good. Lemon Lift. Almond Pleasure...

ELAINE: Jerry likes Morning Thunder.

GEORGE: Jerry drinks Morning Thunder?

ELAINE: Yeah.

GEORGE: Morning Thunder has caffeine in it. Jerry doesn't drink caffeine.

ELAINE: Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has caffeine in it.

GEORGE: You don't tell him?

ELAINE: (Laughing.) No. And you should see him. Man, he gets all hyper. He doesn't even know why; he loves it! He walks around going, "God, I feel great!"

GEORGE: (Laughing.) You don't tell him?

ELAINE: No.

GEORGE: That is so funny!

ELAINE: I know!

GEORGE: Wait. Have you ever seen him throw up?

(They both make the same convulsive gestures together and then break out into a fit of laughter.)

[Scene: Ellen's Apartment]
(Kramer has had a change of heart.)

KRAMER: Please! Please! I take it all back; everything! I take it all back. Every word! I love you! I love you! I can't live without you; I'll do anything!

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
(Jerry's on the phone. Farfel is still barking in the background.)

JERRY: That's right, Gavin Palone. What? Are you sure? He was released on Monday? Last Monday? Did he leave a phone number or address? Unbelieveable. Well, thank you. Thanks, thanks very much. (Hangs up.) That's it, Farfel! Party's over. Start packing up your little squeeze toys, buddy boy. You're checking out!

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
ELAINE: It was weird, because George and I got along so great in so many situations, but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one.

JERRY: Oh, one-on-one's a whole different game. Can't pass off.

ELAINE: The only time it wasn't uncomfortable was when we were making fun of you.

JERRY: (Answering the phone.) Hello? A-ha! Boy, George, about time. Beautiful. How soon? Okay, here's the plan: we take the dog to the pound, we go right to the movies. Right. You, me and Elaine. Yes, all three of us. I am going. Okay, see you in five minutes. (Jerry hangs up and then begins to sing and dance.) Going to the dog pound, everybody! Going to the dog pound, come on down. (To Elaine.) What?

ELAINE: Do you have to?

JERRY: What am I suppose to do? I don't wnat to do it. I like dogs. I'm not sure this is a dog.

ELAINE: You know, the guy might have just lost your number.

JERRY: I'm in the book and I have a machine.

ELAINE: Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them there for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them.

JERRY: Really? How late are they open?

(Kramer enters with a sullen look.)

JERRY: What?

ELAINE: What is it?

KRAMER: I went back with Ellen.

JERRY AND ELAIEN: Ohh, that's great.

ELAINE: Terrific.

JERRY: Yeah, I really think you guys are good together.

ELAINE: Yes, she understands you and she is not demanding.

KRAMER: Do you think that I forgot what you two said about her?

JERRY: I was just trying to be supportive, you know. I knew you were upset.

KRAMER: From now on, when we pass each other in the hall, I don't know you. You don't know me.

ELAINE: Oh, Kramer, we didn't mean it.

JERRY: What are you doing?

KRAMER: I'm getting my pot.

(Kramer grabs a pot from under the counter and walks out.)

ELAINE: Kramer, we like her.

JERRY: kramer?...(To Elaine.) What did we say that's so bad?

ELAINE: I believe I referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit.

JERRY: I said how come no one's killed her. Probably shouldn't have said anything. Everyone knows the first break-up never takes. (Answering the buzzer.) Yeah?

GEORGE: (Outside.) Prognosis Negative!

(Jerry lets him up.)

JERRY: Okay, Farfel, put your shoes on.

ELAINE: Jerry, can't you just give it one more day? It's not his fault.

JERRY: It's not my dog. I don't know where this boozehound is.

ELAINE: All right, I tell you what, how about if you and George go to the movies, and I stay here and watch the dog, tonight?

JERRY: I can't let you do that. What about Prognosis Negative?

ELAINE: We'll see it Sunday.

(George enters.)

GEORGE: Tonight's the night, right? Prognosis Negative?

ELAINE: I'm not going. I'm gonna watch the dog.

GEORGE: What does this mean?

JERRY: Well, we'll go see something else, tonight. We'll see, uh, Ponce de Leon.

GEORGE: What is with this dog? I thought we were taking it to the pound.

JERRY: She talked me into one more day. Talk amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

GEORGE: Uh, Jerry, how long will you be in there?

JERRY: I don't know. Regular human time?

GEORGE: Uh, why don't you wait, then go in the movies?

JERRY: Why shouldn't I go, here?

ELAINE: Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's good to get there and make sure you get your seats, and then go to the bathroom.

GEORGE: And isn't it more fun using a urinal?

ELAINE: Yeah.

JERRY: (Dry.) Oh, yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?

GEORGE: Hey, go.

ELAINE: Who's stopping you?

GEORGE: What, are you doing me a favor?

ELAINE: Liek we care if you go to the bathroom.

(Elaine and George get uncomfortable as Jerry shuts the bathroom door.)

GEORGE: How's it going?

ELAINE: Good. Good. You?

GEORGE: Things are good.

ELAINE: Boy, he takes such a long time.

GEORGE: I know.

ELAINE: You know what he does, in there? He gargles.

GEORGE: Jerry gargles? Is that why he takes so long?

ELAINE: Yeah, he does it, like, six times a day.

GEORGE: How come we never hear him?

ELAINE: Because he does it quiet. He does it quiet. Lookit, just like this, watch.

(Elaine gargles some water and they both break out in laughter.)

GEORGE: Wait, wait. Did you ever see him throw up?

ELAINE: We talked about that, already.

GEORGE: Oh.

[Scene: Cine 66 Theater]
(Jerry and George are in the line outside.)

GEORGE: I have nothing to say to anybody. I'm so uninteresting. I think I'm out of conversation.

JERRY: So, what are you calling me six times a day?

GEORGE: All I know about is sports. That's it. No matter how depressed I get, I could always read the sports section.

JERRY: I could read the sports section if my hair was on fire.

GEORGE: Know what? Ponce de Leon is sold out.

JERRY: It is? Oh yeah, you're right. What else is playing?

GEORGE: Nothing, except Prognosis Negative.

JERRY: Boy, I know she really wants to see that with me.

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
(Elaine and Farfel are playing tug-of-war with Jerry's jacket.)

ELAINE: Give me the jacket, furface! This is not Seinfeld you're dealing with! When I get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound!

(The telephone rings.)

ELAINE: Shut up, shut up! (Answers the phone.) Hello? No, who's calling? Oh, my God. The dog guy. Where have you been? Yeah, well you better come pick up your dog, tonight, or he has humped his last leg!

[Scene: Cine 66 Theater]
(Jerry and George are in the same spots.)

GEORGE: I mean, I could understand if there was something else playing, but it's this, or nothing.

JERRY: I don't know what to do.

GEORGE: What is this saving movies, thing? Something's playing, you go.

JERRY: I know, I know.

GEORGE: So, what? We're gonna do nothing, now? This is crazy.

JERRY: It is kind of silly.

GEORGE: Of course it is.

JERRY: I mean, it's just a movie. For God's sake.

GEORGE: Exactly.

JERRY: It's not like she's in the movie.

GEORGE: Right.

JERRY: Am I suppose to ruin the whole night because she wants to see it? I mean, if I could have seen it with her, fine, but I can't control all these circumstances and schedules and peoples' availabilites at the movies.

GEORGE: And she'll still see it. You're not stopping her from seeing it.

JERRY: How does sitting next to a person in a movie theater increase the level of enjoyment? You can't talk during a movie. You know, this is stupid. C'mon, let's just go.

GEORGE: Good.

JERRY: (Scoffs.) Saving movies.

GEORGE: Ridiculous!

JERRY: (To the box office attendant.) Two for Prognosis Negative. (To George.) I'm in trouble.

GEORGE: Oh, you're dead.

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
(Gavin has come to get his dog.)

GAVIN: Bell's Palsy. The entire side of my, of, of my face was paralyzed. (Yelling at his dog.) Farfel! (To Jerry.) I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't even feed myself. I was completely incapacitated. Quiet, Farfel!

JERRY: You know, it's interesting, because I called the hospital and they said you were released on Monday.

GAVIN: Yes, yes. That's true, but then I was taken to the Bell's Palsy Center in, in, in, in Rockford. Absolutely first rate facility, top notch physicians.

KRAMER: (From the hallway, where Farfel is.) Hey, come on. Come on, get off me!

GAVIN: He won't hurt you. He's just playing.

KRAMER: (Ibid.) Hey, you keep that mutt away from me.

GAVIN: Mutt? I'll wager his parents are more pure than yours.

ELLEN: (Calling out from within Kramer's apartment.) Kramer, are you coming?

JERRY: Oh, hi, Ellen.

ELLEN: (Ibid. To Kramer.) Get in here.

(Kramer sullenly goes back to his apartment.)

JERRY: Listen, it's really been a pleasure taking care of your dog for a week, but if you don't mind...

GAVIN: Pre-prediction: you'll be calling me to ask if you can come and visit him before the month is out.

JERRY: Prediction: I never see you or him again for the rest of my life.

(Farfel's leash pulls Gavin down the hallway as Jerry shuts the door.)

[Scene: Jerry's Apartment]
ELAINE: We made plans.

JERRY: Why don't we just rent a movie?

ELAINE: I thought you wanted to see Prognosis Negative.

JERRY: No, it's suppose to be really bad. Really bad. I mean, it's long, there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring...I heard.

ELAINE: Jerry, you promised me we'd go.

JERRY: Well, George told me the whole story, line for line. I mean, I almost feel like I've seen it, already, and walked out on it.

ELAINE: Wait, George saw the movie? I saw him, yesterday. He didn't mention it.

JERRY: You and George got together?

ELAINE: Yeah, I wanted to talk about how we have nothing to talk about.

(Kramer enters.)

JERRY: Hello.

KRAMER: Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

JERRY: What's up?

KRAMER: Well, you were right.

JERRY: About what?

KRAMER: Ellen. We, uh, broke up, again.

JERRY AND ELAINE: Aww.

JERRY: Too bad.

ELAINE: I thought she was the one.

KRAMER: I'll bring back the pot.

ELAINE: Okay, come on. It's movie time.

KRAMER: Hey, what are you gonna see?

JERRY: Prognosis Negative.

KRAMER: Hey, that's suppose to be great.

JERRY: It's not.

KRAMER: How do you know?

JERRY: I have an instinct for these things.

[Scene: Nightclub]
JERRY: I had a parakeet when I was a kid. That was the only bpet that I really enjoyed. We used to let him fly out of his cage, and he would fly around, and my mother had built--one entire wall of your living room was mirrored. She felt this gives you a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey, look, there's a whole other room, in there. There's a guy in there, looks just like me." But, the parakeet will fall for this. You'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, bang! With his little head, he would just go, "click". Ohh! And I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?